JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 White Hot on the Basement Floor-REVISED

This is one I had entered into the muses muse contest for December that was to be about TURNING. The music style I hear in my head is somewhat like Hot Patootie, Bless My Soul, from Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Love comments and suggestions for this piece, thanks!
DEC 16th...Here is an edited version of the lyric with a basic very rough draft to a loop only,(THESE ARE NOT THE CHORDS I WOULD USE, as this is too monotone. I am just posting this to to give critiquers an idea of how I would [i]phrase it, to help critiques. Doughas offered to do the music/vocals for me, and I am excited about this. This is rough, I can not sing. How are the lyrical changes now that you can hear the basic idea of the song?

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=10006125



White-Hot on the Basement Floor-REVISED DEC 16th--changes in red


In my two-tone ranch on McAdoo Street
Cul-de-sac gypsies grooved to the beat
Journeyed with the Doobies, sang Silly Love Songs
Bowed to Queen and the Rolling Stones

Susie was a flirt, a real temptation
Tie-dyed angel with a reputation
Bad ass Bradley had Travolta hair
Tommy scored the smokes, and always shared

Mmmm hmmmmmm hmmmmm

Chorus
We were white-hot
On the basement floor
As the World Turned
outside our door
While the turntable spun
We rocked some more
We were white-hot
On the basement floor


Twister® was catalyst to cop a feel
From Lacey in Levis® and red high heels
seven minute heaven, and Coke® bottle spins
left me dizzy, goose bumps on my skin

When the gang went for munchies, we stayed behind
Lacy turned racy, and blew my mind?
With her sweet pink cotton candy lips
Love’s Baby Soft® scent and knock me out kiss


Chorus
We were white-hot
On the basement floor
As the World Turned
outside our door
While the turntable spun
We rocked some more
We were white-hot
On the basement floor

Musical interlude

Bridge
Now, when the world knocks me down…
Puts me in a bad spot
Me and my girl, Lacey go downstairs to rock
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Chorus 2
We are white-hot
On the basement floor
As the World Turns®
outside our door
While the turntable spins
We rock some more
We are white-hot
On the basement floor


Still white-hot on the basement floor
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, mmmmm hmmm
© 2010 Kimberly Hales Kime


White-Hot on the Basement FloorORIGINAL

In my two-tone ranch on McAdoo Street
Cul-de-sac gypsies grooved to the beat
Journeyed with the Doobies, sang Silly Love Songs
Bowed to Freddie Mercury, and partied on

Susie was a flirtatious temptation
Tie-dyed angel with a reputation
Bradley ,the bad a$$ had Travolta hair
Tommy scored smokes, he always shared

Chorus
We were white-hot
On the basement floor
As the World Turned
outside our door
While the turntable spun
We rocked some more
We were white-hot
On the basement floor


Twister® was catalyst to cop a feel
From Lacey who turned me right round, sealed the deal
That brown eyed beauty put goose bumps on my skin
With seven minutes in heaven, Coke® bottle spins

When the gang went for munchies, we stayed behind
Then Lacey turned into the reckless kind
With her sweet tastin’ pink cotton candy lips
Love’s Baby Soft® hair and knock me out hips


Chorus
We were white-hot
On the basement floor
As the World Turned
outside our door
While the turntable spun
We rocked some more
We were white-hot
On the basement floor

Musical interlude

Bridge
Now, when the world knocks me down…..
Puts me in a bad spot
My girl, Lacey gives it to me with all she’s got
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Chorus 2
We are white-hot
On the basement floor
As the World Turns®
outside our door
While the turntable spins
We rock some more
We are white-hot
On the basement floor


Still white-hot on the basement floor
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

© 2010 Kimberly Hales Kime

hey,i think i was at that party!All through HIGH school.Cool write Kimberly!

Thank you Michael. Though it is from a man's point of view, I remember listening to music in my neighors basement in the 70s... those were some good times.

Kimberly

Right on Kimberly!!!

This one is a gas man!!!

Please record how you hear it and send her on over. I would love to give it a try.

Really loved it. No nits or nothing.

Doug

"Twister® was catalyst to cop a feel " Fantastic!!

What an image. Just recited your lyric to my son, he loved it and that line as well.

(You can see he and me on my soundclick page under videos. We played live one night.)

Anywho...kind of excited...please send me a sound file.

Doug

Kim,
thanks for walking me down memory lane.

my only nit would be that 7 minutes is a pretty brief time span.

it oughta rock

Have fun,
John

Very cool Kim,

Geneva

Hey Kim,

This is another example of your wonderful talent! Very well writtten and enjoyable throughout!

Dottie

Excellent PAR-TAYING Going On here, Mz Kim! All those (C) Thingies definitely brought The Era back again!

It won't work TOO well with some the Florida Folks..since water table's so-high there are FEW Basements down here, alas! But..since MOST of us grew up in NY or Ohio...yeah, it's got a shot..even down here!

Good Luck with a Good'n', Mz Kim!
Best Wishes & Big Hugs,
Stan

Thanks so much Doug, I am glad you liked it and I have now posted on this forum a very rough loop of how I hear the phrasing, and emailed it to you as well, with lyrical changes...

Thanks, KIM

John, the 7 minutes in heaven is a game that kids played and still do, when the couple go into a closet for 7 minutes and make out....thus the 7 minutes. I agree 7 minutes is not long enough..for most gals anyways...LOL--Thanks for checking this out. I have since added a rough mp3 on this forum, at top for idea of the basic melody...with lyrical changes..thanks! KIM

Thanks so much Geneva!!!! I will check some of your stuff out

Kim

Dottie, you are too sweet!!! You help me alot with advice, thank you,

Kim

Thank you Tampa. I didn't want to say bedroom or living room as most could not get by with playing loud music and doing..whatever in there, though I know not everyone has a basement...LOL...

Thanks for checking this out. I have since added a rough mp3 on this forum, at top for idea of the basic melody...with lyrical changes..thanks! KIM

Kim,
I liked it overall, but I think it would help to slow the tempo a bit, as it sounded like some lines were a little hard to catch your breath to sing the next one.

Also, I would change the Chorus and Bridge Chords to add more spice to your song. It's a bit monotone to have the same chord pattern playing through the whole song, although some hit songs get away with it...(like Sweet Home Alabama) haha -Shayne

Thank you Shayne, this is more to show the phrasing than the music... I know it would need lots of chord changes. I hope that my collaborator, Doug can help with that!:)
Doug could probably change the tempo a hair or two, the trouble with jam studios is that you can only change it 7 bpm at a time, which 7 less would be too slow, but Doug could do it with real music:)

Thanks for your advice and listening..KIM:)

ps. Have a wonderful holiday

Kimberly,
As one on the back-end of the "Boomer" generation I lived that era and you captured it!!!! Made me remember kissing my girlfriend with her flavored lip gloss......LOL
Really good write. Real interested to hear what you and Doug come up with on the music. Oh, and I like the way you've "phrased" it out. Good stuff...

Mark

Thank you Mark! Yes, I remember the flavored gloss, though it was me wearing it, well until ya know...then he wore it too..

I appreciate your comment on the phrasing. I am looking forward to hearing Doug's version!!

Thanks again!
Kim

Kim

Well told and very cleverly written. I enjoyed it all the way through. Brought back some 'cool' memories. Thanks.

Rod

Thank you Rod! It brought back memories for me as I wrote it, which I love to delve into those memories when writing about things.

Kim