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Hi folks,
This is one I am working on about making a fool of myself over a girl I had a crush on. I would appreciate any comments or suggestions. The vocals are pretty weak on this. The asthma is getting to me today but thought I would go ahead and post for suggestions and comments before re-doing. Thanks

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=642220&content=music

©2008 All Rights Reserved
Stephen Bills

She Barely Knew My Name

Back when I was just sixteen.
Still remember this girl I seen.
Longest hair, southern charm and that copper tone tan.

She's the new girl in school.
Florida girl, man aint she cool.
All the boys stumblin' on themselves like she's a rocker in a band.

The things you do when you think you've found your true love.
You swear you'd give her the world but it still wouldn't be enough.

You'd climb the highest mountain.
Swim the deep blue sea.
And you'll love her for eternity.
Cross the desert sands.
Grab a star with your two hands.
And hand it to her proudly for the world to see.
So in love but you know it's such a shame.
That she barely knows your name.
I only have this foolish heart I have to blame.
'Cause she barely knew my name

Swore I'd never fall again.
Like I did way back then.
My broken heart left to grieve a love I never had

But I knew there'd come a day.
I'd love again. Come what may.
Meet the girl to be my bride and steal her heart away.

But it's so hard to step out on that limb again.
Pick up my shattered pride and throw it to the wind.

And tell her..
You'd climb the highest mountain.
Swim the deep blue sea.
And you'll love her for eternity.
Cross the desert sands.
Grab a star with your two hands.
And hand it to her proudly for the world to see.
I still recall the heartache and the pain.
Though it was just my foolish heart to blame.
She barely knew my name.

Hey Stephen

Believe me, I know the feeling.... Been there.

This verse is a tad awkward:

She's the new girl in school.
Florida girl, man aint she cool.
All the boys stumblin' on themselves like she's a rocker in a band.

You go to the present tense "She IS the new girl..." and you use "girl" in the next line too.

Maybe something like
"As the new girl in school
Florida bread and oh so cool"

And "the boys stumbling on themselves..." line could maybe be like something other than a "rocker in a band".

"All the boys stumbled on themselves like clumsy cads"

Not that I suggest those words, but I think "like she's a rocker in a band" isn't the best analogy for guys that are hot over a girl. And I put it in the past tense to.

Otherwise I like the melody and the story and the sentiment.

Tech notes:
• I suggest turning your vocal mic input down a bit. You've got some harsh distortion happening. Don't be afraid to record low - you can always turn it up later.
• Sounds like a line-in on the acoustic. I suggest getting a less harsh EQ setting or recording with one mic pointed where the body meets the neck, and aimed a little toward the sound hole.

• Of course record everything as flat as possible then use EQ in the mix.

• Try using a compressor on every track, but mainly the vocal. This will keep your levels more consistent so when you hit a high note you don't blow out the mix.

I know this is just a test recording. Just watch that distortion in the vocal. You have a cool sounding voice, and it's a shame to cover it up with distortion.

Great Song man!

Chad

great first draft..good feel throughout and the guitar licks just keep it moving..all of Chad's recording tips are great..and i agree that you need to scrub the lyrics to get your tenses consistent..i like the way you extend the chorus on the last three lines and vary the lines on the second chorus..keeps it real fresh

..ant

Hey Chad,
Thanks alot for checking this out. I see what your talking about with switchng from past to present tense. I wrote this as I would probable speak it. (Poor Grammer) She's meaning "She Is" or "She was" but your right I have to watch that. Appreciate the suggestions. especialy the recording tips. Thanks! Steve

Hi Ant,
I just got a little frustrated with this and went ahead and posted. It always helps to get another perspective. I think I can clean this up alot. I'll try to rework the lyrics. Thanks for checking it out and your suggestions. steve

Stephen,

Great voice and guitar on your new tune! I agree with the recording tips - there is some distortion from clipping. I still have some problems with that occasionally and it can take me awhile to get the volume right. I tend to record low and then normalize to a higher volume. You have real good song here and barrel of talent!

Clint

Hey Clint,
Thanks a lot for the comments. I'll work on this one some more. Im sure I can clean the playing up some. Thanks again and take care! Steve

Hi Stephen.

Like your song very much - just love that chorus - great work!

Lyric ideas, I would add a color on the hair - long auburn hair or long blond hair on some other descriptive phrase. I'd find two new lines where you have "So in love but you know it's such a shame - that she barely knows your name" and save the hook line for the last line in the first chorus. That's it. best of luck with this one.

Pete

Hi Pete.
Thanks for checking out this song. Appreciate your thoughts. I plan to get back to this one next weekend. Try to clean up the lyrics and recording some. Take care! Steve

Hi Stephen, Nice to meet you! I'm not sure I've listened to your work before. I've been away for a few months (been sick - bleh!)

I'm not a country listener, but I can tell you have that authentic voice for it, and you sound great. I like this song a lot. I think it could do with some editing though, in structure and lyric, plus basic tightening of the lines. First off though - I *liked* the "rocker in a band" line, and although I'm a freelance editor, I wasn't put off by your tense switch up there. It felt very conversational to me. Your POV switch from "you" to "my" needs a bit of tweaking though.

I love the "barely knew my name" hook and the reminiscing. Who hasn't done this? And so - I would play up (when you're singing) the humor in that hook. You know now you were silly. Man, those were the days. Get that tone in there - I know you can do it, from what I'm hearing already. (Asthma? Man! Make sure I hear you on a good day!)

