JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 "Walking Wounded" w/MP3 - New Issue With Bridge - 6/15

[b] [color:#6600CC] EDIT 6/15:

Alas, it has come to my attention that I've inadvertently incorporated an historical inaccuracy in the lyric of "Walking Wounded". In fact, the slogan "Be All That You Can Be" -- which I allude to in the bridge -- was not used until 1981. This of course comes long after the conclusion of the Vietnam War -- the era and conflict around which this songs revolves.

While I stand by my original intent, in some ways, I'm glad for the need to change the bridge as it did cause consternation for some of our JPF veterans. Consequently, I'd appreciate their feedback especially on the following amended version. Please see the change below, highlighted in purple.

Again, thanks WENDY for pointing this out....

Ciao for now,
Beth[/color][/b]

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Hey everybody,

A week or so ago, Steve was sharing one of his lyrics with me. Topically, it reminded me of song I had written back in March, and because we seem to be in sync on a lot of levels, I shared it with him. Luckily for me, Steve was once again inspired by my words to fashion a musical arrangement for them. The link is as follows:

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=9559

Let me just say, before you go to take a listen, Steve did a STELLAR job on this one....truly, I was very moved by his execution. I don't doubt you will be too.

So thank you again, Steve, for bringing my words to life in this magnificent fashion.

Any and all comments welcome....

Beth


"Walking Wounded" -- REVISED 6/15
© 2008 Lyrics Beth Williams, Music and Vocals, Steve Biederman

His gear’s a bag of empty cans
And grime his brand of cammo
He greets a stranger’s outstretched hand
With spit, his secret ammo

Still on patrol, he lurks along
The concrete jungle street
A casualty of plans gone wrong
And Welcome Home deceit

Chorus:
He’d served his country
He’d done his time
But while he was out there some deemed it a crime
No jury of peers
But sentenced to life
No family to miss him, then dumped by his wife

This turn of tide was his reward
Wrapped up in strings of sadness
But feelings he could ill-afford
So draped himself in madness

Chorus2:
He’d served his country
He’d done his time
But while he was out there some deemed it a crime
No jury of peers
But sentenced to life
No family to miss him, then dumped by his wife


Bridge:
No stealthy trip north or college escape
Instead he dodged bullets, a different mistake

At least he had learned
Some tricks to survive
To find hidden treasures to keep him alive
Would like to forget
Some things from before
Like dreams of returning a hero from war.

Tag:
He came and went, a bet unplaced
Going, going, gone, erased




P.S. I also want to note I KNOW I don't use the hook even ONCE in the song :o ..... but I'm cool with it !!!

Enjoy!!
_________________________
"Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches"

Beth - Wow! This is great stuff, very powerful images and theme. Steve did a great job with the music, were those timpanis?

Anyway, I think this is an awesome collaboration and my only TINY nit is that I love the very last line so much I think it should be dragged out a little more, like "Going (beat), going (beat), Gone (beat, beat, beat), erased." Or something like that, KOS!

Good job!

Beth, I'm not sure if you intend this to go beyond the Net but there are a few things you could look at.

first, the diction and grammar...phrases like "and grime his brand of ammo/with spit his secret ammo" are inverted for the sake of very forced rhymes. and what's secret about spit?

"a casualty of welcome home deceit"...what does that mean? I think you're trying to say he was promised he'd be welcomed home but wasn't. being poetic is one thing but bending phrases for the sake of rhyme is another.

again here: "This turn of tide was his reward
Wrapped up in strings of sadness
But feelings he could ill-afford
So draped himself in madness "

the first two lines squeeze by but the next two bear no resemblance to conversational speech at all. again, there's a difference in poetic description and poorly worded lines. "a bet unplaced" is another.

I appreciate the sentiment about a forgotten soldier but check out Born In the USA and compare its language with what you have here. you might tone down the overpowering keyboards, too. again, I agree with the message, just not the execution.

that's if you intend your song to go beyond the Net.

Hi Beth and Steve,

There are a couple of lines that, like Robert said, could be looked again to make them easier to understand. Overall, I like it. There is only one part of the whole song that jammed a little sideways in my gullet, that's the bridge. It makes it sound like it's wrong to be patriotic and serve your country. Being Viet Nam vet, I saw the very best, and the very worst from both sides of the street. Even if I don't agree with what my country is doing at a certain time, I will be a patriot for life. These are my thoughs, KOS. I liked the musical arrangement. I might have even gone more over the top in a couple of place.

