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The graven Window


Lost in mindless anticipation
Longing for a brief reprieve
I stare into a graven window
Seeing what I don’t believe

Reflections of past transgressions
Images idly wandering by
Blank stares at the graven window
Polished so I can see inside

Cursing and misunderstandings
Fleeting moments of painful views
Boldly cut upon the graven window
With lines and scars that shine anew

Fearful misgivings tainted truths
Pierce the darkness like a knife
The graven windows cold reminder
You’re stuck with this for life

Wasted moments worried nights
Longing for a brand new start
The graven window holds the key
The graven window is my heart

Copyright September 28, 2007 Derek Hines All Rights Reserved

Hey, pretty nice style, though I'm not connecting with some of your images.
"Mindless anticipation" seems contradictory. If one is truly anticipating something,
their thoughts are focused.

If this "Images IDLY wandering by," why are they "fleeting moments of painful
views?" Seems "fleeting" & "idly" are contradictory.

"Polished so I can see inside?" I've never polished a window,
but I'm pretty sure it would make a blurry mess to try and look through.

"The graven windows cold reminder
You’re stuck with this for life"...maybe I'M stuck this way.....




Reflections of past transgressions, Cursing and misunderstandings, painful views,
Fearful misgivings tainted truths, Wasted moments worried nights...with this much
grief, it's hard to imagine him searching for a respite by taking a closer look at all this.
More likely he'd write a suicide note!

Ben

I had quite the post defending this poem then I read one of yours. Now my only answer to you is this.

"WHY IS A LEMON"
Otherwise thanks for the praise on the style lol
Sincerely
Derek

Derek-

It's because of responses like Ben's that made me hestitant towards posting my work. I've always written for me, it was a way to release emotions in a healthy way rather than let them eat me up. No offense to you Ben, this forum's purpose is for feedback, and to let others enjoy what you have to say. But to some degree it bothers me that there are those that would critisize a piece solely because they don't understand the imagery, don't agree with the choice of wording, or simply would have done it differently. Is the point of poetry not to freely express one's self without worrying if they're doing it right or not?

Anyways, Derek, I thought this was a beautiful work. Just your choice of words colors the poem so it's understandably morose and meloncholy. I liked it. Keep it up.

BTW Ben- If you're not connecting with some of the images, it's because they're not yours. Just my .02.

You're right iron maiden. They aren't mine. So what is the point of making any comment aside from the "Very nice work" standard. The end. I wasn't trying to be cruel. I simply pointed out those things that didn't sit right with me, which is what I thought was the REAL purpose of a critique, not mere lip service. One can't improve without feedback, even if it isn't all Hip-hip HOORAY!!!

And Derek, there is a GRAVE difference between my light-hearted hyperbolic piece (which contains a humorous disclaimer, by the way) and one that comes across as a seriously morose work with images that don't seem to mesh, IN MY OPINION. Terribly sorry, but MY opinion is the only one I have to offer./ Capiche?

By the way Iron Maiden, it strikes me as an ego trip for someone to say
"It's because of responses like Ben's that made me hestitant towards posting my work."
If one only posts to hear accolades for their pieces, what's the point? Write to your heart's content, without fear of a critical word, since the true purpose is for, as you say....

"I've always written for me, it was a way to release emotions in a healthy way rather than let them eat me up."

If that seems harsh, so be it. I would gladly explain my work, defend my work, OR agree with someone if they found some faulty reasoning/wording, et al in something I wrote. The LAST thing I would do is go off half-cocked. Most of us have far more important things to do than spend time offering opinions, but trust me, I won't be on either of yours in the future.

Ben

Well, obviously you took what I said to heart and I didn't mean to offend you as I obviously did. To be honest, I felt like you went above and beyond to dissect his work. There's constructive critism, and there's being rude. I felt that you were the latter. That doesn't mean I'm attacking you as a person, by all means say what you wish. And by me pointing out that I fear posting my work for fear of getting feedback like that, who wants to hear that someone didn't like their work? I know it's unrealistic to find a fan in every reader, but that doesn't make wishing it not to happen wrong. That doesn't mean ego trip, it means being human. I can take constructive critism, but ending with the thought of "Well dude, rather than write this, why didn't you just write a suicide note?" Nice. That's not critism, that's insult. I apologize for offending you. And quite honestly if you always word your responses for work that you don't "agree with" this way, I really don't mind that you don't offer your opinion on my work in the future.

So, as once said by someone, "My opinion is the only one I have to offer. Capiche?"

First off, I don't consider the piece and the writer as one and the same . MAJOR distinction!! The faulty reflections by the fictional character depicted herein is what I was referring to. If he's being introspective INTENTIONALLY and coming up with nothing but these contradictory "graven images," then I would think a person that befuddled, clueless, full of self pity and regret, that he would indeed be more inclined to consider a way out.

If you take each and every crit as a personal affront (as though it were an indictment of YOU), then you haven't a prayer of being a successful writer, though you've already indicated you write only for yourself, but DO like others to see your private thoughts.

