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Hear this at http://www.soundclick.com/benf.

Not sure if the hook works (or the verses, bridge and tune, for that matter), but I trust someone will offer up......(including those who can't listen...these are uncritted lyrics).

All Night Lover
© Ben Burton 2006

Every day right after work
Gets in her car and heads for home
No place else she knows to go
Though she don't want to be alone

As sunlight fades, and traffic thins
Her mind is in another place
The beauty from a distant past
Before the fire that scarred her face

She's wishing for an all night lover
Someone to kiss her and hold her tight
Ya know she needs an all night lover
Delete the light, beneath the night

It used to be her call to make
Could have her way with any boy
Back then she was content to tease
To treat them all like they were toys

(Now) She's wishing for an all night lover
Someone to kiss her and hold her tight
Ya know she needs an all night lover
Delete the sight, beneath the night

The mirrors' tears don't ever seem to dry
HER sad reflection always makes them cry
If sun and moon would only cease to shine
Maybe in the darkness she will someday find
(an all night lover)

She's wishing for an all night lover
Someone to kiss her and hold her tight
Ya know she needs an all night lover
Defeat the night, give her delight
One day she'll find an all night lover
Defeat the night, give her delight


[This message has been edited by Ben F (edited 11-04-2006).]

Hey Ben,

Two nits:

"Before the fire that scarred her face"

This line seems to come out of nowhere...I'd consider replacing or elaborating on it.

squeeze her "tight"

Since it's impossible to squeeze someone "loosely", the tight is not needed for the idea, yet needed for the rhyme...so I'd go with "hold" her tight.

Keep or sweep

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http://www.cdbaby.com/shaynev

Congrats on your sweet 16 Ben,
Sanging is improving , I can even hear some feelin' going on there. I got a problem with the lyric , but ; it's more of a personal choice problem . Why doesn't the singer take up with the girl ? He is turned off by the scar , she's hung up about the scar , or , he's vindictive about not getting any in sixth grade? He had to have talked with her in order to know such details , guess my question is , why didn't he do more than talk? Not much of a crit , but ; I'm kinda tired.
Pete

Hi Shayne,
I didn't feel the need to go into detail about the fire. She was a teasing beauty who had the accident and can't rely on her looks like she used to.
I've heard that so many times in my life, I never even thought about it being redundant! (My Aunt Betty and others at reunions, "You better come here and squeeze me tight".) But it is. I just checked to see if it's ever used. And it is. Here's samples from 3 different songs (none of which I've ever heard!)

Can We (SWV)
I like the way you do me do me
Can we get kinky tonight?
I got soo many things on my mind
I wanna feel you squeeze me tight

I See - Public Domain (2005)
in the night
i feel so right
you reach out
and squeeze me tight
i can hardly breathe

Do You Wanna Dance (Peter Andre)
Wanna dance girl
Squeeze me tight
Squeeze me right through the night
Say, do you wanna dance
Under the moonlight

I am changing it to hold, anyhoo, though.
Thanks, man.
Ben

[This message has been edited by Ben F (edited 11-04-2006).]

Hi Ben

I'll have to wait to listen to the tune at work, but I thought I'd give my first thoughts on the lyric...I think the hook itself is great. Not sure that you're making the best use of it with this storyline... It's sad and does leave the listener with a lot of questions regarding the singer as Shayne has pointed out and also about the woman. Why is she just wishing for a lover to share in the dark? Seems like she'd be wishing for someone to help make her look and feel back to normal in the day too. I think the hook entices something hot and spicy, but it's not delivered. Just my spin. jm : )

Mornin', Pete,
Gotta disagree about having to know her personally, in order to provide those details. I mean, most of what my Mama knows about kids I went to school with was provided by moi. Some of 'em, she never even met. Think that's pretty commonplace. Further, the singer is 68 and the gals 23.....'course I'm making that up, but it never, ever occurred to me the singer has to be a major player in the events that are being sung about.
Glad my voice was okay on this one, with FEELING, no less!
Thankye, Petey.
Ben

