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#1188428 07/30/23 11:58 PM
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I could've loved you forever
like the Baptist preacher said
For better or worse but however
You Ignored words in gospel red
You”re in a Motel in Atlanta
I'm home alone in Alabama
ch
Black dress fell on a floor
Bible in a drawer
Your one night stand
destroyed a man
Thats for damn sure
Saviors hanging on a blood soaked cross
For your broken commandment
v2
You pretend to be the angel
Do you deny dancing with the devil ?
It doesn't add up you being faithful
Catching you in them deceitful lies
Are you suffering in damnation
Hey Girl I’m counting on that
Ch
Bridge
Should I break one myself
Pull the 38 trigger
You first in hell
Ch
Black dress fell on a floor
Bible in a drawer
Your last one night stand
destroyed a man
Thats for damn sure
Saviors hanging on a blood soaked cross.
For my broken commandment
For her broken commandment
To late for broken commandments



So I think this is a wrap , I don't like singing sad songs , But its a good angle
Nashville has the work tape, So will see how turns out
Where did I get the hook ? From listening to AM Catholic Radio, Which is also very sad on the world
I tried for a hour on lines for a double homicide her and this guy in the hotel , But killing her is enough and would get to compilicted
And its not his fault.

I was thinking about using artificial intelligence and 15 songwritters and flying to the Bahhams and write it , but the rent is due , so thats a no go
How lazy can you get letting Robots write a song

But I am dating a robot and she will shop at Safeway , and I promise I won't say , You got the wrong stuff

melody is done , Waiting for Nashville tracks, Then sing it here in Oalkand Ca
But the producer caught covid , He thought he infected me last time there on the 20th. Nope all good on me

Last edited by bennash; 10/20/23 04:28 PM.
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""The only business was with Tony"" Lol...

I was married to the drunkest, craziest, meanest woman in Atlanta for 21yrs... All the Cops knew us by name!

I was way too afraid to screw around wink


The journey is definitely more important than the destination...
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I'm surprised it rhymed with Tony , lonely
I thought you might like that lol
then we have something in common , my 2nd wife was the same. meaner then a snake
All my marriges lasted 7 years 4 of them , This last ones on 8, I ALMOST find it funny

Last edited by bennash; 07/31/23 10:21 AM.
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Once bitten, twice shy here lol...

You have a very "rambling" and almost random writing style, but you zero in on good topics. "Broken Commandment" could really work smile


The journey is definitely more important than the destination...
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its pretty darn good , I wonder how it will sing ? Check on i later on melody
i don't like shame , But it works I guess

Last edited by bennash; 07/31/23 10:18 AM.
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Till death do us part
But that bottle is a bandit
I can't trade my heart
For a broken commandment...


The journey is definitely more important than the destination...
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Bring the bottle in ? , I like last to lines , lets go there

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Yeah', we can kick this around some smile


The journey is definitely more important than the destination...
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Don't say the bottle is the bandit, If we say that she can't blame the whiskey , She knew what she was doing, Shes the bandit, Like that tow truck driver who stole my 2nd wife lol, she said he's more endowed then you , Stick that knife a little deeper , Lovely women if you like Satan
So 2 more biblcal things in v2

Last edited by bennash; 07/31/23 11:36 AM.
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Whisky makes her
Shake her money maker


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could be to clever on that lol, shes not a hooker

Last edited by bennash; 07/31/23 11:38 AM.
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Yeah', but you know the type... One shot of Jack and the whole world suddenly revolves around her a$$ grin


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Sunday morning, she's a perfect angel
By sundown she's dancing like the devil
Straight Jack in a glass and shakin' her a$$
No shame for the joyous faithful


The journey is definitely more important than the destination...
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ha ha thats proably a new song lol, what is she a hooker ? didn't this wife have job in Atlanta ?

Last edited by bennash; 07/31/23 12:59 PM.
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We were married to the same women her name wasn't Eilenn was it

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not sure maybe Tony

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not sure she's in Atlanta with Tony

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Well were talking to her ,

Sunday morning, you wer a perfect angel
By sundown are you dancing like the devil
Straight Jack in a glass and shakin' your a$$
No shame for the joyous faithful
that might fit in v2 , better furniture

Last edited by bennash; 07/31/23 01:10 PM.
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This all looks very interesting.
How long a wait for the next instalment?

