JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum Angel Of Mercy

The ink still wet on this one. Maybe the key's too low/high?

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/songInfo.cfm?bandID=100639&songID=5904482

Cool idea - nice story. Key sounded fine to me. Wonder if "angel next to me" would sing better than "angel beside me". Is a small thing....

Scott

Hi Louis,
Do you have the lyrics typed up anywhere?
I kinda agree with Scott on "next to" singing a little easier.
Cute romance. Kinda nice!
I sort of wanted the guitar to change up a little on the chorus. That would be cool. A little more bounce, maybe?

I liked it. Thanks for sharing.
The key sounds fine to me.

Linda

Thanks Scott, Linda.. ok next to me it'll be. Linda the lyrics are on that link page.

You are a good story writer. You didn't write many words, but the message comes through nicely. Well done.

Thanks Kevin, I'm thinking about dropping the key, then walking up an octave in the chorus...

Very cool indeed!! I really enjoyed this and I love that chorus, some great lines in it.

and though her halo's hidden most the time
and her wings are never ever seen by anyone but me
this little angel of mercy of mine

Thanks Brenda, I just had an epiphany about this song, the 3rd and 4th verse, should be a bridge, so gotta rework it.

Louis, just wanted you to know that you are developing steady as a songwriter- constantly improving. The hook on this is sterling- the words and the melody you chose for it. I have a couple of suggestions. I think the key is fine but there are a couple of places where I thought the last word of the line should have got down instead of up in pitch. I can be more specific if you are interested. And there is one rhyme missing that I think is very important that you nail. I think you need to find a good rhyme for the word "Uniform" One of the things that rhyming accomplishes is that it "flags" important parts of the lyric. In this case, when you disclose that the angel of mercy is acutally a nurse in uniform, rhyming with that word will make a big difference.

When I got out of Viet Nam and was stationed in Fort Lewis recovering from burns, I fell in love with a nurse who gave me physical therapy every day for about 2 weeks. Angel of Mercy is a good description because when you return from a hellish place and then you become acquainted with the tranquillity of a hospital and the personal concern of a real caring person, the contrast will make you remember it forever. No, I didn't marry her or for that matter ever see her again after my treatment, but I remember her- my own person Angel of Mercy.

Some words that rhyme with uniform (if accented the same way): storm, warm, perform, reform, transform (from http://www.rhymezone.com/r/rhyme.cgi?Word=storm&typeofrhyme=perfect&org1=syl&org2=l

Hey thanks Samuel, Kevin.. I just sit here during lunch and rewrote the whole thing, I'll try to re-record it tonight.. I think you'll gonna like it I'll keep the uniform thing in mind.

Louis..beautiful title ! got my attention right away ..your melody is so pretty ..and your singing is so pleasant..nicely done ..I like the story ..and I agree with Scott on the "angel beside me " ..good suggestion I believe ..pretty song Louis !

Louis, you may know this already. Dire Straits, Steve Winwood and Johnny Lange all have songs with that title but none of their songs have strong lyrics. I think yours are better than any of them.

Louis, you may know this already. Dire Straits, Steve Winwood and Johnny Lange all have songs with that title but none of their songs have strong lyrics. I think yours are better than any of them.

Joe, you can say that again. I think this is special, Louis. Very poignant.

Hey thanks Heather
Samuel, no I didn't realize all those guys did one too, appreciate the compliment.
Tricia

Hey I went back and re-recorded it tonight, fleshed the story out a little more.. I had changed the key real low, so I could go up high in the chorus, but I couldn't hit the high notes at the end.. so switched gears again.. Anyway appreciate any feedback on this version.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/songInfo.cfm?bandID=100639&songID=5904482

Sounds like a keeper, Louis.

Thanks Tricia

This can still be better. I think it lost its "shape" a little bit in the second write. Here are a couple of suggestions in the first two verse:

Well I spent 5 months on my back
after I left Iraq
just staring at the ceilings of walter reed
I drifted in and out of sleep
trying to believe
that I could still be loved and not just pitied

I heard a doctor say I was gone
another say I wouldn't last too long
That I'd never make it through THIS desert storm
but what they couldn't see
was the angel watching over me
all he saw was a nurse in uniform

And when I got the lyrics in front of me, I thought it would be interesting if instead of him marrying her, she gets shipped back to Iraq and gets killed. Now isn't that romantic! I wanted somehow to see her become and angel or perhaps she never existed at all. She was there to get him through the ordeal- something along those lines. a little twist.

Louis, I really liked this. Melody was great and so was the delivery.

For me though, I was surprised when it turned from a "survival" song to a "love" song. Up until the second "for awhile it was touch and go" line, this seemed all about surviving and about the compassion and care of the nurse to help the hero "make it thru the night to see the day".

