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This is a beautiful song I've written with Rebecca Dale...a simple guitar and vocal demo has me very enthusiastic about the potential of this song, we are pitching it and wanted you guys to have a chance to listen...Thanks

Even the Candles Cried
http://www.soundclick.com/pro/view/...&CONFILTERED=song&songID=5334057


Even the Candles Cried
(c) May 2007, Rebecca Dale Peaden (BMI)/Moker Jarrett (ASCAP)

He said he'd be there by nine so she waited all alone
Waiter lit the candles she stared out the window
remembering his cologne
Sipped a glass of table wine
Tried to call but he didn't answer the phone
This'd be THE last time
she knew she had to get up and head on back home
....but she broke down and...

Chorus:

Even the candles cried...when she realized
He'd set her up for another painful fall
He'd spoken outright lies...stared into her believing eyes
Gave her hope --that was the cruelest of all
And as if to sympathize...even the candles cried


She left out walking till she met the dawn
And there in the sunlight stood an old church
that'd once been her second home
Sat down on the pew
Where she'd given her life to Him a long time ago
And there in the stained glass
With arms outstretched was The Man sitting on his Throne
....well she dropped down and...


Chorus:

Even the candles cried...when she realized
He was there to break her-- painful falls
He'd never spoken lies --when she looked into his eyes
He gave her hope --when she had none at all
And as if to sympathize --even the candles cried

Bridge:

On life's long journey when you're broken down
Your plans are crumbling - falling all around
Remember that sunlight thru the stained glass in your eyes
It just might be another blessing in disguise

Chorus:

Even the candles cried --when she realized
He was there to break her -- painful falls
He'd never spoken lies --when she looked into his eyes
He gave her hope --when she had none at all
And as if to sympathize --even the candles cried

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Hi Moker... Lovely Melody...very fitting for the lyrics.... smile

I think the lyrics need a bit more developing...which shouldn't affect your melody side of things...

To me, (and I hope other folks come by and give there thoughts...
because I know I only see parts and pieces...)there needs to be more development of either that first verse.... or an additional second verse...which adds to the character's life story....
and then...the pay off verse...which you folks have in place.

I think the lyrics are good...I just think it needs more before
getting to your 2nd verse. That's my first thoughts as
I read through this a few times...and how it struck me this morning.....

Looks like it's going to be a beautiful collaboration!!...

best to you....
Kaley smile



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HIDee Bro Moke!

"What Kaley Said", Amigo!

"KUDOS" on a KILLER Hook & Choruses..this is destined to be a Great Song! Real Sweet, Sad, Hopefilled Stuff!

Good Luck with it, Amigo!
Big Guy-Hug,
Stan

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Well, I don't agree with Kaley. I love this song as is! I love the imagery in verse one and feel the pain of the character. Love the chorus, just beautiful! And the payoff for me was in chorus 2, beautiful job and inspirational message. Thanks for posting, you got my soundclick vote for HOT.

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Kaley,
thanks for stoppin' in and checkin' this one out...I'm thinkin' of a couple things that might make this a little stronger, but so far it's being received very well and time will tell if it's going anywhere...thanks for the comments...Moker

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Moker,

I have nothing constructive to add except for the fact that I think you have done a great job with the melody. I really enjoyed the listen...this is very pitch-worthy!

Best of luck with this one!
Melissa smile

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Stan,
you da man...thanks for the kudos, I'm pitchin' this whether there's somethin' to fix or not...there's plenty of songs cut that ain't perfect 100% so I figure this chorus and hook might give this one a chance 'til we get the kinks worked out...take a listen to Roll it Up shirley...You'll get a kick out of that lyric I do believe...thanks again...Moker

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Hey Moker & Rebecca -
Listening for the second time ... real nice demo ... sounds great.
Sounds like you are ready to go .. so I am not going to comment on lyrics ... As I listen ... it feels real nice.
Good Luck!!!
Joanne

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Brenda, you made my day with that Hot vote...I like the way the chorus changes to fit what has been said in the verse without changing how it's delivered, meaning the melody basically stays the same for both chorus sections...really glad you enjoyed it and took the time to listen...thanks again...Moker

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Melissa,
Thanks for your encouragement. The co-writer on this Rebecca is a published lyricist and alot of fun to write with. By the way I printed out your lyric about "If You think you'll regret this", I kinda drew a blank on helpin' with the Hammered song, although I still think there's someway to turn that idea into a hit. Regret is chock- full o' good lines, if you are already co-writing with someone on it just let me know, hey, thanks for stoppin' in and listening...anything on Trailer Park yet? Moker

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Howdy Moker (and Rebecca if you're readin' this...)!

Really nicely done! I wouldn't nit ya! smile

"Uncle" Chuck

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Moker,

This is good stuff. Makes a good point, too. People will let us down. God will pick us up. I work with a couple ladies currently (plus a man) who have had the person who was their closest intimate relationship turn on them in calculated cruelty, and abandon them without cause.

When that happens, what you picture here allows perspective, provides comfort, and creates hope. Excellent work. Music matches words. Great performance. Hope you make good use of this. It is a help to those who hear it.

Keep writing.

