JPF Home Page Forums Week 19 Lyric/MP3 Critique Pick: "Still Playing In My Mind"

Hi Folks,

This week's pick by Harriet Schock for the Mentor Critique is Ben F. Burton III's "Still Playing In My Mind." She will be posting her critique on Monday, so starting now we'd like to get all of your critiques on this. Remember, lyrics/mp3's are not chosen on what is best or worst, but rather what will make for an interesting educational discussion of what was done well, what can be improved and basic building blocks for writing strong lyrics and songs. Please jump in and then once Harriet posts, see if you noticed the same points.

Thanks again to Harriet and everyone who has already participated. If you didn't get chosen (or didn't enter) and would still like a Professional Critique by Harriet Schock, or take a class in person or one of her on-line courses, please check her website at http://www.harrietschock.com.

For now, let's hear your thoughts on Ben's entry! Remember that Ben should not post a response until AFTER Harriet posts her critique.

Al
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Well, since this one got as much attention as a termite in a brick fertilizer factory on board 3, let's see if it stinks as bad as all that.


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/songInfo.cfm?bandID=593192&songID=5514833

Still Playin' In My Mind
© Ben Burton

V1
I was raised on a working farm
In a three room house for five
All covered up with concrete now
'cept an oak tree that survived
V2
Gran taught me to bake johnnie cakes
Three batches at a time
In a rickety wood-burning stove
Somebody'd left behind

Pre ch1
So long ago those days seem now
Packed up like folded Sundays
(But they are still)

Chorus 1
Playing in my mind
Like the swimming hole and the picture show and the old scarecrow
Down to the county line
Playing in my mind
On Maynard's mule, doublin' up for school, using shine for fuel
When we was in a bind
There's a world of lovely yesterdays
Still playing in my mind
V3
Those dirt roads that I walked back then
Have paved their way to this
A massive suite right off Wall Street
Where the devil writes his list
V4
Now it's dog eat dog all day long
And it's brought me lots of wealth
But money can't buy that sweet peace
Where all my mem'ries dwell

In silence I turn back the clock
And think about those bygone days

(And they are still)

Chorus 2
Playing in my mind
The old black and white on a Saturday night without a light
Papa said that we'd go blind
Playing in my mind
Ironing clothes for church, burning Daddy's shirt, but he eased my hurt
Said I had done real fine
There's a world of lovely yesterdays
Still playing in my mind

Bridge
This corporate world is a major pain
My heart and soul get completely drained
When I can't relax inside a drink
I close my eyes, let my mind go blank

Pre chorus 2
And I unpack those folded Sundays
Turn on Gran's old Victrola
(And they are still)

Last Chorus
Playing in my mind
Chasing off the hawks, while the chickens squawked, and the four mile walk
To the store to spend my dime
Playing in my mind
At the county fair Daddy wrestled a bear, Momma didn't care
Said he'd whup that bear's behind
There's a world of lovely yesterdays
Still playing in my mind
Gotta nest of lovely yesterdays
Still playing in my mind
_________________________
Field of Dreams

Good story Ben.
For me. The transisions twix parts lack definition.
The Folded Sundays phrase has me stumped.
But I'm an Aussie of course and that could explain that.
The Rickety wood burning stove left behind is also a wonder to me as the stove is usually part of the house when it changes hands.
Rickety actually doesn't seem a suitable adgitive for a stove to me.
More to do with wood.
Like stairs or furniture.
Burnt out wood stove seems a better choise to me.
Not usual for me to comment on the sing, but I do wonder how you would go with this a tone or two lower, as you seem to be stretching your top spots a bit Ben.
Graham

I like the song and the tune. It can be easily expanded with more instrumentation/backing vocals.

However, I am just not buying into the story. I just don't see this person being a corporate giant -- it just seems like a un-natural pairing of too dis-similar walks of life. Can this happen? Sure it can, but rarely. Now I realize, subconsciously, that this could be a "sexist" thing. Would I have the same opinion if a guy sang this? -- I guess we'll never know!

Also, as a side point, I am tired of the rich telling us how tough they have it.

