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#531939 - 08/15/07 04:16 AM Deleted by Author  
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Derek Hines Offline
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Deleted by Author

Last edited by ajk; 08/25/07 07:13 AM.

All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#531970 - 08/15/07 08:00 AM Re: Keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait [Re: Derek Hines]  
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PogoDog Offline
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ajk, I read your lyric, obviously, and I gotta be honest... your punchline needs a better joke.

"Iím gonna keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait" is a great line, and that poses a problem because no other line even comes close to matching it. None.

Don't get me wrong... the Idea's great and your intentions are obvious and smart, but the pieces aren't coming together as easily as they should or as clever as a Strait song would. And that should be your goal.

Cheers,
Dog

#531972 - 08/15/07 08:31 AM Re: Keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait [Re: PogoDog]  
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Derek Hines Offline
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I do truly appreaciate you honesty on this one I feel like the whole song smacks of comedy but then I also laugh at my own jokes. Any rate was just wondering if you Dog or anyone else could help me tighten this baby up a bit so it really soars I really like the Hook and I am not loosing that part but the rest I am open to change if some one can come up with a better way to make the hook work. I figure seeing Strait requires "Seeing Him" now this could be at home on the tv I spose but a Live venue sounded better any rate I am open to changing just need some scope as to what it needs thanks all I'll keep writing till I write a hit or till my fingers fall off lol


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#531989 - 08/15/07 10:10 AM Re: Keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait [Re: Derek Hines]  
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bailey bridges Offline
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Hi Derek,

I've read several of yours and it seems to me that you are a better songwriter than I am so there's not much I can help you with.

Now, as a consumer, I can tell you that this song wouldn't entice me just because it's about getting drunk. But, I can imagine that those who drink for sport might get a kick out of this one. I got the humor right away and you've supported the hook as well as it could be supported as far as I can tell. It is a stretch imo. But, it's still funny.

You might consider rewording this part to be more conversational imo.

Well I GUESS I COULD HEAR THE MUSIC on the radio
I didnít have to pay top dollar not to see this show
But to hear George singing live ďfool hearted memoryĒ
It warms a special place deep inside of me

I'll try to get by and critique another one later. Gotta go cook breakfast now. Welcome to JPF. I like to see prolific writers here. smile

Vanessa

#532066 - 08/15/07 02:52 PM Re: Keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait [Re: bailey bridges]  
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Glen King Offline
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Derek: What's this line mean?
"And To choose away the fires from my old flame"
Is this some reference to "They call me The Fireman"? Very clever title, but I don't think the story supports it well enough. It's all about the singer getting drunk to drown out some memories with George Strait's name thrown in. I'd have made it a party song. But, I do get it. /Glen



Visit my music site:
Glen King
#532067 - 08/15/07 02:54 PM Re: Keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait [Re: Glen King]  
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bailey bridges Offline
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I thought he was saying "chase" but forgot to mention that.

Didn't mean to cheat ya Derek.

V

#532081 - 08/15/07 03:24 PM Re: Keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait [Re: bailey bridges]  
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Derek Hines Offline
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Oh no you got it right I got it wrong it was chase lol and as for the fact that it isn't polished yes I agree I need some help supporting the hook anyone got ideas?


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#532090 - 08/15/07 03:45 PM Re: Keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait [Re: Derek Hines]  
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John Hoffman Offline
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Derek,
this is the first I've seen from you. You've got talent brother. Make verse 2 a little back story of the memory he's drowning and you've got a winner.


edit choose to chase straight away.

Good luck,
John


Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
#532110 - 08/15/07 04:52 PM Re: Keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait [Re: John Hoffman]  
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Wolvman Offline
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Nice to meet you. Nice hook. See if any of these changes help.


1st verse
Well I waited in line for forty hours for this show
Starring George Strait, Alan Jackson and others I donít know
I really only came here to hear King George sing
And To DRINK away the PAIN (STING?) OF my old flame

Chorus

REMOVE - GIVES AWAY THE PUNCHLINE TOO EARLY: (And Iím gonna keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait)

I can hear him singing at this live concert
And boy does he sound great
Iíll keep chasing away those memories
Of the girl I used to date
And Iím gonna keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait

2nd Verse
Well HIS music (REMOVE:I GUESS)I could ALWAYS hear on the radio
I didnít have to pay top dollar not to see this show
But to hear George singing (REMOVE:live) ďfool hearted memoryĒ
It warms a special place deep inside of me

Chorus


Well out of the ďBlue Clear SkyĒ
Her memories KEEP coming back
So Iíll just chase it AWAY with
A bottle of JOHNNY BLACK

Chorus


~Wolvman~
#532234 - 08/15/07 11:10 PM Re: Keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait [Re: Wolvman]  
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Derek Hines Offline
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ok there is some changes will work on it more later thanks for your suggestions wolvman I took out the hook on the first part and added a new line. thanks again everyone for your critiques and suggestions


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#532334 - 08/16/07 03:21 AM Re: Keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait [Re: bailey bridges]  
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Derek Hines Offline
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Ok I made some changes to this one maybe for better maybe for worse but here goes anyone crits would be good wanna make this one work well.


