JPF Home Page

Hi All -- Calvin wrote the lyric and I asked if I could work on a version. We'll be happy to hear your thoughts. Thank you !

NEW MIX

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=8355316 <<<<<

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=8334598

Kill A Man
© words & music by C. Stewart /joice marie ( Sept 14, 2009 )

A common way to kill a man
Take away his smile
Leave his poor old broken heart
Rotting in a pile

A common way to kill a man
Put his love on hold
A thousand days without a kiss
The world seems so cold

CHORUS...
When the sun goes down behind his cloud
And his music just won't play
Strangers wave goodby to him
Is this his final day

A common way to kill a man
Makes ya wonder why
He's drinking from a paper bag
Sadness in his eye

A better way to kill a man
Is hang him from a rope
Let him dangle, let him strangle
Take away his hope

CHORUS...
When the lights go out, the ride slows down
And his music just won't play
The devil says hello to him
Like it's his darkest day

CHORUS...
When the sun goes down behind his cloud
And his music just won't play
Strangers wave goodby to him
Is this his final day

Hi Joice,

The mood fits the song and your voice is strong, rhyme unintended. There's something that doesn't seem to fit or leaves me flat and it's the last line of the chorus in the melody. I think it needs to change somehow to make it more dynamic. I can't put my finger on it and I've listened to it over and over. I don't mean to be negative cause the rest is fine to my ears anyway but it's there. I wish I could be more help by explaining in more detai and being clearer but I'm at a loss. Anyway, the rest I like.

Your Pal,
Steve

Hi Stevie

THANKS ! for your kind response to the overall feel of it.



I think it Should leave you a bit flat in this case -because of context- or how I interpreted it. I did try going Up and Down in melody -- but returned to what I had because it seemed right- Though I will look at it again and check with the boss ; )

Sometimes -- when you don't get what is expected - there's a tendency to think that it is wrong somehow... However - I personally don't see how you can break ground - unless you break out of the expected. Good point that you raise for consideration, though.

jm

I think this is a very good concept for a tune. I think the music drags along too much. You know me, I'm against most slow songs (unless it's one of mine, ha, ha).

Your singing is very nice on this one. Maybe if you added a flute or some other instruments it would seem less dirge-like. For some reason, I think a ukelele would be a good choice for the rhythm instrument.

Kevin

Hi Kevin

; ) -- ha ha - well I have been listening with the hope of figuring what to add -- your suggestions seem both potentially GooD ! -- the drum track i used to keep time - just takes away from it ..... There was a part of me that wanted it to move along faster too....... BUT -- it's suppose to be just plain sad : (

Thanks for the singing props and your Good ears. jm

Always a joy to hear you sing my friend. I love this song, you guys did really well. It is folky which I really like since that is all I can do ... really love this

Dan

I agree with Kevin on the pace of the song and also Little Stevie about the chorus. You might want to try something like switching the 2nd and 4th lines.

When the lights go out, the ride slows down
Like it's his darkest day
The devil says hello to him
And his music just won't play.

Great concept, just needs some tweaking.

Howdy you two, seems you needed a post halloween re-group, you
guys go all out . Good to see you're back in formation, Yeah right!
.Thanks for sharing........Gus ....spamming you to check out
darkhorse rewrite,mp3 & "Panther"....forum 3 thanks

Hi Stevie,

We sure thank you for your time listening & your suggestions also.
I think Joices voice is really doing the right thing here.
I'd sure hate to change much.

ps.....THANKS JOICE for all you do.

Calvin

!! A LeMoN AnD McFARTneY ProductioN !!



http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

I like the sound and the vocals, lyrics. I have to agree on maybe making it a bit, tiny bit faster, not much..

good luck on it guys!:)

Kim

Hey you two

I really like this - it's a thought provoking lyric and the melody is nicely suited to it. Joice's voice is in fine form too.

I think it might be worth exploring a faster and more upbeat delivery. I might be wrong on this but I think this is one of the rare times when the lyric and music could stand to be out of prosody - with a bouncier backing track belying the sad lyric. That's what I'm feeling at the moment, anyway.