I think Graham had some good comments on "rickety" and I don't really know what "folded Sundays" means either. Could be photographs?

Thanks for sharing your song.

Kevin

Hey Ben:

I really liked this - great imagery! Thought it sang pretty well for the most part. Liked the chorus...

Two things I'd look at if it were mine:

(1) I think the chorus works pretty well - but I'd try it with two rhyming lines instead of three to see if it worked better. For instance:

Playing in my mind
Like the swimming hole and the picture show
Down to the county line
Playing in my mind
Doublin' up for school, using shine for fuel
When we was in a bind

Yeah, you lose some great imagery but it might work better with this melody. Or maybe I'd try keeping all three rhyming phrases but changing the melody in the extended line. And I might even try all that and go back to what you have now...

(2) I thought the bridge lyric was less effective than the rest. The first two lines just seemed pretty pedestrian to me.

Keep working this though - I think it will be a terrific song. I hear a harmony on the "playing in my mind" line that will make this sail.....

Scott

P.S. I think your V1 and V2 are really just V1. And V3 and V4 are just V2.

Hi Ben,

There's a lot I like about this. As far as the
lyrics, the imagery is great and
I really like the last two lines of the
chorus, (world of lovely yesterdays)
Agree with Graham on the rickety stove. Although the
definition of "rickety" includes old and
dilapidated, I just can't connect it with an iron stove.
A rusted old wood burning stove?

I think you need to soften the view of the corporate world.
Kevin made a great point about the rich complaining about
how tough life is. The narrator can reflect on and compare
the two, but calling Wall Street a place where the devil
writes his list is overboard. And if he hates it so much,
why is he still there?

Folded Sundays? I immediately thought of the Sunday newspaper.

Musically, it was OK for me. I think this song has a lot
of potential.

Diane

Nice imagery...haven't had the chance to listen to it yet.

The story is also kind of what stops me, though. The first verse is talking about the farm being covered up by concrete, and I kind of expected the song to be about that in some way.
Someone else said if the narrator hates his life now so much, why stay where he is.
Maybe the bridge, which doesn't really rise to the level of original images as the chorus, could be about him trying to go home again, but he couldn't. So instead he just closes his eyes...


But the main nit for me was that the images of the past just seemed to cover too long a period of time.
At first it seems like someone making do during Depression -- riding the the mule to school, using a woodburning stove "somebody left behind," moonshine as fuel. Walking four miles with a dime. It doesn't sound like a working farm, it sounds like a dying farm. Very Appalachia.
Even the idea of wrestling a bear at a county fair seems like Depression era Appalachia.

But the distance between the Depression and modern day Wall Street just seems too big, (especially since the market crash pretty much causes the Depression.)

But then you introduce TV, which would have had to have been the middle 50s, anyway.

Anyway, it seems like a song someone could listen to without getting into all those nits, though. Nostalgia doesn't have to be entirely accurate.

A scarecrow at the county line doesn't ring right. Maybe Like the swimming hole and the old scarecrow and the picture show
Down to the county line

One way out of the old place and Wall Street is to not have the singer be rich, but just "thinking" of what might be transpiring there, while he is still an ordinary man with little wealth.

Perhaps his only wealth would be the sale of the property, but it likely changed hands many times before thw bigwigs made a killing!

My dad sold his farm to the gov't for $5,000.00 in '46 and now the asking price is over $1 million.

.. and it was in an islotated part of the county. less than an hour to drive out to the more modern world.. and a TV in 10 years at a new farm with amenities.
annie

Hi Ben,

"So long ago those days seem now" is phrased awkwardly imo.

I'm up to the chorus, and I notice you go to the 4 chord alot(C major in the key of G) in the song. My sug, before I even get to the end of the song, is to rewrite the chords in the verses so that there are no 4 chords in the verses at all. The constant 4 chord in the chorus feels good there to me, but combined with the verses, it's just too much.

Your prechoruses sound too similar to the choruses that follow. You could try something as simple as Am to D in your prechoruses, or a real build style build: Am/Bmin/C/D....IMO staying away from the 4 chord in your pre-chorus is neccessary for a contrast to be felt between the two.

