JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Creative Challenge Forum Songwriting Challenge # 40 Pawnshop

The goal of our "Song Challenges" is to write songs/lyrics on demand within set parameters. We don't critique each other's songs in this thread (but you can say you like someone's song if you want to.) Please post your original works. If you have already written a song/lyric that fits within the parameters, please feel free to post it.

OK, this one is up to you regarding form but the lyrical setting for this song must involve a pawnshop. The lyrics should remind the singer about the pawnshop in one way or another throughout the whole song.

Good luck to you.

Hi Jean,

Thanks for the challenge!

At first I thought "Oh no"
Then the words started to flow...

Interesting video potential...


“Pawnshop" (progressive Chorus)(country/male vocal) *needs country melody
©2010 Lynn Orloff

Seems everythin' was goin' my way
I was livin' in a dream
Thought the girl I loved kinda' felt the same
Things aren’t always what they seem
Said she had to go and find herself
Though it hurt I let her go
Well she "found herself" in another's arms
Dealt my heart it’s biggest blow

Took my heart down to the pawnshop but I couldn’t pawn it off
The owner said it wouldn’t get a bite cos of how much it would cost
Told me son “take back that heart of yours save it for somebody else
See it’s way too dear if you leave it here it’ll just sit on the shelf”

He said “son you got a minute
I know you ain’t lookin’ for advice
But I’ve had my heart broke in the past
Rolled some real unlucky dice
Yeah I thought my life was over
Even thought I’d lose my mind
But a heart can find a new love
It just takes alittle time, he said..

Don’t leave your heart here at the pawnshop, don’t even try to pawn it off
Know the business well and it just won’t sell so you're bound to take a loss
If you’re smart you’ll take this heart of yours, save it for somebody else
See it’s way too dear if you leave it here, it’ll sit there on the shelf”

Bridge
It's for certin' I wasn’t thinkin’ right, but the old man sure made sense
I remember well the words he said as I took my heart and left…

Don't leave your heart here at my pawnshop, son just give it one more try
There's a whole lot more of love to give if you dig down deep inside
If you're smart you'll take that heart of yours save it for somebody else
Don't go wastin' time and a wastin' life don't put your heart up on a shelf"

Jean,

I love this idea, do you do this alot? I'm in. I'm working out of town for the next couple of weeks but have three plane trips and I almost always write on the plane...I'll see what I can come up with.

Great challenge though...love it!

Chad

I wrote this when I was 12 or 13

Dont take me away were my daddies dying words
Now Im lying in an alley thinking bout them words
Last night I pulled a robbery and I shot a man to death
For twentyfive loust dollars I put a good man to rest

Dont take me away I didnt want to do that crime
But you've got to understand now these are pretty awful times
Whatever you do dont put me in jail
Id rather die and be sent straight to hell

Im lying here just thinking man I wish it was all undone
I regret the day my daddy died and left me with his gun
You see the man that owned the pawnshop he was only twenty one
Now he's just a deadman how could I be so dumb

Dont take me away I didnt want to do that crime
But you've got to understand now these are pretty awful times
Whatever you do dont put me in jail
Id rather die and be sent straight to hell

Just the one mention of pawnshop, not sure if it meets the rules, but I hadnt thought of this song for decades. Perhaps it will meet the rewrite....

Paul Gaines AKA Shooter

Thanks, Chad. Yes, I have offered at least 40 challenges, lol. If you see any past ones that you like, feel free to participate. There is no deadline. It's good practice and some people have gotten some good songs out of the challenges.

Imaginative take, Lynn. Thanks for posting.

Hi, Paul, thanks for posting. It doesn't exactly meet the rules,but that's OK. Pretty good song for a Jr High school kid.

Like Lynn, I didn't know if I was going to jump in, but these words tumbled out this morning.

