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I'd probably see this first as Celtic, but could be Bluegrass or Traditional Country. Meter is probably not quite cricket. Seems like it may lack a little something? Too simplistic?
What else ails it?
Wy

Snow Lies Deep c Wyman Griffith
(On The Roses)

V 1
A valley was all that lay between us
And still we had never chanced to meet
I'D OFTEN see you walking there with him
BUT thought it best to hold my peace

V 2
TIME AND AGAIN I would see you
It seemed you were never alone
Still I noticed that you glanced my way
In my heart stirred a little hope

C
Now the snow lies deep on the roses
'Long the brook that rambles through the glen
The snow lies deep on the roses
Ah, but summertime will come again
WHEN THE ANGELS SMILE DOWN ON THIS LOVE WE HAVE FOUND
THEN SUMERTIME WILL COME AGAIN

V 3
ONE DAY I saw you walking in the valley
He was no longer by your side
And I made a promise to my heart
THAT SOMEDAY YOU WOULD BE my bride

V 4
Quarter moon peeping through the tree line
WHILE love was finding fertile ground
AS nature sang it's siren song
We were dancing to the sound

B
We had just that one short summer
BEFORE YOUR FAMILY MOVED away
But you promised to return
SO OUR LOVE COULD have it's day

C
Now the snow lies deep on the roses
'Long the brook that rambles through the glen
The snow lies deep on the roses
Ah, but summertime will come again
WHEN THE ANGELS SMILE DOWN ON THIS LOVE WE HAVE FOUND
THEN SUMERTIME WILL COME AGAIN

Hi Wyman

Very pretty. Definitely sings celtic style in my mind. There're a few words I'd omit but otherwise it flows real nice.

A valley was WHAT lay between us

Anyplace I would see you
seemed you were never alone
Still I noticed you glanced my way
In my heart stirred a little hope


And I made a promise to my heart
To try to make YOU? my bride

Anyway, take or leave. I enjoyed the read. jm

Morning JM,
I'll think on this one--"A valley was WHAT lay between us"
but on this one--"To try to make YOU? my bride"------
Yeah, I kicked that around a while, like "That really needs to be "you", but seemed like I needed another silly in there. I'm going to edit in a modification of your sug.
Thanks for looking it over
Wy

Mornin' Wyman,

This surely sings celtic to me. Very beautiful and haunting as celtic is. It flows really nicely. If I had written it, which I didn't, I may have said this is v.4:

WHILE love was finding fertile ground(makes a more visible image to me.)

AS nature sang it's siren song.

THERE YOU AND I DANCED to the sound.

ALSO: At the end of each chorus, I'd repeat the last line twice.

Bridge:

We'd had just a wee short summer,

When your folks took you away.

You made a promise to return

And in my loving arms you'd stay.


This is really going well though. I see the scene in my mind. You did well on painting a picture. You should finish this up an pitch it to some band like OFF KILTER. They are a favorite band of mine that I kind of knew when I worked at Disney up til last year. They play at Epcot. They are what I would describe as Pop/celtic. Very NOW, but also very traditional at the same time. Great bunch of guys.

Good luck on this one. I like it alot. Would love to hear it with the melody?

Sincerely:

Jan

Well Wy,

Look at you, going all Celtic on me...is that in honor of the pending basketball season for the Celtics (LOL)?

Anyhoo, I'm gonna have to concur with the other ladies...I like this a lot. Especially the chorus and the hook line "now the snow lies deep on the roses"...such a pretty image.

My only little nit is the use of the "Ands" at the beginning of various lines....it does seem to make lines flow more easily I know, but I have been told by a higher authority that you should avoid it where possible. (How do you like that, ME, speaking on behalf of a Higher Authority -- we won't name names.)

Let me throw some sugs atcha, including a couple of other little nits) and keep or sweep coffee man.

