JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 "Cookie" Rev. 5/19 again -- Changes in GREEN

EDIT: 5/19 -- CHANGES IN GREEN (Maybe that little rhyme is a sign.... )

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EDIT 5/18:
After much encouragement, I finally took some time this afternoon to figure out what the dickens was the problem on this song...and try to rememdy it. Though I could have gone in either of two different directions, I'm actually pleased with how it's turned out.

Do let me know how it works for you....and as usual, all comments welcome.

Also, thanks for your patience on this hopefully mostly-final draft. As this type is in purple, I'll put the NEW version first, below, in purple font too. Hope that makes sense!

Enjoy!!

Beth

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EDIT: Hellow There! In good conscience, I couldn't keep thanking people for their responses here when there was Work To Be Done. So Wy and Joe (and Stan), thanks for redirecting me. Though I'm still struggling with that happy medium, I hope you find the revised "resolution" a bit more palatable...
So let's try this again.....and please don't hold back on your thoughts...(AS IF !)

Beth

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"Cookie" - Revised 5/18
© 2009 Lyrics Beth Williams, BMI

Her nickname was Cookie
Oh the boys loved to look-ie
She was happy to give
Whatever they too-kie
Sometimes this meant
A few rounds of nook-ie
No worries for her,
She wasn’t a rookie

Her real name was Doris
But that was a snore-is
Alas pretty soon
They called her a whore-is
She’d do it wherever
The bed or the floor-is
It was never enough
Always, more-more-MORE-is

Cookie
Sweet Cookie
Once sugar and spices
You kept getting burnt
So just raised your prices
I worry the fall will be hard when it comes
Not much left of Cookie
Except for some crumbs

She called ‘em all Honey
Never asked for no money
[color:#009900]Just livin’ and lovin
Until some buddy
Put a bun in her oven
And it made her feel funny
Now she had to make plans
For what had begun-ny

Cookie
Sweet Cookie
Once sugar and spices
You kept getting burnt
So just raised your prices
I worry the fall will be hard when it comes
Not much left of Cookie
Except for some crumbs

No need to fret, since she’d had scares before
She’d long ago set an account up off-shore
Bought a new bassinet, then she opened a store
And made a success out of “Cookie’s Galore”

Cookie
Smart Cookie
You knew about vices
Now tending each sweet tooth
With sugar and spices
Great on a lunch break
And warm in the sack
Daughter Ginger learned quickly
She made quite a snack[/color]


Hey Boys and Girls,

I was reminded of this lyric of mine thanks to Jean's "Food" Challenge. I like the quirky format...but I'm not sure if the tone of the story and/or its resolution follow properly. Whaddya think? Any and all comments welcome.

Thanks!
BethP.S. Sorry Y, not your kind of Cookie -- or maybe it is???

"Cookie" -- Original-ish
© 2008 Lyrics Beth Williams

Her nickname was Cookie
Oh the boys loved to look-ie
She was happy to give
Whatever they too-kie
Sometimes this meant
A few rounds of nook-ie
No worries for her,
She wasn’t a rookie

Her real name was Doris
But that was a snore-is
Alas pretty soon
They called her a whore-is
She’d do it wherever
The bed or the floor-is
It was never enough
Always, more-more-MORE-is

Cookie
Sweet Cookie
Once sugar and spices
You kept getting burnt
So just raised your prices
I worry the fall will be hard when it comes
NOT MUCH left of Cookie
Except for some crumbs

SHE CALLED 'EM ALL "HONEY"
AND THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY
LIKED LIVIN' AND lovin
FOR NO SPECIAL ONE-Y
SO when in her oven
She found A BOY bun-ny
She CHRISTENED HIM Chip
AND gave UP HER son-ny

Cookie
Sweet Cookie
Once sugar and spices
You kept getting burnt
So just raised your prices
I worry the fall will be hard when it comes
NOT MUCH left of Cookie
Except for some crumbs

BUT COOKIE WASN'T KOOKY, HAD A SWEET TOOTH OF HER OWN
SHE HAD TO PLAY HER CARDS RIGHT OR SHE'D END UP ALL ALONE

Cookie
Sweet Cookie
YOU KNEW WHAT I WANTED
YOUR GOODIES WERE GOOD
SO THAT'S WHAT YOU FLAUNTED
AND NOW IN RETURN FOR YOUR GOD-GIVEN SKILLS
HERE'S MY PLATINUM AMEX
GO RACK UP SOME BILLS!