Is a very cool idea for a lyric!

Scott

Howdy folks....
I had only read it last time thru, now that I listened, I like
it more. Joice, now I need to Yak with you about singing the
verses on "Darkhorse" for me. I'm dialing in those markers now,
thanks for that idea
..................Your friend.........Gus

Joice you outdid yourself again-you are such an entrancingly good singer!


honestly I didnt like the lyrics or the melody but gal you could read the ingredients off a Twinkies wrapper(and believe me they are scarey) yet your vocal ability would still be mesmerizing.....

you always remind me of the best singers in the biz

in this song you reminded me of Carly Simon

great job Joice!

Tom

Hello Joice ----T H A N K S for doing such a nice job.

Hello Kevin,

We apprciate you listening & your thoughts too.

Calvin

!! A LeMoN AnD McFARTneY ProductioN !!

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hello Dan,

Good to see ya !
We thank you for giving this one a spin.
Have a nice day.

Calvin

!! A LeMoN AnD McFARTneY ProductioN !!

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hi Dan

You are a sweet kind fan - Thanks for listening. jm

Hi Bob

Thanks for the listen and your thoughts. It can work the way that you suggest also, I believe.

jm

Hi Gus thanks for the read and bump

best wishes on your music - jm

Hi Kim

Thanks for coming by and your comments. : ) jm

Hi Scott

Thanks for the listen !

I was playing with a flute part a bit after Kevin's suggestion..... and maybe it will be worth speeding that part up to juxtapose ??? don't know.... Calvin and I discussed going faster a while ago --- we decided that the vocal part loses something that way, so I'm focusing on what to do alongside this tempo at the moment. I'll keep experimenting..... I'm Mostly happy to have something sounding sad - in this case, because of the lyric. We just don't think turning it upbeat is the right thing. But I can see the majority votes for faster and I appreciate the sharing of that perspective.
jm

This has lots and lots of potential but needs a bit of tweaking. It was performed far too slow and because of that it dragged and was a bit of a dirge. Shame because it could have been so much better. The out of tune guitar did it no favours. I liked the melody and the vocals and lyrics were outstanding. It just needs to be played a bit faster and perhaps a more acoustic guitar sound or even a piano would help.

Hi Gus

Thanks for your very kind words ; ) jm

hi Tom

Ha Ha

okay --- sorry that we haven't please you on this Number -- but Thanks for the honesty and still being a Fan of my vocal. : P ~~ Cheers ! jm

Heaven forbid !! now what's wrong with a good old Dirge - anyway ; D

Thanks for listening - Jim -- and chiming in on the tempo etc....

The second guitar was tuned off from the first -- On purpose even..!... Just working out of the box.

Have a super evening - jm

Hi Bob,

Hope you're doing well, we appreciate you aking a few minutes to listen & comment with your thoughts.
Have a good day.

Calvin

!! A LeMoN AnD McFARTneY ProductioN !!

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hi Gus,

THANKS !!

Calvin

!! A LeMoN AnD McFARTneY ProductioN !!

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hello Kimberly,

Good to see ya.
Me and McFARTneY thank you for giving us the time of day...

Calvin

!! A LeMoN AnD McFARTneY ProductioN !!


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hello Scott,

Get your jacket out...it's cool this morning !!
We appreciate your time spent listening & commenting.
We like the tempo but agree it needs another track of something to sort of keep the mind busy.


Calvin

!! A LeMoN AnD McFARTneY ProductioN !!

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hello again Gus.


Calvin

!! A LeMoN AnD McFARTneY ProductioN !!


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hello Tom,

yeah sorry this song doesn't do it for ya but it's nice to see you enjoyed J's voice !
That's hard NOT to like.
Have a good day.

Calvin

!! A LeMoN AnD McFARTneY ProductioN !!


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hi Joice & Calvin

Golly gosh, very scary song you guys, I do want to sleep tonight you know, hah. Joice your voice is still amazing, you sing it so well.

I think I better go listen to some others tunes here, so I can sleep.

