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#539479 - 09/07/07 08:46 AM Goodbye  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 66
PogoDog Offline
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PogoDog  Offline
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Well, folks (Derek, Janice, Joice and Kaley) - Me and my hook are goin' fishin' for a wee bit cool But not without saying "thank you" for all the support, encouragement and interest you showed me and my two verses. They weren't much to begin with but you made 'em feel pretty special and that really meant a lot!

Muchos gracias!
Randy

Sunlight crept around you
Passing shadows through my legs
Suspicious of our bodies
And the fire that we made

Gentle cravings brought out hunger
Tasting heaven for a while
Passion soared beyond the clouds
As I flew inside your smile

... and like a dream
You never say goodbye



Last edited by PogoDog; 09/23/07 10:44 AM.
#539481 - 09/07/07 08:55 AM Re: Help: You never say goodbye [Re: PogoDog]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893
Derek Hines Offline
Derek Hines  Offline

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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893
United States Oregon
Hey Pogodog

Nice to see you finaly post some of your own. I like what I am seeing here nice layout. I see your stumped for further ideas as far as words go. I think what you may have done JMO. Is written yourself into a corner your opening verse is so good that the rest of the song pales in comparison. How bout taking some of the ideas from the first verse and carrying it through the song. Sort of let the story develop a little at a time. Othewise I see where you are going with this one and I like it! Good luck with this one!


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#539484 - 09/07/07 09:31 AM Re: Help: You never say goodbye [Re: PogoDog]  
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Posts: 4,893
Derek Hines Offline
Derek Hines  Offline

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Posts: 4,893
United States Oregon

Hey Pogodog worked on this one a little also added a copyright for you(make sure you always put it there) This is all keep or sweep and no I don't need collborater credits on this one. Great wotk by the way!

YOU NEVER SAY GOODBYE

V1a (past)
Only the sun could reach around you
Passing shadows beyond my legs (in between is more syllables than necessary)
Still resting warm and tender
From the fire our hands made (helps to include the other party)

V1b (past)
Gentle cravings fed our hunger (ditto from above)
Tasting heaven for a while
My beauty grew beyond the clouds (my Beauty? Just not sure?) (“and” not necessary)
As I flew inside your smile (you I think was a typo)

Lift (not finished... but, this is what I want it to convey but with a lot more words that rhyme really well)
It was forever in a day (just some ideas)
Then you went astray
Were these feelings feigned?

Chorus (present)
Now your love wears another face
And my world is another place
B Good memories are all that’s left
B These feelings felt are now bereft (this 20 dollar word might be too much)
Disappearing as I hold you tight (might need a little insight into who or what is dissappering)
And like a dream you never say goodbye

V2 (PRESENT)
X Now I sit inside my head
A Remembering the words you said
X Forever you’d stay here with me
A To believe this I was led (yoda speak I know just can’t think of a rhyme)

Lift (not finished... but, this is what I want it to convey but with a lot more words that rhyme really well)
It's like forever AND a day
Since you walked away
As like a flower our love slowly decayed

Chorus
WHEN your love wears another face
And my world is another place
B Good memories are all that’s left
B Those feelings felt are now bereft
Disappearing as I hold you tight
And like a dream you never say goodbye

Bridge (present)
A Scattered pictures in a book
A As I stop and take a look
b I see the past in front of me
B I see you stepping out of my dreams
(That was forever in our day) (Spoken)

Chorus... Outro
Now your love wears another face
And my word is another place
Good memories are all that’s left
Those feelings felt are now bereft
Disappearing as I hold you tight
And like a dream you never say goodbye

no you never say……Goodbye

Copyright September 7, 2007 Pogodog


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#539498 - 09/07/07 10:46 AM Re: Help: You never say goodbye [Re: Derek Hines]  
Joined: Aug 2007
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PogoDog Offline
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PogoDog  Offline
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ajk,

Thanks so much for your time and effort. Finding the hidden story and fillin' in the gaps, like you have, has already helped me out of a tough situation. Now I have a clear a path to follow that doesn't lead into a corner.

Hugest thanks!!!

Dog


#539504 - 09/07/07 11:03 AM Re: Help: You never say goodbye [Re: PogoDog]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893
Derek Hines Offline
Derek Hines  Offline

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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893
United States Oregon
But of course

As Brian Says Dog we're all in this together. Good luck with this one the overall concept is a great one and worthy of air play IMO.


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#539506 - 09/07/07 11:16 AM Re: Help: You never say goodbye [Re: Derek Hines]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,697
Janice Hopkins Offline
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Janice Hopkins  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,697
Michigan
PogoDog,

Welcome to the boards. You're officially one of us now. Believe me, we all know how hard it is to put our "babies" out there to be chewed up, stomped on, and stretched on a rack. We've all been there. But, in this case, you have a real good start and we see a glimpse of a budding talent. I've printed this thread off and will give it some time, then I'll be glad to give you my suggs on it. Just remember that most of us here really want you to succeed. We want to help you reach your goals, because in doing so, we also help ourselves. Good luck to you.

