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"Dwell"
by bennash - 12/06/23 09:55 AM
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4 Artists
by Guy E. Trepanier - 12/03/23 07:19 PM
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Snuts
by Gary E. Andrews - 12/03/23 05:01 AM
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Leafs
by Gary E. Andrews - 12/01/23 03:35 PM
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 539
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Sep 2006
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Joined: Mar 2005
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I like your arrangement and most of the melody. I think you have nailed that. Here's the problem and I think you have already sensed that there is a problem in the lyrics: you didn't "pay off" your "set up" "I hope you like my suprise..." is a set up for a pay off but at the end of the song, we still don't know what it is. I suppose it is just being together and that may be enough in reality but it is not strong enough to carry the song.
You can defend your arguement that the hook "Christmas for two" is the pay off and it should be, but for me, there isn't enough originality in that to carry me through the song. I like this song best when you use imagery. christmas lights, deck the halls, light the fire. If you can figure out how to use the imagery to "tell" your story, then it would hold my interest. But most important of all is that when the song is through, I (the listener) should not have any doubt what the song is about.
So, assuming you agree with my analysis, the bad news is: you have to work harder on the "central idea" of this song but the good news is you already have the whole structure and arrangement figured out so half the work is done.
"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
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Joined: Mar 2005
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If the guy is coming home with the ring then I think you need to put that in the song- maybe not directly but as a metaphor at least. You probably don't want to get sappy and "say" that the suprise is the ring but you could say it indrectly and then the whole song would make sense. As for U2, I found the lyrics but I haven't heard the song so I can't compare yours to it but here it is:
Written by P. Spector and E. Greenwich Performed with Darlene Love
It's Christmas ... baby, please come home Yeah
The snow's comin' down / Christmas I'm watchin' it fall / Christmas Lots of people around / Christmas Baby, please come home
The church bells in town / Christmas They're ringin' a song / Christmas What a happy sound / Christmas Baby, please come home
They're singin' 'Deck the Halls' But it's not like Christmas at all I remember when you were here And all the fun we had last year
Pretty lights on the tree / Christmas I'm watchin' 'em shine / Christmas You should be here with me / Christmas Baby, please come home Baby, please come home Baby, please come home
They're singin' 'Deck the Halls' But it's not like Christmas at all I remember when you were here And all the fun we had last year
If there was a way / Christmas I'd hold back these tears / Christmas But it's Christmas day / Christmas Baby, please come home / Christmas Home / Christmas
Baby, please come home / Christmas Baby, please come home / Christmas Baby, please come home / Christmas Home / Christmas
Baby, please come home / Christmas
It's a pretty simple lyric but the central idea is clear and can be summed up in these lines:
They're singin' 'Deck the Halls' But it's not like Christmas at all
In short the message is: "without you even Christmas isn't Christmas to me"
Write your song so that you have summed it up that concisely and I think you will have your complete song,
The way I see it, you are working with these ideas
1. It's Christmas time and I miss you 2. Lets make this Christmas just about us two 3. I have a suprise for you (not clear in the present lyric)
Staying with the original hook, I think you should pick # 3 as your central idea and let the others be subordinate to that.
"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
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