Hugs Michele

Hi JM & Calvin,

This is such an outstanding lyric and the vocal sounds really fine. I think the pace was just right but then I tend to do slow songs myself.

I have a slight problem with the chorus music. What I find is that the verse melody is something I can remember. It's catchy and I'm still humming it. The chorus however seems much less defined and not as interesting. After a couple of listens I'm still not retaining it. But that's just one more opinion and we all have them.

Overall, it's another successful collab! You two are magic!

Ricki

Hello Big Jim,

Good to see ya.
We thank ya a lot for dropping in on us here.
And we'reat least....... LISTENING to your suggestions.And hey man I sure am appreciating the music I'm hearing from you, keep up the great work.
Have a fun weekend.

Calvin

!! A LeMoN AnD McFARTneY ProductioN !!

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hi Michele,

We thank you for the listen & the kind words.
I hope you finally got to sleep :-)

Calvin

!! A LeMoN AnD McFARTneY ProductioN !!

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Calvin & Joice.....I like this just the way it is, but that's just me.


redwing

HiDee Lem & McF!

Liked it overall..especially J's Vox. WISH it had some Humor to it...& perhaps Rhymes of maybe MORE than One-Syl..which as-penned sug it's a Kiddy Song. Since right-now, it feels like the Lyrics hover between Fun OR Sad....but not quite there.

I'd sug Strings...if this'n's going the Very Sad Way I think ya want it to.

Good Luck with it, & Big Hugs,
Stan

This would make a great Pogues song if it was faster. Is the song meant to be serious or is it dark humor? I, personally, found it dark and funny. Like Naomi's Bartender song, I think the lyrics are really very good but I would have prefered to hear a stronger more, in-you-face musical feel similar to Streams Of Whiskey by the Pogues or almost anything by Flogging Molly. Good luck with it!

Hi Ricki Rat,

We thank you for giving this one a few minutes of your day.
Hope your day is fun.

Calvin

!! A LeMoN AnD McFARTneY ProductioN !!

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hi Janet,

Good to see ya !
Thanks a bunch, we appreciate what ya have to say.
Have a good day.

Calvin

!! A LeMoN AnD McFARTneY ProductioN !!


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

HI Calvin and jm!

I listerned to this yesterday but didn't get a chance to comment. I love the lyric and joice's vocal. The chord arrangement also works for me. Two comments worth mentiong, from my POV: (1) great verse, chorus not as effective (2) although the dsong is sad, I would still put more upbeat music with it. Just one guy's opinion, FWIW.

Alan

Hi Michele

Not meant to scare you -- sorry -- there's a New mix now - but it won't help that !

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=8355316

Thanks for the listen !

Hi Ricki

Hey - Thanks for your feedback - it's well received. I know I am walking the line musically with this one and it's clearly not everyone's cup of tea ! ha. jm

Hi Redwing

Hey thanks for telling us -- You are with Calvin then -- since he liked the first draft ! -- I DiD put an effort into a new mix - so now he has a choice. ; ) jm

Hi Stan

Well Thank you kindly for listening and offering -- you must have been reading my mind to the responses - I added a cello part , flute and percussion. So if you get back here let me know if I helped the project ! ; ) jm

Hi Duncan

I'm going to check out the Pogues and see if they inspire. I have to divert you to Calvin as far as the dark/funny - he walks THAT line all the time - though I can't say here -- I interpreted it as serious hence my responses.....

Calvin IS open to more than one way, though. Thank you! jm

HI Alan

As always - a thoughtful response.

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=8355316

there's a New mix with other parts - I don't expect it to convert all the - faster tempo votes - but this is how I think it works.

and Calvin is surely open to other interpretations on the theme - I believe. : ) Thanks jm

HI everybody,

thanks for all you nice comments.
Hi Duncan & Stan, it was meant to be sad.

Calvin

!! A LeMoN AnD McFARTneY ProductioN !!

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hey Calvin

Thanks for your support on what I did on this --- I'll keep listening for ideas. ; )

thanks everyone for the ideas and feedback. jm

NEW MIX

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=8355316