JM,
Heck, I don't know, maybe she's horny!
I'm figuring she never did IT when she could, and now, she's so hung up over her disfigurement, she's withdrawn from society, while wishing she could actually have a man alone in the dark, so she won't feel self-conscious. The mind can take a million roads for a billion reasons. Emily Dickinson withdrew from society in her twenties. If someone wrote a song about her life (of course, it would have to be disguised, since people KNOW who she is), it would seem full of holes, beyond belief, even. WHY did she withdraw. Who knows? She did! Why do some people commit suicide over something that makes others stronger? Ad infinitum.....
Thanks for your thoughts. Guess if everyone is with you and Pete, I'll have to change it. Can't sell what they ain't buying. I've written plenty of the typical hot, romantic type lyrics. Thought I'd try a different approach.
BTW, Pete is the one who had questions about the singer. Shayne thought the scarring was an unneeded aside....
I appreciate it.
Ben

Ben ,
There;s alot going on with this one , in terms of undertones that could be "capitolized " upon.
Not so glaringly in the lyric , moreso in the explanation , that term "teasing beauty" tends to strike a chord...
You remember seeing the Ten Commandments and there was Moses stomping straw into mud to make bricks , Dathan comes along , carried by bearers , summons the watergirl and the old guy , who later gets killed , turns to Moses and says "Beauty , it's more of a curse to our women..." {should maybe call that a paraphrase , may not be exact , as always}
Anyway , coming at it with that in mind might make a more appealing song. Not to say yours isn't appealing , I'm just saying there would be trouble finding someone to sing it , unless , it obviously was about someone that "teasing beauty " could apply without misunderstanding...
I wouldn't sing it , but ; that doesn't count for much.
Pete

Shayne,
Are you saying that scarring isn't conversational , because ; I'm wondering if you think ergo is conversational?
Pete

Well, Petey
We'll have to go the agree-to-disagree route. There's GOT to be lots of songs that aren't flattering to the subjet matter, but wouldn't be used as an indictment against the singer. Heck, I know that without listening, so you gots to know a ton of 'em!How bought...Fancy or We'll Sing in the Sunshine, or Gypsies Tramps and Thieves or well, you get the idea. The singer doesn't have to be associated with the principal, although, in the ones I just mentioned, the singer IS the main character.
No need to reply on this. It was almost off the board, so it will now go quietly into that goodnight....
ben
PS JM, DID you listen?

No I wasn't saying that scarring isn't conversational. I only mentioned that there was no setup for it. All of a sudden, she has a scarred face.

These lines...

Every day right after work
Gets in her car and heads for home
No place else she knows to go
Though she don't want to be alone

As sunlight fades, and traffic thins
Her mind is in another place

..could just as well be setting up a story that didn't involve someone with a physical deformity.

Ergo is not conversational (as in an average conversation), IMO.



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http://www.cdbaby.com/shaynev

Ok...I'm just havin' a problem with a 23 year old virgin tease! Let's be realistic here boys. If she was really that good lookin' before AND she was a tease...she got some at some point in time. Otherwise...she wouldn't be missin' it so much.

Here's my angle Ben...I have to agree with JM, I want to see her want someone who loves her for who she is...not just some nocturnal extracurricular activity. Maybe that's just a gal thang. But seems to me she's sellin' herself short just because she isn't beauty queen material anymore.

JMO...humbly so.


Bree

Hi Ben

Just has a listen. Think the tune has potential. Like a lot of what you're doing with it. Can't say my position on the storyline has changed though...jm : )

Shayne,
I think that's called a set-up , where , the framework is laid down , then some key piece of information is supplied and the thing gels . You could always say , heck! That's Greek to me... ergo , you would have fit into a conversation , that which wasn't conversational and we wouldn't want to do that. Nes Pah ?

JM,
Didn't mean any disrespect , didn't know how else to say that...
Pete

I think "conversational" can be taken too literally, Shayne. In conversation, one isn't privy to the private thoughts of someone else.
In her mind she IS going back to the time before the scars. I don't know why everything should be telegraphed. Seems boring.
But I appreciate your thoughts very much.
Thanks,
Ben

Bree! You're too cynical!!!
Incredible as it may seem, there are still some who don't hop in the sack pre-marriage. I managed to make it 2 years past my college graduation before I was seduced! Unfortunately, good ol' Hollywood makes it totally casual. Saw a movie the other night on dvd..."Must Love Dogs". I began to lose interest when D Lane and Cusack went running for condoms on their first date. I totally lost interest when she bedded the "other guy". Turned it off and pretended they all were miserable!

