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#662237 - 10/23/08 09:50 PM Heavy On My Mind  
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
Kristi McKeever Offline
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Kristi McKeever  Offline
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Edit 10/27/08: It seems I have two versions going with this. Version 1 is below, Version 2 is below that, where I basically just added a line to each verse, to help fill them out a bit and strengthen the hook. I also haven't solved the "wooden" issue. Any feedback on these is welcome at any time... smile

This is one of those repeating-the-hook-at-the-end-of-the-verses lyrics. No chorus…which is different for me. Kind of an AABAA type structure…now I’m making up my own structures! HA!

Any feedback is appreciated. smile

Heavy On My Mind
©2008 Kristi McKeever

You laugh more when you’re around her
Stop and listen when she talks
I know you better than she does
But that battle’s already been fought
And you weigh heavy on my mind

The city can’t sleep with the lights on
And lost souls crossing the street
I sit here at the window
And wonder how life’s supposed to be
And you weigh heavy on my mind

You’ll romance her
Dance the last dance with her
There’ll be hushes in the night and candlelight
Strolls outside, talks about life
And plans I wish were mine

There’s a friend beneath my wooden face
Who laughs and cries with you
But I need to keep my distance
And find other things to do
Cuz you weigh heavy on my mind

So I’ll pick myself up and disappear
Into the city crowds
I may not know where I’m going
But I won’t keep my head down
(even though) you weigh heavy on my mind

Heavy on my mind
You weigh heavy on my mind

*********** // ***********

Heavy On My Mind Version 2
©2008 Kristi McKeever

You laugh more when you’re around her
Stop and listen when she talks
I know you better than she does
That battle’s already been fought
But I’m walking a fine line
Cuz you weigh heavy on my mind

The city can’t sleep with the lights on
And lost souls crossing the street
As my thoughts drift with the soft wind
I wonder how life’s supposed to be
But I don’t see the signs
Cuz you weigh heavy on my mind

You’ll romance her
Dance the last dance with her
There’ll be hushes in the night and candlelight
Strolls outside, talks about life
And plans I wish were mine

There’s a friend beneath my wooden/shallow/empty/somber/painted face
Who laughs and cries with you
But I need to rise above it all
And find other things to do
I can’t hold back time
Cuz you weigh heavy on my mind

So I’ll pick myself up and disappear
Into the city crowds
I may not know where I’m going
But I won’t keep my head down
And I won’t look behind
Though you weigh heavy on my mind

Heavy on my mind
You weigh heavy on my mind


Last edited by Kristi McKeever; 10/27/08 10:39 PM.

A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#662250 - 10/23/08 10:31 PM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
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Caroline Offline
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Texas
Hey Kristi, there are soem great images here. The wooden face seems to stop the flow for me. Until then it's all soft, in my interpretation, and then a tree, right in the middle of the river. That's the only thing I see that isn't quite catching me right. Every other word, is perfectly in place for the story and feelings, imo.

Great writing!


Caroline


http://www.myspace.com/carolineholder
http://www.soundclick.com/carolinewroteit

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them! (Dove Dark Chocolate)
#662273 - 10/23/08 11:43 PM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 7,386
Beth G. Williams Offline
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Posts: 7,386
Massachusetts
BRECKY!

This is CRAZY talk!! grin AABAA?! Lord o' thunder, next thing ya know you'll be doing Cirque de Soleil!!

But fortunately, you are FLEXIBLE -- as this lyric demonstrates so nicely. smile

Such a sad tale. Not an altogether unfamiliar one -- but you've given it a nice twist. I like the hook a lot -- especially since it would have been easy to say heavy on my HEART. By saying "mind" instead, it suggest she's intellectualizing, and so she's not quite ready to FEEL her pain yet. Of course, maybe that inability to be in touch with her emotions -- or the opposite, overanalyzing them -- might have been one of the straws that broke the camel's back. But she's clearly burdened by his loss to the other woman.

The writing, as usual, is very pretty and image-driven. But I will have to chime in with Caroline on the wooden face one. While on it's own I think it's lovely, my take is she would pretend to be happy for him. Even if she never actually encountered him. 'Course, I could be totally wrong, and it won't be the first (or last) time that's happened.

One other thought....might there be some way to set up a contrast with the HEAVINESS? Maybe a light snow is falling, or she sees children skipping gaily (not at night obviously), but you know what I mean. Just to set up even more of a stark contrast to what she's experiencing. And I do feel mighty bad for her....

