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#363905 01/20/05 10:30 AM
Joined: Jan 2001
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A LITTLE MORE TIME
©2005 Anthony Torres
All rights reserved

(Verse 1)
Kid playing stickball out in the street
in the faded red twilight sun
Mom pops the screen door open and yells
"Time for dinner, you've had your fun"

He moans and pouts, gives up and goes in
Slumps down, head in hands, as he sits
Then looks forlornly out at his friends
Dreamin' 'bout a couple more hits

(Chorus)
Just a little more time
Just a little more time
When it's time to go home
all we want is a little more time

(Verse 2)
Young man is parked way out in the woods
Gettin' far for just their first date
Clouds part, and moonlight shines on his watch
It's 11-- he'll have to wait

"I'm past my curfew", he sadly sighs
"Mom and Dad'll wait up for sure"
Then he apologizes and smiles
Face angelic, thoughts still impure

(Chorus)
Just a little more time
Just a little more time
When it's time to go home
all we want is a little more time

(Verse 3)
Old man is shovelin' snow outside
just like a thousand times before
but then a pain hammers at his chest
and he collapses by his front door

No help at hand, thoughts gradually fade
to what was and what should've been
Base hits in the street, home runs in the woods
Ol' St. Peter had to pull him in

(Chorus)
Just a little more time
Just a little more time
When it's time to go home
all we want is a little more time

#363906 01/20/05 12:07 PM
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Anthony: Very nice description and nice slice of life observation. Good writing job here.

regards...P

#363907 01/20/05 12:34 PM
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Hi Anthony

Love the curfew verse!!!!

Love the hook!!!!

but I might want to lose forlonly...kinda a hoakey for a song....maybe sadly, losing the f, for another s?

and maybe you better move your buns, instead of you've had your fun, which seems unrealistic for a mom to say

small stuff

great write!!!!

#363908 01/22/05 04:08 PM
Joined: Dec 2000
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Likes: 28
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yeah longingly might work a bit better than forlornly...less of a tongue twister...

and yeah, nice bit of life running full circle...


Ciao


If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop

#363909 01/23/05 10:00 PM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 202
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Posts: 202
Anthony:

Great write. I especially like the line: “Base hits in the street; home runs in the woods”. Very clever indeed.
Second line, “faded” might sound better as “fading”.

Darby

#363910 01/25/05 08:11 PM
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Paul-- Thanks for lookin' and likin'! [Linked Image]

Ritt-- Interesting suggestions. I'll give 'em due consideration very soon when I have time. Thanks!

John-- "Longingly" doesn't meter the same, alas. Thanks for stopping by. [Linked Image]

Darby-- Yeah, good ol' baseball talk. [Linked Image] I've thought about "fading" vs. "faded" and may change it yet. Thanks for the visit!

Anthony

#363911 01/25/05 08:28 PM
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I like this for the most part. It ends on quite a downer... not just the dying, but the looking back on things never done. Seems there might be a way to wrap that up in a nice inspirational bridge or tag...saying 'Don't do this' basically. Verse two could be worded a little more poetically or smoothly I think...the lines are adequate, but I think you can do more there. Also, it would probably be a tad more realistic if it was her curfew that made him miss out on 'more' [Linked Image]. Good start. Keep at it! BTW, the home runs line is very cool.

Corey

#363912 01/30/05 09:39 AM
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Hi, Corey. Good critique! Thank you. [Linked Image] I've already got a couple changes in mind for V2. And yeah, perhaps it is too much of a downer for it's own good. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts as always. [Linked Image]

Anthony


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