Umm, sweet, Beth. Ol' Cookie got de-floured, did she? (Sorry. Couldn't resist.)

This sings real well, and yes, I think the thought is complete. Only nit I have is one line in the chorus--"There'll be nothing left of Cookie"--has too many syllables. (Ooo, that sounds like heresy. I better re-phrase it. Let's say... It has more syllables than all the other lines, which are nice and consistent.)

How about "Not much left of Cookie" instead? That carries on the thought, and coupled with the lines fore and aft, it does sound like it makes sense, even though it doesn't do so separately.

A nice waltz. Could use a lead tuba, though.

joe

Must Be "Wacky Wednesday" or Somethin' in The Water, eh?

"She BROKE IN EACH rookie" I'd sug...V1

"Her MOANS WERE SONOROUS" for V2

"ALL Sugar & Spices/
You kept getting burnt/
& THE HEAT raised your prices/

Last CH Couplet:"Sweet Cookie..All-Crumbled/Alone with her crumbs."

Last BR Line: "Grounded-Out Every Batter" {Or "Each-New-Batter"}

Last CH Couplet: IF YOU WERE LESS HOT-TO-HANDLE
YOU'D HAVE MADE A PERFECT WIFE-----

K-O-S, & Good Luck with a Rather Tasty FUN ONE on WACKY WEDNESDAY..YAYYYY!

Big Hugs,
Stan

Y'know, the two of you would be really dangerous together...

Joe

this is another nasty lyric in my opinion but why do we need these?

Great one, Beth! I was thinking something about (that's the way the cookie crumbles). Wow, this reminds me of some girls in high school!

Beth,

Very nice wordsmithing here, I think. The verses almost looks like a limerick. But of course you mean it as a song. Except for the extensive use of the food metaphor family, I would think it'd work to dance music like Lady Gaga, or something Broadway like as it is.

Either way it's a bit funny, cause it's so distinct and universal at the same time. It has mass appeal, still it seems not to fit in anywhere - aren't that the dilemma of our times? Like, you say potato and I say potato, he says tomato and she says tomato.

To me this is obviously brilliant, and very unique.

Hi Boo,
I had to reach back in memory for some of the terms--I little bit's coming back to me now.
It flows along good. A little "limericky' maybe as someone said
As far as the tone and resolution--No, I don't think it's right.
The bridge and last C leaves her as an object of pity to me and
kinda 'kills" the rest of the song for me. Though I haven't , right off, a way to do it,I'd rather see her "redeemed" in some way---given some hope.
JMO though
Y
(Is that last box of G S cookies going to waste? <G>)

Wy has a point, Beth. I wouldn't want to see ol' Cookie as an object of pity, either--though I'd stop short of redeeming her. People like her are important, in their own way. Y'need some spice in your cookies, as it were. (When I was in high school, there were girls like this. They were all cheerleaders...)

Magne, it sounds "limericky" because it's a waltz. Limericks are inevitably in 3/4 time. But not all waltzes are limericks.

joe

Hi there,

I'm sort of jumping ahead, as it seems I need to address the very same concerns I had about the ending. I don't mind the idea of maybe her FINDING true love at the end, in spite of her "crumby" ways, so that may be the way to go....

Definitely will take this one back to the drawing board....thanks kids...

Beth

Joe thinks that might be a little much Boo. Maybe she runs across her baby half grown and something or other?
Just thinking out loud
Y

He wants me to have her run over her baby?

That was my reaction, too, Beth. I was thinking of something more celebratory (and no, that was not running over the baby and cheering).

I have wondered on occasion what did become of all those cheerleaders I knew (non-Biblically--I didn't play football) in high school. Did they change when they got older? Did they become professionals? Did any of them get redeemed and still keep doing the Cheerleader Thing?

Joe

De-floured! Oh, that's funny. Cute lyric, Beth. You got all the boys stirred up, I see.