Kevin
**********************************************
Pawn Shop
(c) Emmrich 2010

I walked into this old place
just to get away from the heat
101 degrees in the shade,
the lady just said hello
"Look around and if you need help, I'll be right here"

I touched a guitar hanging on the wall
it brought back forgotten memories again
had a vacuum cleaner like mom pushed
and a turntable like we used to spin

I wonder how I got like this
everything used to be so easy

I'm riding in my daddy's car
the window open and mama's hair
is blowing in the wind
I'm running through the grass again
back when everything was new
I wonder, where I've been

"We just got this fishing rod in"
the lady spoke with a kindness of long ago
"my daddy and I went fishing a lot"
"but he passed on 20 years"
"How about you?"

"My dad and I had a favorite spot", I said
He taught me how to bait and cast
You think those times will go on forever
but they never last

I'm riding in my daddy's car
the window open and mama's hair
is blowing in the wind
I'm running through the grass again
back when everything was new
I wonder, where I've been

It was time to go back out into my life
I was in there an hour, seemed like 10
rummage through life and you don't know what you'll find
but you remember the things left unsaid

I wonder how I got like this
everything used to be so easy

I'm riding in my daddy's car
the window open and mama's hair
is blowing in the wind
I'm running through the grass again
back when everything was new
I wonder, where I've been

Thanks for posting, Kevin. You followed the parameters well.

Six String and a Ring
(c)Chad McDowell 2010

I got in at 3 a.m
from another late night set
I laid my old guitar down on the bed
Her diamond ring by the bathroom sink
said all that needed said
She aint wastin' no more time on me

I'd bet everyday you get a story like that
I'm here 'cause the sign says you pay cash

Chorus:
I got a six string and a ring that I dont need
I'll take what I can get 'cause they dont mean
a thing to me
I'm giving up on one dream
one dreams giving up on me
What can I get for a six string and a ring?

She only wanted me
To spend some time at home
I spent my time leaving her alone
While I was chasing long shots
I was chasing her off
God knows why she hung around that long

So I'm sellin' this guitar for next to nothin'
Its already cost me all I ever wanted

Chorus:
I got a six string and a ring that I dont need
I'll take what I can get 'cause they dont mean
a thing to me
I'm giving up on one dream
one dreams giving up on me
What can I get for a six string and a ring?

Bridge:
Today is the last day of the life I'm leaving behind
She said someday I'd be sorry and she was right

Chorus:
I got a six string and a ring that I dont need
I'll take what I can get 'cause they dont mean
a thing to me
I'm giving up on one dream
one dreams giving up on me
What can I get for a six string and a ring?

Good job, Chad. Thanks for posting.

Howdy Jean, so glad this is going again. just saw this post, so
just getting started. I'll be back

My first competition, woot. Ok, I can't really compete with the above lyricism!!!! Jeez!!! But here goes (and thanks for this cool competition). P.s. It's a guy [or girl] in a pawn shop who notices the earrings they bought their ex-partner, and he expects to feel hurt, but just feels happy about the old love



Hey I wish I had
Known that you were always here
Please don't be afraid, I know you will
Hey I wish I had
Not said anything at all
You're the only one I wanted, oh

I can't believe
We went through all this
I thought i'd be so ashamed
To see these things

Don't worry
When you're on the early morning train
Lines and points form just as clearly
Don't worry
The only person who never understood
Was a ghost without a golden earring

I can't believe
We went through all this
I thought i'd be so ashamed
To see these things

Smoking open
Lighter now you've learned to fly, I'll bring you love

And I have made us proud
To stand up to the crowd
When everything was telling us to go
And don't you even think this means I don't believe you loved me, I won't
A token of our old love here
Truer after all these years
A token after all these years
Truer than our old love here

I can't believe
We went through all this
And even though sometimes I'm ashamed
To see these things
Well I, don't worry
When I'm coming back again
Lines and points form just as clearly
And you
Don't worry
We're only falling in and out of dreams

And I can't believe
We went through all this
I thought i'd be so ashamed
To see these things

And I can't believe
I went through all this
I thought i'd be so ashamed
To see these things

Hey Alex,

Nice write. It is not a competition, just a friendly challenge -- a topic that might help you come up with a good idea. ... and you did!

Kevin

Of course Kevin, I was only using the phrasing of 'competition' to point out how great everybody's songs are Yours was incredible. I want to learn to write more in stories like that, that are more organised and create better imagery. I like my songs but my lyrics are still taking baby steps. Any tips?

