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My Little Gherkin
© 2004 Lyrics by Produce Farmer ASCAP

I try to do the best I can
With what little bit I got.
Strive to keep myself in shape,
Not simply go to pot.
I'm at the gym three nights a week
And when I'm not, I'm workin ...
But my baby wants a big ol' dill
And all I got's a gherkin.

I pay 'tention to my diet,
I eat fish to help my brain.
Take every type of supplement
I've ever heard explained.
Make sure I get my iron,
Protein, calcium and fibre
But my baby wants a porterhouse
Not this little appetizer..

CHORUS:
Wish life was like a garden
Where you get to pick yer own
Just give it sun and water
Until it's fully grown

But I went to see my doctor.
Asked him what he thought.
'tried to cover up his laughin'
With a weak suspicious cough.
I inquired if he might have a pill
To help li'l junior grow.
He suggested graftin' on
My left foot's little toe.

They got hospitals in Sweden
That arbitrarily dispose
Of much more manly pickles
Than I could hope to grow.
I wrote to their chief surgeon
For an estimated bill
To swap my little gherkin
For a big ol' Kosher Dill

CHORUS: Repeat

So I hauled my a** to Sweden
And you can guess the rest
My lady met me at the door
And we drove it for a test
But each time she shops for produce
I feel I've been rebuked
She still spends a half an hour
Pickin' out the biggest cuke


[This message has been edited by Produce Farmer (edited 03-27-2004).]

I love it! Well written. No nits from me. Do you have music for it? Post a link if it can be heard. Oh, and welcome to the board.

Tom

Hi Tom.

Thanks so much for the kind response. I am sure it is much more than this silly song deserves. It doesn't have music yet as I am primarily a lyricist, though I collab a lot with anyone I can con into working with me. I also don't have a website where anyone can listen to my stuff, but would be happy to send off a cd of some of my demos if folks are interested.

PF

Hello PF,

Lots of fun in this one.
Extremely clever.
And I also would like to welcome you.

Calvin

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewartmusic.htm

Hey Prod,

You've got a good sense of humor and a good feel for writing. Wrote one myself last year about a Kosher dill I'm assuming you don't really want this critiqued, so I'll be looking forward to something more serious. Nice to meet you

Bill

Hi Calvin,

Thanks for the warm welcome. This seems like a fun bunch of folks hanging out here. Might just hafta stick around a bit. Glad ta bring a smile with this one.

PF

Hi Bill,

I figure life is too short to be taken seriously, but critiques are more than welcome anytime. There's a song on the airwaves now round here called the BOOGER song, so one never knows what might end up making it. Always good to make a new friend in the business.

PF

[This message has been edited by Produce Farmer (edited 03-27-2004).]

Ok Prod,

You've got 5 verses, which, dedending on tempo, could be a lot. You only use the chorus twice, I'd get it in at least once more, plus your hook's not in the chorus. I'd try to get it there or change the title. Also, V2, while clever, has nothing to do with pickles or the gardens in your chorus. I'd drop it and save it for another song. That about covers it. Good luck

Bill

Hehehehe. Thanks for the laughs after a long, long day. Welcome to the board, Mr. Produce Farmer. Hope you'll stick around for awhile. I like the reference to the gherkin. I'd never have thought that one up.

Enjoyed this one a lot.

Very clever, and I can't even see how the lyric nazis will take issue with this.

Keep it up. So to speak. Well, such as it is. You know what I mean.

G

Good Eve, PF of JPF!

Hadda LOL when the "Test Drive" Line sped by..."KUDOS" for an Extry FUN Lyric that shows Wunnafully Strange Forces At Work!

You write My Kinda Stuff...& Prolly Lots of Other Folks' too, if you're a Longtime Nashville Resident,..heh!

Hope t'Meet You if I make it up to PineyFest this Summer...happy t' swap a CD or 2 (Hell, MORE Even!) t' Expedite My Learnin' Curve..heh! (I don't play a Lick, either..CAN whistle like a Storm given the Impetus of a Musical Co-writer Buddy who hates to Fake a Lead Guitar on a Synth..)

Further Details at the Soon-t-be Updated Website! Hope you get one up soon..uh..a WEBSITE...heh! (Temporarily Forgot This is a Pickle Song Critique!)

Not Too Many Bumps here to Smooth Out...
Real Enjoyable Ride & Read, Amigo! Cute Li'l Twist at the End!

