Who's Online Now
5 members (Gary E. Andrews, bennash, Fdemetrio, Roy Cooper, 1 invisible), 1,538 guests, and 226 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Register Today!
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.

By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
ShoutChat
Comment Guidelines: Do post respectful and insightful comments. Don't flame, hate, spam.
What's Going On
Emerson Hotel
by Gary E. Andrews - 02/17/25 11:16 PM
Beachland Ballroom, Cleveland
by Gary E. Andrews - 02/17/25 10:36 PM
Politics HERE only!
by JAPOV - 02/17/25 09:50 PM
Tour Of Her Broken Heart
by bennash - 02/17/25 09:08 PM
Judith Banker, Kerrytown area
by Gary E. Andrews - 02/17/25 07:21 PM
Herb Alpert
by Gary E. Andrews - 02/17/25 04:27 PM
My Gun
by JAPOV - 02/17/25 03:53 PM
Simply Broke Me In Two
by David Gill - 02/17/25 02:56 PM
Prophecy anyone?
by Fdemetrio - 02/17/25 09:47 AM
Screaming Orphans
by Gary E. Andrews - 02/17/25 01:22 AM
Swearingen and Kelli
by Gary E. Andrews - 02/16/25 11:42 PM
Swearingen and Kelli
by Gary E. Andrews - 02/16/25 11:41 PM
On The Internet
by Fdemetrio - 02/16/25 07:36 PM
In Love (A)
by Rob B. - 02/16/25 04:45 PM
The World We Know
by IronKnee - 02/16/25 01:10 PM
Love's A Scam
by bennash - 02/16/25 11:56 AM
It Was All So Nice
by bennash - 02/16/25 10:02 AM
The passing of Bill Scull Jr
by bennash - 02/15/25 02:49 PM
Mary Dear - 70's pop
by E Swartz - 02/15/25 08:29 AM
Take On The Fire
by IronKnee - 02/14/25 10:34 PM
Blown Away
by Irwin - 02/14/25 07:35 PM
AI Challenge 2
by Bill Draper - 02/14/25 03:58 PM
Blacklite District
by Gary E. Andrews - 02/14/25 03:24 PM
I Didn't Hear You Come In
by Bill Draper - 02/14/25 03:13 PM
Side Menu?
by JAPOV - 02/13/25 12:51 AM
Samantha said...
by bennash - 02/12/25 06:17 PM
Fort Worth Music Festival
by Gary E. Andrews - 02/12/25 05:30 PM
Tampa Bary Blues Festival
by Gary E. Andrews - 02/12/25 04:55 PM
I Hate Chip Gaines
by David Gill - 02/12/25 08:08 AM
Let’s Make America Great Again
by JAPOV - 02/11/25 03:48 PM
Top Posters
Calvin 19,858
Travis david 12,279
Kevin Emmrich 10,943
Jean Bullock 10,330
Kaley Willow 10,240
Two Singers 9,649
Joice Marie 9,186
Mackie H. 9,003
glynda 8,688
Mike Dunbar 8,574
Tricia Baker 8,318
couchgrouch 8,210
Colin Ward 7,911
Corey 7,357
Vicarn 6,916
Fdemetrio 6,761
Mark Kaufman 6,589
ben willis 6,114
Lynn Orloff 5,788
Louis 5,725
Linda Sings 5,608
JAPOV 5,322
KimberlyinNC 5,210
Sunset Poet 4,977
Neil Cotton 4,909
Derek Hines 4,893
DonnaMarilyn 4,670
Blake Hill 4,528
Bob Cushing 4,389
Roy Cooper 4,303
MFB III 4,237
Bill Osofsky 4,199
Tom Shea 4,195
Cindy Miller 4,178
TamsNumber4 4,171
nightengale 4,096
E Swartz 3,996
beechnut79 3,878
Caroline 3,865
Kolstad 3,845
Dan Sullivan 3,710
Dottie 3,427
joewatt 3,411
Bill Cooper 3,279
John Hoffman 3,199
Skip Johnson 3,027
Pam Hurley 3,007
Terry G 3,005
Nigel Quin 2,891
PopTodd 2,890
Harriet Ames 2,870
MidniteBob 2,761
Nelson 2,616
Tom Tracy 2,558
Jerry Jakala 2,524