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#532374 - 08/16/07 05:49 AM Re: Keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait [Re: Derek Hines]  
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home and loving it
Derek,

I like the changes you have made since the first time i read this. i suppose i would have to hear it. the hook is really strong. i think the way to make this better would be to sing this loud in a george strait show.

-steve


"sing along little hotties in those wet t-shirts" -Tricia "angel" Baker


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=718667
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/stephenbixby
#532387 - 08/16/07 08:31 AM Re: Keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait [Re: Sofa King Bixby]  
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Calvin Offline
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Hello ajk,

I like what ya got started !
Here's my idea's on this one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Till I canít see Strait

1st verse
Well I waited in line, forty hours for the show
To see George Strait, and some I donít know
I was only here to hear ol' king George sing
And to drown the fires from my old flame

Chorus
So pour me a cold one, while I listen to Strait
He's up on stage, and he sure sounds great
And I'll chase away memories, of my last date
And Iím gonna keep drinkiní Till I canít see Strait

2nd Verse
Yeh I coulda' heard his music on the radio
But I paid big money to see this show
Just to hear him sing ďfool, hearted memoryĒ
Hits a warm place deep inside of me

Chorus
So pour me a cold one, while I listen to Strait
He's up on stage, and he sure sounds great
And I'll chase away memories, of my last date
And Iím gonna keep drinkiní Till I canít see Strait

BRIDGE...
But out of the ďBlue Clear SkyĒ
Her train keeps coming back
I try to push her away
Gotta stay off of that track

Chorus
So pour me a cold one while I listen to Strait
He's up on stage, and he sure sounds great
And I'll chase away memories, of my last date
And Iím gonna keep drinkiní Till I canít see Strait

And Iím gonna keep drinkiní Till I canít see Strait x 2



Copyright 2007 Derek Hines All right Reserved



#532420 - 08/16/07 10:28 AM Re: Keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait [Re: Calvin]  
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PogoDog Offline
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ajk (Derek),

I think Calvin and Wolvman gave you the right sugs to help nail this lyric even tighter !!!

Also, I'm new to this forum interaction stuff, so this was a perfect example of good people with great ideas coming together and helping a song along... and without loosing the personality of the original story! Very cool.

thanks for the lesson in respect,

Dog

#532546 - 08/16/07 03:31 PM Re: Keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait [Re: Calvin]  
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Derek Hines Offline
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Wow Calvin I was a little concerned at first of all the changes but by the third read I was hooked thanks for the help I'll make the changes but first I need to make sure it doesn't hurt the melody to much. Thanks hope your ok if I use these after all you did pretty much rewrite a bunch of it lol Maybe I'll give you cowriter credits!


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#532550 - 08/16/07 03:33 PM Re: Keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait [Re: PogoDog]  
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Derek Hines Offline
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Thanks Pogodog and thanks for helping me to see it needed help. Thats really what this forum seems to be throw something against the wall see if it sticks. If you can't figure out why it isn't call a bunch of friends over and see if they can figure it out. Though you maybe wanna buy em a beer if they can lol


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#532624 - 08/16/07 07:11 PM Re: Keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait [Re: Derek Hines]  
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Calvin Offline
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Hi ajk,

Glad you liked the suggestions.
Yes, the melody is VERY important.
No, I don't deserve any credit (but thanks), it was your idea & that's a huge part of the whole thing.
Good luck.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

#532630 - 08/16/07 07:41 PM Re: Keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait [Re: Calvin]  
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Derek Hines Offline
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Thanks Calvin I appreaciate your help I might be putting the changes on hold having a family crisis at the moment so I wont be posting much today take care everyone and keep on writing who knows maybe I'll get a song out of this crisis lol


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#532822 - 08/17/07 06:43 AM Re: Keep on drinkiní Till I canít see Strait [Re: Calvin]  
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Derek Hines Offline
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ok Calvin I kept most of your suggs and dropped a few but all in all I think your suggs helped a lot thanks brother for helping me tighten this one up let me know if there is something else I might need or if this ones ready to go.