Big Guy-Hug,
Stan
Duh..Forgot Website Addy:
<www.TampaStan.com>
Do those Swedes do BRAIN Transplants too?


[This message has been edited by TampaStan (edited 03-27-2004).]

Hi Bill,

Sometimes it's the size of the song but mostly it depends on how long you can keep it up. This is strictly a performance piece and I sorta doubt by the time folks figure out what this is about (since they won't see the title) they will keep listening. Verse 2 is a simple little simile but is essential to the dietary table setting. Remember...if it weren't for pickles, no one would know of John Kerry.

PF

Hello Tricia,

First, I've concluded that it is far better to have a long, long long pickle and a short, short day. I am willing to stick around as long as it takes. I do appreciate your sharp eyesight, not every woman can discern when a gherkin is up.

Thanks,
PF

Ohhhhhh, you're bad. I like you already. Ha!

Hey Guild,

I thank you handily and leave you with this couplet of my favorite condom song from the Fifth Dimension, "Up, up and away in my beautiful balloon." How I love those old hymns.

PF

Hey now Stan,

Don't go gettin' all teste with me. Does Pineyfest fall between the chiggar olympics & the summer rash rush? As much as I like licks and whistlin, you're not my type. There's prob'ly more bumps in my pickle than you can imagine. For her pleasure of course. As for the Swedes, I don't think they've made it past rats in their brain transplants. Don't think I'll volunteer to find out. I tried to check out your website but porno block wouldn't let me in.

PF

Now Tricia, I am not. At least that's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

PF
PS Are you up for a little fertilizer wrasslin' and a trip to the nitrogen bar?

You're a charmer. I'm going to have to keep my eye on you.

Well little lady, then I hope you are very near-sighted.

PF

Howdy PF,

I don't wanna make you feel really bad, but I had this zucchini once...LOL but that is another story entirely! Very fun song here. Probably shouldn't ask if it is autobiographical...or just graphical? LOL Hang around here awhile. You are in good hands.

Bobbie

Welcome PF
well now your first post is a hit
I am betting it made everyone hungery?

I got a heck of a laugh reading this one
and further comments I fear...it might just be better left unsaid

love the term gherkin... hehehehe..this is overall an excellent write

Smile

It would seem such a "fun in life" lyric should have a pretty bouncy lively tune....so length perhaps isn't detrimental except to draw it out into the verse numbers beyond 8 or 10!LOL
That said, I have to say the "hook" isn't sufficiently or strategically placed....I'd think about making a "verse" out of the chorus and put my "hook" line in about every other verse at the least! Or use the "hook" you've so talently penned in the last verse....about "still..Pickin' out the biggest cuke' Just a thought...also since you're from Nash....check NSAI's site out...you can follow off my link if you wish...you can upload about three of your CD's for free or if you're a member of NSAI you can have innumerable uploads of your original CD's! Welcome to JPF!
BTW, most geriatrics like their "bread and butter" pickles! Gotcha nudder hook here!


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http://www.songramp.com/homepage.ez?Who=Sharon

[This message has been edited by Sharon Irene Wells (edited 03-28-2004).]

Hello Bobbie,

It is probably best said that this is graphically autobiographical, but that is also probably TMI. Do think I'll hang around a bit since folks here have made me feel rather welcome. More information about that zucchini might prove interesting...?? Saw one once up in Alaska that was over 4 ft long...scared me. I shoulda made it sign a no-competition clause.

Thanks for dropping by to check out the state of my garden.

PF

Wow, 4 feet long in Alaska. And that's with the shrinkage from being cold. I'm out of this competition fer sure

Bill

Hello Smile,

We sure all need more of those. Thanks for brightening up the day. Glad you got a laugh out of this. It has served its purpose. Not sure if hunger is the response most folks might get from this, but if that was yours, then I hope you got your appetite satisfied eventually. LOL

PF

Hello Sharon Irene,

Thanks for the kind welcome. Certainly appreciate the excellent suggestions. Have to agree with you about that chorus, which was actually substituted for the sake of the sensibilities of the folks on this board who might be unprepared for my sense of humor. The alternative chorus starts off:
My little gherkin wasn't workin'
Least not the way it should
My little gherkin wasn't workin'
Though it would if it could
And gets worse from there.
Been a member of NSAI for many years. Will have to check out their site again. Probably don't go there often enough.

I like bread 'n butter pickles myself. Hmmmm.