Regardless, Kristi, you've done a fine job here, setting the scene and establishing the mood. That opening verse is so strong you could almost use it as a chorus....but I know, I know, you're all about this AABAA business. Let me know when you want to come back to the dark side and start using a chorus and a bridge again!! wink wink


Ciao for now,
Beth


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=949237

http://www.myspace.com/goldencatfish

"Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches."
#662362 - 10/24/08 06:22 AM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Beth G. Williams]  
Joined: Aug 2008
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DonnaMarilyn Offline
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DonnaMarilyn  Offline
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Netherlands
This is lovely, Kristi. wink (I like the unusual structure, as I'm playing a bit with that myself. wink )
I agree with Caroline about 'wooden face'. Perhaps a word like 'careful' would be better in this context. Good suggestions from Beth as well with regard to setting up a contrast.

I like the hook/title. It's reminiscent of the wonderful 'Gentle on My Mind', but conveys just the opposite.

Donna


Honour the Earth. Without it, we'd be nowhere.

Life is too important to take seriously.

http://www.reverbnation.com/donnamarilynrichblend




#662369 - 10/24/08 08:05 AM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 411
Randy P. Gendron Offline
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Posts: 411
Thank you for everything Kristi ! smile



#662374 - 10/24/08 08:40 AM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Randy P. Gendron]  
Joined: Apr 2002
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Calvin Offline
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Calvin  Offline
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Posts: 19,839
Okeechobee, Florida U.S.A.
Hi Kristi,

Good to see you again.
I liked it on the 1st read & even more the 2nd time.
And I'd like to vote YES, for the "wooden face".

It's different & good in my opinion !

Good luck & I hope we hear it sometime.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

#662439 - 10/24/08 02:40 PM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
"Tampa Stan" Good (D) Offline
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"Tampa Stan" Good (D)  Offline
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Tampa, Florida since 1973
HiDee Mz Sunshine!

What a Fine Sweet, Soft, Sad One!

V1's a perfect Setup.
V2's a bit More-Cryptic (for me), but that Hook's gettin' More Familiar...
Bridge's VERY Powerful.
V4's also Quite Powerful..& shows The Singer's a good Survivor.
I Especially Like V5..& the "I'm Soldiering-On" aspect. WAY too-Many "Weepers" out there/I LIKE this Gal's Spunk!

"KUDOS" on one of the Few Sad Ones Out There I actually LIKE!

Good Luck with it, M'LadyChum! Mighty Fine Writin'!
Big Hugs,
Ol' Stan

#662616 - 10/24/08 10:19 PM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Caroline]  
Joined: May 2007
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Kristi McKeever Offline
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Kristi McKeever  Offline
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USA
Thanks Caroline, that’s nice of you to say. Yeah, wooden…it says exactly what I mean, so I’m not sure what to do about it. Let me play with it:

There’s a friend beneath my shallow face
There’s a friend beneath my blank face
There’s a friend beneath my empty eyes

Oops…here I go again….off on a tangent! I’ll have every body part in the place of face soon if I’m not careful! Hmmm….there’s a-time I need to think about it, I think… Thanks again for your input! smile

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#662627 - 10/24/08 10:40 PM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Beth G. Williams]  
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
Kristi McKeever Offline
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Kristi McKeever  Offline
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Alright, Miss Beth…Whaddya got…

Let me direct you up to my response to Caroline for the “wooden” issue….I guess what I’m trying to say is yes, what you said, she puts up a brave front…pretending to be happy for him. You make some good points and I actually thought about having more “heavy” contrasts/similarities and I do have it there in the end, in V4. I could do more I suppose…

What about:

The city can’t sleep with the lights on
And lost souls crossing the street
As my thoughts drift with the soft wind
I wonder how life’s supposed to be
And you weigh heavy on my mind

And here:

There’s a friend beneath my wooden/shallow/blank/empty face
Who laughs and cries with you
But I need to rise above it all
And find other things to do
Cuz you weigh heavy on my mind

Eh - not sure. I don’t know at this point…I’m just playing around with it, as I know you know. I’m not necessarily avoiding chorus songs, in fact, I’ve written a few w/choruses after writing this one…I just haven’t posted them! wink I didn’t start out and say I’m gonna write an AABAA song, first, because that really doesn’t even exist…and second, I wouldn’t want to force a lyric into my pre-conceived notions of what I think it should be. It just came out this way. Your points are well-taken and right on, so we shall see… Thanks for taking the time to offer your highly-respected thoughts on this! smile

