JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 "Think Twice, Speak Once" -- NOW CALLED "Look Before You Leap"

BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD ALREADY: NEW TITLE, MAJOR-REHAUL, SEE BELOW

Morning boys and girls,

Here's a new one for your (hopeful) reading pleasure and (ultimate) keen commentary. Classic case of "started out with one song...ended up with another".

Ink's spilling all over the place, so be careful (though you KNOW who's most likely to slip and hurt herself, don't you? )

ENJOY! All comments, sugs welcome....

Ciao for now,
Beth


“Look Before You Leap” (formerly "Think Twice, Speak Once")
© lyrics 2008 Beth Williams


Grandpa was a carpenter with only one eye
Lost the other to a drunk, shooting pool
Tossed his words without care, too late for a prayer
Was the last time he spoke out of school

Grandpa was a carpenter with only one eye
Cloaked in sawdust, he gathered his sons
Just follow the grain, it'll save lots of pain
Always measure it twice, then cut once

Chorus:
He grabbed a stick nearby, and
Pointing to his eye, said
Make sure to treat your words -- like wood -- with care
Sometimes the smallest error
Can change your life forever
So look before you leap, that is my prayer

Bridge:
Whether blinking or winking, his eye helped them see
You reap what you sow, and the price can be steep

Chorus repeat

Grandpa was a carpenter with only one eye
In his dreams always back at that bar, where
Everyone shrank from his twice-measured plank
Just one swing had that drunk seeing stars

Chorus:
He grabbed a stick nearby, and
Pointing to his eye, said
Try to treat your words -- like wood -- with care
Sometimes the smallest error
Can change your life forever
So look before you leap, that is my prayer
Just look before you leap, that is my prayer

Hi Beth

I like the hook and the story line has potential.... Having statements " " in my limited experience is a hard write..... I have one myself with music shelved, 'cause it is still not working....

Right out of the gate I get the sense of what's going on? I think you have to set up that quote better. A listener will not have the quotes and if it's not live the singer has to do it with intonation... I'll have to come back and read, but this is what I have for the first read through. jm

Hi JM,

Thanks for the read--I was thinking of that too....but hoping wiser minds would prevail and say THIS is what you need to do.

I had wondered...if I switch the two opening verses...it would explain him talking...but the reference is more closely connected to his bar at the brawl....Let me think on that...

Like I said, I had started this out as a Beth-As-Blabbermouth piece...and may end up doing a version like that....but in fact, my deceased grandfather WAS a one-eyed carpenter (but he was blind in that eye since birth), and I was playing off of the carpenters rule "measure twice, cut once"...so that's what got me going in this direction.

Also, while I like the humor of the bridge, I think if feels a bit out of place. But I did like that image of with one eye, is the person winking or blinking...Still more to think on...Guess just wanted to get it up on the page to get a better perpendicular look at it up here on the screen.

Thanks again for your help....(and don't forget to come back!! )

Ciao for now,
Beth

Morning BethieBoo,
There weren't any wiser minds around so I'll fill in till some get here.
Yeah, it seems a little "scattered".
A lot of people will be familiar with the quote but probably a lot won't be also.
Like Joice said, it probably needs set up, tied in, better
I'd think maybe the first 2 verses could be reversed also
The lead off line seems difficult to sing
I'll stick in a few ideas

Grandpa was a carpenter with only one eye
Lost the other to a drunk, shooting pool
Tossed his words without care, too late for a prayer
Was the last time he spoke out of school

Grandpa was a carpenter with only one eye
Cloaked in sawdust, he gathered his sons
WORDS ARE LIKE BOARDS,TIME TO THINK IS BEFORE
Always measure THEM twice, then cut once”

There's a song in there all right.
Just needs some tweaking
Wy
(Mud)

Hey Y...

Thanks for the stand-in service. Also, have been doing some behind-the-scenes tweaking, so am going to go back up there and change some things around.

I like your ideas...though hadn't thought about the one-eyed lines being problematic. I'll add that to my to do list...

Thanks, and rhyme with you later,
Boo

G'day again BethieBoo,
Looking pretty good.
I dunno' if some will want to know more about what happened at the bar or not. Seems like it might be nice if a pool cue was worked in somewhere. Like the drunk hit him with a pool cue and grampa procured a plank to even the score. See what some others think
Wy
(Mud)

Hi Beth,

I see you've been hard at work!! (or is this play!?) ha ha

Anyway, I'll give my initial reactions here if it helps....I'm with Wyman...I want to know more about what happened at the bar. That's an interesting story right there where the lesson could be learned from more than Grandpa's stating his words of wisdom. I want to know how it "changed his life forever"..did he want to be a pilot or miss out on some other dreams?

Funny thing....I thought the stick he grabbed in the chorus was a pool stick...but they're not in a bar, right? Sorry...maybe though the setting could be a bar, but then he's cutting wood. Not sure what to suggest, but I do wonder exactly WHY grandpa lost that eye....(it's that curious gene I got going...)

Just some thoughts....good ideas are flowing here...

Kristi

Good evening, Y,

Thanks for coming back...I'm not there yet, but I think I'm heading in the right direction.