But when I heard the line "At first she told me no" it was a bit jarring. I thought: is she saying 'no you won't survive'? Then it became apparent later it was a love song as she was playing hard to get.

This is just my opinion, but I felt it was stronger as a survivor/compassion song, and not a love song. There's lots of love songs, but not enough songs about nurses, who really are angels on earth.

Another great song Louis. You've got a wonderfully creative imagination and ability to write on just about anything it seems. This one grabbed my attention from the beginning listening to hear how the story developed through the end. The same with the one about your mom's table! Keep up the good work. Sounds like you're still working on this one. Look forward to hearing any updates.

All the best,

Kevin

Samuel, you want me to kill the nurse off? lol.. actually I thought about that. I dunno though, seems pretty drastic, lol.

Ant, thanks, yeah switching to the love thing would have been the twist in the song..

Thanks Kevin, yeah looks like I'll have to think about this one some more..

Is the melody working ok for everybody?

Louis, this a heartfelt story, well chosen words that convey the story from that guys view very well. Keep doing your thing Louis...I'm still looking forward to meeting you and sitting down to write that song someday...Moker

Hi Louis

This is another very good write. Again. I like the simplicty of your guitar and vocal delivery....

here are a couple of sugs if you keep the story line the same... kos

for awhile it was touch and go
the doctor said he didn't know
if I'd make it thru the night to see the SUN

but what he couldn't see
was the angel next to me
all he saw was a nurse in uniform

--------------------------------------
for awhile it was touch and go
at first she told me no
but I just kept on asking anyway

I said honey can't you see
that we were meant to be
she would smile and go ABOUT HER DAY

Sheez, I miss one day on here and you have already gone through 2 versions of a new song. I just can't keep up . Another beauty, Louis and a great story.

Clint

hey Clint, funny you should mention that... I just uploaded another new version with a surprise ending.. different from the last one

Thanks Moker, Joyce, appreciate you listening, sorry I changed it again.. I really like the surprise ending, got it from Samuel.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/songInfo.cfm?bandID=100639&songID=5904482

Help...is this new ending working ok for everybody?
Is this one worth spending coin on it?



http://www.soundclick.com/bands/songInfo.cfm?bandID=100639&songID=5904482

Louis, I think it puts the song in a whole new league. That she never worked there, WOW...I think this needs a pro demo, guitar /vocal or piano /vocal. I would give production notes for the singer to SING it, especially at the chorus. No offense but you are too soft spoken to do this lyric justice, it needs to be sung with volume from a pro singer, and I'm not suggesting you don't do a good job, I just think this could be a lot more powerful with the right vocalist...JMO...Moker

Thanks Moker, Samuel gave me the idea, it was either that or kill her off,lol.. Appreciate your suggestion about another singer.

Louis, now that's what I talking about! That was a good way to add the twist and I think there is emotional truth it it. When a soldier is critically hurt he is sometimes clinging to life by a memory or a hope or maybe even an angel.

You do have a plot conflict if you go this direction and it is with this line: "all he (the doctor) saw was a nurse in uniform" so that would tend to have established a "real" nurse but I think it is not a big deal. It is something that you can pick at and try to solve if you want to, like trying to get that last number in the Sudoku square, but I wouldn't worry about it.

When you got to the twist, I was "hearing" a more dramatic bridge. You did vary the melody to indicate the coming shift but I thought it could have been stronger. I think you have someting commercial in the making here so keep at it. Isn't it interesting that even when you think you have someting working, there is often more room to improve it. And maybe that is why it is said that works of art are.. "never completed, just abandoned". I think you have a ways to go but this is working nicely and you bave put structure in your music and is is getting it's "shape" back.

Thanks Samuel. I think if I sang "All he said he saw was a nurse in uniform" that might resolve the conflict. I agree needs a little more umpf or something on the 1st part of the bridge. I'm even thinking about going a little higher at the 1st part of the chorus. I'll keep working it, appreciate your help, it's been very enlightening.

Ok how do you get all these cool stories?Nashville aint heard there is a great songwriter down in dixie

Thanks Michael, your too kind

Hi Louis

I came back and wanted to say that I like the twist you have come up with here. Nice job

jm

hey thanks Joyce, yep she's a ghost now.

Well, I took the day off just so I could work on this song. lol.. naw, I was off anyway. I picked up the tempo two clicks, changed the melody a little in the bridge and the chorus... Sure hope I'm done now..

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/songInfo.cfm?bandID=100639&songID=5904482

Wow, Louis. Fantastic ending. I like your vocal and soft music. But I think you have it ready for any singer and any instrumental.

Thanks Marlene, don't know which singer though?