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I'm sorry I keep reworking these lyrics, folks.
this is my 1st old timey country waltz lyric,
I feel like the slightest change could make or break
my meter & phrasing. Any specific rules, etc. for a waltz
type song would be most helpful, & highly appreciated



THESE HANDS
Copyright©:2009: Larry Killam & Steven August Rieck
V1
Harder than expected
This slow walk, down the aisle
With each step, there’s daddy’s girl
Only six years, her pigtails and curls
CHORUS
These old hands that love you
Hesitate, to let you go
These hands that, provided proof
Of so many, truths you know
That love, does last forever
Will warm you, when you’re cold
Give comfort, if you’re hurting
Now it hurts us, to let go

V2
As your fingers slip from mine
Remember how I care
Reaching’ from these hands of truth
You’ve so much love to share
BRIDGE
Thru golden years
Sweet times and tears
He gave her boys, his best
How to be kind, & do whats right
Till that tight spot, in his chest
Caused the call , she’s been dreading
Your dads in I,C.U., hanging on by a thread
CHORUS


V3
Walking to, that hospital room
Her tears wouldn’t stop flowing
Looking up he said, please let me go
It’s the hands of the Lord, I’m holding
V4
Memories of her wedding day
These hands holding, her’s so tight
The best years, just sped right by
It’s in the Lords hands tonight
V5
Leaning over with a kiss
Teardrops a small shower
Reluctantly, she lets go
Yields to that higher power


Last edited by Steven August Rieck; 12/12/09 02:18 AM.

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"One Love One Heart".....Bob Marley
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Boys,
sounds like "it hurts me to let go" is really the central hook maybe set up as a duet. Otherwise there is a great deal of overly poetic(rather than conversational) language. I think it's a great idea.

have fun,
John


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Howdy John, Gus here. thanks for stopping over and staying around to give us some good feedback, Working on the overly poetic prob,
while adjusting the verse order etc., & I need to build the chorus to support whichever hook is strongest, please stop back over, &
let me know about my changes......Thanks again.....Gus


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I felt that the piece as written flowed smoothly. Guess it would take a music composer to determine how well it would fit. Great story, seems to jump to where the dad gives away the girl in marriage to the time when he is dying.

Peace,
Brian

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Howdy John , Gus here. thanks for the straight poop,working on the
poetic problem. please come back by........Thanks Gus


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Howdy Brian, Gus here. Thanks for taking the time to look & give us input, yes we're working on a transition section now
..............Thank you......Gus


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HiDee Bros Gus & Larry!

I overall like the Black Text best. "It will warm you when you're cold", in red, scans better. "Give comfort WHEN you're hurting" I'd sug.

"And bring this chapter to a close" (In Red) again scans-better..

I'd sug "little" in place of "smidgen"..delete "that" she was dreading to hear.

Something real Beautiful is goin' on here...& I'm lookin' forwards to hearing it. K-O-S the sugs..& all the rest is Just One Guy's Opinion.

Good Luck with it Amigos!
Big Guys-Hug
Stan

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I'm not much of a fan of the red and black lyrics juxtaposed. I'd say one or the other. Also, if it works...leave it; don't renegotiate every line. It gets depressing for a cowriter. The best cowrites I've had involved a lyricist and somebody else on the melody/vocals. There can be great exceptions, but usually the more you use third parties, the more like Frankenstein a lyric becomes--all pieced together from different points of view.

JD


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In most cases it looks like the red lines are so minor that it is silly to change the original.
The end of V1 in either case seems awkward to me.

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howdy Stan, thanks for the input, we shall consider it all
carefully. both musically & lyrics wise.......TTYL.......Gus


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Thanks for taking a look at this.Appreciate it much so.I wrote the original lyrics after my son got married last year.Yes we are trying to take it from Da Day she gets married to when she has to let go of Da Hands that loves her.Thanks once again Gus for Da Help.~(~:LARRYBOY;~)

Last edited by yrralmallik; 11/28/09 03:54 PM.

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Howdy Neil, Gus here, yes it seems like i'm possibly,
overthinking this, but it is my 1st waltz lyric, &
I'm concerned that the slight changes might help the meter
& make the song as good as it should be. I want to thank you for investing your time to help us........Larry & Gus


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Thanks for the opinion stunt


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Post deleted by Steven August Rieck


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Post deleted by Steven August Rieck


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Hey Brian, we have that transition for you to check out


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Howdy all, We know this is excessively long, but its a life time!
possibly deleting V2 & V3, any thoughts??..Thank you....Gus


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here you go shooter


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