Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.
By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 66
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 66 |
Well, folks (Derek, Janice, Joice and Kaley) - Me and my hook are goin' fishin' for a wee bit But not without saying "thank you" for all the support, encouragement and interest you showed me and my two verses. They weren't much to begin with but you made 'em feel pretty special and that really meant a lot! Muchos gracias! Randy Sunlight crept around you Passing shadows through my legs Suspicious of our bodies And the fire that we made
Gentle cravings brought out hunger Tasting heaven for a while Passion soared beyond the clouds As I flew inside your smile
... and like a dream You never say goodbye
Last edited by PogoDog; 09/23/07 10:44 AM.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893
Top 100 Poster
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893 |
Hey Pogodog
Nice to see you finaly post some of your own. I like what I am seeing here nice layout. I see your stumped for further ideas as far as words go. I think what you may have done JMO. Is written yourself into a corner your opening verse is so good that the rest of the song pales in comparison. How bout taking some of the ideas from the first verse and carrying it through the song. Sort of let the story develop a little at a time. Othewise I see where you are going with this one and I like it! Good luck with this one!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893
Top 100 Poster
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893 |
Hey Pogodog worked on this one a little also added a copyright for you(make sure you always put it there) This is all keep or sweep and no I don't need collborater credits on this one. Great wotk by the way!
YOU NEVER SAY GOODBYE
V1a (past) Only the sun could reach around you Passing shadows beyond my legs (in between is more syllables than necessary) Still resting warm and tender From the fire our hands made (helps to include the other party)
V1b (past) Gentle cravings fed our hunger (ditto from above) Tasting heaven for a while My beauty grew beyond the clouds (my Beauty? Just not sure?) (“and” not necessary) As I flew inside your smile (you I think was a typo)
Lift (not finished... but, this is what I want it to convey but with a lot more words that rhyme really well) It was forever in a day (just some ideas) Then you went astray Were these feelings feigned?
Chorus (present) Now your love wears another face And my world is another place B Good memories are all that’s left B These feelings felt are now bereft (this 20 dollar word might be too much) Disappearing as I hold you tight (might need a little insight into who or what is dissappering) And like a dream you never say goodbye
V2 (PRESENT) X Now I sit inside my head A Remembering the words you said X Forever you’d stay here with me A To believe this I was led (yoda speak I know just can’t think of a rhyme)
Lift (not finished... but, this is what I want it to convey but with a lot more words that rhyme really well) It's like forever AND a day Since you walked away As like a flower our love slowly decayed
Chorus WHEN your love wears another face And my world is another place B Good memories are all that’s left B Those feelings felt are now bereft Disappearing as I hold you tight And like a dream you never say goodbye
Bridge (present) A Scattered pictures in a book A As I stop and take a look b I see the past in front of me B I see you stepping out of my dreams (That was forever in our day) (Spoken)
Chorus... Outro Now your love wears another face And my word is another place Good memories are all that’s left Those feelings felt are now bereft Disappearing as I hold you tight And like a dream you never say goodbye
no you never say……Goodbye
Copyright September 7, 2007 Pogodog
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 66
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 66 |
ajk,
Thanks so much for your time and effort. Finding the hidden story and fillin' in the gaps, like you have, has already helped me out of a tough situation. Now I have a clear a path to follow that doesn't lead into a corner.
Hugest thanks!!!
Dog
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893
Top 100 Poster
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893 |
But of course
As Brian Says Dog we're all in this together. Good luck with this one the overall concept is a great one and worthy of air play IMO.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,697
Top 50 Poster
|
Top 50 Poster
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,697 |
PogoDog,
Welcome to the boards. You're officially one of us now. Believe me, we all know how hard it is to put our "babies" out there to be chewed up, stomped on, and stretched on a rack. We've all been there. But, in this case, you have a real good start and we see a glimpse of a budding talent. I've printed this thread off and will give it some time, then I'll be glad to give you my suggs on it. Just remember that most of us here really want you to succeed. We want to help you reach your goals, because in doing so, we also help ourselves. Good luck to you.