The singability factor gets a 9 out of 10, your choruses are wonderful, as they are, imo. The lyric is great as is, except for that one nit...

Best wishes,
MIke

HiDee Bro Ben, & Congrats on Your Lyric Bein' Picked!

It's overall Nicely-Nostalgic, remindin' The Listener he, too, has come a Long Way from His/Her Roots.

I'd say the Built-In "Flaw" here is No Listener's gonna have ALL this Singer's Memories...BUT, we're gettin' a wee bitta Sermonizing about Losing One's Soul in the Process.

V1 lets us know The Singer's from a Rural Area that got Developed..

V 2 we're Back When the Singer learned to "Make Do"

Pre has the "Folded Sundays" Image which doesn't make Total Sense until Pre-again later-on-down. But it Does pique our interest!

Chorus has MANY a Fine Bye-Gone Memory..nicely-nostalgic (Tho "using shine for fuel? WHY..when there musta been LOTS of Tree Branches for the Same Purpose available Back-When?) Or was this Early "Gasohol"? No Mention of Wheeled Vehicles..so it's a wee bitta confusion on the Listener's Part.

At the Tail of the Chorus, the last couplet's quite powerful...& ya MIGHT wanna Title it thusly, Ben: "(A World of Lovely Yesterdays) Still Playin' in My Mind" Methinks the First Half of that couplet resonates STRONGER, Memory-Retention-Wise with a Listener..than the Latter Half.

V3's Good Plot Acceleration..tho Last Line..Hmmm...there's really no Prep for "The Devil Makes His List"...& frankly, a LOTTA Retirees are countin' on that Stock Market to see 'em thru their Elderly Years, Amigo.

V4 shows How Tortured the Singer is..about his Success There.."but money can't buy that sweet peace" (Back Where/Back When.) (We should ALL be So-Tortured, eh?) ;-)>

Chorus 2 was Satisfyin'..tho "Black & White" at first reminded me of a Cop Car...prolly watched Too Many "Dragnets" as a Kid..mea culpa!

Bridge is a DANDY...& the phrase "Lose my mind inside a drink" was Great Word-Coinage, IMO. The "drink/blank" rhyme kinda "stunk" a bit, tho...(JM Ears I guess.)

PreCh2 Was also Satisfying..as was the Last Chorus..(tho I wanna KNOW "Who WON that Bear Fight..heh!)

What makes this Lyric "Tough" to relate-to is it feels as if It's Sung by Singer's GRAMPA rather than him...(Assuming it's a Modern-Day Singer.) I'm 60+..& MY Grandparents had 33 1/3 LPs left-behind. THEIR Grandparents woulda left behind "The Old Victrola"-mentioned here. I think.

Could be wrong. Anyways, It was An Enjoyable Sermon throughout, & DID remind me of Many a Day Gone By. I always wonder WHY, if someone's attained that Money In The Bank they set out to Acquire, WHY they don't UP and Go BACK to those Roots they Supposedly MISS So Much? (I have former L.A. Friends who actually DID So. I'm close to it myself.)

Anyways, Warts-&-All, I find this Likeable, tho not as-Commercial as some..like "Detroit City" were, in Another Genre, Another Time.

Good Luck with it Ben...these are just MY Opinions & Observations..& I've been Way Off Before, Bro!

Big Guy-Hug,
Ol' Stan

Hi Benjamin.. congrats on having your lyric chosen...
and Harriet.. We're glad you have the well rounded background
to offer these professional critiques. Thank you for your time here.

Ben..I like it. Will say, I did glance through the critiques....
I love your first verse and second verse set up...
Having used wood heat for many years...prior to our last move,
I have to back up the folks that mentioned rickety. I'd think
the suggestion of rusty works..but rickety brings to mind..
wood stove fire.

I'm looking at your chorus now...and after listening to it...
two days ago???..I look and remember the chorus melody...I love how the words flowed one on top the other...Loved Heather's voice too.

I wondered about the word "massive"..It bugged me for some reason.... and I guess, this is a bit hindsight, but I agree
that the contrast of who he is..is maybe a bit overdone.
But had I not read the other comments...I'm not sure it would
have hit me as soon....but the word massive would have....

