JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 2 A PICTURE OF GOD...collab w/BAMA

Thanks to BAMA for writing this one with me...glad i could get her out of retirement! Just kiddin' Janice; she's been really busy, but I'm glad she took the time to write this one with me. Any feedback is appreciated.
Hopefully not so "religious" that this couldn't be on country radio.
IF anyone is interested in music for this...we are too!

A Picture of God
© 2002 Blake Hill/Janice Messer

Last night my boy climbed on my knee
He said Dad will you color with me?
I was busy and watching the clock
But we opened that ol' crayon box
I handed him his favorite red
When out of the blue he said

(Chorus)
How do you draw a picture of God?
What does He look like Dad?
I've tried and tried but I can't decide
How to draw His face, smile or hands

I told him Son I can't explain
Or describe something I've never seen
It's not easy to draw what we feel
When you know in your heart that He's real
We'd picture Him in different ways
'Cause no one has seen His face

(Chorus)

(Bridge)
Then I heard him say I'm done
And I looked over at his page
I saw a big red heart
I'll keep that picture always

(Changed Chorus)
That's how he drew a picture of God
Without much help from his Dad
So simple and true the way that he knew
God is love drawn in a child's hand




[This message has been edited by blakeh (edited 05-06-2002).]

Blakey,
Touching and beautiful.....only nit imo.
is the rhyming in the last verse and
chorus,sops the flow somewhat.Ofcourse this is only my personal opinion.
God bless
ClaireJeanne

THanks for the read Claire and nice words...if you reread this, I'm not sure exactly what you're pointing to that you feel stops the flow; if you can, can you be more specific? I know it works to the tune in my head; but still would like to know! thanks!

Hi Blake and Janice!
I liked this and I love the big red heart. You always hear that God is love. This brings it out through the eyes of a child nicely. Good work!
Tony

I think this will be my last critique this evening. Maybe more of a noncritique. I need to think about this more deeply but I want you to know that I am looking at.

JeanB

Tony, sure appreciate ya stoppin' in and giving this a read.

This is a neat story. I was having trouble making it sing, and the second verse bothered me, so I played with it. It's OK if you don't like it. Thought I would offer it just in case.


A Picture of God
© 2002 Blake Hill/Janice Messer

Last night my LITTLE boy climbed on my knee
AND said Dad will you color with me?
ALTHOUGH I was busy and watching the clock,
I STOPPED AND we opened that ol' crayon box

HE PULLED OUT his favorite red
THEN out of the blue he said

(Chorus)
How do you draw a picture of God?
What does He look like Dad?
I've tried and tried
but IT'S HARD TO decide
How to DRAW A PICTURE OF GOD.

I SAID "NO ONE'S SEEN GOD BUT I KNOW HE IS REAL
THOUGH HE'S IN MY HEART I CAN'T DRAW WHAT I FEEL"
HE SMILED AS I SEARCHED FOR THE RIGHT WORDS TO SAY
PUT CRAYON TO PAPER AND COLORED AWAY

(Chorus)
How do you draw a picture of God?
What does He look like Dad?
I've tried and tried
but IT'S HARD TO decide
How to DRAW A PICTURE OF GOD.

(Bridge)
GOD CAN'T BE EXPLAINED TO A CHILD THIS AGE
THEN I HEARD HIM SAY, DAD, I'M DONE
I SAW WITH A START
HE HAD DRAWN A HEART
I SAW GOD ON MY LITTLE BOY'S PAGE


(Changed Chorus)
That's how he drew a picture of God
Without ANY help from his Dad
THE HEART THAT HE DREW
HELPED ME SEE GOD TOO
MY LITTLE SON'S PICTURE OF GOD

Jeanster, thanks for coming back to post some ideas for this; i'll get Bama to give 'em a look with me; sure appreciate ya taking the time to provide all the thoughts.

Blake and Janice. I'm surprised I stopped in on this one, but glad I did. This is one very sweet song. Not what I expected at all.

