Situation: Your daughter is going to be giving birth to her first child at the same time you have your first important one set gig that involves close friends/bandmates and unmatched devotion to your music and dreams. People have been phoned and emailed to come out. A newspaper journalists plans to be there to gather info for his feature on your band. A soundman has been hired. Etc.
You love all, and want more than anything for BOTH to happen. But with the low odds coming to be, you have to choose who to be with, (first one to see your daughter and baby besides her husband).
I know what I would do. What would you do?
[This message has been edited by dhsongs (edited 02-03-2006).]
Kids have kids every day. With all those you state are lined up for you, id the daughter didn't understand, I would be surprised. If you cancel to appease a ned in you, forget the gig thing. You aren't cut out for it. Would you not go to the day job just in case she had it on the prescribed date? I'd tell her to hold off, or get along without you, and if it is born when you are in fact at the gig, have her ring and you can announce it there and get a heap of free drinks. Graham
Maybe you can juggle both. It all depends on when the baby is due. Joanne, I like your question, is it a C-Section. My wife, who worked in the maternity center for many years and retired and then went back one day a week because she enjoys it told me about someone we know in for a new baby. The person had a C-section. I asked my wife if those doctors ever do a natural delivery any more. She laughed and said No. I think sections are a normal thing these days. Don't you just love it.
Ray E. Strode
#162392 - 02/03/0603:00 PMRe: Choose: Family or Gig?
She having natural childbirth. And this is a wowan who has a low pain threshold. But she says she is doing it after knowing all the risks involved with not going natural, to the baby mostly.
I don't drink Graham. And yes, I am cut out for gigs. Also cut out for family. Unless I'm Jack Bower and the nation's people's lives were at stake, I would choose my loving daughter everytime. She wants me to play as she knows how important this gig is, but I want to be there for her, for how important her life giving moment is, (miracle and very personal for me still despite the numbers), and for the sometimes having complications from giving birth.
Thanks everyone. Interesting to read all the perspectives. Some funny ones too! "Bring her and the doctor to the gig"! Priceless! I would, except for the smoke!
We can play anytime, and will get gigs at many places if we work at it. Even a few dya after. But her first child comes but once, and she is my first and only from me. We are as close as any father and daughter could be.
To choose drink or playing over that would not be an option to even joke about. The guys understand.
Hey John - The only reason I mentioned the C-section is because that would be the only way to be certain the 2 events will happen at the same time. I worked in obstetrics for 16 years.... Relax... don't put the cart before the horse... Seldom do first pregnacies deliver on their due take ... although they do say give or take 2 weeks... first babies are often late... not to mention that first labor generally is a long one.... so even if by some crazy coincidence the labor & gig are going on at the same time... no need for Grandpa to be sitting on a stool in the waiting area for many hours.. playing some music may be good for the nerves until things really heat up. Lots of luck Joanne
Unless you were actually going to be the one in the delivery room going "breathe, breathe, breathe ...." then I'd say play the gig (particularly since up until a few minutes before a baby gets delivered you never actually know when its happening) and get your butt over to the hospital immediately afterward. Hate to give up the gig and find out the baby isn't born until a week later - or even spend 8 hours in a waiting room instead of playing...
If you do have lots of family and friends attending the gig and the two events happen simultaneously... you could turn the whole thing into a Waiting Party/celebration, telling the crowd that you're waiting for news of the birth of your first grandchild, then provide them (and you) with occassional updates from the hospital by cell phone which are announced to the crowd.... so, if the birth happens during the gig, the whole club will be in on it and will celebrate with you!
The hospital is an hour and a half away. There is a minor, (I'm told), health issue that also concens me. But just her knowing I am there I think would be a lift for her.
I made up mind IF that window of time is certain for the birth, (an hour and a half notice), which won't have me there all night waiting, that I'll be there to be the first one to see her besides her coaches of course. I was there for her birth, and I always told her I would there for her babies. So much more the closness story of us that would clear things up more, but this is not the place to talk about that. Just know that she always needed me close by and I NEVER let her down and told her I wouldn't under any circumstance. I may have promise wamased. Long story.
You say she is planning natural childbirth... no anesthesia?!??! well.. during early labor.. before you really know what's gonna hit ya, she may be "lifted" to know you are there; however, once she is in full swing, the only thing that's gonna "lift" her is delivering that baby
we joke... but this is truely a beautiful time. congratulations in advance Joanne
I had three babies almost naturally, just a little local anaesthetic, no epidural, and it's not a bad thing. It's just pain, and when it's over, it's over. I feel sorry for women nowadays, thinking they can't handle childbirth without being numbed up completely. I'm glad I got to experience the real thing. It IS natural, afterall. Women have been bringing children into the world for a long time. It's just recently that we've made it into a medical procedure. It's good to have medical science at the ready--keeps a lot of us alive. I'm just sad that women don't seem to know how strong and capable they really are. They never find out that although labor is painful, usually once you start pushing, which is like an unstoppable freight train coming through, the pain is blocked out completely. I think every mother should try at least one "natural" childbirth. It's the most amazing work I ever did, and I sure am glad I was privileged to do it.