Thanks John,

Glad you liked the arrangement but to tell the truth I was just throwing different things at it, keeping some and getting rid of others. The mix wasn't/isn't really ready to be finalized but I put it up on my site for Beth to hear and see what she thought of what I had so far before doing anymore work on it. She liked it as it was and wanted to post it so that's what's on there for now. I was concerned the strings and horns were too repetitive and still think so but like I said, I was just throwing things at my palette. The mix is not the greatest either at this point. One thing that hurts there is that I don't have near field monitors to listen to when I mix and master a production. When I produce something for Internet consumption I do try to mix it so it will sound OK on cheap computer speakers since that's what most of us are listening through but all in all I'm strictly a novice at music production and am no great shakes as a musician either. But you do with what you have and believe me, my set up is pretty primitive. I'm at the stage in my musical life where I just have fun painting with music.

It sure is a lot of fun collaborating with a lyricist as compelling as Beth is. We think alike in many ways which makes it easy.

Anyhow, thanks again for taking the time and effort to listen and comment.

Take care,

Steve

Hi Katie,

Thank you for the visit and the kind remarks. As for whether or not those were timapanis, you'll have to ask the man himself -- I don't know a thing about them exotic fruits !

As for the delay on the ending, again, that will be something Steve can address. As he mentions to John, this was not a 100% finished piece in his mind -- I was the one who said let's post away. I love it as is.

But thank you again for your comments...they're much appreciated.

Ciao for now,
Beth

Robert,

Thank you for taking the time to listen and assess this piece so thoroughly. We'll be sure to keep your comments in mind.

Ciao for now,
Beth

Hey there John,

Thanks for stopping by! I'm glad your musical impression was a good one -- I think Steve did a great job...and it was certainly my enthusiasm which got it posted perhaps sooner than Steve might have wanted. But I think he addressed you on that matter quite well, so whether he wants to tinker any more with it will be up to him.

As for your concern on the bridge, by no means am I saying that it was wrong to be patriotic. Goodness, no. If I offended you in that regard, please accept my apologies. My intent was to convey that this particular person was disillusioned by his war experience...and I was illustrating where the downward spiral began by playing on the words of the motto "Be All You Can Be". As a returning war hero, he expected and received two very different receptions. I think that is a reasonable assessment to make, given history, but if given this explanation, it still smacks of anti-patriotism (?real word?) to you, I'd be interested to know.

As to your other lyrical comments, I appreciate your input.

Thanks again,
Beth

Hi Beth,

The part of this bridge that gets me is the "Patriotic bait". To me, bait is something that is used to lure you into doing something bad that you wouldn't do if you had better sense. It gives me the feel that the country is intentionally misleading young people. That is the reasoning behind my comment. I don't like the reception vets sometimes get on their return from war either. I don't think you were trying to be unpatriotic. I'm not angry, or upset, just letting you know how it hit me. The explanation you give, I understand, but you can't include that when somone is singing or hearing the song. That leaves it open to lots of interpetations, even mine.

Hi again, John,

Just got your PM, and will respond to you there, but thought I'd at least answer you here first...I want to make sure reader's have the most up-to-date info.

First off, thanks for taking the time to revisit this point with me. Obviously, it's a sensitive issue, and I have a better understanding of how the word "bait" can be construed differently by different people. I purposely didn't use the word MISconstrued, because how you read it is how you read it -- regardless of back story -- there's no right or wrong interpretation per se.

I will say though, that my spin on the word was much more innocuous...basically, he was responding to the call to help in the war effort -- and in doing so, he made a patriotic choice.
Additionally, it made a dandy rhyme for FATE in the next line!

Having said that, it appears there are some other areas in the lyric I might want to look at with fresh eyes (this is from March, if you can believe it)...so I appreciate again knowing where you were coming from.

Ciao for now, and stay tuned...
Beth

Beth,

There's a boldness about this lyric that tells a truth about a man's life that didn't turn out how he expected. Lost dreams. Lost love. Lost hope. You capture that. Hence, Walking Wounded. And that is the hardest thing to do in a song, imo. Capturing an emotion. (It's what I strive for anyway). If you can do that, you are successful in your writing I believe.

I think Steve's music is striking, like your message. It's highlighting the strong lyrical message. His music makes us stand up and take notice.

It is a sad story, but it has a strength about it too....just in the title itself. And so it's wonderfully thought-provoking.

Great job guys!

Kristi

Beth and Steve,

This is a powerful piece of writing on both of your parts. I agree with Beth on the fact that the content is so strong that the hook/title is not required as a repetitious element--or even required to make a single appearance--in order for this to work. Particularly with MTV videos providing such info, that is becoming less of an essential, and may be shifting some long held expectations of the role of the repeating hook as an essential element in the lyrics generally.