That said, I thought the chorus could use some more emotion, to really stand out. A singer would have to do most of the work, but I think this change to the last line would provide that opportunity:

How to draw...His face, HIS smile, HIS hands

And some modest changes to the final chorus, more a way to sing it than anything else:

That's how he drew a picture of God
Without much help from Dad (delete "his")
So simple and true the way he knew
God's love...drawn...in a child's hand

Some more offerings in the mail. Very nice, you two! Again, glad I stopped by.


[This message has been edited by Michael Thomas (edited 05-06-2002).]

Blake and Janice: Very sweet! I loved the red/blue thing in V1. Personally, I like Jean's rewrite of the chorus. The hands/face thing was a little distracting in the original, IMO. I like the idea in V2, but it seemed a little awkward to me. The first two lines if Jean's rewrite may give you some ideas on how to smooth that out. Love that bridge idea! I might take Jean' last line and use it there, since the current last line requires a bit of a wrong-syllable emphasis on "always" (and you know that's a pet peeve of mine ).

Then I heard him say I'm done
And I looked over at his page
He had drawn a big red heart
I saw God on my son's page

Really neat idea. Just some tweaking required to make it really smooth, I think.

Erica

Mikester; i'm glad you stopped in too. Thanks! I DO envision that last line of the chorus being sung exactly how you mentioned with the tune in my head; i just didn't write it out that way, but you're right on the money! Thanks for givin' it a read.

This is a really sweet (but not overly syrup-y)lyric and a unique idea. Don't think I can offer anything different from some of the ideas that have been mentioned and of course, a lot would depend on tweaking the lyric after you have music for it. A good job all the way around.

Appreciate the read and input Rickster! We probably nab a few of the suggestions and see what we can come up with. Thanks for the read!

Thanks Clairejeanne for taking a look! If you take a 2nd look it would be really helpful to give us the exact point that hangs you up. We are always open to your suggestions!

Tony thanks so much for your kind words. I see you have a lyric on the board so I will be taking a look in a bit. Glad you liked the big red heart! Gotta give blake the credit for that one!

Jean thanks a bunch for your time and always thorough and painstaking read. I have come to truly appreciate time lately so it means a great deal to me that any of you take the time to read and respond.

Thought this was a re-write from a way back one Guys as i do reall one wriiten about the subject but not in this scene.
I remmeber because we actually had somebody do a publicity stunt for a rural town by etching a pic of Christ, staight our of Corel Draw would you believe, on a rock, and it got state wide cover.
This is very nice.
The red crayon pointed to where it was going nicely.
I was in fact hoping I was wrong there and this would go along to the dad seeing in the childsh strokes, the mother's hair, Granpa's beard. Daddy's eeys etc.
That would be a nice touch I think.
Nice as it is though.
Let me know when you get it sung Guys so I can grab it for the inspirational play list if she cooks.
REgards.
Graham

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http://artists3.iuma.com/IUMA/Bands/Graham_Henderson/

I really love the idea for this you two. I think Jean gave a little more clarity on the chorus as well. All in all this one sounds great to me. After all, love is the best way I could think to describe God. Very touching you two. Good job.

Vince

Hi Blakeh,
It's only a tiny nit I have,And You've gotten so much good advice allready.as ////i mentined the BR and Changed chorus,imo
didn't seem to flow as well as the rest of the song.I do love the song though it's
beautiful.....but
BR last line
God had inspired my son


Changed chorus...Last 2 lines
Helped me too
It was a perfect picture of God


God bless
ClaireJeanne

Appreciate the read Karla; it is syrupy, but HOPEFULLY not overly so!

Bama & Blake,
So glad to finally see this done and posted! Knew something was on its way and this song is so real in my eyes..normal curious questions coming from the child and a great reply from Dad! It's so hard to pick when you're hearing a tune in your head Blake..to me it looks like this was written to a tune-but at the same time reading Jeans tweaks it works well that way too! Whatcha gotta do is have Janice show you the wav trick and hum your tune in there for us!
Anyhow great story guys!I love theplay with the crayons!
Pam

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http://www.soundclick.com/pamhurley

Yeah, God's a super nice guy. Many cases in point can be found here:

http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/cruelty.html

But as for this lyric, it's treacly, yeah, but it's pretty effective too. I'd try to say "How to draw His face, His smile or His hands" to end the chorus, and "page/always" doesn't quite work in the bridge. Personal opinions about You-Know-Who aside, you've done a really nice job here, guys.