I also think victrola may be a bit over the top...but I love the color of your wording...I love where my mind goes with the pictures and...because I have lots of older relatives...I can relate to this lyric... I do think the contrast in a few spots
may be too much, though...However, don't think it will take
a lot to smooth it.

There was enough change up melody wise to make it a pleasant listen...for me. For a writer who is just starting to write melodies, I think you're doing SUPER...If I remember right, you aren't familiar with chords (I don't know them either)..but to me, soundwise, if there was to be a change up...I'd take a listen again to the prechorus leading into the chorus... I think there was some similiarity there between pre and chorus.

Overall..a nice write Ben..more to like than not.

Hugs,
kk

P.S...I understood folded sundays..and thought that was cool.


Many Genres Here:
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=8404
Kids Music Here:
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=6469
Andy & Friends CD
http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/kwwg

Ben

One thing I notice about this song is very long. Lots of visual words about the country life.

I love the melody you put in the chorus especially after the hook where a long phrases that almost left the singer reach for her breath when she finished the last word she had to take another deep breath for another round of straight uninterrrupted singing. It's like the girl have to dive deep into the water and hold her breath for 8 seconds.


This is my favorite line.

There's a world of lovely yesterdays
Still playing in my mind
Gotta nest of lovely yesterdays
Still playing in my mind

Lynman

Ben, The song plays out well, but I wonder who the target audience would be for this particular song. I am old enough to remember much of what you are saying and in fact have written similar experiences in the book I wrote on my life, I don't believe that the general young CD buting audience is familiar enough with those experiences to purchase recordings about it. Relative to the lyric, I usually consider a good chorus to have the same lyrics to permit the listener a chance to remember the song and sing along with it- even in their mind. The lyrics in the choruses arn't much differen from the verses they say about the same things except fot the last two lines which do thankfully repeat. The many close rhymes in the song ( some not even close) make it difficult to memorize and that isn't a good selling point. While the melodies are countryish, they seem rather close to others which I have heard. The bit of complaining going on after the nostalgia doesn't work well in my opinion. Unless you are expecting to put a lot of time and money into this song trying to have it done by some noted performer, I would consider it done as is. Frank V.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/songInfo.cfm?bandID=593192&songID=5514833

Still Playin' In My Mind
© Ben Burton

V1
I was raised on a working farm
In a three room house for five
All covered up with concrete now
'cept an oak tree that survived
V2
Gran taught me to bake johnnie cakes
Three batches at a time
In a rickety wood-burning stove
Somebody'd left behind

Pre ch1
So long ago those days seem now
Packed up like folded Sundays
(But they are still)

Chorus 1
Playing in my mind
Like the swimming hole and the picture show and the old scarecrow
Down to the county line
Playing in my mind
On Maynard's mule, doublin' up for school, using shine for fuel
When we was in a bind
There's a world of lovely yesterdays
Still playing in my mind
V3
Those dirt roads that I walked back then
Have paved their way to this
A massive suite right off Wall Street
Where the devil writes his list
V4
Now it's dog eat dog all day long
And it's brought me lots of wealth
But money can't buy that sweet peace
Where all my mem'ries dwell

In silence I turn back the clock
And think about those bygone days

(And they are still)

Chorus 2
Playing in my mind
The old black and white on a Saturday night without a light
Papa said that we'd go blind
Playing in my mind
Ironing clothes for church, burning Daddy's shirt, but he eased my hurt
Said I had done real fine
There's a world of lovely yesterdays
Still playing in my mind

Bridge
This corporate world is a major pain
My heart and soul get completely drained
When I can't relax inside a drink
I close my eyes, let my mind go blank

Pre chorus 2
And I unpack those folded Sundays
Turn on Gran's old Victrola
(And they are still)

Last Chorus
Playing in my mind
Chasing off the hawks, while the chickens squawked, and the four mile walk
To the store to spend my dime
Playing in my mind
At the county fair Daddy wrestled a bear, Momma didn't care
Said he'd whup that bear's behind
There's a world of lovely yesterdays
Still playing in my mind
Gotta nest of lovely yesterdays
Still playing in my mind



This song is really interesting to me for a lot of reasons. The story is interesting, the pictures are present which draws the listener in. I find that if there are enough specific pictures in a lyric, the listener will be drawn in whether or not he or she has ever lived the specifics of the story. If it's general, it has to be the listener's story. These pictures drew me in despite the fact that I had nothing in common with this person.