Though I know "if you have to explain a song it needs more work"...but I'm just spouting off here, to see if you can be a bit more objective of where things are falling thru the cracks.

First hook didn't work...too removed from the wood business....plus it was a bit of a tongue twister.

THEN, heading back to grandpa...switched up the verses....as we talked about earlier...which sets up right off that he's only got the one eye. I was leaving it sort of vague about what specifically happened (I was thinking I should keep down the gore factor -- I had lines with "words and blood flying everywhere", etc.)...but the take away was he had said the wrong thing to the wrong guy...and lost his eye as a result. Now with only ONE eye, he could see more clearly....

Hence, when he gets older, he wants to tell his sons the lesson he learned that day. But since they've always known him as a carpenter, do you think THEY need to know more about that day? I would think he'd want to spare them his stupidity in the moment, and just showed the end-result.

That's why I like the ending, b/c he gets to go kick the drunk's butt by measuring IT carefully (instead of his words).

I'm actually a little tired, so not sure I'm making sense. I see Kristi has made a similar comment, and I'll ask the same of her.

MAYBE (DEMENTIA KICKING IN NOW)...he was getting ready to play pool with this drunk, but the drunk didn't notice he was short a pool cue...so Grandpa could be saying, "Hey Buddy, I'd play ya, but you haven't got a CUE"....and the drunk, thinking he'd said, "Hey Buddy, I'd play ya, but you haven't got a CLUE"...then the drunk's pal says, "I think he needs to get his eyes examined"...he tosses him HIS cue, then the rest is history. So if you would, could you just throw that into a nice little ABCB verse for me....thanks, honey.

Later!
Beth

Hey Bernice,

I agree with some of the other comments but like the essence of the story. I especially like where you use "too late for a prayer" in the first verse which is in his impulsive youth to the "that is my prayer" in the chorus when he is a wiser old man.

Steve

Hey Kristi and Steve,

Sorry to lump you together, but I'm fading fast...

Thanks to both of you for your comments...this is clearly a work in progress, and it appears I need all the help I can get...

Ciao for now,
Beth

Hi Beth

Lot's of sound advice, and I'm glad to see you take Wy's words of wisdom. Not that this has any bearing on your song, but I was reminded of John Prine's

Grandpa Was A Caepenter

Grandpa wore his suit to dinner
Nearly every day
No particular reason
He just dressed that way
Brown necktie and a matching vest
And both his wingtip shoes
He built a closet on our back porch
And put a penny in a burned out fuse.

Chorus:
Grandpa was a carpenter
He built houses stores and banks
Chain smoked Camel cigarettes
And hammered nails in planks
He was level on the level
And shaved even every door
And voted for Eisenhower
'Cause Lincoln won the war.

Well, he used to sing me "Blood on the Saddle"
And rock me on his knee
And let me listen to radio
Before we got T.V.
Well, he'd drive to church on Sunday
And take me with him too!
Stained glass in every window
Hearing aids in every pew.

Chorus:
Grandpa was a carpenter
He built houses stores and banks
Chain smoked Camel cigarettes
And hammered nails in planks
He was level on the level
And shaved even every door
And voted for Eisenhower
'Cause Lincoln won the war

Now my grandma was a teacher
Went to school in Bowling Green
Traded in a milking cow
For a Singer sewing machine
She called her husband "Mister"
And walked real tall and pride
And used to buy me comic books
After grandpa died.

Chorus:
Grandpa was a carpenter
He built houses stores and banks
Chain smoked Camel cigarettes
And hammered nails in planks
He was level on the level
And shaved even every door
And voted for Eisenhower
'Cause Lincoln won the war

HIDee Jacki-o!

Likeable Lyric..tho does feel like "Grampa Was a Carpenter (With Only One Eye)" is equal-billing, title-wise.

So..perhaps "Grampa was a carpenter, he had one GLASS eye"
on V2 might break up that Clash...&..it makes Gramp a Wee Bit less-grotesque, easier-to-look-at fellah. (K-O-S)

"KUDOS" overall, & ya might pen-in Stage Directions for Singer to WINK at the End of the Piece...

Good Luck with a Good'n' Mz O!

Big Both-Eyed-Hugs today,
Stan

Hello AGAIN, Rittman!

Isn't that funny, I never knew that song. As Stan mentions below, I had toyed with the idea of putting Grandpa in the title...but I think I like the lesson as the message for it.

Still have lots to do on it...and having just posted a new song challenge, not sure I'll be able to tweak it in the immediate future...but I'm getting some good ideas from people.

Thanks for stopping by with this cool song....

Ciao for now,
Beth

Hey Ampersand Man!

Glad to see you (and likewise, I'm sure--said in Curly's Three Stooges voice)........

Also happy you enjoyed this....though I do think there's more work to be done. I might be sidetracked a bit by the song-challenge, but I do want to get it right, since in some ways it's a tribute to my REAL late one-eyed pool-playing carpenter grandfather. :o

BTW, as I mentioned above, I had toyed with the idea of using grandpa in the title, but I felt I wanted to use the lesson as the message, and grandpa as the vehicle.

Thanks for stopping in...your comments are much appreciated!

Cheers,
Mz. O