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Foray
by Fdemetrio - 04/23/24 12:11 AM
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Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 48
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 48 |
I've been having a bout of "Writer's Block". I couldn't get my brain out of neutral. Thought I would try again. All help appreciated.
Like the “Me” I’m Gonna Be Copyright 2009 Susie Whiting
Verse 1: I was looking in the mirror at a stranger. One I’d seen so many times before. She had black eyes, with skin that’s bruised and broken. I turned, as my baby walked through the door.
She put her arms around me and she held me tight. And In her tiny voice I heard her say. You’re still pretty mama. Don’t cry. I still love you. When I grow up, I’ll be just like you someday.
I looked one last time at the face that wasn’t mine And I said.
Chorus: Yes baby you are--and you’re gonna be strong. You’re gonna stand up for right and not back down from wrong. You’re gonna be kind. But you’re gonna be tough. You’ll stand on your own two feet when the going gets rough.
You’re gonna be just like me. You’re gonna be just like me Like the “me” I’m gonna be.
Verse 2: I packed our bags and told her to sit in the car. I said “Wait right here. Mommy will be back.” I left my wedding ring with my broken dreams there on his pillow. Then the mirror saw the mad end of a bat.
We left the past fading in the rear view mirror. I drove fast toward a brand new day. My little girl looked at me and smiled And said “Mama. I’m gonna be like you someday.”
I looked back one last time At a hell that wasn’t mine And I said.
Chorus: Yes baby you are and you’re gonna be strong. You’re gonna stand up for right and not back down from wrong. You’re gonna be kind. But you’re gonna be tough. You’ll stand on your own two feet when the going gets rough.
You’re gonna be just like me. You’re gonna be just like me Like the “me” I’m gonna be.
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 2,461
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 2,461 |
Susie look over my suggestive changes, I had to shorten the 2nd verse because it had too many syllables from the other, please use any or all if you like good luck PM me if ever need any help
Verse 1: I was looking in the mirror at a stranger. THE ONE I'D SEEN MANY TIMES BEFORE HER EYES WERE BLACKENED AND NEARLY CLOSED SHUT AS I turned, my baby walked through the door.
She put her arms around me and she held me tightLY And In her tiny voice I heard her say. You’re still pretty mama. Don’t cry. I still love you. When I grow up, I’ll be like you someday.
Verse 2: I packed our bags and told her to WAIT in the car. I said “SIT right here. Mommy will be back.” I THREW my wedding ring on TOP his pillow. Then the mirror saw the mad end of a bat.
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Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 48
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 48 |
Hi Gary: Thank you for your help. I wrote this at 2:00 in the morning and didn't check for the syllables. I appreciate your help.
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,697
Top 50 Poster
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Top 50 Poster
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Posts: 4,697 |
Hello Susie,
I think this is headed in a very powerful direction. I printed this off days ago to look over and am just getting to it. I see alot of potential in it. I made a few changes to tighten it up some and mostly to make it meter for the singing a little better. Here is what I suggest.
THE ME I'M GONNA BE
I STOOD looking in the mirror at a stranger One I'd seen TOO many times before WITH BLACKENED EYES AND SKIN SO bruised and broken TURNED AND SAW MY BABY GIRL BY THE DOOR
She put her arms around me, HELD ME TIGHTLY And in her tiny voice I heard her say PLEASE DON'T CRY, I STILL LOVE MY PRETTY MAMA When I grow up, I'LL BE LIKE YOU SOMEDAY
I SAW THE LITTLE FACE THAT LOOKED LIKE MINE RECALLED THE GIRL I WAS....ONCE UPON A TIME
Said.... Yes, Baby you will and you're gonna be strong Stand up for your rights, not back down when he's wrong You're gonna be kind, but you're gonna be tough Stand on your own feet, when the goin' gets rough Then you'll be like me.....just like me The Me I'm Gonna Be
PACKED OUR BAGS, TOLD HER WAIT ON THE FRONT PORCH SAID STAY HERE, MAMA WILL BE BACK I LEFT MY WEDDIN' RING AND DREAMS ON HIS PILLOW Then the mirror saw the mad end of a baseball bat.
I HUGGED HER AS WE LOADED UP THE CAR SAID, MAMA I NEED TO BE AS BRAVE AS YOU ARE
Repeat Chorus:
Bridge:
WE LEFT THE PAST FADING IN THE REAR VIEW DRIVING STRAIGHT INTO A BRAND NEW WORLD MY LITTLE GIRL LOOKED AT ME AND SMILED HER SPECIAL WAY SAID, MAMA, I'M GONNA BE LIKE YOU SOMEDAY
Repeat Chorus:
KOS all suggestions....hope it helped some....nice writing and hook, though.
Jan
Last edited by Janice Hopkins; 03/12/09 12:02 PM.
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 225
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 225 |
I SAW THE LITTLE FACE THAT LOOKED LIKE MINE RECALLED THE GIRL I WAS....ONCE UPON A TIME
Susie- Wow! What potential. I could really feel the song, I felt the nervousness you would feel if you were actually in that situation. I like your style. Janice has an excellent suggestion with that line, and the others as well, but that one really, really struck me!
Open to co-writers and collaborations with other lyricists and/or musicians.
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Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 48
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 48 |
Hi Janice: Thank you so very much for looking in and taking the time to give me some excellent advise. I so appreciate it. I am constantly amazed how other people can take what I write and with their feelings and talents can influence it so much. I think you have come up with some very constructive changes. Thanks again. Now, I am in search of someone to co-write music for it. If you have any suggestions, again, I would greatly appreciate it. Hope all is well in Michigan. LOL Susie
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Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 48
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 48 |
Vicki: Thank you so much. Yes, I appreciate the advise Janice gave. It is very helpful. As I mentioned to Janice, I am in search of someone to do the music for this one. If you have any ideas, I would appreciate hearing from you once again. Thanks for taking the time to look in and comment. LOL Susie
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