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Joined: Jan 2001
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A LITTLE MORE TIME ©2005 Anthony Torres All rights reserved
(Verse 1) Kid playing stickball out in the street in the faded red twilight sun Mom pops the screen door open and yells "Time for dinner, you've had your fun"
He moans and pouts, gives up and goes in Slumps down, head in hands, as he sits Then looks forlornly out at his friends Dreamin' 'bout a couple more hits
(Chorus) Just a little more time Just a little more time When it's time to go home all we want is a little more time
(Verse 2) Young man is parked way out in the woods Gettin' far for just their first date Clouds part, and moonlight shines on his watch It's 11-- he'll have to wait
"I'm past my curfew", he sadly sighs "Mom and Dad'll wait up for sure" Then he apologizes and smiles Face angelic, thoughts still impure
(Chorus) Just a little more time Just a little more time When it's time to go home all we want is a little more time
(Verse 3) Old man is shovelin' snow outside just like a thousand times before but then a pain hammers at his chest and he collapses by his front door
No help at hand, thoughts gradually fade to what was and what should've been Base hits in the street, home runs in the woods Ol' St. Peter had to pull him in
(Chorus) Just a little more time Just a little more time When it's time to go home all we want is a little more time
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Joined: Jul 2003
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Anthony: Very nice description and nice slice of life observation. Good writing job here.
regards...P
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Joined: Aug 2003
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Hi Anthony
Love the curfew verse!!!!
Love the hook!!!!
but I might want to lose forlonly...kinda a hoakey for a song....maybe sadly, losing the f, for another s?
and maybe you better move your buns, instead of you've had your fun, which seems unrealistic for a mom to say
small stuff
great write!!!!
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 11,534 Likes: 28
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yeah longingly might work a bit better than forlornly...less of a tongue twister...
and yeah, nice bit of life running full circle...
Ciao
If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 202
Serious Contributor
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Posts: 202 |
Anthony:
Great write. I especially like the line: “Base hits in the street; home runs in the woods”. Very clever indeed. Second line, “faded” might sound better as “fading”.
Darby
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Paul-- Thanks for lookin' and likin'! Ritt-- Interesting suggestions. I'll give 'em due consideration very soon when I have time. Thanks! John-- "Longingly" doesn't meter the same, alas. Thanks for stopping by. Darby-- Yeah, good ol' baseball talk. I've thought about "fading" vs. "faded" and may change it yet. Thanks for the visit! Anthony
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Joined: Feb 2001
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I like this for the most part. It ends on quite a downer... not just the dying, but the looking back on things never done. Seems there might be a way to wrap that up in a nice inspirational bridge or tag...saying 'Don't do this' basically. Verse two could be worded a little more poetically or smoothly I think...the lines are adequate, but I think you can do more there. Also, it would probably be a tad more realistic if it was her curfew that made him miss out on 'more' . Good start. Keep at it! BTW, the home runs line is very cool. Corey
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Joined: Jan 2001
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Hi, Corey. Good critique! Thank you. I've already got a couple changes in mind for V2. And yeah, perhaps it is too much of a downer for it's own good. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts as always. Anthony
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