Without going into any great detail, here are a few ideas. Now, of course, I rarely follow these myself -- ha, ha!! Well, actually I tried to do this on Pawn Shop and now I am going back and adding rhyme stuff over in Lyric Board #1.

1.) Write the story out in more or less song format -- but don't worry about syllables, rhyming, or any of that "craft" stuff (see #4 below, using another song as a model can help).

2.) Make sure you've got action -- you are describing something that someone can picture in their mind (either seeing or doing). Don't say "I feel like.." or "it feels like..."

3.) Everything in the verses should somehow lead up to or support the hook idea. Now when you are just writing (like Pawn Shop), I didn't know what the chorus was going to say until I got there (ha, ha). So, I am not sure if the support/pointing towards is there or not.

4.) Find a song you really like and write lyrics more or less in the flow/feel of that tune. I used "The House that Built Me" as a model for Pawn Shop. I used "Live like Your were Dying" as a model for a couple of lyrics I wrote over in FAWM. It's called "ghost" writing and it helps you learn structure by staying in the friendly confines of a great song. I've only done it a few times, but I really should try it more and more. If you come up with good lyrics during the "ghost" exercise, you can always write brand new music and poof! -- it's all your own tune!

Kevin

ok...here's my thoughts.



PAWN SHOP GIRL
© words and music by C. Stewart (Mar. 23, 2010)


I was hangin' round the pawn shop
My life was now in check
By the queen behind the counter
With tattoo's on her neck

There were seven naked ladies,
A necklace made of ink
My body comprehended
But my mind couldn't think

She told me that she really liked
The way my package shook
Said, "open up your wallet boy"
"And let me have a look"

Then I walked out a there with rusty strings
And a broken down guitar
On my way to Nashville, I wish I had a car

Pawn Shop Girl, Pawn Shop Girl

INSTRUMENTAL BREAK...

A pawn shop girl can hurt you
When you're tender and frail
Give you lots to think about when
You're riding on the rail

Now all I've got are rusty strings
And a broken down guitar
On my way to Nashville, I'm bound to be a star

She told me that she really liked
The way my package shook
Said, "open up your wallet boy "
"And let me have a look"

And now all I've got are rusty strings
And a broken down guitar
I'm on my way back hone, I'll never be a star

Pawn Shop Girl, Pawn Shop Girl

Key Kevin, some great tips there! Thank you so much.

HiDee Mz Jeannie B!

Here's a Quickie... "PAWN SHOP GUITARS (Play The Blues)"

This Might've Played Flamenco on a Sunset Cruise
Out in The Carribean..in 1982...
That Electric There once Rocked-Out
When Jimi Hendrix Blew a Fuse..Now
Most PAWN SHOP GUITARS..PLAY THE BLUES

That Strat There Played Sessions
'Til The Calls Stopped Comin'-In
That Flying-V Hangs Endlessly
& Kinda Reeks of Gin...

There's Gibsons..& Fenders
And a Yamaha..Or Two...
Most PAWN SHOP GUITARS..PLAY THE BLUES--

(BRIDGE)
They Beg to Feel Your Warmest Fingers
To Take-Away..The Sad..That Lingers...

A Jet-Black One is Hangin' with a Worn Pick Guard
That Sunburst-Red Above Your Head looks Mighty-Tired
A Bent-Neck Special, Priced So-You-Can't-Refuse..Yeah,
Most PAWN SHOP GUITARS..PLAY THE BLUES...

(TAG)
They Need New Pickups..& a String..or Two (How CAN You LOSE?) When...
Most PAWN SHOP GUITARS..PLAY THE BLUES...
Most PAWN SHOP GUITARS..PLAY THE BLUES.

(C) 2010 by Stan Good, BMI
All Rights Reserved.

Thanks, Gus. Looking forward to your post.

Thanks for posting, Alex. Unique approach to the challenge.

LOL, Calvin. Very colorful approach to the challenge. Unique as always.

