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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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This is a sassy little country song - with maybe a too sassy ending. lol Any feedback is greatly appreciated Stuck In Memphis I picked up the key to my heart And laid it in the palm of your hand You acted like it was a Cracker Jack prize That’s not quite what I had planned Now I’m stuck here in Memphis With your dog and all the bills While you’re out on your Harley Chasing women and cheap thrills If I could get to Nashville I would live out all my dreams Instead I’m stuck in Memphis Serving burgers and ice cream You ordered wings and sweet tea Your smile hooked me from the start You reeled me in just like a big trophy bass Guess I wasn’t very smart Now I’m stuck here in Memphis Tossing wishes at the moon While you’re out having nuts and beer In some cheap late night saloon In Nashville I know I could Be a star upon the stage Instead I’m stuck in Memphis With a boss that’s half my age I laid my last dollar down And picked my lucky ticket quick Spent all day thinking that I might be the one Guess all that wishing did the trick Now my dog is on the front seat And I’ve packed up my guitar We’re looking at 200 miles In this brand new red sports car If you’d have given me a ring You might have seen your half Instead I'm bound for Nashville now And you can kiss my *** Copyright 2008 Emma’s Gate Music/ASCAP Amy Bogue
Last edited by Amy Bogue; 08/23/08 06:51 PM.
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Hi Amy,
What a nice way to meet you. This song is dynamite. It's after midnight, but I had to take a minute to say how much this has going for it. Great story. It flows really nicely from set-up to payoff.
Some really nice lines in here.
"You acted like it was a Cracker Jack prize" "Tossing wishes at the moon" "With a boss that’s half my age"
Couldn't find much to suggest. Couple of very small things.
You used the word cheap in the same spot and similar context in V1 and V2. I didn't even notice that at first. Probably fine.
The one line that stopped me for a sec was "A star upon the stage" I'm guessing a Memphis waitress might say it a little different.
This is so nice, you might want to stretch it out a little with a bridge to break up the ABABAB. You said you were working on the music - there you go.
I enjoyed this one, Amy. Glad I stayed up late and all. Good luck with it - and welcome.
Keith
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HiDee & Welcome Amy!
"..Like a big trophy bass"..
Hey, Fellas..THIS gal knows how to write to Win-a-Man's-Heart, don't ya think? One Hell of a Good Simile thar, Sis!
Cute Storyline...tho the KMA Line's hard for a Man t'Swaller.
For some odd reason, I'll sug "Chasin' CHEAP women & thrills"..might sing a bit better?
And..."Servin' Red-Hots & Ice Cream" might also SABB? (K-O-S)
Oh..perhaps "With a PERV boss TWICE my age" might arouse More Angst...?
Mmmm..."You reeled me in (delete-just) like a big trophy bass/ SHOULDA CUT BAIT FROM THE START"...I'd sug. cuz I find Intelligent Babes to be LOTS-better-"Catches."
"SOMEHOW EACH wish did the trick" scans-smoother, JMO.
Okidoke...(That's Japanese for GOOD SONG & GOOD LUCK With It!) Big Welcomin' Hugs, Ol' Stan
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Hi Amy, I don't know that we've met yet "officially", so howdy! I have to say, this is terrific. Though I have a couple of friends living in Memphis who might take offense ( ), I think you've set up a great story. Your meter is dead-on....no tripping over words for me.... I also love "the Empowered Woman" story arc -- none of that wishy-washy "oh maybe he'll change". Though of course there are places for that type of song as well. In terms of the lyrics themselves, I was engaged from the very first line. You've managed to crank out quite a honky-tonk story while sprinkling in some GREAT imagery. I had a couple of favorite lines -- several of which have already been "called out": You acted like it was a Cracker Jack prize You ordered wings and sweet tea (such Southern treats!)You reeled me in just like a big trophy bass Tossing wishes at the moon I guess my only bugaboo would be the last line. Might you consider tempering it a bit?... If you'd have given me a ring You might have seen your half Instead I'm bound for Nashville now 'BOUT TIME I'M MAKIN' TRACKS This alternate ending has has a fun double meaning....about leaving and making music. I also like that she's put in her time with this guy, and now she's putting that period of her life behind her. In other words, he's not worth the last line of the song. Because in some ways, she shares the "blame" for staying as long as she did...so it's perhaps a subtle but important change in her mental direction. Anyway, this is top-notch, Amy. Sounds like you're going to be a great addition to the board. I look forward to hearing the music to this one. Take care, Beth
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Amy,
Really excellent lyrics - lots of fresh, striking imagery that consistently expresses the "sassy" tone you wanted. These are some of the best lyrics I've seen in the forum.
Here are a couple nit picks. I had to stop and think about "lucky ticket." Does that refer to the state lottery? For what it's worth, in Maryland, we would say:
I put my last dollar down And picked my lucky NUMBER quick Spent all day thinking that IT might be the one Guess all that wishing did the trick
In the last chorus, "my dog" made me wonder. Earlier in the song, you refer to being stuck with the guy's dog. Is this the same dog? Would you want to take a dog with you? It didn't sound like you were very happy with having a dog.
Finally, it would be good if you could repeat the hook in the last chorus. Here is just an example:
Now I'm bound for Nashville And I've packed up my guitar We're looking at 200 miles In this brand new red sports car If you'd have given me a ring You might have seen your half Well I hope you're stuck in Memphis now And you can kiss my ***
Walt
FlyAwayAngel
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...with the Mobile (cycle) Blues Again! Sorry, I couldn't resist.