It is always good to consider the nits before you record a piece, but when you've done that, I hope this is released. I've rubbed shoulders with enough street people--and been one myself voluntarily for three days on one occasion--to find this piece touches me on some deeper levels that much of what I hear and even write. Songwriters and lyricists shape public perceptions. That in turn, shapes public actions and even laws in time.

I read once where someone said, "I don't care who makes a country's laws--if I can write its songs." The person recognized the difference between positional power and influential power. Of the two, over time, influential power is probably the stronger.

Excellent work here. Keep writing.

Skip

Thanks Skip,

Beth wrote a very compelling lyric she shared with me and I started tinkering around with it. I wish I had started again from scratch and produced a better, more comprehensive recording as this was a first rough draft musically apeaking. Beth liked what she heard as is so here it is in all it's nakedness. It's the story that's the important part in this one anyway. The music is just the vehicle.

Thanks,

Steve

Thanks Kristi,

Beth's lyric was a gem in my mind. Here's how it all came down. I sent here a lyric written in 1980 called Old Man In the Park which I have never recorded although it's my wife's favorite song of mine. She had this one which is eerily similar in feel lyrically. I decided to let mine slide for a while and do her's instead. The stories are different but have a similar quality. The music is completely different. We were both stricken with how much in common they were from a spiritual standpoint as she wrote this when I han't been on this board for years and couldn't have seen her's and she wan't around when I wrote "OLD MAN" and never posted it so it was a bit eerie to us both. We seem to be kindred spirits as there have been other, similar cases where one of us says something the other said the same thing essentially to a day or two before to someone else privately. It's kind of freaky. Thanks again. next time I won't post music without it being a finished product either.

Steve

Hey Kristi-Gal,

Wow, when you write a glowing review, it reminds me of the glistening highlights on the hair in those old Breck commercials ( ) ...

But seriously, thank you so much for being so nice -- and specific. I am glad too you enjoyed the music so much. While Steve downplays his role in this, and considers the music the vehicle for the lyrics....I like to compare the collab more to a figure-skating pair. The female skater is like a flower while the man is her stem, if you will...his job is to support her and display her beauty in the best possible way. Without him, she literally goes nowhere. And though I feel the music plays more than a "supporting role" in a song, it is the backbone, and needs to be strong to make it believable.

Sorry to get so artsy-fartsy...but I've thought about that more than once, and glad to have the opportunity to put it out there.

Ciao for now...and thanks again so much for your visit!!

Cheers,
Beth

Hi Skip,

What a treat to have you chime in with such worthy comments on the eve of your departure. Always an interesting anecdote attached to your responses...perhaps that is what I'll miss about you most.

Given your particular history, I'm grateful you found some merit in the message. What happens beyond this board is at best uncertain...but I must reiterate it was my eagerness to share this with everyone which prevented me from letting Steve finish tinkering with it. While I'm quite happy with it in its present form, I'm sorry I've put him in a position to have to explain his choices . In the future, I'll stick to the lyrics.

Regardless, thank you again for your visit Skip. I see you've posted your "last look hook list"....I'm going to copy and past that pronto.

Ciao for now,
Beth

We seem to be kindred spirits as there have been other, similar cases where one of us says something the other said the same thing essentially to a day or two before to someone else privately. It's kind of freaky. -- Steve

He speaks the truth!!

Beth

Hi Beth & Steve

I think I'm on a whole other page, as I found this piece to be too matter of fact, and in some way presented in a generic fashion. I envisioned more of a story song, something about the soldiers civilian life, did he grow up playing with toy soldiers and guns, and how did his war experience differ from his childhood experiences. The whole disrespected soldier bit is pretty old for oldies like me, dating back to vietnam vets being outcasts; I need more meat and potatoes than poetic ways of saying, how badly the aftermath is, there's got to be a before story to make me care..ok eneogh for now...But it's good to be exited about a project and afterall one asswipes opinion shouldn't veer you off course... :):):)

rittmo'

Officially Good Afternoon, Ritt!

First of all, thanks for popping in. Like I said yesterday, it's nice to see you around these parts again...

Anyhoo, I think when you refer to "oldies like you"...you've hit the nail on the head about why this might not have appealed to you. Everyone is certainly going to bring their own experiences/history/"baggage" to the table, and for those of you who had wider involvement with Vietnam and its aftermath, for instance, this might seem like a "been there, done that" sort of tale.

But in truth, this guy actually exists...and I think it's an honest and gritty interpretation of what happened to him. I'm sort of surprised we were unable to rouse any compassion from you.