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#662628 - 10/24/08 10:47 PM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,865
Caroline Offline
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Caroline  Offline
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Texas

How about something sort of like...sober, solemn, stone, somber (sorry bout all the S words, lol, I've got a one track mind) anyway, it's just the word wooden, not the context that you've used it in, I think the idea is perfect, just doesn't seem to go with face. I had to go back, once I got back on here, and make sure I read this right. (no marionettes)



Caroline


http://www.myspace.com/carolineholder
http://www.soundclick.com/carolinewroteit

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them! (Dove Dark Chocolate)
#662631 - 10/24/08 10:52 PM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: DonnaMarilyn]  
Joined: May 2007
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Kristi McKeever Offline
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Kristi McKeever  Offline
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Thanks Donna. Yeah, the jury’s still out on “wooden” as you can see in my previous responses to Caroline and Beth. It’s helpful to have your reaction to it….and thank you for the vote for the “unusual structure!” grin I’m not sure what I’ve gotten myself into here!!

I appreciate you stopping by and offering your thoughts… smile

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#662687 - 10/25/08 02:44 AM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 2,177
Shayne Vaughan Offline
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Shayne Vaughan  Offline
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Edmonton, KY USA
I'd flip these lines:

The city can’t sleep with the lights on
And lost souls crossing the street
I sit here at the window
And wonder how life’s supposed to be

to--

I sit here (doing something...crying by, staring through) the window
And wonder how life’s supposed to be
The city can’t sleep with the lights on
And lost souls crossing the street

#662743 - 10/25/08 10:49 AM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
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WriterTomYeager Offline
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WriterTomYeager  Offline
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Harrisonburg,Virtginia
Hi Kristi

i think you have a very strong foundation for this thing......the others have offered better suggestions than i have for possible tweaks......did that musical instrument software you downloaded help you in your songwriting?......have you found it useful?......

Tom

#662748 - 10/25/08 11:42 AM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
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Joice Marie Offline
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Joice Marie  Offline
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Cornish Flat, NH, USA
Good Morning Kristi

Well I like what you have going on here... You have a lot to think about already in suggestions, so I hate to stir it up more, but I know that you will sort it out. Here's my thought

You laugh more when you’re around her
Stop and listen when she talks
I know you better than she does
But that battle’s already been fought
And you weighWEIGHING heavy on my mind

following through with that for for the rest because it reads more part of the verse train of thought this way.

I wasn't bothered by wooden face.
but if you want softer, maybe painted/made up/powdered... face

Best wises smile jm



perfection is unattainable, excellence is totally within reach

http://www.youtube.com/joicemarie
http://www.myspace.com/lemonmcfartney
#662789 - 10/25/08 04:45 PM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Randy P. Gendron]  
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Kristi McKeever Offline
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Kristi McKeever  Offline
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Hi Randy,

Oh dear….I have to really think now….LOL :o What I hear you saying is to get the verses to “flow and grow” and I sort of know what you mean, but not sure I can pull it off! I originally had the hook line change a bit with the verses, like with “your memory weighs heavy…”, etc but changed it to just “you” because that’s more direct. Alright, why not experiment a bit, you never know whatcha might find…. Can’t hurt…(well, it can, but.. whistle ) I’ve added to the 5th line, making it 6 line verses now, hoping to add a mix of contrasting/aligning ideas with the hook while also giving it a purpose, multiple meanings, so to speak. Among other things, I'm sure, I have the issue of phrases wrapping around to the next line inconsistently now and a very strange rhyme scheme:

You laugh more when you’re around her
Stop and listen when she talks
I know you better than she does
But that battle’s already been fought
In the trenches, on the front line
Where you weigh heavy on my mind

The city can’t sleep with the lights on
And lost souls crossing the street
As my thoughts drift with the soft wind
I wonder how life’s supposed to be
All around me there are signs
Hard to see with you heavy on my mind

You’ll romance her
Dance the last dance with her
There’ll be hushes in the night and candlelight
Strolls outside, talks about life
And plans I wish were mine

There’s a friend beneath my wooden/shallow/somber/painted/powdered face
Who laughs and cries with you
But I need to rise above it all
And find other things to do
Cuz I know how to hold back time
And keep you heavy on my mind

So I’ll pick myself up and disappear
Into the city crowds
I may not know where I’m going
But I won’t keep my head down
And I won’t look behind
Even though you weigh heavy on my mind

I do appreciate you telling me your gut reaction. That's in fact, what I like to hear from people! smile I thank you kindly for your thoughts and ideas...

