JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 The Good Book (Not what you think)

This is a little scary for me... I haven't posted many lyrics in a long while and I'm not sure if this one is working yet. It is DEFINITELY not what I set out to write at ALL. Not sure where it came from, but please let me know what you think and thanks in advance!! (I'm not even sure if I'm posting this right. First time posting a lyric on the new board)

The Good Book
Cindy Miller, BMI
© January 5, 2007

VERSE
Tracing letters with his finger
He slowly turns the page
All the while he sits and wonders
Why he bothers every day
He heard this book could change a life
Yet his remains the same
He wakes, he sleeps, he reads alone
And there’s no one else to blame

REFRAIN
He thinks sometimes the clarity isn’t worth the fight
When the hazy memories have kept him up all night

VERSE
Seduced by the bottle
For over half his life
He knows his bartender better
Than he knew his former wife
Out of bad excuses
And used-up alibis
Again he hits his knees
And prays tonight’s the night

REFRAIN
(Yet) he thinks sometimes the clarity isn’t worth the fight
When the hazy memories have kept him up all night

VERSE/BRIDGY THING
Flipping through the book again
He finally finds the words
Reaching out to speak to him
In ways they never could
The pages…tinted yellow
But the message plain to see
“If you’re ready for salvation
We meet once a week”

(Alternate Ending)
Then one night he told himself
He’d read the book once more
Pulled his tattered bible out
From his bedside drawer
Tucked between the pages
Was a note he’d never seen
“If you’re looking for salvation
We meet once a week”

REFRAIN
He’s praying the clarity will be well worth the fight
To accept the memories that kept him up each night

TAG:
He'll take one minute, one hour, one day at a time
To accept and release all the memories he finds

Howdy Ms. Tink!!!

So great to see you back in the proverbial saddle!

And you haven't missed a beat here as far as I'm concerned.

Thanks for this!

Uncle Chuck

Thanks Unca Chuck! Can you tell me which you liked better in the last verse, Salvation or Sobriety? I figgered Salvation could mean both spiritual and libational ;), but does the same message come across? whaddya think?

Anyway, thank you so much for your very kind reply!!

Tink

Hiya Tink! I think "salvation" works here better than "sobriety". Good work !

Dave

One vote for Salvation... Hi Cindy, how's things, any sports coaches need taking care of...ha! Oh and my best guess is there's an AA book; imagined it would be a pamphlet, or am I missing something?

Hi Tink,

Enjoyed the read

Reaching out to speak to him In ways they never could

(Never could before)????

Salvation works for me. Can take it as reading the Bible or an A.A. publication.


Good Luck
Bill

Hi Dave and thanks. I like Salvation best, too, but the second thoughts got the best of me...

Thanks again,
Tink

Tink,
This is well written. There are a few things that gave me pause.
One, please use ANY reference but Cap'n Morgan. Think that 'un's
about used up.
I'm having a little problem seeing him as a drunk, while still
reading the bible and hitting his knees nightly. Not to imply
that's unrealistic (that he prays for deliverance), but the image
of him with hooch in one hand and a boble in the other is hard
to conceive.
Further, if he's up all night, when does he do.....whatever...
These 2 lines are redundant:
Out of bad excuses
And used-up alibis
I like the alibis. Think about new information for "bad excuses".
Overall, I think it's quite a good approach.
Ben

Hi Ritt! (funny story about that. When my youngest was 2, all her K's sounded like T's. We have a neighbor whose name is Rick and she always said, "I wanna Hi Ritt". That meant she wanted to tell Rick "Hi".) Okay, enough of that!

Thanks for the lookin, likin, and sayin so! And actually, it's not an AA book or pamphlet. Before I give it away, I"m going to see if anyone else gets it.

Tink
p.s. Nope, no naughty coaches this year. You have a memory like a steel trap, don't you? That's one of the reasons I love ya!!

Hi Tink,

This is the first lyric of yours that I've had the pleasure of readin' & if this is rough because ya haven't written in a while, then I'd love to read what you feel isn't..because this is on the money.

& I'd like to vote for salvation as well. That leaves it open for both interpretations and will speak to a wider audience.

& in my opinion...I was thinkin' Bible the whole time...not sure if that's what ya meant...but that's what I got out of it.

kudos!

Bree

Hey Bill, I know, I know.. the grammar sucks there, don't it. And if Bobbie's watchin, she'll surely catch it too. I was using "poetic license" and not going for correct English... It's wrong, but I do it from time to time.

Thanks for the thumbs up on Salvation, I removed Sobriety altogether.