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Wow! I've been really busy the past couple of days, it sure was nice to come back to all of these great comments! There are a lot of good suggestions here... Keith - thanks, because I didn't catch the fact that I used the word "cheap" twice - I'm going to look at changing that. Also, I will think about the "star upon the stage" line - you have a valid point. Yeah, I'm thinking maybe a musical break would be cool in here, lots of guitar picking, maybe. Stan - your post really made me smile - glad you liked the bass thing lol and yeah, I know that the KMA line is a bit strong - but is was so much FUN! I've been thinking about changing it, since it's probably not too marketable the way it is. Oh, and the PERV thing, well I'm thinking that's a bit strong for even me. The other suggestions you made, I kind of need to roll those around in my head for a bit. Lots of stuff to think about though. Beth - Thanks, I like your suggestion for that last line - I'll think that one over, it makes a lot of sense. I knew that one would have to change, but again it was just so much FUN to write it that way, lol. It's great to meet you too - I'm really excited about being here! Walt - wow! That's such an awesome compliment - I'm so flattered You bring up an interesting point about the line about the lottery "And picked my lucky ticket quick". I need to do some research on that, maybe. Here in Florida - you can buy a ticket called a "Quick Pick" - that's where the machine picks the numbers for you. It's what I had in mind when I wrote that line. But honestly, I don't even know if the state of Tennessee has a lottery. LOL, now that would be a problem! Oh, and the dog thing - yeah, I'm thinking if I'm the girl in this song - I've fallen in love with that dog over time - that old boy is coming to Nash with me! Besides, what better way to get back at a guy than to take his dog. LOL hence, now it's MY dog, not his. Jack - I think I haven't been around here long enough to understand your comment - is this a song of yours? Ok, I just want to say it's so nice to meet all of you and I really appreciate you taking the time to comment on these lyrics Have a great day! Amy
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AMY........
You know what..........That my dear, is REALLY cool....
As for the lottery issue...RULE #1....what ever "sings" best AND makes sense wins......we don't know the melody here so it's irrelevant at this point....
BUT>>>>>>>>>>>>If you need another angle try "lottery numbers quick".....(syllables in lot-tery may be an issue IDK)
Work that music out....This is great
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Top notch Amy...I agree.
One dart to throw though. This is, as pointed out, great and sassy and empowering with an emmmm kick .. finish (sorry couldn't resist)....but then she can only get out by winning the lottery....meaning you lose a lot of folks who can identify with this.
I'd have her do something to get out under her own power... adding dimension to this woman...
If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop
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Hi Kaley - nice to meet you too! Steve - glad you like it - I wish I could just find the TIME to work the music out - hoping to squeak some of that out this weekend John - taking the lottery winnings away, in my opinion, would just take too much out of this story line. It's not like she's with an abusive husband or anything, he's just a jerk lol. Anyway, now that I think of it I have another song that has a similar story line but a little bit of a different take on things. It's called "August Storm".... maybe I'll post those lyrics up for feedback too while I'm at it. Thanks again, Amy
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Hi Amy, I think this has a lot of very visual lines and a sassy story which a lot of women can relate to! Nice job! For what it's worth, I do agree with John V about losing a lot of folk with the lottery getting her out. Now, if it was his DOG that turned out to be worth a million, now that'd be some cool retribution! Good luck with it! Kristi
A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist
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For what it's worth, I looked up the Tennessee lottery and they also have the tickets called "Quick Picks" - so I think I will keep that line as it is - that's what I was referencing in the line "And picked my lucky ticket quick" - you know how you get some things in your head, and then they are just hard to change?
Anyway, I'm going to try to work these over a little bit this week and get some music nailed down. Last weekend was very busy - I'm hoping for some free time soon.
Free time? well, it sounds nice anyway lol
Off to work now
Amy
Last edited by Amy Bogue; 08/05/08 10:56 AM.
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Hi guys, I finally wrote some changes into this one and I'm going to hope for some time to get some recording done on it tonight Here's the new version of the lyrics - just a few changes. Stuck In MemphisI picked up the key to my heart And laid it in the palm of your hand You acted like it was a Cracker Jack prize That’s not quite what I had planned Now I’m stuck here in Memphis With your dog and all the bills While you’re out on your Harley Chasing women and cheap thrills If I could get to Nashville I would live out all my dreams Instead I’m stuck in Memphis Serving burgers and ice cream You ordered wings and sweet tea Your smile hooked me from the start You reeled me in just like a big trophy bass Guess I wasn’t very smart Now I’m stuck here in Memphis Tossing wishes at the moon While you’re out slamming shooters In some honky tonk saloon In Nashville I know I could Prove myself up on the stage Instead I’m stuck in Memphis With a boss that’s half my age I laid my last dollar down And picked my lucky ticket quick Spent all day thinking that I might be the one Guess all that wishing did the trick Now my dog is on the front seat And I’ve packed up my guitar We’re looking at 200 miles In this brand new red sports car If you’d have given me a ring You might have seen your half But now you're stuck in Memphis And you can kiss my *** Alternate Ending: Eating dust that's from my tracks (this is tamer, but I still like the impact of the original ending better) Copyright 2008 Emma’s Gate Music/ASCAP Amy Bogue
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I love the sassiness. Excellent lyric. I like the 'cheeky' (pardon the pun) last line, but also appreciate the double meaning in the alternative (i.e. 'tracks') Best of luck with this! DM
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Amy,
I think your changes are effective, especially including the hook in the last chorus. The lyrics are really terrific!
Walt
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Amy, listening to the radidio these days "kiss my a$$" seems par for the course. Shucks I wrote one titled "Kiss my Tracks". 'course it ain't been cut-yet.
This is really fun. Winning the lottery is cool! And he thought HE was lucky- hah!
Have fun, John
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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Hey Amy!
This is so awesome! Gotta love a FEISTY WOMAN'S song!
Great lyrics - any melody yet?
Charlann
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