Melodically, I think it works pretty well. It's a bit derivative but many are in this genre. The problem for me is that pre-chorus, the chorus and the bridge all start on the IV chord with the melody on the 6. In other words, the song is demoed in Bflat and all three of those sections start on an Eflat chord and the melody is on a g. It makes it sound too much the same. I think I've quoted Edna St. Vincent Millay here before who said "Life is not one damned thing after another; it's the same damned thing over and over." This doesn't work with melodies. It's easy to change this and one section is enough to change it in. I'd change it in the pre-chorus and maybe also in the bridge. The chorus needs that chord and melody the most.

I think it's amusing that people have said young people will not relate to these references. Films and novels reference these things all the time. Most people living today never owned a victrola, but that doesn't mean they don't know what one is. This character's grandmother could have gotten it from HER grandmother. In some parts of the country, it's like time has stood still. The singer could be pretty young and still have lived this life. I know people who still have black and white TVs today. I'm constantly amazed by the prevalent fear of youth that occurs with people inside the industry, whether a writer, a song plugger, a record executive or a PR person. We're so terrified that some teenager who's considered our target audience is going to think of us as "over the hill," we're afraid to write anything that might have occurred before the eighties. I hate to break it to these guys, but teenagers are not buying these country records for the most part. They're either downloading for free or buying singles from itunes. It's a sad state of affairs, but it's the truth. And no age-phobia is going to change it. Someone's buying the CDs, though, and they have lived more than 15 years.

I think the word "massive" works in context, but not if she's still saying things like "when we was in a bind." I suggest Ben lose the bad grammar. The chances that the character is a mogul on Wall Street and still says "when we was" are very slight.

At first I had a problem with "the devil makes his list" until I realized that was a very clever way of saying she sold her soul there. I guess the devil makes his list of people who look like good candidates for soul selling. Nice variation on an old theme. Also, the main character is a salesperson, when you think of it. She sells stocks and that's how she makes a living. She has to convince people to do things. Another reason for her not to say "when we was." The language of the third verse is very good. "Those dirt roads that I walked back then
Have paved their way to this
A massive suite right off Wall Street" is a great way of saying where she is now and what she's doing.

Because the melody in the second verse is different from the first, the first and second verses are really just one verse. Ben developed the melody in the second half of the verse and simply labeled it wrong. Same with 3 and 4, of course. I like the long lines in the chorus. It would be "normal" to cut them short, but part of the charm is that they go on like that. I found when I was writing my first album, the very best things in the song would be the thing my publisher had a problem with. Later, he realized it was something that made the song unique. He had simply never encountered it so he thought it was "wrong." Of course, if everyone has a problem with something, you may want to look at it. In this case, I think the long lines work great. I also like the choruses changing. This is a picture song, not a singalong song. If people can't remember all that, let them listen instead of singing.

"Why doesn't she just go back?" A lot of posters asked that. Well, let's take a look at that. She's a whole different person now, having sold her soul to the devil and learned to speak proper English. Who's to say she doesn't go back and visit? But have you ever heard the expression, "How you gonna keep 'em down on the farm after they've seen Paree" (Paris)? Money is very seductive. Not sure she wants to get on Maynard's mule anymore, but as a salve during those times when she's sure she sold her soul for nothing of any substance, the pictures play in her mind. Who knows? Maybe next week, she'll sell everything and move back. For now, it makes perfect sense to me.

My last point is this: I think it's interesting Ben has a woman demoing this song. What is totally not politically correct for a man anymore, is totally correct for a woman in country music. Ragging on your woman is not cool but "Goodbye Earl" was a hit. So I think for a man to say this would not be nearly as effective as for a woman to say it. In many ways, I think Ben has written a very good song, which with a few changes, could be pitched to artists and films. Source cues frequently call for country tunes. (A source cue is a song or music that comes out of a radio or some other source in a film, rather than being underscore.) The melody change would need to occur, though, in my opinion, to show this one off to its best advantage.