Just bumping to get the long title off the board -- it's screwing up the boxes....

Sorry...

Beth

Won't work, Beth. That keeps it *on* the boxes, up top, forever. What happens if you change the title? (Hmm. Maybe I can do that?) Boo-yah! I believe it worked!

Yes, Tricia. First you sift de flour, den add de sugar...

Joe

That's what I did Joe.

Sorry for the inconvenience....

ALTHOUGH, between you, me and the lamppost, maybe it could be another hook for us? "Consonant Concession Stand"....

Later kids...
Beth of The Many Letters

"He wants me to have her run over her baby?"
You have a weird mind Boo <G>
(And you too Joe)
<G>
Y

Good idea, Beth. But remember, on That TV Show I Cannot Name (because I alzheimered it), consonants were free. It was *vowels* you had to pay for. (I did get to use "Turn over my letters to Vanna White" in a song, though.)

Joe

Oh Behave Beth.

Very 'sweet' and yes I intended the pun. HAH!

I liked tho whole ride meself.

Thanks for sharing.

Douglas

Good golly, I've lost my place....Where Am I?

Gotta backtrack, sorry....

Beth

(all that bumping got me a little dizzy, if truth be known!)

Hi Stan,

Thanks for popping in on this one....it seems I have a lot of great suggestions, yours included. I particularly liked the latter three.

I'm going to respond to a few posts, then get to this, rather than have everyone pass on it b/c the ending is off!!

Big hugs down in sunny Florida....Got a pal visiting in Destin, then on down to Naples for a few days...might be moving there from Bobbelina's stomping grounds -- Columbia, TN!!

Catch ya later, and again, thanks!

Jackie

Too tired last night, forgot to bump the dang revisions.

For Those Who Are Still Interested, HELP!! . Does this work any better?

And I'm thinking the baby thing is just too cavalier now. Instead of redeeming her, I think I turned her ito a b---- !

Anyhoo, I need some distance from it...going back to bed....


Thank you...

Beth

Lessee. Couple thoughts. I may have to come back to this.

What if the baby was a girl? She wouldn't have to be put up for adoption; she could become, like, an apprentice:

She called 'em all "Honey"
Never asked for no money
But all of that lovin'
Puts a bun in the oven
But Cookie was [INSERT GOOD BAKING IMAGE HERE]
She knew what to do
She named the girl "Spice"
And taught her all that she knew...

And in the bridge, while I don't have a specific idea, I would lose the cards imagery (it jars) and stick with the kitchen stuff. You're on a (shall we say) roll, here. I'd keep to the waltz rhythm, too.

That help? Cookie's not such a bad girl--a little nutty, a little flaky, but sweet.

Joe

Had an idea (I sh0ould *not* venture outside early in the morning--gives me wild ideas). This sounded like a chorus when I sang it. It may be *way* too celebratory:

She's nutty, and flaky,
And sugary sweet,
Fresh from the kitchen
And so good to eat;
Great on a lunch break
And warm in the sack--
You can't take her home
But you'll always be back.

Tojiso...

Joe

Joe,

Good golly, if you worry about apologizing to the likes of MOI, we won't get anywhere!!

Your ideas are certainly silly...so let me add them to the cobwebs in my brain, see if anything shakes out!!

Alas, I now gotta go do the mom thing...a half day for some reason today...

Anyhoo, Ah'll Be BACK....(still have a few people to thank for their input, too...)
Beth

Beth, I think it's because of spring fever. Related to swine flu, but bouncier. And less piggy.

Joe

I have got to stop going outside. I keep thinking of things to postpone shoveling dirt. Herewith a way too celebratory bridge suggestion to go with that way too celebratory chorus suggestion (should I really be suggesting these things in public?):

Now, all of that lovin'
Puts a bun in the oven,
But Cookie's a pro
And she knows what to do:
For years, she's been wishin'
For help in the kitchen--
Instead of one Cookie
There's gonna be two!

She's nutty, and flaky...

Recalls Paul Simon: "When I think of all the c**p I learned in high school..."