At 3:40 you're sitting just right on length, but if you'll watch me (below) you could do more with less lyrically, and toss in an instrumental/lead break if you want one.

Man! I just went & played with another lyric tonight too, and I usually don't do this. You guys are putting out some good stuff today. Which means I wanna play around with it. LOL. Well, here I go again.

She Barely Knew My Name

[verse] Back when I was just sixteen.
Still remember this girl I seen.
Longest hair, southern charm and that copper tone tan.

[climb] The things you do when you think you've found your true love.
You'd give her the world but it wouldn't be enough. [deleted a few words there]
You know you'd -

[chorus]Climb the highest mountain.
Swim the deep blue sea.
And you'll love her for eternity.

So in love but it's such a shame.
That she barely knows your name.
Only have your foolish heart to blame.
'Cause she barely knows your name
She barely knows your name.

[verse]She was the new girl in school.
Florida girl, man she was cool.
All the boys stumbl[ed] on themselves like she's a rocker in a band.

[climb] Don't know what I was thinking when.... then she said, "let's just be friends?"
Picked up my shattered pride and threw it to the wind.
But I would have -

Crossed the desert sands.
Grabbed a star with my own two hands.
Handed it to her for the world to see.

So in love but it's such a shame.
That she barely knew my name.
Only had my foolish heart to blame.
'Cause she barely knew my name,
She barely knew my name.
=====================================

OK. See, what this does is, it keeps the story tight. JUST the one memory, this girl you're taking us back in time to, and the silly things you would've done for someone you barely knew. We don't need to know about who you eventually married, and all that. It's trying to do too much.

Simplify - and when you re-record, I'll betcha it'll sing easier and you'll like it more.

I hope you don't mind my tweaking. Good luck with this one, it's fun, and hey if you got ME (die-hard classic rock fan) to listen all the way through a good ol' country song, you're doin' something right!!

Looking forward to more - remember you have a great voice there.

Linda

PS: This is one solid example of where using cliche's in your chorus WORKS - and works RIGHT. People *do* use all those phrases when they're ga-ga like this - so it works to build the humor already present. When singing - I would record it so it sounds like, yes, you know it's been said before. Good luck!

Hi Linda,
Sorry you have been under the weather. Thanks for checking out this song and for the kind comments. I appreciate the suggestions you made and will give it a try when time allows. I definately don't mind the suggestions. Thanks alot! Steve

Hey Stephen

Nice song

Cheers

Hey Stephen, nice one, I like your voice.

Noel & Louis: Thanks alot for checking this one out and nice comments! Take Care

Hi Stephen:

I agree with a lot of the comments here. It's a nice tune, has a great vibe, and your voice is perfect for it.

Lyrically, I agree with Linda. The rocker line works for me as is - the reason is that the first verse sets the second one up like a daydream. He IS back there again.

I also agree with her on the story line - I think it would be more solid if you had a single story line - especially for this genre.

Just an average joe opinion - was a very nice listen!

Scott

Hey Brother,
Very nice! Nice flow and arrangement. You got the juice. Vocal stylings sit just fine. Laid back works on this. Just tell your story.
Michael

Hey Scott: Thanks for the comments. I'm not sure about the rocker in the band part. I'm going to play around with this some over the weekend. I'll try out the suggestions offered here. Really appreciate your input. Thanks. Steve

Michael: Thanks for the nice compliments. Appreciate the feedback. I got to check out a couple of your songs. Nice stuff! Take Care. Steve

Hi Stephen,

You still have the same great voice and style. Real quick on the asthma, two things that most definintely help and are natural, are green apples and weight lifting and lots of both!!

On the song...very nice. Two things. I think your Chorus goes too long and it would be better if you shortened it a bit. I wanted to take off the last 4 lines of it but I see that is where your hook is.

You Have:

You'd climb the highest mountain.
Swim the deep blue sea.
And you'll love her for eternity.
Cross the desert sands.
Grab a star with your two hands.
And hand it to her proudly for the world to see.
So in love but you know it's such a shame.
That she barely knows your name.
I only have this foolish heart I have to blame.
'Cause she barely knew my name

How about:

You'd climb the highest mountain.
Swim the deep blue sea.
And you'll love her for eternity.
Cross the desert sands.
Grab a star with your two hands.
And hand it to her proudly for the world to see.

or this:

You'd climb the highest mountain.
Swim the deep blue sea.
And you'll love her for eternity.
Cross the desert sands.
Grab a star with your two hands.
And hand it to her proudly for the world to see.
I only have this foolish heart I have to blame.
'Cause she barely knew my name

(here is just removed two lines at the end part but kept your hook in tact)

Also while I love rhymes I think you need just one less rhyme to be consistent and to make it sound less rhymy if you will.

At this part:

But I knew there'd come a day.
I'd love again. Come what may.
Meet the girl to be my bride and steal her heart away.

I would leave the third line not rhyming with the first two because you don't rhyme all 3 lines anywhere else in your song and it doesn't need to rhyme there anyway. It's almost good to have a non-rhyming break there.

Best,
Lynn
Did you ever think of posting your original version of "She's The One" on your Soundclick in addition to the revised version. Both are good it's just there was something about that original version that I favored. I hope you are pitching that song!!!

Hi Lynn, Thanks for the suggestions. I think I will remove the last 2 lines on the chorus. At least on the first chorus. The rhyming section you mention got my attention too. I'm goin to set down and re-work this one sometime. Thanks again for the suggestions. Take Care! Steve