Verse One:
A Valley was all that lay between us
ALAS, we had never chanced to meet

Verse 3
Then I saw you walking in the valley
He was no longer by your side
SO I made a promise to my heart
I'D BE LOOKIN' TO MAKE YOU my bride (seemed sort of Celtic-ese?)

V 4
Quarter moon peeping through the tree line
AS love was finding fertile ground (think that was JM's idea?)
While nature sang it's siren song
We were dancing to the sound (don't think you even need the AND)

or , though I do prefer the more subtle word "dancing", if you're looking for another syllable, maybe you could say:

We were romancing to the sound

Bridge:
We had just that one short summer
Then your folks took you away
But you promised to return
WHEN love would have it's day



All picky stuff, hon, but you know I have a reputation to upkeep!! Otherwise, I think I'm in love with this song. Die-hard romantics 'round the world will be properly moved...

Good luck!
Beth

Morning Janice ,
Some good points. I was trying not to get it "too" Celtic, but I suppose that's where it'll wind up. I think I'll incorporate part of your sug anyway. I'll consider the rest. I ought to leave the original for others to see, but I used to wait till it slid off the page before making any changes and then be into something else and not get it changed at all.
I don't know Off Kilter but I'll look them up.
Thanks for some good suggestions.
Wy

Mornin’ Wy,

To simplistic? I don’t think so. Some of the best songs ever recorded were very simplistic.

This one is a real keeper. A couple of sugs, keep or sweep

V 3
Then I saw you walking in the valley
He was no longer by your side
And I made a promise to my heart
the seeds of hope would come alive

To me the moon seems kinda out of place in V-4? Seems like the sun would be a better fit with love finding fertile ground

Good luck Wy this is a good one
Bill

Morning, Wy. I might have her strolling 'side the river, rather than walking in verse 3. She was walking in verse 1. Keep or sweep.

One word...B...... do Celtic songs...use ..."Folks"...in them or not?......I don't know...but it stuck out to me.....
Tis the only line I didn't care for....

This is very very beautiful......

best...
Kaley.....

Morning Bethsledge,
ALAS, we had never chanced to meet--------------------------------------------
I could use "alas" if I was going to go totally in the Celtic direction. Haven't decided for sure. Then I'd need some true Celtic advice. Where's that Scotsman Andy when ya' need him <G>
Yeah, I think I'll incorporat "So" in there. Not sure on the "looking"
Yeah, I made the line-----------------
"We were dancing to the sound"
I may need another silly , but I'll worry about that later.
Bridge:
We had just that one short summer
Then your folks took you away
But you promised to return
THEN love would have it's day

Think I'll make that "Then"
Thanks for the help. I think it's coming along
Wy

Hey Wy...

All sounds good....but you might want to decide on a "when" and a "then" instead of two "then"s.

Glad I was able to restrain myself at least a little with you...I just totally went off my rocker and virtually rewrote Airun's entire "I Dream You Deserve" song....just went back in, mea culpa-ed all over the place, and tampered only with his chorus.

I think I need to spend a bit of time writing my own stuff for a bit...clearly, I have some creative energy that is being spent in all the wrong places!!

Adios,
Beth

P.S. I know, I've been wondering where Andy is too?

Hi Lost Bill.
the seeds of hope would come alive --------------------------------------------
That line looks interesting. I'm thinking on that.
On this line-------
To me the moon seems kinda out of place in V-4? Seems like the sun would be a better fit with love finding fertile ground

Well, on using the moon, I was thinking along the lines of the moon being more "romantic" I'll see if I get any other comments on that.
Thanks for looking it over
Wy

Hey Tricia, Where you been? You workin' too hard again?
I had noticed those two "walkings" but hadn't done anything about it. I reckon strolling would work. I'll see what other words might describe it.
I got some off board comments too. I'm going to look them over.
Thanks for bringing it up
Wy

Hi Wy,

Nice. I think it's almost gotta go Irish/Scottish/Celtic simply because of the use of these two words, "glen" and "ah".