Al Alvarez 2,499
Eric Thome 2,448
Hummingbird 2,401
Stan Loh 2,263
Sam Wilson 2,247
Wendy D 2,235
Judy Hollier 2,232
Erica Ellis 2,202
maccharles 2,134
bennash 2,111
TrumanCoyote 2,096
Marty Helly 2,041
DukeWill 2,002
floyd jane 1,985
Clint Anglin 1,904
cindyrella 1,888
David Wright 1,866
Clairejeanne 1,851
Cindy LaRosa 1,824
Ronald Boyt 1,675
Iggy 1,653
Noel Downs 1,633
Rick Heenan 1,608
VNORTH2 1,581
Cal 1,574
GocartMoz 1,559
Jack Swain 1,554
Pete Larsen 1,537
Ann Tygart 1,529
Tom Breshers 1,487
RogerS 1,481
Tom Franz 1,473
Chuck Crowe 1,441
Ralph Blight 1,440
Rick Norton 1,429
Kenneth Cade 1,429
Deej56 1,419
bholt 1,411
Letha Allen 1,409
in2piano 1,404
Stan Simons 1,402
mattbanx 1,384
IronKnee 1,376
Jen Shaner 1,373
Charlie Wong 1,347
KevinP 1,324
Vondelle 1,316
Tom W. 1,313
Jan Petter 1,301
scottandrew 1,294
David Gill 1,286
lane1777 1,280
Gerry 1,280
DakLander 1,265
PeteG 1,242
Ian Ferrin 1,235
Glen King 1,214
IdeaGuy 1,209
AaronAuthier 1,177
summeoyo 1,174
Diane Ewing 1,162
ckiphen 1,161
joro 1,082
BobbyJoe 1,075
S.DEE 1,040
yann 1,037
9ne 1,035
Tony A 1,016
argo 986
peaden 984
90 dB 964
Wolvman 960
Jak Kelly 912
krtinberg 890
Petra 883
RJC 845
Brenda152 840
Nadia 829
ant 798
Juan 797
TKO 784
Dayson 781
Rob B. 781
frahmes 781
teletwang 762
Andy K 750
Andy Kemp 749
Irwin 741
tbryson 737
Jackie444 731
3daveyO3 704
Dixie 701
Pat Hardy 696
Joy Boy 695
Knute 686
Lee Arten 678
Moosesong 672
Katziis 652
R.T.MOORE 638
quality 637
CG King 622
douglas 621
R&M 614
Mel 614
NaomiSue 601
Shandy 590
Ria 587
TAMERA64 583
qbaum 570
nitepiano 566
pRISCILLA 556
Tink2 553
musica 539
deanbell 528
RobertK 527
BonzaiWag 523
Roderic 522
BB Wilbur 514
goodfolks 499
Zeek 487
Stu 486
Steve P. 481
KathyW 462
allenb 459
MaxG 458
Philjo 454
fanito 448
trush48 448
dmk 442
Rob L 439
arealrush 437
DGR 436
avweek 435
Stephen D 433
Emmy 431
marquez 422
kit 419
Softkrome 417
kyrksongs 415
RRon 408
Laura G. 407
VNORTH 407
Debra 407
eb 406
cuebald 399
EdPerrone 399
Dannyk1 395
Hobart 395
Davyboy49 393
Smile 389
GJShades 387
Alek 386
Ezt 384
tone 380
Marla 380
Ann_F 379
iggyiggy 378
coalminer 377
java 374
ddreuter 371
spidey 371
sweetsong 370
danny 367
Jim Ryan 360
papaG 353
Z - man 350
JamesDF5 348
John K 348
Jaden 344
TheBaz 340
Steggy 339
leif 339
tonedeaf 336
rickwork 334
Eddie Ray 332
Johnboy 328
Bob Lever 328
Helicon1 327
lucian 326
Muskie 321
kc 319
Z. Mulls 318
ptondreau 313
ONOFFON 312
Chris B. 310
trush 304
ed323 297
Ellen M 294
markus-ky 293
lizzorn 291
nicnac49 290
Char 286
ktunes 285
Top Likes Received
JAPOV 134
bennash 86
VNORTH2 67
Rob B. 38
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Rate Thread
#1194537 05/16/24 10:39 PM
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 201
Likes: 3
R
rpirone Offline OP
Serious Contributor
OP Offline
Serious Contributor
R
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 201
Likes: 3
This is a work in progress. Any comments or suggestions are welcome and appreciated.