Anthony

Thanks for stoppin' in Grahamarama; sure appreciate it. I will let ya know if we get some music for sure

Blake:

An amazingly nice and straight forward look at reality. With four kids, I could see this scenario playing out. Nice job!

Dan

Mornin' Jan and Blake,

Words written from a child's perspective always seem to make great songs. They seem to touch that last lil piece of innocence hidden away inside us all.

This is no exception. Kudos!

dawg

Vince, sure appreciate the read and kind words; glad you liked it!

Pam, thanks for the nice words and the read; glad Bama was able to squeeze in some time to help out on this one seeing how she is so busy lately. thanks for stopping in!

Thanks Anthony, Dan Man, and Dawg for stoppin' in to give this a read; thanks for the nice words too; it was fun to write!

course you got alot of feedback fom that title. i liked the song snd you painted a nice picture.,but the last line was so melodramatic, to me. might want to soften it up a little. just an opinion.

Thanks so much to all who read and posted! In a big rush (leaving for a short trip to SC) so will just do a "blanket thanks". No less appreciated though!

Thanks Michael, Erica, Karla, Graham, Vince, Pam, Anthony, DanMan and of course dear Dawg!




[This message has been edited by bama43 (edited 05-08-2002).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by bama43:
[B]Thanks so much to all who read and posted! In a big rush (leaving for a short trip to SC) so will just do a "blanket thanks". No less appreciated though!

Thanks Michael, Erica, Karla, Graham, Vince, Pam, Anthony, DanMan and of course dear Dawg!

HI Blake and Bama,
I think this is terrific!!! I can hear it playing on the C&W stations just fine!!!!You two did a great job!!! I liked JeanB's suggestions too! Goodluck with this one!!

Thanks for the read Jmarie...gald u liked!

Thanks Jmarie! You have always been so kind and supportive! Don't think you have ever missed one of our lyrics. We appreciate you!

Blake and Bama,

Waaayyyyy late to this party. I think this one works nicely, and with the right music, would not be at all UN-radio friendly.

The only place that gave me pause - and since nobody else mentioned it, maybe it's just me missing something - is the line where you mention "watching the clock."

Maybe I'm looking for too much there, but that seems like too significant a thing to mention yet not have it be an integral part of the storyline. In other words, what is important for us (the reader) to know about watching the clock?

If I've missed the point or am just nitting too much, a thousand pardons please. Other than that, I think you've both done a fabulous job!

Greg

Hey Gregster...thanks for stopping in bro...i guess we put that there for no REAL reason! But i can see your point...maybe something less subtle.

Hi Blakeh,read this the other day,didn't
reply,as you already had more than I could
count.[LOL]Wouldn"t even try to find a nit,
after all these replys.I've read most of
yours,a lot of nice ideas,good songs.I'm
typing to much for a man,that doesn't have
a lot to say.[LOL]
Best wishes Regards Cody

Hi Blake & Janice. Not sure how I missed this one, but this is so sweet, and nicely written. being a mom, lyrics like this always get to me! LOL! Really nice job from both of you. Best wishes with this

Take care,
Amelia

Hey Cody and Amelia; appreciate ya both poppin' in for a look, and for the nice words!

Blake I'm back! Sorry I haven't been much help on replies. All are appreciated though!

Greg thanks for taking a look here and offering your thoughts which are always welcome. That line seemed clear at the time. It's an additional thought to "I was busy". Watching the clock was saying "trying to meet a deadline" (with work) or "with one eye on the clock". Just meaning "busy and racing with the clock". Could be all are not familiar with that "clock watching" way of saying "I was busy"? We will take a look anyway so thanks Greg!

Cody we sure do appreciate you taking the time to read and post!

Thanks AmeliaRose for your time and kind words!