Joe

Hey Boo,
Looking better IMO
I just skimmed the responses.
I think Joe picked on the cards --maybe get the "recipe" right for another thought if you change it.
.Maybe in the final, to not let her off "quite" so easy, in the 6th line--the skills line, maybe something about --for an exculsive on your skills or something like that
Wy

Let me thank a few people, before I try to put this lyric (and me, for that matter) to bed!

Gary: Appreciate you taking the time to give this one a gander!

Polly: I'm thinking Andy has done us all a great service here -- you're so chipper (perhaps with anticpation? ) . Regardless, I'm just glad I could bring a smile to your face. Whatever it takes, that works for me!! Thank you again!

Mag: "You had me at Very Nice Wordsmithing here". Does that translate okay? In other words, I LOVED how you started out your post...because I just plain love words (use 'em all the time, in fact, they're fairly handy!)..and I'm glad it shows. You also got my attention with this line: To me this is obviously brilliant, and very unique. What more can a gal lyricist ask for? I don't know if you've seen the tweaking that has been done...but it is still very much an open-ended process. And yeah, it IS sort of a limerick waltz tune!! Thanks again, your comments mean a lot to me.

Tricia: This is funny: Cute lyric, Beth. You got all the boys stirred up, I see. Hey, I do what a can!! Thanks for stopping by...and yes, that Joe is pretty clever--another wordsmith!! Ciao for now...

More later....thanks!

Beth

Hi Beth,

This is full of interesting comparisons and I'm not sure what tone you are going for here, but I’ll give you my take on it.

The cute rhymes in the beginning give it an ironic spin as we learn more and more about "Cookie"…..and her most personal details are given matter-of-fact, which makes it tragic to me. There’s a strong emotional message lying beneath the set up of these words that you choose. But it’s disguised by the cuteness…which, depending on the music, could make it go one way or the other.

I think there could be a better ending…those last three lines don’t do her justice in my eyes….I think it needs a “lost soul” kind of ending….but that’s just me.

With the right music, I think it’d make a dynamite song, Beth…with these opposing forces compelled to compete with each other. Is it that Lizzie Borden song that this reminds me of? The point is it could be on the edge of eerie if you wanted it to run that way. You have the control...and you know you do!! LOL So, it's really up to you!

I'd like to hear this when you get the music!

Kristi

Hey Dude,

You know I can't behave! I'm restricted as it is, so I must compensate somehow!!

Thanks for stopping in on this one with your fun comments. It's still a work in progress, but I appreciate that you enjoyed it in it's maiden form too.

Have a great Saturday!
Beth

Hi Beth,

I've been out of the loop for a while, so take this for what it's worth.

I think the first half of this is FIRST RATE... the second half steers its way into the darkness and is a bit of a stark paradox to the beginning. I was having one sweet fun time reading about Cookie in beginning. It was cute, clever and oh so commercial.

But someWHORE along the way, to me, it became too serious for the cuteness of the first part.

BUT, please keep in mind, I have been absent - both physically and lyrically - for far too long and may not be in touch with things... so, as always, keep or sweep any of my thoughts.

Take care,
Tink

Hey Tink,

Hey, good to see you!

Please, no apologies needed....and in fact, I think you have hit the nail on the head (is that the right expression?). THAT'S what's been bothering me...like you say, the beginning is a "playful" in it's own way...but then the BABY, etc., really throws things off...

In fact, all the extra ideas Spring-Fevered Joe (hi Joe!) has thrown in towards the end of this thread might actually be more appropros.

Thank you SOO much...what everyone else and I have been talking AROUND now seem clear.

Stay tuned....and heck, why not hang out for a while?!

Thanks again,
Beth

I do remain curious to see where this goes.

Don't worry about the spring fever. It's like swine flu, only (shall we say) bouncier. I took care of it. i built a raised-bed garden that looks like a coffin. Buried seeds in it, too. (Hee, hee.)

Joe

Well Joe,

I had intended to work on this this morning, but I got way-layed (and not in a good way!) by another project!

Did you get my second e-mmail?

Beth

p.s. Probably do this tonight. Mommy time right now.....

I have now. Answered it, too. My, you do fine work.

Joe

Hey Joe,

Glad you liked the pic(s).