I shall ponder your point, my friend!
Tink

oh wait....DUHHHH....

It's the yellow pages!

Did I get it??? LOL

Bree

ding ding ding ding ding... I'm out of order here, but we have a winner! Bree, YOU GOT IT! Thanks girl. I can tell you and I have the same way o' thinkin!

Thanks!
Tink

grrrrrr and here I thought it was Green Eggs And Ham...Sam I Am.....grrrrr...I mean if that doesn't sober somebody up~~~~

Hi there, Tink! Been a long time since I've read and commented on anything of yours. I had no doubt I would like this, as you rarely ever wrote anything I DIDN'T like.

I got that you were referring to the Yellow Pages, but not until it got to that point. Somehow, it came across as the answer to a riddle. Not sure what to make of that. Guess I need to read it again.

In the refrain, I thought maybe there should be more of a contrast between the clarity not being worth the fight, and the hazy memories. Hazy memories are probably what he was going for, which is why he's drinking. Maybe instead, the VIVID memories are what's keeping him up at night. Not sure if I'm being clear, but I'm thinking....

He thinks sometimes the clarity isn't worth the fight
The ALL TOO VIVID memories have kept him up all night

Your time away from writing or posting hasn't affected your naturally wonderful skill with the written word. I enjoyed reading this.

Greg

oh Tink... you worry too much LOL
You've still got it... no doubt about it

I have to be the exception here....
Sobriety is a clearer word, less confusion as to the meaning...and what book and all...
But... not such a great word "poetically" <sigh>

In the sense of clarity...I like it better than Salvation.
because Salvation... makes me think he is reading the bible...
and unless it's a hand written message inside the cover or such... it seems out of place to be reading it there.

I would opt for a third word choice there...
and being distracted at the moment... I can't think of what it would be
(big help...I know

but overall, otherwise.... this is good!
the kind of song I could really get into singing...

I think this paints a great picture of the struggle this person is going through - Salvation fits much better to me. I particularly like the first verse "Tracing letters with his fingers" it pulls you in.

Hi Tink,
How about " he knows his bartender Better" not as cutesy but more relatable.
Good one,
Rick

Hi Tink,

still thinking about that Sobriety/Salvation spot

I'll throw out some ideas...

Renewal
Relief
Recovery* (my choice)

*Most alcoholics who now have things under control do NOT refer to themselves as "cured"
Most often I think they say Recovered (or recoverING) alcoholic since the battle never really goes away....

same deal as when I refer to myself as a survivor... my traumas of youth are over... but the memories are, of course, not...but I survived...and that's an ongoing thing...
as is "recovery" from alcohol or drug use



just my thoughts

Tink -

I agree with staying away from the Captain Morgan cliche.

I'd take a look at it again with the book actual being the bible and not the yellow pages. For me it worked until that idea slapped me in the face at the end of your "verse/bridgy thing"

Maybe if he found an old note tucked in the bible that reads “If you’re ready for salvation We meet once a week” and it finally speaks to him ...

It is a good start - and welcome back.

Hi Cindy,

This is a good lyric and sometimes time away produces good stuff when we come back. Just wondering about your third verse 4th line it confused me a bit. Was wondering if you could change to something like this (which would also keep your rhyming scheme with your two verses above). This would work if I understand it to mean the man is getting ready to speak to God.

Flipping through the book again,
He finally finds the words,
Reaching out to speak to him,
Since now his heart has heard,
...........

Best,
Lynn

Hey there MZ Tink!!!!
Howzyabin!?! Happy New Year, too!
You haven't lost a beat dear!
I agree with everything Marty just said.. a note could be on a paper faded yellow or something .. I think the strength you give the book just doesn't fit with a telephone book...ie vs 1
"He heard this book could change a life
Yet his remains the same
He wakes, he sleeps, he reads alone... " not sure if you need the twist. jmo

good to see ya!
Joanne

Hey Tink. Welcome back. You have a very clear cut idea here that with a few tweaks will shine even more.

What needed to be said has been and so I'll just repeat myself, Welcome back.

Douglas

Hi Tink,

I'm with the camp who thinks that this doesn't need the twist! If you do stick with the yellow pages, then I think that this line could be an overstatement about the yellow pages (at least, I've never heard it referred to in that way)...

He heard this book could change a life

Very nicely done!

Lisa

Like riding a bike, ain't it?

I like it a lot Mrs. M, 'specially the bit of a twist at the end. Y'know I'm a sucker for a twist. I really don't have a lot to add here, except that I do agree with losing the Morgan reference (the 'bartender' suggestion was good), and I thought Greg's thoughts about changing the memories from hazy to vivid was pretty smart, too. Or (a little cliche, but) maybe the memories could be haunting, or something in that line...

