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She's Leavin Him Today
By:Dawny D

Vs 1

She saw him in the distance
and knew he didn't see
the pain and resistance
of the love he couldn't keep

Vs 2

There he was with another
laughing and holding hands
the lightning and the thunder
with someone else lovin on her man

Chorus

Cause now he's won
Cause now she's done
She's leavin him today
Don't matter what he'll say
Cause the rain is pouring down
and she won't be found
Cause there's no more words left to say
Cause she is leavin him today

Bridge

There is fire in her eyes
he's the reason why
there's no more tears left to cry

Tag

There is no more pretending
That this love isn't ending
There's no more words left to say
She's leavin him today


9-29-10


Let me know what you think.

Thanks,
Dawny



_________________________________________________________________


I'm Leavin Him Today
By: Dawny D


Vs 1

I saw him in the distance
and knew he didn't see
the pain and resistance
of the love he wouldn't keep

Vs 2

There he was with another
laughing and holding hands
through the lightning and the thunder
someone else was lovin on my man

Chorus

Well now he's won
Cause now I'm done
I'm leavin him today
Don't matter what he'll say
The rain it's pouring down
and I, I won't be found
There are no more words left to say
Cause I'm leavin him today

Bridge

There is fire in my eyes
He's the reason why
There's no more tears left to cry

Chorus

Well now he's won
Cause now I'm done
I'm leavin him today
Don't matter what he'll say
The rain it's pouring down
and I, I won't be found
There are no more words left to say
Cause I'm leavin him today


Tag

There is no more pretending
That this love isn't ending
There's no more words left to say
I'm leavin him today




Okay, I took the advise to change this to the first person, I also made a couple of other changes, let me know what you think.

Thanks,

Dawny

Hi Dawny,

I like this very much. It seems a little short but I imagine it's a slow song.

I have a couple of minor suggestion. kos

Vs 1

She saw him in the distance
knew he didn't see
the pain and resistance
of love he couldn't keep

Vs 2

There he was with another
laughing, holding hands
THROUGH lightning and the thunder
someone else lovin on her man

Dottie

Dawny,

Not good at telling someone else how I think their lyric should go but I do want to point out a two spots.
(1) first verse, instead of 'of the love he couldn't keep', to' All the love he'd just set free'.
(2) second verse, last line, take out the word 'with'. Unless it fits into a melody you already have.
That's about as nit picky as I get. I really like the story line and think you did a very nice job!

Rod

Dottie,
Thanks for reading and commenting, I like your ideas, I was struggling with several lines here.

Dawny

Although I like the sound of "couldn't keep" because of the double "k" sounds for emphasis - it gives the guy an out like he couldn't help himself. I think he needs to be put on the hook more with "wouldn't keep." He must have a choice and whether he is trying to have his cake and eat it too or is just out of love and looking for another, doesn't matter. You should make him own his actions.

Really like it overall. I also agree with both comments above about taking "with" out.

Rod,

Thanks for reading and commenting on my song. I agree with you on the with, not sure why it was there. I appreciate the nit picky, it always makes things better.

Thanks again,

Dawny

Blackout,

Thanks for reading and commenting. It is funny all the things pointed out are all things I actually thought of too, I will make appropriate changes. I thank you for the critique, it makes us all better.

Dawny

Certainly, but keep in mind I am very new. Just started recently.

I will also say that I immediately went to video on my 3rd and 4th reads today. Not sure if most would take that as a complement but I believe that says a lot for your song being vivid and having good continuity.

Blackout,

Thank you so much, it means a lot to me. Doesn't matter how new you are here, I am too. There are great people here they are very welcoming and very helpful.

I have been writing for a very long time, I have tons of songs and have only put two out here, so far, so I really do appreciate the encouragement. It is very difficult for me, to find the courage, to put them here. It seems I am my own toughest critic.

Thanks again,

Dawny

Here's a suggestion...make it about you. Total first person...because it is an empowering lyric. It makes the siger strong...may need a tweak or two as well, but for something like this, IMO first person is better.

What I really like here is the simplicity of words and structure and message...oh and your gorgeous big eyes

Hi Dawny!

I like it, and I think the simplicity is great. I agree with the other suggestions, and it sounds like you're a little like me - your own worst critic!

I've always found it interesting as I share my work that MY favorites aren't always other people's favorites and so on.

Be brave, more more more!!
Post away!

Linda

i think first person also and maybe sing the chorus again after the bridge to make it a little longer.Nice write!

John,

Thank you for the kind words, I never thought of it that way, I will play with that idea. I could see how it could definitely make the singer stronger.

Dawny

Linda,

Thanks for the encouraging words, glad to know it's not just me.

I am gaining the courage to put the stuff out there, I appreciate the support and the great guidance you all are giving me, I am learning a lot.

I have two different melodies in my head with this one is almost a blues type, the other obvious one is a slow southern rock, or country.

If only I could sing and play guitar, working on the guitar and key board thing, the singing forget it, no one will ever listen to music again.

Dawny

Rockin,

Thanks for reading and commenting on the lyric. I am toying with the first person idea, as many have pointed out. I am working on a few changes with it.

I thank you very much for the kind compliment.

Dawny