Thanks again,
PF

Hey Farmer,
I really got a kick out of this. Almost makes me want to crawl out of my shell and have a little fun with you all. By the way, gherkins can be eaten in one bite.

Oops, I'm showing my true colors. Gotta run,
Bye.

Mel

The chorus is a bit risque' but if you'd leave the "little gherkin" in but think about how those little cucumbers react to no water, hot or cold weather.....build your chorus off that in such innuendoes or whatever!
BTW, some of us always "plant" burpless and if it comes to have to handpick a large field of cukes, I'd hope the Farmer would be so kind as to plant the smooth ones! Those old fashioned bristly ones are about as detrimental to ones hands and arms as the southern crop of okra........

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http://www.songramp.com/homepage.ez?Who=Sharon

Hey Bill,

Didn't mean to frighten you with that zucchini statistic. There's a valley in Alaska, I think it's called the Matanuska Valley, where the growing conditions are just right to create these enormous vegetables, like cabbages that weigh 96 lbs! I think it has a lot to do with the fact that the sun never quite sets in the summertime. Most everyone thinks of cold when they think of Alaska, but the last time I was up there, it was in the upper 90's and the mosquitos were as enormous as the veggies. The Palmer State Fair there is an amazing experience, however.

PF

Can you imagine how much gas a 96 pound cabbage could give someone?

Bill

Hi, Honey. I'm home. Is that date still available? Ha. I could really go for some mud wrasslin' and some nitrogen bars.

Bill, I'm surprised at you. You let your hair down today. Ritt sings and now this.

Hi there Mel,

I'm not averse to things with shells either, so crawl on out and join the fun. Of course gherkins can be gulped but tis more fun to savor the good stuff, dontcha think?

PF

Hmmmmm,
I wonder if MiracleGro would turn a gherkin into a dill?

Hi Sharon,

Thanks for the return visit. Nice to meet a gal who knows what she likes in her produce. This little ditty probably isn't worth a lot of reworking but I will surely keep those ideas well in hand, ummmm...mind??? The level of appropriate innuendo is certainly dependent on the audience...so I try to use that as the determining factor on what goes or stays in a lyric. This ain't intended for a family show for sure.

PF

Hey Bill, that is probably a whole 'nuther song! Sorta reminds me of one of the standard numbers that gets played every Wednesday afternoon on Church Day on WSM here in Nashville. Not sure I know the real title, but it is something like, The Day Daddy Let The Big One In The First Missionary Baptist Church. It is wickedly funny. Daddy said the devil made me do it. Momma said it was the liverwurst.

I suspect a 96 lb cabbage could ignite a real conflagration in the congregation!

PF

Hey now li'l lady, I'm always up for a bit o' mud wrasslin' and fixin' of nitrogen. All that mud is great for the skin. Don't pick on poor Bill. He is plumb het up worryin' bout them big ol' zucchinis and 96 lb cabbage flatulence. There's a whole world of alien produce out there.

PF

Well Mel, I can vouch for the fact that Miracle-Gro in the softsoap dispenser does NOT work, and those Jobes spikes just plain hurt. LOL

PF
PS, the only thing that will turn a gherkin into a dill is a bit of weed, actually. Dill weed, of course.

[This message has been edited by Produce Farmer (edited 03-28-2004).]

Are you really a farmer? I'm just curious.

Hi Tricia,

Yes, I do live on a farm. Have experience primarily with fruit trees and a 240-head dairy operation..,and have to say I much prefer growing veggies. They don't have to be milked at 4 am every day.

PF

[This message has been edited by Produce Farmer (edited 03-28-2004).]

Good evening P.F.,

First, welcome to the forum. It looks like you've made a good first impression with many of our members, and I hope you continue to enjoy your stay here.

I'd just like to bring one thought to your attention, if I may? In verse 2, lines 5 and 6, consider...

Make sure I get my cal-c-ium
Protein and my fibre...

I enjoyed the read very much. Again, welcome, and well done.

Clark

[This message has been edited by thousandslove (edited 03-28-2004).]

If I weren't a nurse, I'd be a farmer. That's the truth. I love to grow things. Ask my friends-I'm always sending photos of my flowers. Welcome, again to the boards. I might have to be jealous of you for living on a farm. I sure hope you don't mind.

Thank you for the kind welcome, Clark. Everyone here seems very friendly. I'll try to be worthy. Appreciate the heads-up on that fiber line. Somehow I manage to make it sound ok the way it was written but who knows, if someone else tries it might not work, so is good to have a better alternative in hand. Glad you enjoyed this bit of nonsense.

