JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum Train Song (My Only Real Friend) is up for collab.....

I have submitted this one because I thought that it was a good candidate for a collaboration. Ayone want to give it a shot and see if we can make a finished song out of it?

TRAIN SONG (MY ONLY REAL FRIEND)

Since we are here, and have been for years
I wonder if I might just inquire
To what extent can I honestly vent
And still keep away from the fire

My feet are so cold, my head's gettin' old
And the mirror has just took a dive
Yet the motor, it runs, on time with the sun
Are we still scheduled somehow to arrive

Nowhere is home, and that's fine with me
I've never felt settled, anyway
Really took me a long hard time to see
Should I look for a reason to stay

Days gone past, from the first to the last
The train is my only real friend
Twin lines of steel, too sad it must feel
I await my last run around the bend

Something comes clear, inside of my ear
A voice that I never heard before
Visions of times as I created the rhymes
For the comfort of a joyless rapport

Nowhere is home, and it's fine with me
You see, I never felt settled, anyway
Took such a long damn time to see
That there ain't no reason to stay

Days gone past, and I thought it would last
But the train is my only real friend
Those twin lines of steel, oh how it must feel
As I await my last run around the bend...

I see a lot of people posting about co-writing, so that inspires me to ask of you, is this piece on the wrong board, or what seems to be the problem here?

I sure do wish that someone would try to help me co-write this one into the killer song that it isn't just yet.....Or something like that.......Can't believe the only replies this one has are my own....

Hi snake

is he dying or going for a train ride.?

Do you want is "hard", soft, or funny?

I'll give it a whirl when I know!

annie

Hi Snake

I did it in Word and then pasted here. I bolded all my changes--oh wait--I'll Post, then Edit.
Take what you like and leave the rest?

annie
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TRAIN SONG (MY ONLY TRUE FRIEND)

Since we are here, and have been for years
I wonder if I might just enquire
To what extent may I honestly vent
And still keep away from the fire

My feet are so cold, my head's gettin' old
And the mirror has just took a dive
Yet the motor runs in time with the sun
Are we still scheduled somehow to arrive?

Nowhere is home, and that's fine with me
I've never felt settled, anyway
Really took me a long time to see
Ain’t lookin’ for a reason to stay

Days have passed, from the first to the last
The train is my only true friend
Twin lines of steel: I can’t conceal/hide their appeal
Lookin’ forward to my last run ‘round the bend

A whisper came clear, inside of my ear
A voice that to me was unknown
Visions of times as I created my rhymes
For sometimes applause or a groan.

Nowhere is home, and it's fine with me
You see, I never felt settled, anyway
Took such a damn long time for me to see
That there weren’t no reason to stay

Days all gone passed, and I thought they would last
But the train is my only true friend
Those twin lines of steel, I can’t hide the appeal
As I await my last run ‘round the bend...

This one is a dual metaphor, waiting for another freight train to crawl into and ride........Also looking at all the years that he's been traveling like this, and knowing that the end is coming soon....

Annie, I like the changes that you have offered, and as for tempo, I think.......a sense of longing should be there, and the weariness of it all catchin' up to my character....

Anyone else give this one a shot to make it ready to compete with everyone else's lyric work?

Trying to place this one as a viable option, that means finalizing the basic construction.....

=============
TRAIN SONG (MY ONLY REAL FRIEND)

Hi snake
I'm female so I could'nt relate to some of the lines. but gave input as another thought. I think you have a great story here .
God bless and keep at it.

Seems I've been here, what felt like years
I wonder if I might inquire
To what extent can I honestly vent
And still keep away from the fire

My feet are cold,as I shovel coal
the things I do to stay alive
Yet the engine, it runs in time with the sun
Are we still scheduled somehow to arrive?

the rail's my home, and that's fine with me
I've never felt settled, anyway
Really took me a long time to see
I'm a man that needs to be free

nothing lasts forever but somehow I feel
this ole train will always be my friend
Twin lines of steel I can't hide their appeal
Lookin' forward to my last run 'just round the bend

A whisper came clear, inside of my ear
A voice that I never heard before
saying it's ok and to each his own
comfort and joy's not always at home

this rail's my home, and it's fine with me
You see, I never felt settled, anyway
Took such a damn long time to see
i'm a man that needs to be free

nothing lasts forever but somehow I feel
this ole train will always be my friend
Those twin lines of steel, I can't hide their appeal
As I await my last run just round the bend...

_________________________

Snake,

I love what and how you write. Your style is a fine example of poetry and lyric meeting as friends - very 'ala' Cohen and Dylan and such. Sure wish I was a musician 'cause I'd love to be part of this song. But I'm not so I'll do my part as a fan.

Good Luck!
Dog

Snake,
You've got a great lyric here. Character, Setting and Theme are all developed. The song strikes a familiar chord which makes it easy for folks to relate to it.
I like just about everything about this song (Ramblin' songs Rock!) I have a song in a similar vein called Thousand Mile Journey (was that an unsolicited plug?). It's totally different, but somehow the same. Perhaps you'll check it out.

If I were to make a auggestion, I'd make two :-)

The second stanza ends with a question which seems kind of out of place with all the absolutes of the song. Unless that question is meant to stand out, you might want to rethink the delivery of that line. Is he the kind of guy that show's up or not? Would he go out of his way to get there on time?

The other is strictly my own issue, because technically it is fine: The Verse that reads, "

A whisper came clear, inside of my ear
A voice that I never heard before
Visions of times as I created my rhymes
For the comfort of a joyless rapport

seems to suggest that at the end of the day, he has many memories, but not many "joyful" memories. I really like the message, but I'm just having problems wrapping my brain around the last line ...the comfort of joyless rapport seems just a little too wry. I'm just not clear whether, and how much it bothers him that his life is spent without deep emotion.

I don't like to suggest substitute lines. I don't want to put words in your mouth (so to speak), but I figure, you seek constructive criticism, and I hope this helps.

Great stuff! Keep up the good work.

Snake,

There is lots of gold in your words brother.

I think this lyric will sing fine as written.

I hear an up tempo Bluegrass melody playing in my head when I read the lines to this piece.

Post a message on the Songwriters Message Forum too. Maybe you can find someone to help put it to music.

Best of luck with this one.

Nathan

The meter and rhyme are very good. I think I'd settle in on one last line for each giving of the chorus, to make it easily memorable. I'm thinking it would be "I've got No Reason To Stay," making the title "No Reason To Stay." I'd add that line at the end too, if you're not giving the chorus a third time to end.