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Who Pushed Humpty Dumpty?
by Samuel J Harris

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king’s horsemen and all the king’s men
Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again

Humpty Dumpty was cracked and broke
Humpty Dumpty was oozing his yoke
He called for his nurse, his lawyer and surgeon
But his nurse brought a bottle, his lawyer a bill,
And his Lords brought a platter of sturgeon

Humpty Dumpy just couldn't wait
So Humpty Dumpty got some Scotch tape
He wrapped it around his sad shell and said
"Somebody pushed me. Off with his head!

Humpty Dumpty was mad as a hatter
Humpty Dumpty reached for a ladder
He propped it against that crumbly old wall
And climbed to the top more than 40 feet tall

Humpty Dumpty looked over the edge
Humpty Dumpty peeked through the hedge
And there by the castle afloat in the moat
Was a suspicious subversive submersible boat

Humpty Dumpty called to his navy
"Look" he cried crossly, "the waters are wavy
The subs sinking slowly, it's getting away!
Seize it before it reaches in the Bay!”

Admiral Atwater was quick to respond
He quickly dispatched his whole fleet to the pond
With his sword in the air he motioned attack!
Then he heard a tiny, wee voice in the back

"Admiral your honor, I beg your pardon
But I think our whole fleet is dry docked in the garden
Our destroyers and frigates I fear, decomposes,
The cruisers are filled with petunias and roses"

Humpty Dumpty screamed "Admiral your fired!
How could you let the royal navy get mired
In dandelions, ivy and tangled blue bonnets?
You can't launch a fleet when there's daisies upon it"!

So Humpty Dumpty called out his Battalion
The bravest and finest whose royal medallions
Declared them the best men to ever ride horses
The Kings Royal Calvary- Elite Special Forces!

The royal battalion presented their Arms
Commanded by General Jeosephat Barns
"We are ready to fight for your honor," he said
"We'll hunt down that traitor and take off his head"!

General Barns then commanded, "Fix bayonets!
Stand by to charge bravely and blow coronets!
The sub has descended to the depths of the bay
Charge to the water. You must seize it today!"

Humpty Dumpy said, "General please, but
Can you tell me exactly what weapons are these?
They appear to be polo sticks, golf clubs and racquets
And your uniforms are skivvies and leisurewear jackets!

And these creatures you ride in my Royal Battalion
Are ostrich and emu's, not royal stallions!
Are these polo and tennis and golf balls munitions?
Who let the king's army sink to such a condition?”

“Your royal Immense-ness", said Jehosaphat Barns
“Our battalion possesses the latest in Arms
They are environmentally friendly and maintenance free
We have used them for year's now, some twenty- and- three

The ostrich and emu are imported from Spain
And because they have the best traction in rain
They are perfectly suited to our island's conditions
When managed and care for by Royal technicians”


Humpty Dumpy started to quiver
From the top of his crown to the depths of his liver
His temperature rose and then his shell shook
His yoke started sizzling and he started to cook

What happened next was- his yoke stopped leaking,
His shell popped off and his knees stopped creaking
His temper exploded and his anger uncoiled
That's when Humpty Dumpty became "Hard Boiled"

..The story continues based on acceptance of proposal…

Tyrants and despots are born every day
So I think it is best if I watch what I say
I have nothing to add and I'm not feeling well
And the rest of this story is too gory to tell.

This is fun, Joe, terrific work. At first I thought it would bog down with the parody, but it took on a life of it's own. My favorite line: a suspicious subversive submersible boat

Good language good string of ideas and images.

All the Best,
Mike

Fun, a real word-loosening exercise. Your next lyric will come to you more easily, and flow even more rhythmically for having pursued this one. I too like the suspicious subversive submersible boat, very Dr. Seussian.
Corrections: 'your' is the possessive, belonging to you. 'You're' is the contraction of 'You are.' Calvary is the hill where J. Christ was slain by the collusion of church and state. 'Cavalry' are mounted soldiers, as in 'cavalcade.'
I still want to know who pushed Dumpty.

A fun and creative poem that's written well.

Do you really think that first stanza is needed though? Everyone (unless they're alien) knows who Humpty Dumpty is. Not a big deal...just a thought for you to consider.


~Christine

Mike, that is what is fun to me about writing for children or attempting to, because I never set out to write a parody; I was just curious about what might have happened to humpty dumpty; so Christine, I think you are right that the story doesn't need the first verse, that is just where I started. When I wrote "oozing his yoke", I said, wow this is good fun, let's keep going. There was not a lot of rewriting because I was just kind of following the thread and it kept getting crazier and crazier, Someday, I will finish it and reveal who pushed the poor fellow. I don't even know, I'll have to write it to find out but I think it will probably be another major nursery rhyme character.

Gary, you are exactly right, we need to get wild and free in our written expression once in a while just to loosen the creative force that we try to employ as songwriters. I don't like rap too much but the best of it does have a free form creative association, and when it gets really unhitched from constraints, it can get really interesting. I wanted to do a parody of rap a while back when I was angry with what my teens were listening to. The problem with that is, you have to be really on top of the game to pull it off because the chops have been honed for years now and the kids could detect a phony rap in a mili-second.

Just another conspiracy theory.