Awesome review! There is a lot to digest there, so I will need to come back tomorrow and re-read before I make any comments (tonight is tied up with "playing").

Kevin

Graham, Kevin, Diane, Kaley, & Softkrome,
Thanks to each of you for your comments. It was a slow week for participants, and I truly appreciate ya'll taking the time to offer your views.

And, I especially want to thank those who didn't post a song/lyric (Scott, joyboy, Annie, Mikey,
Stan,& Lynman), yet came to my "rescue" (yikes, without you'd there'd be 5 crits!). I'll just have to try not to take it personally.

Since many of you brought up the same points, and since my computer keeps shutting down (7 times today),
AND since Harriet addressed many of those (breathe here ), I'd just like to do a big "group hug" of gratitude.

Many of you were referring to "he" re. the lyric...wow, even this far removed from women's lib's origins, we're
(and I'll include myself in there ) still having problems conceiving of a female doing this.

I drew from various resources (albeit subconsciously, for the most part). My Grandmother Cates made the best biscuits (even better than my Mama's, and kids came from 3 neighborhoods away to get a crack at hers! ) in the history of biscuitdom, all cooked up in her ancient wood burning stove.

Guess I musta been around 6 or 7 when she finally got a new stove. She was proud as a peacock initially, saying "Good-bye and good riddance to that rickety ol' thang." Well, she cooked several great meals and was happy as a lark with her "fancy, electrical" stove. Until that fateful day when she cooked up her first batch of biscuits, and the diners (diner's being any of a good 60 to 70 kinfolk who might be there at any particular time) had a slightly quizzical look on their respective faces, she bit into one and knew something wasn't completely right. Oh, they were still twice as good as any biscuit in either of the America's, but some teensy thing was missing.

Granny Cates hollered out to the back porch to my Grandad,

"R B. Whur'd you take that rickety old stove off to?"

"I set it off down yonder to the antique store. Melvis gimme five dollars fer it."

"Well, you'd best mosey on back out there, and see has he sold it, an' if he ain't you offer him six dollars to get it back up here!" Seems the wood put an extra crispness on the outer portion of the biscuits.

So, there's the short answer for where "rickety" came from.

And the overachiever in the lyric is probably my oldest (of 5) sister, Irene Collins, who was appointed by Governor Riley as Executive Director of Senior Services, and prior to that she had made some noise in the corporate world with only a high school diploma.

"Folded Sundays" is a simple fabrication, which some seemed to interpret as I intended. In cold storage. Mostly, we visited Anniston on Sundays, so Mama and Irene (sis) could go to "sangin'".

As for the language disparity... I had a hunch it might not fly, but it too is based on reality. Whenever we visit (Granny & Grandad have, of course passed on, but I still have lots of aunts, uncles, cousins in Anniston), well, I pretty much talk the way that 7 year old kid did. By no wise is it done to patronize; that very thought appalls me. Think I got that from Daddy (he's gone, too)...the ability to talk to anybody right on the same wavelength. Why, many was the time I'd hear him on the phone lining up a job talking....well, some of you all wouldn't understand (heck, I didn't myself back then...scared the crap out of me) "ebonically." Daddy made my older brother Jack & me ride that durn truck with him sometimes (he was in the heating and a.c. business), and we'd get to the house, in a black neighborhood, and I'd think, "Lord,Almighty, this AIN'T good!" But they LOVED him. Daddy was a very handsome man...don't know how much that played into it, but over 50% of his business over the years was in black homes, a great deal of that through referrals. Of course, most of that was in a different time, when people were a lot more at ease with each other, regardless of race. Anyway, when I had her reflecting on the past (in the chorus), I tried to kind of do so in a way that her mind is actually hearing those "bad grammar" words.

GOOD GRIEF, I'm sorry ya'll. I lost ALL of this once ^$%#$%#$!@#%^&^, and now I'm rambling on like Thanksgiving homecoming.