Okay, enough of my opinionated soapbox. I just think your daughter is smart to take the less risky route. She can do it! She was made to do it! And if for some reason she needs to be numbed up or have a C-section, that's perfectly okay too. Tell her some stranger from Just Plain Folks says, "You go girl!"
I would go to the gig, arrange to keep in contact by cell phone, and leave as soon as the gig is done. My parents were at the hospital when my first child was born, and it was nice, but with the other two, they arrived the next day from out of town, and it was just as lovely then. I was too exhausted to enjoy my parents' presence when the first one came, and they really wore themselves out worrying about me, sitting in the waiting room for hours. BUT I don't have the same kind of relationship you have with your daughter, which seems extra special. My dad never promised to be with me during childbirth; my husband was the one person I wanted there. I almost punched him at one point, just because he went for a sandwich to avoid passing out, but that's another story.
What an exciting time! A brand new person coming into the world, already loved! It's obvious you'll be a wonderful grandparent!
I'm sure you'll do the best thing. Let us know how it all works out. --Jean
#162399 - 02/03/0608:15 PMRe: Choose: Family or Gig?
Being a father of three myself, I often have thoughts on issues of "Family/Gig" but it sounds to me like you need to let your daughter and her hubby be the ones to welcome the little one into this world. My wife and I had no one there with us for any of the children and we sure didn't get all pissy about it. The girl is obviously grown and responsible enough to bear a child so I really don't see that she needs daddy there to hold her hand. You wouldn't be allowed in the delivery room anyway.
Dude, bottom line; You helped her to acheive her dreams when you were responsible for her. She's being a woman now and hubby can hold her hand. Go live your dreams
ric4music "Have Guitar, Will Travel"
#162401 - 02/03/0608:59 PMRe: Choose: Family or Gig?
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by dhsongs: I was there for her birth, and I always told her I would there for her babies. So much more the closness story of us that would clear things up more, but this is not the place to talk about that. Just know that she always needed me close by and I NEVER let her down and told her I wouldn't under any circumstance. I may have promise wamased. Long story. </font>
Then why are you asking us? What I'd do and what you'd do might be totally different. And neither of us is "bad."
I personally feel that having people in the delivery room is rather odd but I'm probably in the minority. I don't really see the need for it. I guess if the mother/father wants it, so be it. Good luck and I hope all turns out well.
#162403 - 02/03/0610:37 PMRe: Choose: Family or Gig?
Personally, if you were my Dad, and I was having my baby at the same time as your dream-come-true gig, I'd say, "Dad, you can come by after the gig. You've worked hard to accomplish this and I'd be happier knowing you haven't let all those folks down. I got my hubby and my mom, and you come when you can, okay?"
FAMILY IS ALWAYS FIRST as i am sure you know John .BUT! I am sure your daughter knows how much this Gig means to Dad and she would of course want you there when the baby is born but you must remember her Husband is her Life now even though she loves you Dad to death. First i would concider this!1. Can i set the gig up so i can leave if she really needs me ? 2. How far away am i going to be from her? 3. What are the chances of her having the baby the same night i have my gig? John i guess i would talk to her and ask her to give me her honest feelings about Ol Dad being there at the moment of birth. If she really wants me to be there I would be there Gig or No Gig! But she may surprise you with an answer that she now has Hubby to be there at birth and Ol Dad can come right after the Gig! As hard as it would be for me to talk to her i would really think about asking her what she wants me to do. Once you have her answer what else can you do but honor your daughters feelings and if so there will always be another Gig maybe even better!! My 2 cents .S.Dee
#162405 - 02/03/0610:59 PMRe: Choose: Family or Gig?
Well, 15 grandchildren later....... I would have to say go to work. Why wouldn't you. We have never taken off work, or rearranged our schedule to be present for a birthing. But have always been able to go, either at the time of birth, or the day after. They usuallly happen at the craziest times anyway. and in our case not all of them live close by. Unless you have some sort of roll to play, as in some natural birthing events. Like holding the video camera, or mantra chanting, etc.... We have seen iit all......... I would just do what you normally do. If you are working that particular evening, go to work, and visit the hospital after. If music isn't your work and is just a hobby, by all means set your schedule accordingly.
I cannot remember a time when we actually did show up a day later to a birthing event. that the mother, father and baby were not all there together. Is there some reason that your daughter, son in law and baby would not all be together at the hospital a few hours later. Do you have to be in the room at the moment of birth. I am not getting it.. Afterall she is your daughter not your wife. I could understand all this hand wringing if it were your wife having her first baby. But in a case like this I would think that her husband would or should be the important man in her life. The one that she should be counting on to be there.