Cindy!!!!!!!

Coming back with a big bang, I see! And your muse hasn't lost a thing except a little time. I liked Rick's suggeastion of using Bartender instead of Captain Morgain.

As i was doing a little head tune, and singing quietly to myself (quietly, for the benefit of everyone close by), I really stumbled when I came to this little run of words "...will be well worth..." in your last refrain. Try saying that aloud, alone singing it...it ain't easy! That's the only nit I have. Even though they are mildly redundant, don't have a probelm with excuses and alibis back-to-back.

I am fine with the "ggod book" being the yellow pages...that's what gives this the unexpected twist. If it was indeed the Bible, I think some of the suspense of the lyric would disappear and the excitement of the twist would be gone.

Only other thing I want to say is "Dawg-gone good writing! Your hiatus has induced no diminishing quality in your work. You are still the fabulous lyricist you have been for quite some time. Give your muse whatever she wants to eat and drink if it will keep her happy. It is SO NICE tyo have you posting again.
Hard to believe that we've been on these boards together for nearly 6 years, huh???!!!

Best to ya. As many hugs as you want going out your way!

Alan

Okay, I agree. I think I'll go with "Bartender" as Rick suggested, that works well.



Hmmm, I'm not sure he's on the bottle at this point and the Bible was not the book I was looking for, though that's what I wanted you to think till the end... Not sure that's making it through clear enough or if it's working at all. I'm so out of practice, it's scary.

My thought while writing was that he's struggling, but wasn't sure he had the bottle in his hand. Good point though. I know this needs work.



Good question. I'm not sure I understand the question... sorry, sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees. Like the time I used the shout box to find out where the "chat room" is.



I know it's redundant, but I'm trying to show how much he's done it. You certainly could be right.

Thanks for such a thorough look at the lyric. I really appreciate it.

Tink
p.s. I sure hope I did the quote thingy right.

So nice to hear from you. I've read a lot of nice things about you and really loved "I Break Mine". As I said, it really spoke to me!



I'm liking Salvation better too. Sobriety was really an afterthought. Thanks!!

Thanks so much for readin and replyin, I really appreciate the feedback!!
Tink

Hi Greg!!!! It has been toooo long. And don't worry about not reading or commenting on something of mine for a long time, cause it's been a LONNNNNNNG time since I've written or posted anything. I've done some collabs with Accel on the MP3 board, but I've been hard pressed to produce a lyric on my own for a really long stretch of time!

And if you didn't get the yellow pages bit until the end, then you got it as it was intended. Honestly, all along, I was leaning towards the Bible, but when I got to the end, I thought it was actually a boring lyric and needed a punch. Hence the yellow pages.

Actually when it comes to hazy vs vivid, I really wanted to say hazy, but maybe cloudy or clouded is a better word. I don't know if you're a drinker or not, but I've had a few nights when I couldn't quite remember what happened while I was intoxicated and NOT remembering did cause a sleepless night or two wondering if any indiscretions had ocurred, does that make sense? That hasn't happened in a very long time, but it has happened.

You are so kind and such a wonderful friend, Greg. I sure do appreciate you taking the time to stop in and visit with me about this. I miss all you guys like crazy!

Tink

Hi again Tink,
I'm in the lose either excuses or alibis camp. I was thinking maybe:
"Out of bad excuses,
tired of telling lies" or
"not believing his own lies"
People who slide into alcoholism very often end up lieing to those they love and themselves.
There needs to be a harder edge to this if it's gonna have real impact. I'm not feeling any of his pain, and it's pain that would make him seek more than the bottom of a glass.
Rick

Hi Tink

Just wanted to stop in and say hi...When I first started posting a few very fine folks suggested I look at your writings to help me with mine. I did some and enjoyed, but frankly it's hard enough to keep up witht hw new posts, so i'm glad you are posting again.

For this piece, and I haven't read everything others have said, I'm thinking the yellow pages are a bit of a let down....to me, I liked the idea of the aa book. jmho

also I have to add the baby falling down the stairs is disturbing Best of luck with this! jm

Mmmm Tinkapooh, I'm in the "yellow pages!!!!?????" camp because really, it is not a book as you describe it in V1....but finding it on a faded piece of paper in the Bible is IMO the angle you want.


The rest is pretty solid and the bartended looks great on the job


And of course a big BSH atcha

Ok, Tink....