It's ludicrous to say I don't AGREE with this piece. What's to agree or DISagree with?? I simply pointed out images that I STILL say are in dissonance with each other. Sorry.

Hello guys, first of all Derek, I get it and understand it fully. Have lived it and beyond. Second, this forum is for critique not personal. It is important to be able to look at those things seperately. I too write as a release, but know that by putting myself out there, I want honest feedback and respect opinions. I think Derek and kim are skilled writers and have a lot to offer. don't let the technical feedback distort things. Take it for what this community has to offer. That is it.. much love and peace, anne

Ah hell, I'm here to write, not dance. Ben, why don't we just agree to disagree on this one and call a truce. I'm going to get dizzy going in meaningless circles with you. That's not meant to be offensive, it's just the truth. There's nothing to gain or lose with this debate. Derek, liked your poem. Ben, you and I are very strongly opinionated individuals that will probably butt heads again at one time or another. My hand is out to shake yours in an agreement to drop it and respect one another as worthy adversaries. One cannot be condemned for their opinion, nor for standing up for it (and I say that in reference to both of us). Anne, love and peace chika.

Derek liked my poem? News to me. Ya'll must be off-site buds.

I don't have time for this, hell, I barely have time to write lately. The thing that gets me, no offense, is that nothing I actually said was addressed in any way, shape, matter or form, as if it was pure sour grapes. I have much better things to do than jump someone I don't even know just to rattle their cage. You know, I have been around these boards a weeeee bit more than you guys, but you won't find me whining about crits, deciding to bump my own stuff with questions of, What the.....???? I have one post here (from months ago)that got absolutely ZERO responses. I did take it down, but only AFTER a full month. Some folks get po'ed if their stuff hasn't been properly attended in a DAY. So, air ya go.

Anne, sure, I understand what he's trying to say, and one could go on all day about self expression, but I feel that words mean things. Therefore, if images don't ring true, they might oughta be addressed, as opposed to taking umbrage with the person who gives an honest opinion. It is so easy to impress most people (non-writers), that we sometimes think if we throw together a bunch of 50 cent poetic words, we got a humdinger. I know, because I've been there. But to progress, those words need to stand up under close scrutiny. I would (NOW, not 2 years ago, when my ego took some bruising) MUCH rather hear the honest truth (ALL opinion, of course)of my drivel, rather than a bunch of yahoos. Otherwise...two years from now, I'm probably in the same place.

And I don't care what ANYONE says, polishing a window pane will blur it!

BTW, Derek, I was heading out the door when I wrote that this morning. There were other things I liked as well, esp the ending. If I could type without looking at the keys, I would write more, including WRITING MORE poems/songs. I could have done that in the time it has taken me to write all I have here. So, I'm signing off. Good luck in your endeavors.

Ben

Ben

My attempt at levity failed ok let's try this again.

I was trying to point out that your poem (I did like it by the way) Was full of images that didn't quite fit into reality. I know that was your intention. That said I was trying to get you see that free expression does makes sense in the same way that impressionistic art does. It's more about emotions than substance. That said I did make a conscience effort to maintain some sense of logic since it was a serious piece.

Consider this
Words have different definitions depending on how they are applied. Polishing metal and glass in the same way would leave smears. However another definition of polish is to clean up. By the definition of cleaning up a window wouldn't one see through it clearly?

Also
Your point about images moving idly by and also fleeting (or rushing by). Take a moment and imagine if you will a blustery day. There are elements of ebb an flow. The wind blows hard rattling the windows. Then slows down consdirably barely shaking the trees. Ocean waves give a similar pattern.

And
Your point about mindless anticipation. I can see how you could see this as being a contradiction however examine it closer. When one is anticipating something they are focused. Though again this goes back to different definitions. Mindless can also be considered not being mindfull. And one isn't mindfull when they are focused. Focused by defintion implies narrow closed. So there is a certain mindlessness to be focused ie ancticipation.

Now I am not sure of your point on the lines

The graven windows cold reminder
You’re stuck with this for life

Though by your comment it seems you imply thst it should be the person taking responsibility. This could be considered true except for a simple fact. The response is coming from the graven Window. The graven window is his heart. So this is an internal dialogue.

Onto your thoughts about the general theme.

I could see how taking those few phrases out of context could make this perons look rather depressed. However these emotions may not have even all been felt in the same moment. There may have been times inbetween where it wasn't that bad. However the culmination of all of it is rather depressing. So again this one is open to interpretation.

I understand that these are the feelings you are left with after reading this poem. I need you to understand that there are those who will be left with a different impression than you were. I am pleased that you did comment. I wasn't at all angry with you for doing so. I just didn't want to have to do what I am now doing and address all your points verbatim.

So I decided to try at some levity by bringing up a post of your's I even put an lol after my comments hopeing you would see I wasm't truly all that offended. apperantly it didn't work. Sorry Ben didn't mean for you to get so worked up about it. Hope we can still be comrades if not friends?