WELL, I guess that's the price of being an asswipe -- ONLY KIDDING!! As far as that category goes, there is need to start finger pointing :o , "but I know asswipes, sir, and YOU are NO asswipe!" (That is such a funny schoolboy taunt, you really ARE dating yourself!!)

Again thanks for the visit. I'm glad you did pick up on our enthusiasm...

Ciao for now,
Beth

Hei hei Beth

This is a stranger war on many levels, first it's an all volunteer armed forces, and secondly there is seemingly no limit to the amount of active duty terms a soldier must do, even those married with kids. So I think when you have volunteers who turn into mini lifers, there's got to be more of a back story, as so much more time has transpired in the soldiers life. While we're chatting, I wonder if the walking wounded, "Homeless" vet is more the norm, or is it the soldier who returns home and is forced to go on public assisstance, not only was he never a "Hero" but now he's a """""Burden""""" to society...anyway...

rittmo'

Howdy again...

Interestingly (and I meant to mention this to John as well) my sister is a contractor for the Defense Department. She has spent a good part of the past year simultaneously working on documents analyzing the need for resuming the mandatory draft and increasing stimulus packages for soldiers. Obviously the former issue is hugely contraversial...but the second one seems like such a no-brainer...and yet it has been like pulling teeth. And the longer the "battle" continues...the longer the benefits are delayed. Dumb red tape.

Anyway, back to the song. I pretty much figure this guy is a Nam vet (though of course time and tide might have wrought havoc with my age-gauge)....but surely, if I were to broaden the scope the same rules wouldn't necessarily apply.

As to where these men (and undoubtedly women) end up...plenty of room for speculation there. BUT, I bet there are tons of statistics somewhere. Whether they're accurate or not is another question....because how many of these people are capable/interested in "checking in" somewhere?

As a side note, a while back I had posted some info about my 9 year old daughters' Brownie Troop. As part of a Northeast contingency of Brownies and Girl Scouts, they launched a "Treats for the Troops" event...essentially, people could buy cookies for the soldiers. This was a win win win, since the people who generally don't buy b/c they don't want the cookies around were able to help out the military troops as well as our Brownie/girl scouts. And the best part was the girls all got to go to Hanscom Air Force base....to help deliver over 10,000 boxes of cookies. They met with several Base representatives, got to see the cookies being loaded onto the planes, heard a bit about where specifically they'd be going, etc.

It was an incredibly impactful (and successful) event. Especially for the children of this generation, war is the norm (how pathetic is THAT?), and I think it's incredibly important for the youngsters to feel like they are helping the cause in some way too. And at the end of the day, the most precious gift we can give our military is our thanks...

Sorry to go on and on...I should have had Calvin chime in...he'd have answered you in two or three sentences!!

Later gator,
Beth

HIDee Mz Beth & Li'l Stevie!

Very Powerful..but somewhat Dated. 'Nam's been almost 40 years ago..meaning the 18 yr olds who served are 58+ now, most of 'em.

I remember one Bunker-Sharin' Sidekick of mine pretty well: He was a Pot-Smokin' Drug-Lovin' Draftee, workin' Admin Co. as a Clerk-Typist. Military knew of his Pot Habit, put him on "Open Orders" to transfer him out. Got picked up by the Medical Battalion... (& his Barracks-Parties got Even Wilder!)

Anyways, he lived thru it all, Ended His Army "Obligations"...returned Home..to in this case, Idaho. I called him up, some years later. He'd married, had a wife, 2 kids, & had a Normal Job. IF there was ANYONE I'd expect to return a "Basket Case"..it was THIS particular guy. But..if anything, 'Nam tightened his screw up & MADE the guy "Normal".

I HAVE hired 2 Nam-ERA Basketcases off-the-Street & trained them to be Clock Repairers. The first got a Medical Discharge 'cuz he was slightly bonkers to begin-with/was loading bombs up..I think in Japan...never DID get on Vietnamese Soil/experience any Combat, directly. BUT..he's kinda Your Guy in The Song..DID hit the Streets, preachin' for Jesus, eatin' outta dumpsters. BUT..wasn't The War that did this to him...he was Psycho to begin with.

Second one still works for me, lives rent-free in the Pink Place,
WAS painting Trucks with Camo Paint..somewhere in USA..& fumes destroyed part of his brain. Has Tourettes & is Mildly Scitzo..&..doesn't take his VA-Supplied Meds because "they make me tired"... VA won't do a thing MORE for him, he says...&..he's Normal-Enough he got a full-time Security Guard's Job recently. But, for-sure, he's another 'Nam-Era Walking-Wounded.

