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#539785 - 09/08/07 08:53 AM Whatís bothering you?(crits please)  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893
Derek Hines Offline
Derek Hines  Offline

Top 100 Poster

Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893
United States Oregon
Whatís bothering you?

1st Verse
Honey youíre acting strange
Donít usually see you this way
I try to pay close attention
To all of your moods everyday
Oh there must be something
Sitting on top of your mind
That sad little something
Won't ever let you start to unwind

Chorus
So whatís bothering you?
Whatís giving you pause?
I see the end result
Not sure of the cause?
Whatís bothering you?
Just canít seem to see
But whatís bothering you
Is sure bothering me

2nd Verse
You sure seem tense angel
Things just donít seem right
Try my best to relax you
Youíre still up half the night
I wish this would start ease
Might it get better with time?
Though here in the meantime
I am mostly losing my mind

Chorus
So whatís bothering you?
Whatís giving you pause?
I see the end result
Not sure of the cause?
Whatís bothering you?
Just canít seem to see
But whatís bothering you
Is sure bothering me

Bridge
Maybe we should get some professional help
I canít help you when I canít even help myself

Tag
Maybe aintí too strong of a word is it baby? (Spoken in a Bass Voice)

Chorus
So whatís bothering you?
Whatís giving you pause?
I see the end result
Not sure of the cause?
Whatís bothering you?
Just canít seem to see
But whatís bothering you
Is sure bothering me

End Tag
Whatís been bothering you girl
Has been bugginí the heck out of me!

Copyright September 6, 2007 Derek Hines All Rights Reserved

Last edited by Derek Hines; 09/12/07 10:08 AM.

All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#539795 - 09/08/07 10:53 AM Re: What’s bothering you?(crits please) [Re: Derek Hines]  
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 9,186
Joice Marie Offline
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Joice Marie  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 9,186
Cornish Flat, NH, USA
Good Morning Derek,

The way this is written, it sure feels very personal. So here I am hesitating to say this, but I think for a song the verses are very similar in content.

I think this is a very good concept to build on.

Cause what’s bothering you
It sure is bothering me

Wishing you the best. smile jm




perfection is unattainable, excellence is totally within reach

http://www.youtube.com/joicemarie
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#539798 - 09/08/07 11:02 AM Re: Whatís bothering you?(crits please) [Re: Joice Marie]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893
Derek Hines Offline
Derek Hines  Offline

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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893
United States Oregon
Wow Joice


You are very intuitive. This one is quite personal was between me and my wife. She has a habit of keeping things bottled up. So sometimes it's frustrating cause I really want to help but I can't seem to know how to get her to tell me sometimes.

The professional help line is kinda tongue in cheek in that I don't really see it as being that bad it just kinda lightens things a bit. The melody for this one is rather light and even though the topic is serious the feel isn't. Thanks for your considerations and suggestions if you could give me some more feedback on how to change the verses I would be more than open to that! Thanks you for the visit.

Oh and Good morning to you as well (where are my manners?)

Last edited by ajk; 09/08/07 11:02 AM.

All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#539800 - 09/08/07 11:12 AM Re: Whatís bothering you?(crits please) [Re: Derek Hines]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 66
PogoDog Offline
Serious Contributor
PogoDog  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 66
ajk, With all due respect... If something was bothering me and you were "this curious" about it. Um, I would throw something at you. Hard Figuratively! I hope that's what you're aiming for. An impish bit of fun?

All in all, I think this is an insanely interesting write. And I apologize if I've completely misunderstood you intentions.

Love the Tag,
Dog

PS: "Whatís giving you pause?" ... is this a rhetorical question? wink

Quote
The professional help line is kinda tongue in cheek in that I don't really see it as being that bad it just kinda lightens things a bit.


... I just saw this line in your response and I have to say it made me smile extremely big.

