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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 360
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 360 |
Been a while since I've posted here. Lots of new people I don't know. I hope to be back somewhat regularly here soon. I'd appreciate any comments on this song, if anyone's got some to dish out ![[Linked Image]](http://www.justplainfolks.org/ubb/smile.gif) There might be some nits with the syllables. Style would be rock/pop-metal(Bon Jovi-ish,Poison,etc.) One dark night I met a woman who put some curse upon me I laughed but she said you just wait and see Then the very next night my eyes locked into your contact blues I never even thought that the spell was coming true Chorus: You're the hex vexed on me Oh lord please take it away You're the hex vexed on me There's no other words to say You're the hex vexed on me I just can't take it one more day No matter what I do you're everywhere I go And I realize there's no escape from you I know No Friday nights with the boys, or drinkin' at Davey's bar and grill I don't know what you did but you took away my bachelor will repeat chorus It finally happened to me that spell shot me through my heart Who'd have ever thought a girl could make me wish that we're never apart I've given up the fight, I can't beat this kind of voodoo Cause now you've even got me saying I love you repeat chorus You're the hex vexed on me Oh lord please take it away You're the hex vexed on me I just can't take it one more day You're the hex vexed on me You're the hex vexed on me(fading)
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 1,512
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 1,512 |
Hi Jim! It's good to see you post again! Now this is a unique title/hook if I ever saw one. Yeah, you probably do have a little tightening up of some of your lines. The one that seems to be most in need is the 2nd line of your last verse: I believe you could shorten it a bit to: "That girl could make me wish we'd never part" (If you already have your music then it is probably working as is.) Good luck with this Jim!!
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Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,654
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,654 |
Jim, I`m one of the newbies. Ria and Johnny V can vouch for my character, or lack therof!LOL. I thought the "wish that we`re never apart" line could be tightened up like this. I never thought one girl could make me fear being apart. Just a thought. Call it my meager opinion. Keep or sweep, I still liked your song for it`s originality. Dan.
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 4,430
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 4,430 |
Hi, Jim. I don't think we know each other, so welcome back!
This lyric will do for Poison-style rock, but lemme give you a few comments anyway:
I'm not sure "vexed" is being used correctly in this context, since to be vexed is to be baffled or puzzled.
"Bachelor will" seems like a weight phrase for such a song. And more importantly, this guy has *really* conflicted emotions in that last verse! Does he wanna be in love or not?!
Them's my two pennies, take 'em or leave 'em. Kudos on the different-sounding hook!
Anthony
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 360
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 360 |
Thanks for the replies. Thanks for the welcome back Bama. Where's those blues lyrics? Good thoughts for that line Bama, and Dan. I do believe I'll change it. Anthony, I also wasn't sure if vexed was being used correctly...but in the verb transitive form it also means to bring trouble, distress, irritate or annoy. So I'm not sure if it's right either, but if it sounds good in there, I doubt most people listening to it would go to the dictionary. Although some might I'll be giving some more thought to the song, thanks for all the opinions.
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Joined: May 2001
Posts: 13,618
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 13,618 |
I got it sung Ok bar for shufflenig the odd word, but had to make two lines out of every one so i presume you are saving trees and doubling lines. 17 sillybillies in a line. A singer would need to be able to breath through his ears to do that one i think, so a bit better lay out would be a help with this one to critique. Toward the subject. I see this with a bit of work making a great little novelty song. Long way from politicaly correct but I would laugh and risk getting beaten with a feminist's shaving strop. "Looked into your cross-eyed blues past the wart on your nose". seems a good starting point to making it clear the hex was you would fall in love with the ugliest, meanest, coldest, graspingest, woman who never learned to cook you saw that day. Think you can have a whole lotta fun working this and then singing it at your next party/gig/jam/bath. Punters will love to hate it. Regards. Graham ------------------ http://artists2.iuma.com/IUMA/Bands/Graham_Henderson/
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