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#532887 - 08/17/07 12:13 PM Re: Keep drinkiní Till I canít see Strait [Re: Calvin]  
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Derek Hines Offline
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oops changed the hook a little and forgot to change the title lol


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#532919 - 08/17/07 02:00 PM Re: Keep drinkiní Till I canít see Strait (rewrite)#2 [Re: Derek Hines]  
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"Tampa Stan" Good (D) Offline
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This is a GREAT Idea and HOOK, Bro D!

Ya needs to learn CONDENSING, Methinks! (Ol' Shayne Vaughn was the Master that got me spendin' Time On This facet.) Let's see what I can Sug Up for ya:

Waited in line 40 hours for this show/
T'Hear George Strait singin' soft-&-low/
I couldn't wait t'hear King George Sing/
He'd help me Drown The Fires from My Old Flames!

(CHORUS)
So Pour me a cold one while I listen to Strait/
He's Up On Stage, &/man he sure sounds great/
Chasin' 'Way the Memories of Girls I Hate/
Yeah, Think I'm gonna Keep Drinkin'..'Til I Can't See Strait!

I could hear his music Free..on the radio/
But it's WORTH Cold Cash to Catch THIS Show/
To hear George sing "Fool Hearted Memory"/
Warms Up a special place inside of me/

(REPEAT CHORUS)

(BRIDGE)
I Hate when Out of The Clear Blue Sky/
Those Memories keep Floodin' In/
So let me Toss Back..a Couple More Beers/
Let's Drown 'Em All OUT..Again!/

(REPEAT CHORUS)

"KUDOS" Amigo...(K-O-S) the Above...(& I'm workin' towards an Amberbock 6-Pack, Buddy. I don't work cheap, ya know!)

Good Luck with this WINNER!

Big Guy-Hug,
Stan


#533125 - 08/18/07 02:21 AM Re: Keep drinkiní Till I canít see Strait (rewrite)#2 [Re: ]  
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Derek Hines Offline
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Thanks for the Sugg Stan I am debating it though I have worked and reworked this lyric and not all sure I wanna keep going I am afraid it could get overworked. I will take your suggs under future reference for future works of mine. Thanks for all your support we all need good Ctitiques to help see a if a good idea is a good idea for sure.

Big Guy Hugs to you Stan


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#533160 - 08/18/07 04:21 AM Re: Keep drinkiní Till I canít see Strait (rewrite)#2 [Re: Derek Hines]  
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Aaron Authier Offline
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Just liked to chime in and say your hook is a very clever play on words, good on ya for thinkin outside the box

#533177 - 08/18/07 06:17 AM Re: Keep drinkiní Till I canít see Strait (rewrite)#2 [Re: Aaron Authier]  
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Derek Hines Offline
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Thanks agaian airun I'm gonna have to go read some of your songs now cause I haven't yet and I'm feeling mighty selfish not having done so yet thanks again for the praise


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#533223 - 08/18/07 08:34 AM Re: Keep drinkiní Till I canít see Strait (rewrite)#2 [Re: ]  
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Derek Hines Offline
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Ok Stan not sure when you'll read this but I chopped the verse line back a bit and tightened up the chorus some more as you suggested (shorter lines) so did I hack it too much or izit better?

Big Guy Hugs Bro


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#533320 - 08/18/07 02:15 PM Re: Keep drinkiní Till I canít see Strait (rewrite)#2 [Re: Derek Hines]  
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"Tampa Stan" Good (D) Offline
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It's definitely Improvin', Bro D!

Bridge is kinda weak..still. I'd shed the "Pour Me" line 'CUZ ya got "Pour Me" in da Chorus ALREADY...Remember?

Here's a Sug Bridge: (K-O-S) of course!

Well, Out of the Blue/
Old memories KEEP floodin' in/
TIME TO GRAB ME..A COUPLE MORE Beers/
Let's drown 'em all out..Again!

Keep Up The Good Work, Amigo!
Big Guy-Hug,
Stan (The Ampersand & Amberbock..Man) ;->

#533322 - 08/18/07 02:17 PM Re: Keep drinkiní Till I canít see Strait (rewrite)#2 [Re: ]  
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Derek Hines Offline
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I Like the sugg Except... I wanna keep the blue clear sky reference so as to keep at least three strait songs referenced. But I'll see if I can't work it a little bit more thanks and
Big guys hugs your way amigo!

Last edited by ajk; 08/18/07 02:18 PM.

All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
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