#162407 - 02/04/0602:12 AMRe: Choose: Family or Gig?
Sounds like you asked a question you had already decided the answer to to me John. Me. I had all my kids naturally. Didn't hurt a bit and never lost a day's work doing it. do be sure to email and call all those who have been asked to be there to say you are cancelling. Particularly the media folks. Family will understand I am sure, but media, and venue operators or agents are not usually that way inclined. Best of luck which ever way you go. Graham
Many valid points to reconsider now. Geez, thought this hard decission was easy!
No, I am not to be there in the birthing room. There will be mainly the husband's family int he waiting room, along with her mother, and now, maybe me. After this special first birth of hers, she is allowed two at a time to come in after she and her husband is ready for that. My daughter and I just wanted to have me be the first one through the door, and to share yet another special moment. It's not like I can pop in the next morning, or hours later and have it be the same. The initial moment after giving birth is what we both wanted to share. She is stressed out over this right now, for she doesn't also want me to miss out on my playing out gig that has been built up like a local media event. It seems now that I might have to do the short gig no magtter what, for the lives and dreams of the other members are in this as well,,,,,,and I wish I wasn't so selfish as to think "we" could just do another gig at some point, speaking for them. If this was a solo thing, no problem. But now, thinking about all that has been said here, and seeing the guys again tonight at rehearsal giving their all in light that I might bail is very humbling.
The thing is Tracy is my biggest music fan besides being a loving daughter that thinks her dad walks on water. She said I should play last summer when I was hesitant to do the JPF showcases. i know she wants me to play, but also wants to see before the others. I felt I should be there for the after moment. Of course her husband is her man. GREAT guy too. Loves her as much as any husband ever could.
OK,,,,,will point blank ask Tracy is she wants me to do this gig no matter the timing, and will zoom down after,,,,or before if necessary,,,,to zoom back to play. I know she already said play, but it was that look of her also wanting me to share in the moments following the birth that got to me,,,,,that made me think I should be there. But yeah, she wants me to do this music full out. Unless she says please be there, I think I will play now.
Damn! OK,,,,,,I will now assume the timing thing will not be an issue! There! Solved. I do both!
I am just in from Karaoke and you have made my day John. I realy thought this was prety wel decided. I ran the karaoke show tonight. The second I have done for this operator. First time I did all the front work and they had another bloke doing the disk spinning, so going solo tonight was quite harrowing for me. The bright spot in it was my eldest daughter, who is a Tracy by the way, was there performing. Tracy has a nice vox but, mostly thanks to nerves, I believe, doesn't push pout at all. The other operators tell me they have trouble getting enough volume out of her mike, and tonight I found I had not a problem at all. Justn a matter of bringing the backing slide down a bit and taking the master up proportionally. No mike squeels etc as the others say they are plagued with when she sings. I mention this partly because I wasn't on hand when she was born. I was too dang busy working to put our first roof over our heads to even think about being at the birth. I did get in to see her and her Mom the next day. I still have the vest I bought that day 45 years ago even though it long ago stopped fiting me. Even have asong called The vest which was built on the fact. It was still a veery special day for me, even if I couldn't be there. I did take her to hospital when she was having a kid the father decided not to hang around. And waited until she had it and saw it and her soon after. Still special moments for me. If you do the gig and miss the birth because of it, I am sure, both will still be special moments for you too John. With forur kids and 13 grandckildeen, and a few great grandies, I have never known any, apart for one daughter in law whpo has C secs to ever be on time. Graham
John, You are a very richly blessed man to have a Family, & a JPF Family, all of whom love and support you, & know how much the Daughter & the Gig mean.....I'm sure that you know what you'll do....But to answer your original question..
(gently smiling here)
The baby's gig has been lined up for, I'm guessing, about 9 months now...With that in mind, I think that your dilema should have been solved a month or two ago when lining up the band's gig...
Bob, I knew of the expected date as being the 16th, and assuming the first baby can be late a lot of the times. But now that it's close, my daughter informed me that there's a window of two weeks before and after, and that the due date is merely a general time in the middle. Shoot! I thought I was smart too! AND, the band has been patiently waiting to get out of his real small room to play anywhere, as soon as possible or they might have attacked me! So I figured,,,,OK, we finally got a gig after trying for a month, and it's on the 8th,,,,,We;ll take it! That's 8 days befor any birth at least, I thought. I knew of some early births of course, but it couldn't be this one, right>? But now that the gig is close, and seeing my daughter,,,,,,pretty big I think, I got to thinking about WHAT IF!
Graham, Congrats on having a Tracy! From what I know, they are GREAT!
Cool story too! Thanks for sharing.
And congrats also for all your family! Greatgrand kids too! And you have the spirit of a 20 year old! Good for you Graham! Keep it UP! Ha!