Skip

P.S. Do you have the "Feet in the Street" piece recorded anywhere I can get a listen to it yet? <SkipJohnson777@gmail.com> in case I miss it here.

Last edited by Skip Johnson; 05/17/07 03:42 PM.
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This is really nice. Awesome hook, lyrics and music. Good luck to you on this, hope to hear it on my radio!


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Joanne,
I'm thankful that anyone listened, and for you to listen twice, makes me smile...I'm optimistic about this song, we are pitching it wherever is appropriate, trying to find it a home...thanks again...Moker

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Howdy Moker and Rebecca,

Love the core of this and the melody. Do have to agree with Kaley on the backstory needing a bit more development here. Only other nit I have is with this line...which seems oddly phrased:
She left out walking till she met the dawn
Makes it sound like she forgot to include walking...which is not what you intended, I am sure.
Perhaps:
WENT OUT WALKING 'til she met the dawn...or even STAYED OUT walking..

All the best with this!! The hook is a killer IMO. Nice work on the music, Moker!

Hugs,
Bobbie

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Hey Moker!

Beautiful song here. The melody seems to help the imagery of the lyrics.
Wonderful job!

Charlann

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Hey Moker, this is a very pretty song. I wish you the best of luck. I was also impressed with the demo and went to Magic Shack's website. They seem very reasonable for a Nashville firm.


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Hi Moker and Rebecca,

I liked this song. When the part was sung about the "candles crying" I was visualizing a darker room/setting with several candles and their wax dripping (obviously not the dripless kind) as if something that could be beautiful was suddenly a picture of tears (wax dripping) and I could really see this.

I know when you hear a song you don't see capital letters etc. but in the read you might want to capitalize the word "him" and change to "Him" in your 2nd verse 5th line to distinguish you mean Jesus (He always gets a capital) and because when I first read I didn't know right away when you said "she had given herself" (I thought you meant she married this guy in the church). I quickly learned you meant Jesus but I think it would help if you fix that detail.

Very nice collaboration, very nice.

Best,
Lynn

Last edited by Lynn Orloff; 05/18/07 01:40 AM.

My Music at Soundclick
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=788266

~call it a blessing or call it a curse, but I see all of life in verse~

Always open to collaborations smile

God Bless Our Military!!!
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Uncle Chuck,
thanks for the encouragement, no nit, that's great to hear...Moker

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Skip,
I was drawn to this lyric by the way it made me feel, and thinking about it I felt it needed a pretty melody and music to bring it to life...I love music of all types but I do believe the ones with a little message woven in are my favorites. I have not posted the Feet on the Street yet, I am playing a large festival show this weekend and between that and my co-writes and well, I just haven't made the time, I will do it and notify you where to find it, and thanks for asking again...I appreciate every visit from you...Moker

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Hi Moker & Rebecca,

A very enjoyable listen, liked it all a lot.
Good singing, who is it ?
Thanks for sharing.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

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Hi Moker and Rebecca,

I enjoyed the listen a lot. Of course there might be a thing or two I would do different, but they are subjective ideas Only....what you have done seems very pitchable! I wish you the best with the venture.

smile jm


perfection is unattainable, excellence is totally within reach

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I'm going to post this without reading the other comments first so forgive me if I am saying the same thing or if am out of whack with the consensus- it wouldn't be the first time. No one can deny, I think, that it is beautifully sung and the melody is very good. But some of the phrasing seemed ackward-not too many people are going to be singing along with this one because it would be too hard- except for the chorus perhaps.

Another thing, and I hate to say it about a song this well done and developed but I don't think the hook is very strong. I can get an image of melting wax to support the image of "crying" but it just didn't connect with me and I was rooting for it to do that.

One small but important note about a line in the chours:

He was there to break her-- painful falls

Now I am a frequent preformer and I can tell you that the word "painful" would choke in my mouth. This is a case of letting the silence speak louder than the word. Not only do you not need the word "painful" but it actually subracts from the song. You have to trust that enough is being said to let the singer relax, take a breath (you pause there anyway- and then deliever the last word.

This one isn't there yet for me but like you said in your intro, this one has a lot of potential.

So is that you on vocal?


"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
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great chorus,I know you willbe fulfilled with this.


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BeckyLee,
thanks and I hope you hear it on your radio too.

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Bobbie,
nice to hear from you, hope all is well...I know how busy you are so thanks alot, we have made a few lyrical changes and will be in an edit session soon on this one...I happen to think it's worth it ;), thanks again...Moker

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Hi Moker, this is an absolutely beautiful song. The melody is extremely romantic. As with any song, it can be nit-picked until the cows come home and you'll never please everyone.

I was closing my eyes and "feeling" the song when one line stopped me: "Looked into his eyes" felt forced. Nothing else seemed forced other than that. I truly believe you could shorten that up to: "Looked in his eyes" and you would get a better flow with that one single line without losing any imagery.

Kathy

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Hi Moker and Rebecca,

This is beautiful on many different levels. However, I'm having a very hard time with the image of the candles sympathizing with her. I can let myself buy into the crying (dripping wax), but I think that actually stating that the candles are sympathizing with her...it's just a little too far-fetched for me.