Kind of like the retirement home for guitars. Thanks for posting this and meeting the challenge, Stan.

Old Sol's Pawn Shop
<C>2010 David Arthur ASCAP

V1

The devil opened up a pawn shop
Decided to call it Old Sol's
A place where the broken hearted
Can hock all of their lost love
He hides your heart 'neath a little bit'a nasty
You pay him back with bad deeds
And if it's not enough then the devil gets tough
When he takes your soul as his fee

Ch

Do you need a sure cure for the blues?
Just get on down to
Old Sol's pawn shop
It bound to be your last stop

V2

Stay's open twenty-four seven
For hearts broken late at night
He's there for you on Sundays
But likes all the shades drawn tight
There's a free gift for every new customer
From noon until three o'clock
And if that doesn't tempt he finds one better meant
To lure you to his pawn shop

Ch

Do you need a sure cure for the blues?
Just get on down to
Old Sol's pawn shop
It bound to be your last stop

Br

He'll look you in the eyes
And tell you lies
Anything to make you believe
His pawn shop gives a reprieve

Ch

Do you need a sure cure for the blues?
Just get on down to
Old Sol's pawn shop
It bound to be your last stop
It bound to be your last stop

Hmmm, I think I'll stay away from THAT pawnshop, David. Good job.

Yeah, I'm staying away from there myself, Jean! Thanks for coming up with the pawn shop idea and for reading my submission! Happy Easter to you and yours!

-Dave

Thanks, Dave. The same to you and yours.

This is all your fault Jean Bullock!!
I ain't got time to be writin' no cotton pickin lyrics
About no cotton pickin pawn shops
I'm sposed to be plantin' stuff!!. Course it did rain-----An Irish girl caused that but that'a another story--Hmm, maybe another song, hmmm
Uh thanks Jean LOL
Anyway bout a draft 'n a half
-----=

Pawnshop On The Corner c Wyman Griffith
(Heartache And Vine)

C
There's a pawnshop on the corner
Of Heartache and Vine
There's a pawnshop on the corner
From a long ago time
It's got old dream and new dreams
Some are ready to go
They just need redeeming
But business is slow

V 1
There's a prize that's been here many years
She once had high hopes of a love that would last
Though she's made her own way in this life
Sometimes she thinks she'd have made a good wife

V 2
A guy left things to go on the roam
But sometimes he wonders what he might have missed
And at night he dreams now and then
'Bout a neat little house with a white picket fence

C
There's a pawnshop on the corner
Of Heartache and Vine
There's a pawnshop on the corner
From a long ago time
It's got old dream and new dreams
Some are ready to go
They just need redeeming
But business is slow

V 3
Then she wasn't that young anymore
Maybe living alone isn't really that bad
So she came in to pick up her dream
Wondered why is the owner smiling at me

B
He said got a guy lookin for a white picket fence
He'll be in Monday morning along about ten
He's got a lifetime of treasures from journeys he's made
If you agree he'll give an even up trade

C
There's a pawnshop on the corner
Of Heartache and Vine
There's a pawnshop on the corner
From a long ago time
It's got old dreams and new dreams
Some are ready to go
They just need redeeming
But business is slow

Outro
See that neat little house
Smoke from the chimney
Love the woman who lives there
With everything in me

Cool street names, Wy. Very sweet story.

Wow Wyman Lloyd I love your lyrics!

Thanks Jean and hi Alex
I hadn't done a lot of tweaking.
I just now changed the "Older than time" line in the C . I didn't think that made too much sense except I coulda' pleaded "poetic license" <G>

I see I've only got the C twice. Oughta have the C another time if I can figure out the best place to put it.
Wy

Wy, there is no reason why you couldn't start out with the chorus. It would do very well there.

You are quite right Ms.Jean!
What would we do without you?
You're a diamond in the ...rough!!

It shall be done!
Why didn't "I" think of that?
Thanks
Wy
(Course I ain't no school teacher!!)
(Matterafact' I never did get much schoolin' at all!"
<G>
Are you feeling OK Ms Jean?

Yes, Thank you, Wy. I am feeling OK. Just feeling a little old.