Now, as to the other, that's a problem in songs sometimes. Maybe if this one did well, she could meet the right guy in the sequel! (I know, DREAM ON!!!)
Thanks, Bree.
Ben

Thanks, JM
Glad you liked the tune. That is REALLY what I wanted feedback on, as it's my favorite of any of the mediocre stuff I've produced thus far. Story can be changed easily enough, but I swanee, I love the singing sound of "Wishing for an all night lover"!
Ben

Yeah, Shayne, what Pete said!!!!!

Ya know Ben...you're right. Hollywood DOES make it too casual. Truth be known...(& shhh...don't tell anyone)...I'm more of a hopeful romantic than I want to admit at times and my mama DID teach me not to be promiscuous.

It's a great tune!

Breezey

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Indecisiveness is the key to flexibility. ~ Me

Durn, Bree. You had me wondrin' why my deal was on an odd #! Hey, that's good to know. That's makes you a candidate!!
Thanks, Breezy gal.
Ben
PS Just realized...you're in NC. You oughta be familiar with "deal", a fave on the NASCAR circuit.

Howdy Ben,

Have to agree with the gals on this one. This lyric sells the lady short. She doesn't need an all night lover, but rather a boost of self esteem which could be brought about by someone actually loving her for the person she is, not her superficial disfigurement. The all night lover thing is a male sorta approach, as though a brief fling in the sack will solve her "issues". IMO, it would only serve to make her feel worse after it is over to realize that this guy couldn't deal with looking at her so he would only be with her in the dark of night. YIKES. That is a sucky thing.

The tune is fine... but I think the lyric needs an overhaul.

Hugs,
Bobbie

Hi Bobbie , Hi Ben,
Bobbie , I think Ben was trying to be a tech more empathetic than all of that. It didn't seem to me that he was talking about her having someone to roll in the sack with , seemed to me he was trying desperately to come across as her finding someone to while away the hours of darkness that can be so overwhelmingly lonely.
True , him not being a gal , he's not going to be perfect at it , seems he's tyrying , though.

And Ben,
If you're going to stick up for yourself , you'll have to be quicker at it...
Pete

Howdy Petey,

While I appreciate you sticking up for Ben, I suspect he is capable of explaining his reasoning just fine! I am afraid I don't see much difference between what you are saying and a roll in the sack. LOL Whiling away the hours of darkness with an "all night lover" basically IS a roll in the sack isn't it? I think my interpretation (above) is still pretty much on target. That isn't gonna solve this gal's problem, but would probably only end up making her feel worse. Sex isn't a cure-all for insecurities, not even on a temporary basis...or especially not on a temporary basis. I don't expect you guys to be perfect...heck, none of us are, but when it comes to portraying a woman's POV, mebbe ya needs ta listen to wimminfolk once in awhile.

Hugs,
Bobbie

Bobbie,
I'm thinking , whiling away the hours could be as subtle as sittin' on the front porch drinking coffee in a comfy rocking chair . Knowing someone could care enough to "hang out" means the difference between spending those same hours alone with her introspection . Seems so , from the song.
Ben is much better at listening to the wimminfolk , though ; I have been known to hang out and drink coffee
Hugs,
Petey

LOL Petey...you don't need an "all night lover" to hang out and drink coffee. As you and Ben were so quick to point out to me in the notsodistant past..LOL a lover means a 'lover' as in sexual intimacy. If she merely needed a coffee drinkin' buddy, she doesn't need a 'lover'. Hanging out is NOT what Ben is talking about here.

Hugs,
Bobbie

LOL....ya'll are too funny!!! I love it. Ok...new kid on the block is gonna pipe in here. Sorry guys...I'm gonna have to agree with Bobbie. A rose is a rose by any other name...umm... I mean a lover is a lover.

However, if'n ya want to make everyone happy (which let's face it, is never possible) you could try to add in a line somewhere about doing other things besides JUST midnight lovin'...maybe mention drinking coffee on the porch at night or something else they might do IN ADDITION to other things. I dunno. I'm just ramblin' at this point.

And Ben....I'm kinda wonderin' what I'm a "contestant" for....lol Also...I don't live in NC currently. I'm in VA for now (wishin' I was back in Carolina) I grew up there and was there for the most part until 3 years ago. But I'll ALWAYS be a Carolina gal!

Bree

Dang Bobbie !
You might have me on this one. I didn't think about it 'till after i posted , you know ; about the title of the song and all.
Even if Love doesn't always express itself sexually , most will make the assumption , regardless of intent.
See , I listen , once in a while...
Hugs,
Petey