Sincerely,
Janice
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,697
Top 50 Poster
|
Top 50 Poster
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,697 |
hey PogoDog;
I've spent the last hour or so looking your lyrics over. Nice hook, nice 1rst chorus. As you said, you just needed some guidance beyond that. I tried to use your suggestions of where you wanted to go with it. Everyone gets something different. That's why they call us songwriterS and not just songwriter. So here goes with my take on it:
YOU NEVER SAY GOODBYE
V.1.a
I like this just as it stands...
v.1.b
Gentle cravings fed OUR hunger Tasting heaven for awhile. PASSION SOARED beyond the clowds, As I flew inside your smile.
Lift:
It seemed like forever one day, Then you just went your own way.
Chorus:
Now your love wears another face, Has it gone to another place. What happened to the light; Your touch in the cold of night. Even though I don't know why, Like a dream, You Never Say Goodbye.
v.2
In the dark, I go inside my mind; Ask myself just what went wrong. You said you'd stay forever. Guess forever was too long.
Lift:
You just drifted quietly away. Love wasn't enough to make you stay.
Repeat Chorus:
Bridge:
The answers I need may not ever come, But, I'll remember when the day is done, Your touch; I loved so much and YOU.
Chorus and Out:
Hoped I've been able to help some. This is going to be a good song when it gets done. Thanks for having the courage to just go for it. The first time you post lyrics is hard. Everyone will tell you something different. You kind of learn who will have the best advice for your own style of writing. Just remember, in the end, it's your song, your heart, your soul that we see depicted on the paper. Not everyone will get you, but the ones who do will be your most treasured assets. Hope to hear more from you.
Sincerely,
Jan
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 66
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 66 |
Wow! Jan ... It amazes me how you were able to pull this all together in about an hour. Especially when I consider how long it took me just to get the original 'idea' posted. Yikes!
I really appreciate your time and thoughts. For many reasons but one in particular. You've given me version of a lyric I never considered. As did ajk ... and I find that very useful!!!
You've inspired me. And that's a big deal,
Muchos, Muchos Thanks!!!
Dog
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 66
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 66 |
Jan and ajk,
While reading your songs I realised that I didn't want to write a negative "I've been hurt" song, after all. You were so successful at communicating my concept - that I decided against it. (Me and my bright ideas).
The way you both respected the the verses revealed something about the entire song. That these two people are meant for each other. And that the chorus should celebrate not destroy what seems meant to be. Both choruses left me feeling more sad than I ever wanted to... I tried to work out a compromise but there was none. What you wrote was the only way things could turn out, if things were to turn for the worse following the verse. .
So, now I'm unsure??? But I think there's a love song in here somewhere, albeit a rebellious one. Which wouldn't be half crazy.
Anywho, I do hope to keep the Hook somehow but it may end up elsewhere.
Thanks for shining a light on things, Randy - dog
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 9,186
Top 10 Poster
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 9,186 |
Hi Randy Well welcome to jpf...I'll await the re-write on this. jm
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240
Top 10 Poster
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240 |
Hi Randy.... Welcome....and like your wee pup picture too.... I think it's an excellent start... and like me...so many times..I get a first verse...a chorus...and a bridge.... but can't map that 2nd verse out for hours, days, weeks, months, years Any ways,.....Will watch for the direction you take it.... best to you..... Kaley
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 66
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 66 |
Thank you for the welcomes, Joice and Kaley.
Funny thing. Each time I've felt like quitting this pesky, (two verse and a hook) - lyric. A note appears and I'm renewed in my effort... "however long it takes!", is how I'm feeling right now. So many, many thanks.
Nothing's as simple as breathing, but anything I do is leaps away from writers block and a definite move forward. Just what the Dr. ordered.
Sincerely, Randy - my official, *real*, new name.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,697
Top 50 Poster
|
Top 50 Poster
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,697 |
Randy, my friend,
I'm so glad that you're renewed. That's what we're all here for. At any given time it could be me that needs YOUR help. I'm quite sure that it'd be forthcoming when that becomes the case. You know your way around words, now wrap yourself around your emotions, tell us how you feel about things and just let us read them. We're here for ya'. You're going to do great. You have what it takes.(Does everything I say have to rhyme? LOL)
Your writin' bud,
Jan
|
|
|
We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.
|
|
Forums117
Topics125,756
Posts1,161,310
Members21,470
|
Most Online37,523 Jan 25th, 2020
|
|
"When will we all, as artists, creators and facilitators learn that the so-called experts in our lives are nothing more than someone who has stepped forward and called themselves an expert?" –Brian Austin Whitney
|
|
|
|