Some ideas for the "bride" line since "That I'd try to make you my bride" reads awkward.

How about:

That I'd pursue you for my bride
That I would seek you for my bride
That one day you would be my bride

Best,
Lynn

Hey KK,
I don't know if Celtic folka say "folks" or not. Askthat Irish gal. Or I could ask her. Prob'ly won't make any difference. Neither of us would get an answer. Ornery dang red headed person.
Well, I started out to try to make it fit B grass, Celtic or mainstream. I already gave up the mainstream and I'm thinking I may end up writing a Celtic version and a Blue Grass version. Heck, they probably won't both be hits at the same time anyway<G>
Thanks for the visit.
Wy

Hey Wymudgeon,

Absolutely LOVE this hook and song...and I like the new changes...'specially the lines added to the chorus as that allow more freedom for the music to go a different place with the change in rhyme scheme.

Nice work.

Hugs,
B

HIDee Brother Wy!

Yep, Celtic as it gets, Methinks! AND Very Nice Celtic it IS!

A few Sugs, of course, K-O-S:

A Small valley was all 'stood between us/
We lacked the good fortune to meet/
I'd so-often see you walking with him/
But thought it be best..'hold my peace.

Time e're again, I would see you/
It seemed you'd be never alone/
Still I noticed the day..you looked my way/
In my heart your eyes stirred up my hope.

Last Chorus Line Sug: "OUR Summertime will come again."

One day I watched you stroll through the valley/
No Longer was he by your side/
Made a promise to my heart..we'd never part/
Someday, Forever..You'd be my bride!

V4..As nature sang along..with it's siren song/
We danced ever-strong to the sound.

BR:
We had just that one fateful Summer/
Then your family moved..far away/
But what we have brightly-burns, & you promised to return/
So our love will..still..win the day.

Begorra, 'tis a wee bit More Celtic...but hopefully ya likes it..& continue Improving a Very Good Start, Amigo!

Good Luck with it; May the Shamrocks be with ya!
Big Guy-Hug,
Stan

Hello Wyman,

Yes, this is beautiful.
One nit with me, I feel a bump with the word (OFTEN), I keep stumbling, is it just me ?


I'D OFTEN see you walking there with him


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Morning Bethsledge,
I did this one last night and then the puter thew a little fit.
Well, on the thens and whens, I did quite a bit of changing since you read so they're mostly all changed.
Gosh, you done wrote a new "Deserve" song. I thought he just wanted us to critique it. <G<
Oh, you went back and changed that. I'll have to look (After a cuppa' coffee).
----------------
"have some creative energy that is being spent in all the wrong places!!----------Yeah, prob'ly more places than here too. <G>
I'm gonna' try to check on Andy
Thanks for the visit.
Wy

Hey WyandZee,

My my, you have been busy. I do indeed like the changes (though you had to keep an extra AND in there to taunt me, didn't you?? :D)

Liked the idea of maybe having her doing something different in verse 3 for a change of "pace", but could also argue for demonstrating how the same scene had changed.

Anyway, this is now Officially Very Lovely....(I will be curious what Andy's take is on it, if you can track him down.)

Later,
The Sledge

Hi Lynn, Yeah Glen and Ah are Celtic all right. I haven't got too much other Celtic stuff in there though and if I go the Celtic route, I'd have to get some "real" Celtic help ,cause I don't know the lingo well enough. I'm thinking on 2 versions.
Right, on the bride line being awkward. I knew it when I wrote it. I had an off board comment with practically the same sug as your 3rd offering so I already changed it. If it's to be Celtic, "one" would probably be better.
Thanks for the ideas.
Wy

Well, Hey BBBB,
You mean my humble offering tore you away from your true occupation of packing? I am honored <G>
I liked the hook myself. I guess this will probably be the B grass version. I don't know if I can get by with "glen" in B grass or not, but if not, that can be figured out. Anything can be figured out, (Well, except for women)
Thanks for the kind words
Wy

Hi Mr. Wyman,

Am not supposed to be posting so I can spend lots of time on other things. Got back from the beach yesterday and the sun has made me very tired today. Also, my little one (sleeping). The jelly fish sting (me) may be kinda slowing me down too. Never had one of those and it's just now stopped stinging even more as I walk around (ankle).

