Joined: Aug 2007 Posts: 66PogoDog
Joined: Aug 2007
ajk, I read your lyric, obviously, and I gotta be honest... your punchline needs a better joke.
"Iím gonna keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait" is a great line, and that poses a problem because no other line even comes close to matching it. None.
Don't get me wrong... the Idea's great and your intentions are obvious and smart, but the pieces aren't coming together as easily as they should or as clever as a Strait song would. And that should be your goal.
I do truly appreaciate you honesty on this one I feel like the whole song smacks of comedy but then I also laugh at my own jokes. Any rate was just wondering if you Dog or anyone else could help me tighten this baby up a bit so it really soars I really like the Hook and I am not loosing that part but the rest I am open to change if some one can come up with a better way to make the hook work. I figure seeing Strait requires "Seeing Him" now this could be at home on the tv I spose but a Live venue sounded better any rate I am open to changing just need some scope as to what it needs thanks all I'll keep writing till I write a hit or till my fingers fall off lol
I've read several of yours and it seems to me that you are a better songwriter than I am so there's not much I can help you with.
Now, as a consumer, I can tell you that this song wouldn't entice me just because it's about getting drunk. But, I can imagine that those who drink for sport might get a kick out of this one. I got the humor right away and you've supported the hook as well as it could be supported as far as I can tell. It is a stretch imo. But, it's still funny.
You might consider rewording this part to be more conversational imo.
Well I GUESS I COULD HEAR THE MUSIC on the radio I didnít have to pay top dollar not to see this show But to hear George singing live ďfool hearted memoryĒ It warms a special place deep inside of me
I'll try to get by and critique another one later. Gotta go cook breakfast now. Welcome to JPF. I like to see prolific writers here.
Derek: What's this line mean? "And To choose away the fires from my old flame" Is this some reference to "They call me The Fireman"? Very clever title, but I don't think the story supports it well enough. It's all about the singer getting drunk to drown out some memories with George Strait's name thrown in. I'd have made it a party song. But, I do get it. /Glen
Joined: Feb 2006 Posts: 960Wolvman
Joined: Feb 2006
Nice to meet you. Nice hook. See if any of these changes help.
1st verse Well I waited in line for forty hours for this show Starring George Strait, Alan Jackson and others I donít know I really only came here to hear King George sing And To DRINK away the PAIN (STING?) OF my old flame
REMOVE - GIVES AWAY THE PUNCHLINE TOO EARLY: (And Iím gonna keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait)
I can hear him singing at this live concert And boy does he sound great Iíll keep chasing away those memories Of the girl I used to date And Iím gonna keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait
2nd Verse Well HIS music (REMOVE:I GUESS)I could ALWAYS hear on the radio I didnít have to pay top dollar not to see this show But to hear George singing (REMOVE:live) ďfool hearted memoryĒ It warms a special place deep inside of me
Well out of the ďBlue Clear SkyĒ Her memories KEEP coming back So Iíll just chase it AWAY with A bottle of JOHNNY BLACK
ok there is some changes will work on it more later thanks for your suggestions wolvman I took out the hook on the first part and added a new line. thanks again everyone for your critiques and suggestions
I like the changes you have made since the first time i read this. i suppose i would have to hear it. the hook is really strong. i think the way to make this better would be to sing this loud in a george strait show.
"sing along little hotties in those wet t-shirts" -Tricia "angel" Baker
Joined: Aug 2007 Posts: 66PogoDog
Joined: Aug 2007
I think Calvin and Wolvman gave you the right sugs to help nail this lyric even tighter !!!
Also, I'm new to this forum interaction stuff, so this was a perfect example of good people with great ideas coming together and helping a song along... and without loosing the personality of the original story! Very cool.
Wow Calvin I was a little concerned at first of all the changes but by the third read I was hooked thanks for the help I'll make the changes but first I need to make sure it doesn't hurt the melody to much. Thanks hope your ok if I use these after all you did pretty much rewrite a bunch of it lol Maybe I'll give you cowriter credits!
Thanks Pogodog and thanks for helping me to see it needed help. Thats really what this forum seems to be throw something against the wall see if it sticks. If you can't figure out why it isn't call a bunch of friends over and see if they can figure it out. Though you maybe wanna buy em a beer if they can lol
Thanks Calvin I appreaciate your help I might be putting the changes on hold having a family crisis at the moment so I wont be posting much today take care everyone and keep on writing who knows maybe I'll get a song out of this crisis lol
ok Calvin I kept most of your suggs and dropped a few but all in all I think your suggs helped a lot thanks brother for helping me tighten this one up let me know if there is something else I might need or if this ones ready to go.
Ya needs to learn CONDENSING, Methinks! (Ol' Shayne Vaughn was the Master that got me spendin' Time On This facet.) Let's see what I can Sug Up for ya:
Waited in line 40 hours for this show/ T'Hear George Strait singin' soft-&-low/ I couldn't wait t'hear King George Sing/ He'd help me Drown The Fires from My Old Flames!
(CHORUS) So Pour me a cold one while I listen to Strait/ He's Up On Stage, &/man he sure sounds great/ Chasin' 'Way the Memories of Girls I Hate/ Yeah, Think I'm gonna Keep Drinkin'..'Til I Can't See Strait!
I could hear his music Free..on the radio/ But it's WORTH Cold Cash to Catch THIS Show/ To hear George sing "Fool Hearted Memory"/ Warms Up a special place inside of me/
(BRIDGE) I Hate when Out of The Clear Blue Sky/ Those Memories keep Floodin' In/ So let me Toss Back..a Couple More Beers/ Let's Drown 'Em All OUT..Again!/
"KUDOS" Amigo...(K-O-S) the Above...(& I'm workin' towards an Amberbock 6-Pack, Buddy. I don't work cheap, ya know!)
Good Luck with this WINNER!
Big Guy-Hug, Stan
#533125 - 08/18/0702:21 AMRe: Keep drinkiní Till I canít see Strait (rewrite)#2
Thanks for the Sugg Stan I am debating it though I have worked and reworked this lyric and not all sure I wanna keep going I am afraid it could get overworked. I will take your suggs under future reference for future works of mine. Thanks for all your support we all need good Ctitiques to help see a if a good idea is a good idea for sure.
I Like the sugg Except... I wanna keep the blue clear sky reference so as to keep at least three strait songs referenced. But I'll see if I can't work it a little bit more thanks and Big guys hugs your way amigo!