Sincerely,

Janice

#539627 - 09/07/07 05:35 PM Re: Help: You never say goodbye [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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Janice Hopkins Offline
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Janice Hopkins  Offline
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Posts: 4,697
Michigan
hey PogoDog;

I've spent the last hour or so looking your lyrics over. Nice hook, nice 1rst chorus. As you said, you just needed some guidance beyond that. I tried to use your suggestions of where you wanted to go with it. Everyone gets something different. That's why they call us songwriterS and not just songwriter. So here goes with my take on it:

YOU NEVER SAY GOODBYE

V.1.a

I like this just as it stands...

v.1.b

Gentle cravings fed OUR hunger
Tasting heaven for awhile.
PASSION SOARED beyond the clowds,
As I flew inside your smile.

Lift:

It seemed like forever one day,
Then you just went your own way.

Chorus:

Now your love wears another face,
Has it gone to another place.
What happened to the light;
Your touch in the cold of night.
Even though I don't know why,
Like a dream, You Never Say Goodbye.

v.2

In the dark, I go inside my mind;
Ask myself just what went wrong.
You said you'd stay forever.
Guess forever was too long.

Lift:

You just drifted quietly away.
Love wasn't enough to make you stay.

Repeat Chorus:

Bridge:

The answers I need may not ever come,
But, I'll remember when the day is done,
Your touch; I loved so much and YOU.

Chorus and Out:

Hoped I've been able to help some. This is going to be a good song when it gets done. Thanks for having the courage to just go for it. The first time you post lyrics is hard. Everyone will tell you something different. You kind of learn who will have the best advice for your own style of writing. Just remember, in the end, it's your song, your heart, your soul that we see depicted on the paper. Not everyone will get you, but the ones who do will be your most treasured assets. Hope to hear more from you.

Sincerely,

Jan

#539754 - 09/08/07 01:14 AM Re: Help: You never say goodbye [Re: Janice Hopkins]  
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PogoDog Offline
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PogoDog  Offline
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Wow! Jan ... It amazes me how you were able to pull this all together in about an hour. Especially when I consider how long it took me just to get the original 'idea' posted. Yikes!

I really appreciate your time and thoughts. For many reasons but one in particular. You've given me version of a lyric I never considered. As did ajk ... and I find that very useful!!!

You've inspired me. And that's a big deal,

Muchos, Muchos Thanks!!!

Dog

#539789 - 09/08/07 10:17 AM Re: Help: You never say goodbye [Re: PogoDog]  
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PogoDog Offline
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PogoDog  Offline
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Jan and ajk,

While reading your songs I realised that I didn't want to write a negative "I've been hurt" song, after all. You were so successful at communicating my concept - that I decided against it. (Me and my bright ideas).

The way you both respected the the verses revealed something about the entire song. That these two people are meant for each other. And that the chorus should celebrate not destroy what seems meant to be. Both choruses left me feeling more sad than I ever wanted to... I tried to work out a compromise but there was none. What you wrote was the only way things could turn out, if things were to turn for the worse following the verse. .

So, now I'm unsure??? But I think there's a love song in here somewhere, albeit a rebellious one. Which wouldn't be half crazy.

Anywho, I do hope to keep the Hook somehow but it may end up elsewhere.

Thanks for shining a light on things,
Randy - dog

#539791 - 09/08/07 10:43 AM Re: Help: You never say goodbye [Re: PogoDog]  
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 9,186
Joice Marie Offline
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Joice Marie  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 9,186
Cornish Flat, NH, USA
Hi Randy

Well welcome to jpf...I'll await the re-write on this. smile jm


perfection is unattainable, excellence is totally within reach

http://www.youtube.com/joicemarie
http://www.myspace.com/lemonmcfartney
#540039 - 09/09/07 03:27 PM Re: Help: You never say goodbye [Re: Joice Marie]  
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240
Kaley Willow Offline
Kaley Willow  Offline

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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 10,240
PA
Hi Randy....

Welcome....and like your wee pup picture too.... smile smile

I think it's an excellent start... and like me...so many times..I get a first verse...a chorus...and a bridge....
but can't map that 2nd verse out for hours, days, weeks, months, years grin grin grin

Any ways,.....Will watch for the direction you take it....

best to you.....
Kaley smile

#540110 - 09/09/07 09:54 PM Re: Help: You never say goodbye [Re: Kaley Willow]  
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PogoDog Offline
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PogoDog  Offline
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Posts: 66
Thank you for the welcomes, Joice and Kaley.

Funny thing. Each time I've felt like quitting this pesky, (two verse and a hook) - lyric. A note appears and I'm renewed in my effort... "however long it takes!", is how I'm feeling right now. So many, many thanks.

Nothing's as simple as breathing, but anything I do is leaps away from writers block and a definite move forward. Just what the Dr. ordered.

Sincerely,
Randy - my official, *real*, new name.


#540113 - 09/09/07 10:13 PM Re: Help: You never say goodbye [Re: PogoDog]  
Joined: Aug 2007
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Janice Hopkins Offline
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Janice Hopkins  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,697
Michigan
Randy, my friend,

I'm so glad that you're renewed. That's what we're all here for. At any given time it could be me that needs YOUR help. I'm quite sure that it'd be forthcoming when that becomes the case. You know your way around words, now wrap yourself around your emotions, tell us how you feel about things and just let us read them. We're here for ya'. You're going to do great. You have what it takes.(Does everything I say have to rhyme? LOL)

Your writin' bud,

Jan


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