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#309527 05/01/03 04:49 PM
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xxxxxxx
#309528 05/01/03 08:38 PM
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Congrats, Amigo...

SHORTEST Lyric I ever SAW!

"KUDOS" to the Zen Master!

Big Guy-Hug,
Stan

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I think this would make a good instrumental! [Linked Image]

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I'll cry and light a torch song
With these gasoline tears
Been playing with fire all my life
And burning myself for years

Every tale of star-crossed love
Ends the same way
Make a vow then find out how
forever's just another old flame

I've got no one but myself to blame
For falling in love too soon
And a broken heart is just
A self inflicted wound

Find the words that make it better
try and describe your pain
pour them all out into a letter
Get em all wrong again

Another red stamp on an envelope
That says return to sender
Is never enough to crush the hope
Of the great pretender

(chorus)

(bridge)
Paroled arsonists, old gigolos and junkies
Drown their sorrows in the dim lights of the bar
When the nature of your sins appears upon your skin
You find a dark place where you can hide your scars

(break)

Once I played the fool
I wore my heart upon my sleeve
Now I keep it hidden
And locked inside my chest

"Its a cruel, cruel world
Full of parasites and thieves"
Said the man who sold me
My brand new bulletproof vest

(chorus)

Last edited by duffycat; 03/06/07 06:42 PM.

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Don't pay and attention to those "comedians" Duffy, <G>
I'll try to remember to critique your song tomorrow
Wy

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A lot of great lines in this piece. It's dark but really expressive. You may want to label the chorus. It took me a little while to figure which one it was. I look forward to hearing the music.


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Hi and welcome back,

Yes, it's a very intense lyric. Well written in my opinion. And I'm just now beginning to appreciate lyrics that have the primary purpose of evoking strong emotions. So, it's difficult for me to comment---I'm so ill equipped to critique. But, it did evoke a deep sense of the singer's despair and maybe bitterness? For some reason it reminded me of the picture of Brittney Spears with her head half shaved on the cover of People magazine (saw it in the grocery store last week). Painful to see. And I can't help but be sobered by it. Last week someone mentioned Brittany Spears in the shout box and I found myself not wanting to discuss it----so I made a joke instead. Truth is, pain like hers or anyone's is nothing to laugh about. So, your lyric reminded me of that. In that regard, it's quite powerful.

smile
rd

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Thank you for your words of reassurance......I was a bit red faced when I saw my "posting" yesterday..I was actually curious about the award winners' songs and stopped by the forum for old times sake..........I had no idea there would be a four year old anything related to my participation within the JPF community...So call it a happy accident..I laughed when I saw those responses to my phantom lyrics. I look forward to reading your critique of my wayward entry.


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Thank you for the kindest compliment a neophyte songwriter could hope to receive..that my effort evoked an emotional response good or bad.. And the Brittany comparison was a perfect representation of what I was trying to get across..I mean..I've been there myself (minus the paparazzi)) I wasn't trying to make fun of the pain itself, only how pathetic and absurd it all seemed when I came out the other side of it and looked back at myself and the person who wasn't worth it, which i knew, deep down, 10 minutes after "hello".


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Thanks Jean I'd just put the vocal track on the dwemo core ..drums/bass/guitar and spend yesterday afternoon discussing 2nd guitar effects & style, and what other accompanyment would serve the song best...So, Hopefuly I'll get it out there this week...


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Yeah, a lot of good lines. As a song it may need some tweaking. The C is set up practically the same as the verses. would probably be better if it "stood out" more in rhyming, line length, number of lines or some combination of those.
In the V after the C the "person" seems to change, which might work, but then in the last two sections, it changes back to 1st person again.
Nevertheless, you write very well and it's a good story.
Wy

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thanks for the input Lloyd and the good thoughts too. You're right about the find tuning and the mixed pronoun thing. I'm out of town and I wrote these lyrics on the fly, in response to the aforementioned gaffe and the response to it. I didn't stop to edit and some of the verses have some superfluous(?)wordage that appear sometimes when I'm singing it when I'm tired or feeling little undisciplined due to that dreaded third martini...When I get home I'll send the transcribed version which I honestly haven't looked at for quite a while...If you'd let me know whether or not it's an improvement then I can get a better idea of seperating the pearls from the placeholders storyline-wise...


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Howdy DuffyCat!

Wow! Really sparks for me! smile

That Wy knows a few things. Seems like he brought up everything I could think of... which wasn't that much.

My favorite bit was verse one... Nice! smile

KUDOS!

Chuck Crowe

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Are you open to some exploratory, alternative lyric tweaks?

Self-Inflicted Wound © 2007? by Duffycat
(Always put your copyright claim when you publish your work)

I'll cry and light a torch song
(interesting. Never heard 'torch song' used like this)
With these gasoline tears. (And never heard of 'gasoline tears'. Good lines)
Been playing with fire all my life (I'd say "I've" to make this sentence clear)
And burning myself for years.
Every tale of star-crossed love
Ends the same way ('the same way' is vague)
(How about "Ends a cryin' shame" or "Ends with love in vain" or "Ends with sorrow's pain" or "Ends with love's disdain" or "Ends with nothing gained" or you can go on through the alphabet, to see if you find & like a better rhyme in a more meaningful or descriptive line.)

Make a vow, then find out how ('You' make a vow...)
forever's just another old flame.
I've got no one but myself to blame
For falling in love too soon,
And my broken heart is just,
A Self-Inflicted Wound.

Find the words that make it better.
Try and describe your pain.
Pour them all out into a letter.
You know you're writing in vain. ("in vain" contradicts the 'make it better' sentiment of the first line. We do of course, often hope and then despair again, so it may be just what you want here. I wonder if, given the persistence of hope in the next lines, if you want to keep it hopeful, or acknowledge that hope/despair conflict so natural to the human condition.)

Another red stamp on an envelope
That says return to sender
Is never enough to crush the hope
Of the great pretender (Here I want to add "With the Self Inflicted Wound.")
(It may not need an immediately close rhyme line at all. Ya think?)
(chorus)
(bridge)
Paroled arsonists, old gigolos and junkies
Drown their sorrows in the dim lights of the bar
(instead of 'dim lights,' maybe, 'haunted bar)
When the nature of your sins appearS upon your skin,
You find a dark place where you can hide your scars
("And your Self-Inflicted Wounds")(Again, standing alone without rhyme line)

(break)
Once I played the fool.
I wore my heart upon my sleeve.
Now I keep it hidden
And locked inside my chest. (If you lock it in a 'tomb' then you could rhyme...)
"Its a cruel, cruel world.
Full of parasites and thieves,"
Said the man who sold me
My brand new bulletproof vest
(The 'vest' is too something, too real.) ('tomb' could rhyme with, "Said the man who gave me, My Self-Inflicted Wound." The 'man' being him, himself, talking to himself.)
(chorus)


There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
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Thanks for the input Gary! I'm definately gonna put some of those ideas to use..

Jeremy


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Thanks for the rencouragement Chuck!


xxxxxxx

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