And as an extra bonus, I JUST POSTED A REVISED AND WHAT I FEEL IS WAY BETTER VERSION OF "COOKIE", WAY UP TOP.

I did end up borrowing a line or two of yours, Joe. Hope you don't mind!!

And ENJOY!

Beth

Not to worry, Beth. Borrowing is what them lines was for.

I like it better. I worry about the "Though not a brunette, she opened a store" line. Will people catch the Pussy Galore connection? And (this is probably just a personal preference) I still prefer "bun in the oven" to "bunny in the oven." "Bunny in the oven" is going to get the Bambi-lovers all upset, even if they do recognize it as a diminutive. (We already shoot Bambi. Now we're gonna cook Thumper. You know poor Flower is next. Hmm. Might be a song in that...)

Joe

Oh, and just an "I have to share" thing. As I was shoveling dirt for the Vegetable Graveyard, the line(s) I kept singing (I don't dare call it "a chorus line," do I?) were:

Nutty, and flaky,
And sugary sweet,
As good on her back
As she is on her feet,
Great after lunch
And warm in the sack--
You can't take her home
But you'll always be back.

I'll go now. But I'll be back...

Joe

Hi Joe,

You sure are invested in this song -- and that's fine with me! If it passes muster with you, then I know I'll be in good shape...

Anyhoo, let me respond to your comments:

1) Brunette line: are you worried I'd be alienating a bevy of blondes here...or is there something about the line that doesn't read right to you? At this point, I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, if they're lucky enough to be blonde, they should be thankul, and not worry about what us poor brunettes are writing about ( ) . And seriously, dare I utter the words, "I'm not especially concerned with commercial viability" on this one. If say, Kellie Pickler thought it was up her alley (actually poor choice, she'd like that line)...um, if someone of "Blonde Importance" desperately wanted the song and the only line holding them back was that -- I'd drop it. Besides, in some ways, I think it's a back-handed compliment to Cookie.

On the other hand, is the little zinger worth ruffling those fair feathers? I dunno....let me think on it a bit more. And certainly, if there are any blondes reading this, I'd appreciate your input. (For the record, I don't think there's anything wrong with being blonde...in fact, some of my best friends are blonde, so.... )

2) Bun-ny in the oven: After much hemming and hawing, I agree with you. As much as I love the whole fun rhyme-y format, it actually makes me think of Glenn Close's rabbit scene in "Fatal Attraction". Don't want to go there. So yeah, I'm going to try to re-work that section.

3) Pussy Galore reference: I think if people get it, great, and if they don't, it doesn't take away from the song.

So thanks, Joseph-y, for keeping tabs on me and my lyric here.

Stay tuned....

Beth

Oh, I guess I am--interested, that is. I realize its commercial potential may be limited (then again, why is "Naked Space Hamsters in love" popular? T.A.N.A.F.T., I guess--There Ain't No Accounting For Taste. Cain't never tell).

I'm not sure if the blonde stereotype bothers me, or if I just feel it's irrelevant. Or should be. War story of sorts. My daughter, who is blonde, dyed her hair auburn while a junior in high school to improve her grades. It worked...

Really, my only worry about the "bun-ny" is it'll confuse people. When it's performed (and you always have to assume it's going to be performed--remember the hamsters), people aren't going to hear the hyphen. They'll hear "bunny." And they'll get confused. I haven't seen the Glenn Close movie, and now I'm not sure whether I should.

Joe

Okey Dokey Smokey!

Did a little tweaking....fixed "bunny", and bagged the brunette (that didn't come out right ). But I did include the term "layette"....not sure if that'a familiar enough term for the fellas.

Maybe something with the word "coquette"....

Anyhoo, changes up top in green....

See what you think....

Beth

Likes. Y'know, you could even have "bassinets for coquettes." (I know what a layette is, but I'm not sure we ever had one. Did have a bassinet, though.) Does the money have to be offshore? Could have a lot of (shall we say) onshore rhymes if not.

Joe

Ah, bassinet, that's just the word.

I like the "off shore" accounts, because it makes her sound SHREWD.

I'll go change that right now, THANKS JOE!

Mommy duty is just moments away!!

Beth