Take care
Derek

Hi Anne

I am glad you did get it. I think some will and some won't an really that's fine with me. I think all forms of art are open to interpretation. That said I can't honestly accept them all as true critiques. As what I'm presenting are emotions not just ideas. Thanks ever so much for your feeback.
Sincerely
Derek

Hi Kim

Thanks for your kind praise. I really enjoyed writing this one. Truly I am honored Ben was willing to throw in his two cents as well. As I said on my post to Anne it's all open to interpretation and obviously not all will see it the same. Thanks for your kind visit an praise!
Sincerely
Derek

Hi Derek,

Just want to encourage you with something Harriet Shock encouraged us with during her time here on the mentor forum. Realize who your audience is and isn't. If someone posts a critique that you strongly disagree with---I think it's safe to assume they were not your intended audience. Even, when receiving well intentioned constructive critiques, a writer is free to disagree. I think your "lemon" response was brilliant. It's a great way to agree to disagree. Classy post.

Vanessa

<edited> last I heard it's still a free country with freedom of speech. Critiques just like artistic contributions here are fair game for 'review'.

Yeah, genuinely brilliant, Derek. Of course, it's up to you which crits you like. But don't forget, anytime someone doesn't validate what you wrote, they weren't the ones you wanted to read it. I vividly recall Harriet using those very words.

Is it a bit odd that someone says absolutely zip, zero, nada about your ACTUAL post, but dwells on responses to said post? Kinda how I felt about no comment originally to my offerings, which you later attended to. And I'll concur with you, polished can simply mean cleaned, etc. And "mindless anticipation" well, heck, I googled that just now and there isn't much there, but I'm certain u r correct.

Hi Derek,

I just wanted to let you know that I don't offer up critiques on this forum. For me this was a place to write without pressure to conform to anyone's rules. Now I see that Brian and others have aspired for this forum to become more than that. So, I'll probably stop posting my own works in honor of his intentions here. When this forum first started there was no moderator or guidelines. So, I took the liberty to simply share.

I knew you would understand me having no comments about your actual post. I'm in no position to critique it since I have no background education in doing such as that.

biCash,
Vanessa

Hi Vanessa

That's fine! Hope things are going well for you. I understand your feelings on not posting here. I think I will continue though I may have to develop a thicker skin. At any rate thanks for the visit!
BICABH
Derek

sorry for my delayed response here. this forum is for the sharing of any type of creative writing without fear. there are no guidelines or rules. if you dont want feedback on your writing just include that in your subject line when you post (just sharing-no feedback please). i have noticed that some people may seem to come off a bit blunt in their feedback (on every forum)and sometimes that is hard to swallow but that doesnt mean that their feedback is any less relevant or useful. take from it what you will or nothing at all. that is your choice as the writer. the beauty of writing (IMHO)is the interpretation of the reader, and that would mean any opinion is a good one. when it comes down to it the writer has the final say so we should all be grateful that someone is reading our work and having any reaction at all. remember, writing is supposed to envoke emotion and thought. i would encourage everyone to post and keep in mind that feedback is only a suggestion...keep or sweep!


derek-
as for your peice, i really like it. i think the imagery is great...i can relate to this on so many levels. i do apoligize for not responding sooner but lately i have been spending time looking into my own graven window...thanks for sharing and i hope this is finding you well! keep up the great writing...

nick

Hey Nicolaus

Not a problem and thanks for the kind welcome. I'll make sure to put that disclaimer up next time thanks! I hope things are going well for you. i understand how things go and sometimes our world can get overwhelming. Hope things are well for you too and it was very nice meeting you. Also thank for the praise. Gald you could relate to this one.
Sincere Blessings
Derek

Hi Derek,

Good for you on continuing to post here. And Nick, it's great that you're moderating here. I wasn't able to spend the necessary time to critique on another board so that was my MAIN reason for not taking part in critiques here. That plus the fact I don't have any background in this genre'. You're right about every opinion counting. I would hope though that an opinion that is particularly discouraging would be taken with a grain of salt.

Sorry for getting all 'motherly' here. Sometimes I get that way.

biCash,
Vanessa

Hi Vanessa

not a worry we all need mothers! Yes I'll continue to post but I will definitely take the advice given and post a disclaimer if I'm not looking for critique. Thanks for your revisit here and for your earlier praise. Hope thing are well with you sis! Can't wait to see your next poem or song!
BICABH
Derek

I used to write this type of literature when I was very young(15)Now I am 45. I like to see these now and then to remind me of what I went thru when I was young. Hormones and emotions battling it out at the bus stop. It is truely a way to disect, embody and vocalize your emotional thoughts.

For this I think it is very well worded, very simple and to the point. Very nice in imagery. I would love to see you take this further and darker.

I enjoyed it, Thanks!

Hey Psychoward

I do have one on here somewhere about an attempted suicide that is definitly dark. There is also one I wrote on here somewhere called the vultures eat my flesh away. Thanks for the praise and suggestions. Being 32 I am not exactly young but I still remember these days although not fondly. Though they do make for intersting writing. Thanks again!
Derek