I'm gonna have to throw in a vote for JV's idea. This guy's readin' a Bible...maybe one he found in a hotel nightstand drawer and after readin' & readin' it he comes across a faded, torn out page FROM the Yellow Pages with a listing for a church that "meets once a week"

Man that would make a great video!!

Bree

Tink,
I really like the story...but the title may be hard to pinpoint if this were heard on the radio.

One suggestion:
(All the while he sits and--In his Ain't Easy chair he wonders

Hi Tink,

Very good job.
And you've already got plenty of suggestions/direstions.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Aww, that's why I love this place. It's like coming home again. No matter what I've done, you still welcome me with a warm embrace.

Thanks Harriet for coming back after this with three word choices, all very good ones too. I'm still working this one out. I don't believe it's there yet, as many have pointed out. Thanks so much for your help and for your friendship.

Thanks girl,
Tink

Thanks so much!! I try to use the first line to grab ya. I'm so pleased it worked this time! And thank you for the thumbs up on salvation.

Tink

You ROCK, Rick!!! That is perfect!! And this lyric doesn't need cutesy at all, so his bartender is the winner. I appreciate the suggestion!
Tink

Well Marty, thanks for the idea. It's a good one and I actually wrote a little alternate final verse/bridgey thing a few minutes ago. Tell me what you think:

Then one night he told himself
He’d read the book once more
Pulled his tattered Bible from
His bedside drawer
In between the pages stuck
A note he’d never seen
“If you’re looking for salvation
We meet once a week

That probably needs some tweaking, but is that closer to what you were thinking?

Thanks for making me use my noodle!
Tink
Gotta run for a while, heading down to Omaha for an appointment. I'll try to get back to the rest of you this evening. Thanks for all your help!

I do not like them in a box.
I do not like them with a fox.
I do not like them in a house.
I do not like them with a mouse.
I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them anywhere.
I do not like green eggs and ham.
I do not like them, Sam-I-am
And hodey, hodey ho, I told my friend
The good Lord, I'll never drink again

Usually when I try to lead I just step on the lady's toes. But you got it, that's where I was trying to push you.

Now my question is a structure thing - reading it this feels like just another verse. Should it break the mold a bit and be more of a bridge?

Wow, Tink, I love this. How bout this?

“If you’re ready for salvation
You must accept (or worphip) me”

I think Marty's idea nails it Tink... Excellent writing as always. I think I'd lean toward it being a bridge.

Hugs,
Kaley......

Yeah, you're right, Kaley. Marty's really does. Lord have mercy that Tink is good, isn't she?

I'm not sure about that, but I sure appreciate it. I mentioned to someone that maybe I oughta try writing while under the influence of Nyquil... you know, in those moments between being slightly awake and nearly asleep? That used to work for me.


Thanks Lynn, for the suggestion. This one still needs tweaking and I am considering all your ideas. I appreciate the help!! Feels good to be back. Wish I could be here more!

Tink
...........

Hi Tink,

REFRAIN to Final Verse

REFRAIN
(Yet) HE'D SOMETIMES THINK the clarity WASN'T worth the fight
Hazy memories KEEPING him up NIGHT AFTER NIGHT

THEN TRIPPING through the book again
He STUMBLED ON SOME words
That REACHED out to speak to him
IN A VOICE HE'D NEVER HEARD
Tucked between the pages
Was a note he’d never seen
“If you’re looking for salvation
We meet once a week”

The fact that it is a note within the Bible and not the Bible itself
that changed his life for the better, is enough of a pleasant surprise.

Hey Joanne! Thanks and happy new year to you too! Things have been good and I hope the same is true for you!!



that seemed to be the concensus - hope the new last verse works better. It's headed for musicking as we speak, so we're trying to hammer out all the lyrical details!

Thanks for the kind reply and here's hoping it will be a wet year for writing!

Tink

Hi Douglas, thanks so much for your kind comments and for the welcome back. It feels good to be here. I sure hope I'm able to contribute more to JPF in 2007, it's a great place to be!
----------------------------------------------------------------

Hey Lisa, and thank you also for your comments. It looks like the twist I had was unnecessary, yet with the new final verse (along with some of Terry's suggestions, also) it keeps the twist, just a different kind of twist. Thanks again!

Tink

Yes indeed.... I DO like the new ending
Can't wait to hear it with the music!
Joanne

Hi Tink....you know I couldn't let your first post in a while slip by without me even at least saying hi. Read this one a while back and didn't comment at the time because I'm out of confidence when it comes to critiques and so I cheated and waited for everyone else to comment first. Love the new last verse - the yellow pages didn't quite do it for me. Keep them coming and love to you. It's so good to be back here. Cheers, Judy