That Snow hook drew me right in since the sun's still blistering hot here. Was very pleasantly surprised with the story. Think you've done a wonderful job. And it reminds me of the many stories of unconditional love found in the Bible. Many are allegorical in nature or can be applied in a general allegorical fashion and they depict a romantic pair. The singer in this one is in a glorious light so that's why it reminds me of God's love for us.

Thanks for sharing. Now, I have to go back to organizing.

Vanessa

Hey Stan,
Be ye a bit Celtic?
Well, yeah that's considerably more Celtic but ya' see I've 'bout decided to write two versions. I probably won't post the Celtic version, it being bascially the same story, but you provided quite a bit of "Celticer" stuff so I will definitely save it for that version.
Thanks for coming by and suggestions
Wy

Hi Calvin,
Glad to see you come by.
Thanks on the "beautiful".
On "often", I did quite a bit of editing, fairly quick, without paying too much atention to meter or flow. In a Celtic vesion, I coult make that 'oft if that turned out to help it.
Thanks for looking it over.
Hey Bethsledge,
WyandZee---------Well, it took me a little bit to figure out but I got it. Like a foreman I had once used to say about himself
"I may be dumb, but I ain't ignorant"-----------------------------------
Liked the idea of maybe having her doing something different in verse 3 for a change of "pace", but could also argue for demonstrating how the same scene had changed.-------------------------------OK, see what you mean. You're kinda' hard to understand sometimes but being of the female variety.............
Thanks for looking at it again.
Gotta' get my new song gathered together 'fore I lose it
Wy

Hi Wyman,

I'm a late comer to this one, but I like it, and a lot of the changes you've made. The only thing I might do a bit different is hit the hook/title a little bit harder in the chorus. Maybe you could find a way to repeat it once more there. It's only a suggestion, keep it or sweep it. I hope we hear this one soon.

Hi Miss Nessa,
Those dang Jelly Fish. I'm a long way from the ocean but I guess some can be downright dangerous. I wouldn't doubt but what it "was" affecting you.
On the sun, It's cooing off into fall here. Supposed to get downin the 40's at night in this coming week.
Thanks for the vote pof approval. It's quite a bit changed fro the original
Wy

HI John,
Well, actually , I had the same thought. After I hit the summertime line again, I put it into some competition for the title and hook. Didn't figure out how to do it though. I could do it easy if I added 2 more lines, but that makes a longer C than I like to have. So, that's where I'm at as of now. Even thought about a tag to reinforce the hook, but don't think that works either. Maybe the hook being in the first line of the C and hit again, is sufficient
Thanks for coming by
Wy

Hey Wyman

Very Celtic sounding. I like this one flows very freely. It's a very nice story you've woven togther here. I think there is commercial viability when it comes to the celtic genre. The one thing it think it missed was an actuall place where this all took place just to personalize it a little more( a lot of Irish songs do this in naming a town or such). All in all nice work flows nicely not a lot to nit great job

Hi Derek,
This could be Celtic or Bluegrass I think. If I was going to make it out and out Celtic, I'd put in some more Celtic stuff. I'll see if I can get hold of that Scotsman Andy and ask him about it.
Yeah, a lot of the Irish songs ,do talk about a certain place or region. I'll think on that.
Thanks for the idea and good words
Wy

Hey Wyman

Hadn't thought of the bluegrass angle that might just work. your of course welcome and thanks for all your help as well and kind words. Though I think for both of us might be time to pen another silly one lol just to shake em up a bit
Sincerely
Derek Hines