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#662805 - 10/25/08 06:02 PM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Calvin]  
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 3,828
Kristi McKeever Offline
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Kristi McKeever  Offline
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Posts: 3,828
USA
Hey Calvin,

A yes vote for the wooden face! Hey now! Cool. cool (I’m glad to know you think it’s different and good). Not sure what I’m gonna do there…I’ll play around with some ideas and eventually just choose, ya know? The same goes for the structure here. I can learn a lot from experimenting I think. But it's good to know you like it 1st (and 2nd) time around...very helpful, very helpful...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#662807 - 10/25/08 06:16 PM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: ]  
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Hi Stan,

So the "wooden face" didn't bother you? If V2 is too cryptic for ya, don't look at what I'm experimenting with! LOL grin Well, like I told Calvin, I'm glad you think it works for the most part in my original post. I never know when to quit, so I'm tweaking it in the hopes it takes it up a notch... (?)

I'm glad the spirit of the narrator comes across like you mentioned. That's important. And your outline is helpful to know where the strong and weak parts of the lyric are!

Thank you for that! smile

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#662808 - 10/25/08 06:22 PM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Caroline]  
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Kristi McKeever Offline
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Caroline,

Yeah, I had a couple of those on my list too...all "s" words for some reason! I'm currently inserting them ALL in to make quite the statement!! ha ha ha grin

Thanks for the ideas...

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#662816 - 10/25/08 06:42 PM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
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Kristi--

I love this! Especially like the format....it's different but effective! I don't really have a problem with "wooden", but if you are looking for a better word...hmmm...I like somber, sullen, hidden, masked...I dunno it's really tough to find something else that would work. But I get what you're saying with it and if you can't find a word to use instead, then I think wooden would be just fine. Other than that, this is great!!! Best of luck, and have a wonderful weekend!! smile

~~Kassie~~


Love is the best, yet worst thing that can happen to a person...
#662890 - 10/26/08 02:59 AM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Shayne Vaughan]  
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Kristi McKeever Offline
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Shayne,

Thanks for the suggestion. My thought process was that from what she’s watching out the window, that’s what makes her wonder how things should be. She could also be wondering about her life first, then notice the people in the street…hmmmm...

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#662891 - 10/26/08 03:05 AM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: WriterTomYeager]  
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Kristi McKeever Offline
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Hi Tom,

Thanks for your comments. Yeah, I’ve been experimenting with it as you can see in my responses to Beth and Randy….not sure which way to go with it at this point…but it’s always a process, ya know?

As far as that musical instrument software, I started to try to get familiar with how to play it with the keyboard, but my computer has now decided not to work anymore! frown So right now, I have to use the family computer here and have to limit the things I download. (I hope to have my brother who’s a whiz with computers look at it soon) …oh, these computers drive me nuts! Anyway, thanks again for stopping by…

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#662892 - 10/26/08 03:10 AM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Joice Marie]  
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Hi Joice,

What a great idea! If you see what I wrote to Randy, maybe I’ve incorporated a little of that verse train of thought in there? Hmmmm...I’ll keep pondering….Thanks for your vote of confidence for me to sort it all out though! LOL crazy

And your ideas for the “wooden” face are good and currently under consideration there….

I always appreciate your feedback! smile

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#662893 - 10/26/08 03:15 AM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: les_paul_gurl]  
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Hi Kassie,

Well, thank you for your very kind words! You make me smile… smile Your input on the “wooden” words is appreciated…as you can see, I don’t know what to do with that word at this moment in time. Guess I’ll just wait and see what settles in.

Thanks so much for stopping by with your cheerful message! grin

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#662921 - 10/26/08 08:25 AM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
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Randy P. Gendron Offline
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cool



#663296 - 10/27/08 10:48 PM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Randy P. Gendron]  
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Hi Randy,

Thank you so much for your input. It’s very helpful. When I go off and try to improve something, or kick it up a notch, it’s nice to have “spotters” along the way….. grin

I guess I’m too conscious of the rhyme scheme (abcbdd) (lol!) when I should just trust my inner “ears”! HA That’s really how I work anyway…I hate to be too conscious of “rules” and structure...stunts the creativity!