Hey, really, thank you one and all.


Harriet Schock,

What can I say other than I love you?! Seriously, I've always gotten embarrassed at compliments (that really meant something) and tried to kid around to hide my embarrassment. (Only, in recent years, that ain't been much of a problem.) But I'll say flat out, I'm so very pleased and humbled by your generous words. I've been a bit down lately, but seeing this truly elevated my spirit...ebullience is bouncing off these walls!

Lest anyone misunderstand, I would have been nonetheless appreciative if her review had been scathing (pro'bly woulda killed myself, but other than that...JUST kidding!)

Thanks, Harriet, You can bet your bippy, I will make the adjustments you have recommended (just as soon as I find out what the heck an "e-flat chord" and a "g" are. )

As Gomer would say, "Thank ye, thank ye, thank ye!" You know, that reminds me, I met him about 20 years ago at a late night spot called "Hogan's Hideaway," on the Southside of Birmingham. You know, he's an Alabama native, his hometown's not too far from Anniston. I swear, he was as genuine as anybody I ever met (paid for our beers, too! ) He...aw, what am I doing?
ENOUGH, Burton!!!

Hey, forgot to mention, ya'll had some good suggestions I'll be using, too.

OK. Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.

Ben

PS Harriet, for the eighth grade poetry festival, I read "THe Ballad Of The Harpweaver" by Millay, and even though I practically knew it by heart, having rehearsed it several times, up there on stage I got a bit too engrossed, and when it came to the part (I still remember the whole poem)

"And when I awoke
There sat my Mother
With the harp against her shoulder
Looking nineteen and not a day older
A smile about her lips
A light about her head
And her hands...on the harp strings
Frozen dead

My voice cracked on "harp strings" and couple of tears escaped on "frozen dead." Now, obviously, it didn't hurt me with the judges, but that was the second most embarrassed I had been in all of my twelve years! Number 1 will remain a mystery.

Good to see you made it through to today Ben.
And yep.
I felt like a dill when i found out it was a girl singing.
I really thought it was a John Denver fan going for a sound alike thing.ff on my part. I thought it was a bloke singing.
And thar ya'all go. Granny can't be wrong, so she said rickety, rickety is the right word.
And yep.
Bisciuts done in a wood stove mostly taste differant, and better to electric or gas cooker ones.
Thanks Harriet.
Graham

The vocal sounds like Heather Cowles. Did she do the demo for you? Definitely take Harriet's advice about the prechorus melody. It would not be difficult to modify the melody and it would make the whole song more compelling and even pitchable.

Hey Ben,
Loretta Lynn owns half of Tennessee and three fourths of the rest of the world and her grammar is still worse than mine and I'm a Texan.
I'd buy it just the way it is.
Good song.
James

Hi Ben -
Was passing through last night and I was so happy to see your lyric hd been chosen for Harriet's critique... you know I enjoy your writing. just had to have a listen!

My favorite part is the flow of the chorus.. love the way the words just run one into the other ... GREAT job!!

I think you told a good story .. not far-fetched ... surely not an everyday story, but not unbelievable. I work in the corporate world and often look at me and say, "how the heck did I get here?" ... corporate yes.. wealth...no :/
As always you created wonderful visuals.

I agree with the need for musical changes.

Great job, Ben .. sorry to be late to the party!
Joanne

I finally got a chance to listen to it, and I guess I'd pretty much agree with what the folks said. Just needs some polishing. Good luck with it.



E-flat and g are easy. I want to know what a bippy is.

Hi Harriet,

Great insight on this:)))) I may not comment about the song in question, but I learn so much from reading your posts about them!
I've never seen someone have such an understanding of songs...
You make it seem easy as breathing:))) Thanks for being here for us!-Dana

Great point, Harriet - one for me to keep in mind...

Scott

Gracious , Holmes !
Look at the stuff you miss when you can't remember yah password , I'm simply beside myself...
Pete

Graham,

"Granny can't be wrong, so she said rickety, rickety is the right word."

Good on ya, mate! Thanks, for being on standby.