Bad Luck And Trouble

I was born a child to these dirty streets
‘Neath the shadows of gray factory walls
A kid from the wrong side of the tracks
Prayin’ they wouldn’t be my downfall

Chorus
Ain’t nothin’ but hardships and hard falls
I was raised with my back to the wall
Try’n to climb out from under the rubble
Down at the crossroads of
Bad luck and trouble (2x)

I’m livin’ like a man on borrowed time
I think the one thing that scares me the most
Is the feeling that I’m losing the light
Edging too close to my own ghost

Bridge
Whistling past the graveyard all my life
Shadowboxing the things
That go bump in the night
Waltzing with the devil
Under a blood moon sky

Chorus

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 932
Likes: 55
B
Top 500 Poster
Offline
Top 500 Poster
B
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 932
Likes: 55
That reads very good to me. What type of music do you hear in the lines.

story-line wise, I hesitated on the last two lines, but the music might solve that.

Bill

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 201
Likes: 3
R
rpirone Offline OP
Serious Contributor
OP Offline
Serious Contributor
R
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 201
Likes: 3
Not sure about the music yet; maybe something in the Springsteen genre.

Agree about the last 2 lines. May replace those two lines but haven't come up with anything yet.

Thanks for checking this out.

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 932
Likes: 55
B
Top 500 Poster
Offline
Top 500 Poster
B
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 932
Likes: 55
But it is the bridge afterall....so writer goes for big drama. "waltzing" seems like the battle is lost....maybe "fencing" or and the blood mention hints just how well that is going...lol

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,581
Likes: 67
V
Top 200 Poster
Offline
Top 200 Poster
V
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,581
Likes: 67
These are just my personal preferences


...I would say “At the corner of
Bad luck and trouble”

“I’m living my life on borrowed time” ... where possible don’t use similes
“The one thing that scares me the most... you don’t need “I think”
Is the feeling I’m losing the light.... you don’t need “that”
Edging too close to my ghost” .... I wouldn’t put “own” in

Excellent writing here

Steve

Last edited by VNORTH2; 05/19/24 08:29 PM.

Creators of music have a responsibility to their craft. When they have finished using all the notes and words, they must pass them down to the next generation with a simple request. “Use these to create new music.”...Steven McDonald
1 member likes this: Barry Williams
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 201
Likes: 3
R
rpirone Offline OP
Serious Contributor
OP Offline
Serious Contributor
R
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 201
Likes: 3
Thanks, Steve. I appreciate you taking the time to offer suggestions. It's a work in progress so nothing is cast in concrete.

Last edited by rpirone; 05/21/24 03:53 PM.
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,090
Likes: 51
Top 40 Poster
Online Content
Top 40 Poster
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,090
Likes: 51
Your Structure seems odd.
Verse I would have its Melody.
The Chorus would have its Melody, different from the Verse.
Verse II would 'Repeat' the Melody of Verse I.
If you follow that single 'giving' of the Chorus with a Bridge, instead of the Chorus, the Bridge with its own Melody, that third 'variation' may lose listeners because the Structure is 'Too Much' Change/not 'Enough' Repetition. A B A C B Structure.
Song Structures can be very 'flexible' in this regard. Only hearing it would enable that Judgment Call.
A Structure of A B A B C B is typically more memorable. Verse I, Chorus, Verse II, Chorus, Bridge, Chorus.
Some Lines seem a little 'clumsy' in the Rhythm. Those will probably smooth out in the execution.