I’ve brought it back around a bit and posted it up top, it’s a good reference for me for when I look at it again in the future and see what my brain likes/dislikes...but I, too, am growing fond of that wooden/shallow/somber/painted/powdered face line…isn’t it cute? grin

Thanks again…much appreciated!

Kristi

Last edited by Kristi McKeever; 10/27/08 10:50 PM.

A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#665160 - 11/04/08 08:52 AM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
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Ray Thyer (D) Offline
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G'day Kristi, I confess that being a bloke ( Aussie for a male person) I can't get the story properly. Here, there is much ado about 'Stalking' a person and criminal trials have resulted in wrongdoers being sent to jail. I doubt that you have written about such a bad person so please explain to a dumb Aussie bloke what your song intends/wants to be. I like your songwriting style and I think that is bonzer. I don't mean to hinder just am ignorant of the facts is all. Good luck with it and best wishes, Ray down under.


Ray Thyer
#665237 - 11/04/08 04:15 PM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
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Hi Kristi

Just wanted to stop in to say that I'm feeling that the 2nd version feels stronger, somehow to me.

I think I want to flip the CUZ and THOUgh in the last 2 verses - I know, that's pretty picky. smile jm


perfection is unattainable, excellence is totally within reach

http://www.youtube.com/joicemarie
http://www.myspace.com/lemonmcfartney
#665324 - 11/04/08 09:43 PM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Ray Thyer (D)]  
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Kristi McKeever Offline
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Hi Ray,

You're funny....Hmmmm…what does my song want to be? That’s an excellent question. I make a little note to myself after I write a song, about its intention, so in the future I’ll know what my brain was initially trying to say, ya know? crazy This lyric is just about a girl who is friends with this guy and wishing for a romantic relationship (whether they tried that in the past or not) and the guy isn’t interested type-of-deal. But she moves on in the end, although she’ll still think about him. (No stalking....yikes!)The “heavy” on my mind was intended to convey her memory of him and how she thinks about him and what was/could have been. BUT she moves on. And that’s the point, because he’s happier (and she will be too), elsewhere.

Your comments make me aware of the different ways people can interpret things. Thanks for keeping my eyes open! I appreciate you stopping by.

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#665329 - 11/04/08 10:21 PM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Joice Marie]  
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Hi Joice,

Well, I was hoping to get some feedback on the two versions, so thanks, I’m glad to know your preference. smile

Let me look at those little words. They are what keep things interesting, right? I’m assuming you meant using version #2:

Flipping Cuz and Though:

I can’t hold back time
Though you weigh heavy on my mind

And I won’t look behind
Cuz you weigh heavy on my mind

Subtle, yet even with just the last two lines of the verses, it seems like the “Cuz” with the looking behind line gives her a little more strength….wow…that is so cool. Thanks for that idea, Joice! So glad you stopped by… smile

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#665331 - 11/04/08 10:30 PM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
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Goodness gracious, Brecky,

It appears I never returned for a second look-see here, I'm sorry. I meant to, at the outset of version two. I have GOT to work on that "thought I did it but didn't" stuff....

REGARDLESS, the tweakage -- though subtle -- was very effective. It closed the deal for me!!

What sort of music would you imagine with this? So many people could relate to this story....

Ciao for now,
Beth


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=949237

http://www.myspace.com/goldencatfish

"Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches."
#665644 - 11/05/08 11:25 PM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Beth G. Williams]  
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Beth,

No need to apologize! I know you have been very busy lately. wink

So you like the tweakage? So that's another vote for Version 2. I still have the wooden issue, but we'll see....I'm lettin' it simmer. Oh, I'm really not sure what sort of music I imagine this with....but I'm glad to know you think many people could relate to it...