As for "Erased"...I dunno... MOST of these "Walking Wounded" have returned, blended-in, & ARE passing for "Normal"...whatever that is. The ones who CHOOSE to live in the streets CAN..because it's a free country. BUT..after ALL these Many Years-Since, there aren't MANY left out-there to feel sorry FOR. (& Soon, Most ALL of 'Em can get a Social Security Check...heh!)

The "dream of returning a hero from the war" line rang hollow..most of us just wanted to get BACK. (& get Normal Again!) I HAD a chance to march in Cleveland's "Welcome Back Vets" Parade..held 20 years AFTER the War Ended..& found it REAL easy to skip!

Good Job Guys...but maybe 20-some-years too-late.
Big Consolation Hugs,
Ol' Stan

STAN!

I was wondering when you were going to chime in ....

First off, no apologies to be made (consolation hugs)....you know how highly I think of you, and I was curious to hear at the very least, what Stan-as-Nam-Vet thought of this.

It has been very interesting for me to read the different responses the song has elicited. And there does seem to be a dichotomy between those who have served and those who haven't (at least in this small "focus group" we've gathered here)....and I find that especially intriguing -- perhaps misconceptions persist to this day....

Still, I guess what's hard for me to reconcile is your comment about it being dated. This guy -- the real inspiration for the song -- is walking around today. And I've seen "him" in other towns too. Ultimately, I'm merely speculating on this one man....I didn't intend for him to necessarily speak for his entire -- or a more recent -- generation.

I can't imagine there weren't at least some folks who were a bit disappointed on the reception they received, though. Of course, your point is well taken here -- that was AFTER the fact...first and foremost, you just wanted to MAKE it home . So a belated Bien Venue, Monsieur!

I must confess, I got a bit misty reading your stories about your cohorts -- especially the two men you took in. It would have been very easy to turn a blind eye to these people...but obviously you've got too big a heart for that. Plus, I like the idea of having them there with you...that's just good karma, plain and simple.

SOOOO, thank you much-ly for taking time to digest this and give us your heartfelt comments. They're appreciated more than you know.

Ciao for now, Ampersand Man!
xoxo, Jackie

BUMP!

PLEASE SEE TOP OF THREAD FOR BREAKING NEWS ON THE BRIDGE!!

THANKS,
BETH

Beth,

Remind me to never write anything that has to do with history! LOL (too much work!)

The bridge looks good to me!

Kristi

Hi Kristi,

You are funny. But history is very easy when you just make up all the facts!!!

Glad you liked this long and winding road.....

Ciao for now,
Beth

Well Bernice,
It seems that after a slow start this one has taken on a life of it's own. Good for you.

Steve

Hey Lej,

Must be the music...

Hope you had a good weekend!

Bernice

Hi Beth,

How about "A much different fate", or "Accepted his fate"? It is getting better, I like this better than the last.

OH JOHN,

I'm so happy you came by to give this another chance...and also happy you like the different direction.

I'll surely keep those ideas in mind....I think the reason I liked "mistake" -- which I'm suspect is what's gnawing at you -- is that in some ways, both those who went to war, and those who dodged the draft, got a bum rap. Again, the expectation that he was doing the right thing...and looked what happened to him when he came home...

So I guess that's where I'm coming from.

Curious...and this is quite a loaded question, -- but what sort of interactions took place post-war between those who served and those who dodged the draft? I know there are probably thousands of pages that could be written about this...but it seems I don't recall ever hearing much about that (I was young at the time, but even later, in school and such).

Anyway, don't want to put you on the spot, so feel free say just that....I'm just wondering if there was outright animosity, or respect for individual choices, or more likely, some combination thereof.

Thanks so much for the return visit John. It means a lot to me!

Ciao for now,
Beth

Hi Beth,

What went on after the war was a bit like what happened during the war. Some of the people who avoided the draft, through various ways, stayed quiet. some continued to call serviceman and women baby killing phsychotics. The quiet ones. never had any troble from the vets. The others.... "Well"... While I veiw that war in a different light through the rear view mirror, I still don't think my going there was a Mistake, just a choice I wouldn't make again. All our choices led us in the direction that took us to where we are now. I like where I am now. Good luck with this one.

Good morning, John,

Thank you so much for your candor. I think it's such a sad chapter in our nation's history...and the echoes can still be heard these many decades later.

Nevertheless, I look now at your avatar, and I see a walkin', talkin', smilin', dancin' testimony to your resilience.

Glad to have you with us...likely older and wiser.

Thanks again for the re-visit,
Beth