"Bad Luck And Trouble" Copyright 5-17-24 By rpirone

Verse I
I was born a child, to these dirty streets,
‘neath the shadows of gray fact'ry walls,
a kid from the wrong, side of the tracks,
Prayin’ they won’t, be my downfall.

Chorus
Ain’t nothin’ but hardship, and hard falls.
I was raised, with my back to the wall (I had a Line in a Song, "We grew up with our backs against the wall")
try’n to climb out from under the rubble, (Maybe 'crawl' instead of 'climb'.)
Down at the crossroad,
of Bad Luck And Trouble.
Down at the crossroad,
of Bad Luck And Trouble.

Verse II
I’m livin’ like a man, on borrowed time!
I think the one thing that scares me the most (If there's one thing, that scares me the most,)
Is the feeling that I’m losing the light (it's the feeling that, I'm losing the light,)
edging too close, to my (very) own ghost!

Chorus
Ain’t nothin’ but hardship, and hard falls.
I grew up with my back to the wall!
try’n to crawl, out from under the rubble,
Down at the crossroad,
of Bad Luck And Trouble.
Down at the crossroad,
of Bad Luck And Trouble.

Bridge
Whistling past the graveyard all my life,
shadowboxing the things,
that go bump in the night,
waltzing with the devil,
under a blood moon sky!

Chorus
Ain’t nothin’ but hardship, and hard falls.
I was raised, with my back to the wall
try’n to climb out from under the rubble,
Down at the crossroad,
of Bad Luck And Trouble.
Down at the crossroad,
of Bad Luck And Trouble.
Down... at the crossroad...
of Bad Luck And Trouble.

(The above Structure gives you seven 'hits' on THE Hook, the Title Line, making it more memorable.)

Below: (Flipping some Lines around, experimentally. A Bridge, ideally, is brief. It simply serves the function of breaking Repetition with Change, a variant Melody/Rhythm/Rhyme Scheme, enabling a final giving of the Chorus without Monotony.)

Bridge
I whistle past the graveyard,
in fear of my life,
shadowboxing the things,
that go bump in the night!
I waltz with the devil,
under a blood moon sky!

(Here, then, would be the final giving of the Chorus. However, you could simplify, and keep the Song shorter, perhaps short 'Enough' for radio, by just Repeating the Title Line, not the whole Chorus, as below.)

Bridge
I whistle past the graveyard,
in fear of my life,
shadowboxing the things,
that go bump in the night!
I waltz with the devil,
under a blood moon sky!

Coda (Final Musical Movenment)
Down at the crossroad,
of Bad Luck And Trouble.
Down... at the crossroad...
of Bad Luck And Trouble.

Last edited by Gary E. Andrews; 06/10/24 09:44 AM.

There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 201
Likes: 3
R
rpirone Offline OP
Serious Contributor
OP Offline
Serious Contributor
R
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 201
Likes: 3
Gary, thanks so much for the input. This is still a work in progress but I especially like your take on the chorus emphasizing the hook. I'll definitely be addressing that with the rewrite. Your advice is very much appreciated.

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,111
Likes: 86
Top 200 Poster
Online Content
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,111
Likes: 86

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 672
Top 500 Poster
Offline
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 672
This is really good. its filled with great wordplay and images.

I like waltzing with he devil,
I also would like 'sneaking past the devil' 'trading punches with the devil' or 'trying to dodge the devil'


IA robot walks into a bar - Bartender says What'll you have? Robot says 'your job'.


Music page
www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandid=707030


Link Copied to Clipboard
Support Just Plain Folks

We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.


Newest Members
Swami, chriscastle, yasir252, cathennashira, Samwise
21,471 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums118
Topics126,532
Posts1,170,051
Members21,471
Most Online37,523
Jan 25th, 2020
Just Plain Quotes
"Do not endeavor to be the smartest kid in a dumb class. Instead, you are better off being the dumbest kid in the smartest class, where you will be challenged and you will learn. If you aren't growing, you are dying." -Brian Austin Whitney
Today's Birthdays
The Chief (64)
Popular Topics(Views)
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5