Thanks for coming back. Appreciate the input! smile

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#667208 - 11/12/08 11:25 AM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
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#667407 - 11/13/08 01:10 AM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Randy P. Gendron]  
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Hi Randy,

Whatcha talkin’ about?! How did you stunt my creativity? Just the opposite! Your ideas helped me delve a little deeper into the lyric and I appreciate your time and thoughts! I want to hear it all….good, bad, and indifferent…! :o wink

I have fun with the process…it’s not ALL about the finished product to me…(although that’s impt too!) It’s fun trying to find the “right” words for a specific circumstance and tossing words around and putting them together to make a story that brings a tear or shares a joy….and it’s fun to hear the thoughts and ideas of others that bring me around new corners and then to those ah-HA moments…which eventually, hopefully find their way to a listener…..Then… (drum roll…)it’s just as fun to let-it-gooooo…it is what it is, at SOME point, ya know what I mean? It's like following the Yellow Brick Road...

So..with that said…Don’t hold back! And thank you again for “weighing in”… grin

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#667429 - 11/13/08 02:04 AM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
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S.DEE Offline
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The wooden face is a cool fresh way to describe feelings,ya know along the lines of stone face ,long face etc. So id leave wooden face its unique and fresh.Like the way you keep the girl in the background as the observer,the person feeling pain,the person longing but yet the front she puts on trying to convince the listener that the situation doent bother herself. Nice flowing imagery her. I think when the song shows good prosody (matching lyric with melody) you'll have a pretty cool fresh way to say the ordinary love hurts song .Keep the editer workin but dont over work it .Stay with your heart on the song.Lots of luck S.Dee

#667500 - 11/13/08 10:52 AM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: S.DEE]  
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G'day Kristi, first my humble apology. I try to acknowledge each songwriter who replies to my comments and somehow I didn't here. I never for a moment thought you would write about bad people's doings.I thank you for explaining your bonzer song's meaning to a dumb Aussie Bloke. "interpretation" of one's words is always a chore for me. As I travelled around this vast continent of Australia and from one state to another I am always thinking twice on different person's words for some words mean one thing in their homestate and have a very different meaning in another and it was even worse when I tried to speak to Chinese people as I learned just a few words and the phonetics of their language convey much and many different messages from one to another and I confess is not understood by me at all. Sorry I digress. Secondly, I want to thank your for your kind words and suggestion for the last line of "Count Ten" and which I now co-write with Stan Good. best wishes, Ray down under.


Ray Thyer
#667728 - 11/14/08 12:31 AM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: S.DEE]  
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Hi S.Dee,

Thank you for your insights and nice comments. I’m so glad to hear your thoughts on the “wooden face” issue. It’s funny how things strike people differently! And it’s nice to know you also think wooden can work.

Your advice is well-taken ~ never want to overwork it! And I like “stay with your heart on the song.” Yep. That’s what it’s all about. wink

Thanks again,
Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#667731 - 11/14/08 12:40 AM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Ray Thyer (D)]  
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Hi Ray,

Hey, no apology needed at all...I think you did reply. Anyway, I love that word bonzer! Wasn’t sure exactly what it meant at first, but I’ve seen it used in other posts and it’s a “good” word. I think Australians have some neat expressions, and their accent is tough to imitate! Btw, I have heard that the Chinese language is one of the most difficult to learn. But yes, people interpret things differently and one word can change it all! :o Anyway, I’m glad you were able to get “Count to Ten” to where you want it to be! I wish you the best with it! Thanks for taking the time to stop by again and pass along your thoughts.

Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#667759 - 11/14/08 02:04 AM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
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S.DEE Offline
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Kristi you are very welcome i hope my input helps in some way.Take care ,Have fun with the tune S.Dee

#668886 - 11/19/08 12:14 AM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Kristi McKeever]  
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Hi Kristi,

I read this the other night, and really liked it. I was trying to think of a replacement for the "wooden" issue, but couldn't, so I didn't reply. My bad frown. Would "cool facade" work? Just a thought. Hope you find the words you're looking for. Nice lyric, best of luck with it.

Kelli

#669156 - 11/20/08 12:35 AM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: S.DEE]  
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Kristi McKeever Offline
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S.Dee,

Yes, your input helps a lot! Knowing how you internalize something lets me know how it is being received. The tone, the flow, the message…I have no idea unless you tell me! LOL wink

Thanks for that! smile
Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
#669168 - 11/20/08 01:13 AM Re: Heavy On My Mind [Re: Mel]  
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Kristi McKeever Offline
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Hi Kelli,

Hmmm…”cool facade” is very interesting. Captures that same idea ~ I never would have thought of it ~ I like it....I’ll definitely see how it reads/sings as I go over this...

Thanks so much! smile
Kristi


A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist

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