PF

Well, Tricia, farming has to be in your soul. I've always felt that farming requires more faith than any other occupation. You have to have faith in those seeds, that the rain will fall, that the sun will come up..and that some disaster will not strike. Unfortunately for many, those disasters do strike and many farmers have little cushion to fall back on. It is tough for the small farmer to survive these days. Most are forced into production farming which takes the joy out of it for many. But on the other hand, it is the best place to raise a family IMO. Not many farm kids get bored. You learn early the meaning of work and being responsible...and the rewards of doing a good job. You are right, there is a real joy in growing things but there is sure nothing wrong with helping make sick folks better either. Nursing is a great profession too.

PF

Welcome to you Produce Farmer. I am almost always late to the party, but, this one I almost missed. I have read all of the responses and have decided, after wiping the laughter out of my eyes, that this lyric needs no nit pickin. If I were a guy-- I would be begging to do the music for this one. Now, as to the subject of gerkins-- I have always loved pickles, especially the juicy ones that get you all wet. Dills are fabulous, but a sweet little gerkin is also fun if you know how to handle it. I had a Sloppy Joe once that was so good with a sweet little gerkin. Now, since someone brought up zuchinnis, I have to tell you that I planted one package of those just one time and had a whole back yard full of the darn things. They just kept coming and coming. As fast as I picked one up, another rose up to replace the one I plucked. If you are a real farmer, you know how prolific those babies are. I had zuchinnis sticking out of my ears for a month!! I was a hair stylist, and if my client got a perm, she had to take home three of them. Just one for a shampoo and set. If she got a color job, I stuck one in each hand and everywhere else I could hide one. No one complained. My customers were all swingers and easy to please. Never had no Dills or sweet little Gerkins to share. Never did go for sharing my pickle. --- Anyways, for a newbie to our board, you sure have generated a lot of glee and I thank you for the fun I had reading your cute little lyric which should musicate just as it stands nicely. Good luck and I look forward to seeing more posts from you here at JPF. You are my kind of guy!!! Idamarie

See PF? We all cool round here. Ms. Ida!!!

Produce: You are a true farmer. Man you farmed the gerkin joke for all its worth and then some. What a hoot I had. Definely needs a melody and a good country beat. Great work.

All the best...Paul.

Such a remark reminded when our grandson was about 2-3 yrs. old, that was back in the days before child carseats...he'd stand up in the truck seat between my husband and I, we had a set of gunracks(no guns) and a stetson rack on the truck cab...that little bunch of wired up skin, would grab those two gun racks with his arms throw his long legs up and loop throw the hat rack...and then holler..."eeek, eeeek, eek!" and then hang by his legs and scratch under his armpits or reach over and look through gramps' hair or mine...pretend to find a flea, eat it, etc. He'd watched too many dang monkeys...so one day I told him that he sure acted like he thought he was a monkey, but I didn't think that was right "cause he didn't have a tail!" He straightened up to stand back in the seat,grabbed his little gherkin and said, "I Do Have a tail, it's just not growing as fast as the rest of me" I have NO idea in all truth where he'd heard that before!



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http://www.songramp.com/homepage.ez?Who=Sharon

I'm glad I came back to check on this scene. I just had another good chuckle from Our own Sharon Wells. Sometimes those true tales are loaded with charm as her story is. Thanks for sharing Sharon. "Sharing Sharon"-- is that a hook??? Don't let Stan see that!!! Idamarie

Waaal now Mizz Idamarie, ain't you just the funniest thang? You kin come late to my party anytime, specially a woman who knows how to have fun. But you know you should never share a pickle with other folks. Never know where those thangs have been. You are right, those li'l ones that dribble down your chin are good, and you best never turn your back on a zucchini. They shoulda put em over in Afghanistan. They'd find Osama fer sure. They manage to find every nook and cranny available and just take over the place. Insidious things they are. Hope you didn't lose all your customers by forcin' them to take home a zuke or three.

Sure glad this little thing gave you a real hee haw. It has done served its porpoise, if ya'all don't mind a mixed metaphor. Always happy to spread a little glee around. Is far better than makin' somebody sad Course you ain't heard me sing yet so maybe I better quit whilst I am ahead.

Thanks for plowin' my patch a bit today. But next time wear some sunblock and a bonnet, hear?

PF