SJH,
That would be none other than the great Heather C. Gonna try to do just that.


James,
That is very true (about the coal miner's daughter).
Coming from a Texan, that's high praise, indeed.
Thanks a lot.


Hi Joanne,
Think it was on a Sunday morning I e'd you the first run-thru of this.
Thanks for the sweet words! Much better late than never.


Joyous one,
Well, maybe once you know what they are they're easy, but they may as well be Greek right now.

All those kinfolk I was referring to...well, Aunt Evelyn (Mama's sister) and Uncle Bill (both of whom are living in P.C. Florida now), their youngest is named Vernor. And everybody called him "Bippy." I never thought to ask why. Though I rarely see him anymore (he and his wife, Julie, live in Colorado), I STILL call him Bippy...don't recall ever once calling him Vern. (I'm sure he appreciates it, but hey, I'm a year older...and bigger! )
Though few know it, that's the ACTUAL origin of that word, and that's a FACT!


Egad, Watson

Are you quite done with your assignment of ejecting Miles Gloriosus from the Casbah?

I must say, old bean, you certainly have a penchant for emerging from the cocoon (as it were) at the most peculiar times.

However, now that you have finally revealed yourself, you must hasten to 221b Baker Street, for I detect the vile odor of an old nemesis nearby, and will need your services to help protect the crown.

Chop-chop, Holmes, time waits for no man...Dear me, no, I'M Holmes, yes, this is correct! Hurry along then, Watson, what!

Ben -
I never got an email from you .. I wouldn't have ignored you. Glad I stumbled upon this one.
Joanne

J,

Sent it to you as soon as I wrote it...probably a year and a half ago...'member? Don't know why I remember, but I wrote it early Sunday morning and sent it to you a couple of hours later. Posted it on board one a coupla days later, and you said something like, "it's really shaping up." It was long before I had a recorder because I had a tune from day 1.

Well, I'm 90% certain this is the one I'm thinking of...I know I sent you a few in hopes of you're doing another after Fleur de Lis, but...I can't get the search thing to ever work, or I'd check.

No matter. You probably thought I meant I emailed you recently.
Thanks.
Ben

Yes... I thought you meant you just emailed me.
I don't recall receiving an email way back on this ... however, I don't recall what I had for dinner last night So, I bet you did ...
Joanne, scatterbrain, Lurgio

Harriet, I'm sure that you know it but "How You Gonna Keep "em Down on the Farm" isn't just an expression. It's a song. I have it and have played it many times in my past. As I remember it, it goes:

How you gonna keep 'em down on the farm
After they've seem Paree.
How you gonna keep 'em away from Broadway
Jazzin' aroun' paintin' the town.

How you gonna keep 'em away from harm
That's a mystery
They'll never want to see a rake or a plow
And who the deux can parlevous a cow?

How you gonna keep 'em down on the farm
After they've seen Paree?

I may be wrong about some of the spelling, but that's essentially it. It has a rather unusual melodic form which is nearly AA, but with much variation in the two A parts. I believe that it was written following the first world war after the doughboys returned from Europe. Whomever wrote it certainly had a topnotch idea. Frank V.

Okay JPFers...not much time left to comment on Ben's fine song. Gonna be closing this one down around midnight CDT. So, if you've been putting off your comment, better get it in here pretty soon!

And don't forget...tomorrow starts the new week for critiques. Be thinking about what you might want to submit for Harriet's consideration! The very lovely and equally talented Linda Adams will be your moderator for the coming week.

Al

Harriet,
If you see this before it's shut down (haven't figured the rationale behind shutting it down at this stage...it wouldn't preclude opening the new one ), do you think the same type recording would be sufficient (with the suggested changes) to pitch it, or would a full demo be necessary?

Thanks,
Ben

You might want to demo it if you pitch it to a film because if it's for a scene where something's coming out of a radio, it would have to sound like a record. Similarly, pitching to an artist now can't leave a lot to the imagination. I'll pm you some studio ideas.

Thanks for your participation this week, folks. And don't forget...Linda will soon be opening the thread for this week's entries. All the best to all of you!

Al