Last edited by PogoDog; 09/08/07 11:44 AM.
#539814 - 09/08/07 11:48 AM Re: Whatís bothering you?(crits please) [Re: PogoDog]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893
Derek Hines Offline
Derek Hines  Offline

Top 100 Poster

Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893
United States Oregon
Heya Dog

The sentiment is real. The direction of the song is kinda silly actually. Glad you picked up on that. Glad I was able to give you a smile on my reply to Joice as well. (ducks anything being thrown) "tomatoes?" lol Thanks for the visit and the kind words.
Derek

PS I was thinking in your song you never say goodbye maybe you could go with the turnaround angle? So in the end they really are together? Just a thought


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#540424 - 09/11/07 07:55 AM Re: Whatís bothering you?(crits please) [Re: Derek Hines]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 66
PogoDog Offline
Serious Contributor
PogoDog  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by ajk


PS I was thinking in your song you never say goodbye maybe you could go with the turnaround angle? So in the end they really are together? Just a thought


I agree. That would be a very cool turnaround. And the Hook supports it perfectly. It's what I originally had in mind before I wrote the verses - then I had to decide which direction made the most sense. Still mulling it over. Thanks for your continued interest.

Randy -Dog

#540430 - 09/11/07 08:49 AM Re: Whatís bothering you?(crits please) [Re: PogoDog]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893
Derek Hines Offline
Derek Hines  Offline

Top 100 Poster

Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893
United States Oregon
Hey Randy

Not a problem. And if you need anymore help with it don't be afraid to ask. Will be more than willing to give of what little knowledge I have about such things. Thanks for thew bump as well lol


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#540468 - 09/11/07 12:16 PM Re: Whatís bothering you?(crits please) [Re: Derek Hines]  
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 11,186
John Voorpostel Offline
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John Voorpostel  Offline
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Posts: 11,186
Hi Derek,

I think this needs more in V2...as is, you basically repeat V1...you notice she's sad, you've been trying....so I think yolu need to develop the story more....what affect is she having on herself, physically, emotionally, on the kids etc...


Other than that it's emm smile pretty sound


If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop

My Youtube Channel <<<>>> iAccountant
#540474 - 09/11/07 12:36 PM Re: Whatís bothering you?(crits please) [Re: John Voorpostel]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893
Derek Hines Offline
Derek Hines  Offline

Top 100 Poster

Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893
United States Oregon
Hey John

Thanks for the input have kinda put this one on the back burner for better projects but will get back to it later when I have more time. Thanks again for the visit.


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#540522 - 09/11/07 02:41 PM Re: Whatís bothering you?(crits please) [Re: Derek Hines]  
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
"Tampa Stan" Good (D) Offline
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"Tampa Stan" Good (D)  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
Tampa, Florida since 1973
HiDee Bro D!

This is a VERY Commercial Angle & GREAT Hook, Bro!~

REAL shorta Time today...BUT...here's a bitta re-write. Keep Condensin', makin' it easier to Understand & Sing..& you got a Big HIT here, IMO.

"I try to pay close attention/
To ALL of YOUR MoodS everyday/
NOW I KNOW there is something/
That SAD Little Something/
Won't EVER let you start to unwind/

(Chorus SUG)

.."I see the end result (Delete: of it)/
Not sure OF the cause/
What's Bothering You/
Just can't seem to see/
BUT What's Bothering You/
Is Sure Bothering Me!

"Try my best to relax you/
You're still up half the night"

(K-O-S)
Gotta Scoot...But This Baby Is HIT Material..."KUDOS" & Good Luck with a Winner, Amigo|

Big Guy-Hug,
Stan

#540686 - 09/12/07 10:12 AM Re: Whatís bothering you?(crits please) [Re: ]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893
Derek Hines Offline
Derek Hines  Offline

Top 100 Poster

Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893
United States Oregon
Hey Amigo

Stan you must be looking for a case of amberbocks. Much appreciated all your help on this one. And the praise well might I say wasn't thinking this one was hit material so wow thanks for that. To be perfectly honest wasn't even thinking of writing music for it but I think I will now. Still need to get a better microphone mine stinks. Thanks for all your suggs and crits amigo and may you have a wonderfull day
Big guy Hugs
Bro D!


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
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