Also, even if you do stick with the sympathizing part, it works much better for the first chorus than it does for the last two choruses. I think this is because in the first chorus, the candles are crying tears of sympathy. However, in the last two choruses, those candles should actually be crying tears of joy. At least, if I were her friend...I'd be crying tears of sympathy during the dinner with her, but I'd be crying tears of joy with her during the revelation. At that point, tears of sympathy are not really warranted, I don't think.

How about something like this instead of the sympathy line:

Even the candles cried...when she realized
He'd set her up for another painful fall
He'd spoken outright lies...stared into her believing eyes
Gave her hope --that was the cruelest of all
MELTING LIKE HER TEARS...even the candles cried

(Or, "burning like her tears...even the candles cried")

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you both on this lovely one!! Best of luck!!!

Lisa







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Hello...me again!

That tall guy Terry just saw my response to you and wasn't crazy about my suggestion. However, he liked my reasoning behind it...trying to eliminate the candle's too-human-like attribute. He then suggested this, which I love and think is perfect for your song. I asked him if I could post it, and he said okay.

IT CAME AS NO SURPRISE....even the candles cried

Lisa




Last edited by Lisa Gundling; 05/22/07 02:35 AM.
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Charlann,
thanks for the positive reinforcement, we are working this one hard cos we are gonna push like hell to get it cut, it's unique, nice to listen to, and with a little luck we'll have all the nits worked out when we put it in front of the right people...thanks again...Moker

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Betty,
Yeah, it just seemed like a lyric I needed to write something pretty to...the demo place has done a good reasonable priced job. They are all touring musicians, and I hope to have a hit demo'd there any day now...ha...thanks for stopping by...Moker

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Hi Moker,

I've listened to this one several times. It makes me cry every time. So, it's hard to critique. Listened to it on the way to Texas (made an mp3 of it---since I was making one of Kaley's Gethsemane anyway). Hope you don't mind, I gave the CD with the songs to my eldest stepSister I hadn't seen since I was twelve years old (though she helped raise me). She will enjoy your song I'm very sure.

As far as nits, the only thing that I found to be the slightest bit detracting for me was "stared into her eyes". I'm never fond of the word stared when used to describe looking into someone's eyes. You could get away with it here though since the one doing the staring is the one who is being deceptive. You've used "stared" out the stain glass window though so, I would choose to use "looked" again rather than stared. It just sings better.

However, it's taken me a while to force myself to even nit this one.

Oh, Bobbie has a point. It didn't stop me when first reading/listening but I CAN see that it might for some. You could easily remedy that possible hiccup by changing to this:

"She left THERE walking till she met the dawn".

The very best of luck to you both!

My favorite part of this whole song is your hook. I LOVE personification though. And I think it works marvelously here.

Think we'll hear this on the radio.

Vanessa


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deleted a double post, I didn't think it went through...MJ

Last edited by Moker Jarrett; 05/23/07 01:28 AM.
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Lynn,
I've quickly learned that Dale has a way of putting you there with her lyrics,on top of being very professional and genuinely nice and funny, so I'm really glad you told me how it made you feel, it's such a key element. We often get so caught up in what a song says here on this board, that we forget that it's a combination of how the lyrical and musical portions make us feel...if they don't give you a certain feeling one way or the other, then it doesn't have a real shot at much play. Although in the music business, strange things happen...and that's part of what makes it so much fun...all the best...Moker

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Cal,
glad you enjoyed it. Dennis Parker is the demo singer, I think he tours with Tracy Lawrence. You're a good guy, we don't mind sharing with you...ha...see ya...Moker

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JM,
yeah your well wishes are received greatfully, we are doing a bit of tweaking, but that won't stop the pitch, if anybody's ever gonna get a home run, ya gotta be pitchin' to make it happen...thanks...Moker

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Samuel,
I thank you for the time to listen and review this, and I share your approach, I don't like to see what every one else says about something I review or crit, then it's not truly my crit, so I admire that. This song is doing some good things, garnering some attention and we have it headed for a rerecord on the vocal track as we have revised some of the lyric...it's content has been reviewed by a hit #1 writer as I have started to have all of my stuff gone through before I put the $ down for a demo (another lesson learned the hard way from the school of hard knocks...ha)...I'm hoping for the best...thank you very much...Moker

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Nightingale,
kind words from afar can only mean we are headed in the right direction, I wish you well too...Moker

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That's a nice demo, a really nice voice! The only thing that popped out at me was the bridge. It seems like the two parts of the 2nd line are saying the same thing. Really enjoyed this!

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Kathy,
I believe we are addressing that issue on a rewrite that is will be recorded this weekend...thanks for the comments that you enjoyed it, now if I could just get George Strait or Allen Jackson to feel the same way about it...ha...I think either one of them would kill this song...Moker

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Lisa,
I hope everything is good for you. I want to thank you for commecting enough to make a worthy comment on this. I believe Dale has addressed a portion of what you're talking about in the lyric rewrite, on the sympathize part, the words and as if to...before the word sympathize kind of put it in that metaphorical statement position for me, but hey I'm wrong everyday...Again, thanks for the comments...be well...Moker


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