Vic


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.

http://store.cdbaby.com/cd/vicarnold2

http://www.soundclick.com/vicarnold

http://soundcloud.com/vic-arnold

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Lol... "TMI" Vic? grin

I'm just spitballing Ben, I can't stop my strange brain wink


The journey is definitely more important than the destination...
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ah you ain't strange , Looks alright now , Could just enough furinture without going over board , check it out later

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Hey Gary,
Come down here and show Ben how to condense a lyric wink


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lol . probably, it ain't that wordy man. Jelly Roll lyrics about the same . Thats one long bridge . 5 line chorus , 7 line verse , pres 3 lines , or a 9 line pre , shorten 2nd pre , he ends on a pre chorus, Mine has a tag of v1

[Chorus]
I only talk to God when I need a favor
And I only pray when I ain't got a prayer
So who the hell am I, who the hell am I to expect a savior, oh
If I only talk to God when I need a favor?
But, God, I need a favor

[Verse 1]
I know amazin' grace, but I ain't been livin' them words
Swear I spend most Sundays
Drunk off my ass than I have at church
Hard cover King James
Only been savin' dust on the nightstand
And I don't know what to say
By the time I fold my hands

[Chorus]
I only talk to God when I need a favor
And I only pray when I ain't got a prayer
So who the hell am I, who the hell am I to expect a savior, oh
If I only talk to God when I need a favor?
But, God, I need a favor

[Post-Chorus]
Amen, amen
See Jelly Roll Live
Get tickets as low as $20

You might also like
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Noah Kahan
Seek & Destroy
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No Complaints
Noah Kahan

[Verse 2]
Yeah, I owe you more than one
And beggars can't be choosers
But I'll pay for all I've done
Just pleasе don't let me lose hеr

[Chorus]
I only talk to God when I need a favor
And I only pray when I ain't got a prayer
So who the hell am I, who the hell am I to expect a savior, oh
If I only talk to God when I need a favor?
But, God, I need a favor

[Post-Chorus]
Amen, amen
Amen, amen

[Bridge]
Hangin' in there just barely
Throwin' up prayers like Hail Marys
If You're still there, Lord, spare me
Oh, my God, oh, my God, Hail Mary
Hangin' in there just barely
Throwin' up prayers like Hail Marys
If You're still there, Lord, spare me
Oh, my God, oh, my God, Hail Mary
[Chorus]
I only talk to God when I need a favor
And I only pray when I ain't got a prayer
So tell me, who the hell am I to expect a savior
When I only talk to God if I need a favor?
And, God, I need a favor

[Post-Chorus]
Amen
God, I need a favor
Woah
Amen

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[Verse 1]
Sucker punch somebody on a sidewalk
Carjack an old lady at a red light
Pull a gun on the owner of a liquor store
Ya think it's cool, well, act a fool if ya like
Cuss out a cop, spit in his face
Stomp on the flag and light it up
Yeah, ya think you're tough

[Chorus]
Well, try that in a small town
See how far ya make it down the road
'Round here, we take care of our own
You cross that line, it won't take long
For you to find out, I recommend you don't
Try that in a small town

[Verse 2]
Got a gun that my granddad gave me
They say one day they're gonna round up
Well, that [naughty word removed] might fly in the city, good luck

[Chorus]
Try that in a small town
See how far ya make it down the road
'Round here, we take care of our own
You cross that line, it won't take long
For you to find out, I recommend you don't
Try that in a small town
See Jason Aldean Live
Get tickets as low as $27

You might also like
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[Bridge]
Full of good ol' boys, raised up right
If you're looking for a fight
Try that in a small town
Try that in a small town

[Chorus]
Try that in a small town
(See how far ya make it down the road)
'Round here, we take care of our own
You cross that line, it won't take long
For you to find out, I recommend you don't
Try that in a small town
Try that in a small town, mm-mm

[Outro]
Try that in a small town
,
Number on hit on radio , About the same as mine , except short v2 to get to chorus quicker So kill 2 lines copy him
No pre I don't think , solo chorus again no bridge, yes there is



He got heat for this song, offended bloggers or something

Last edited by bennash; 08/05/23 09:36 AM.
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Just some thoughts...

I could've loved you forever
Just like the preacher said
For better or worse, but however
You ignored the words in red
In that cheap motel
You sent my heart to Hell
Ch
You're a broken commandment
With your dress on the floor
...(or pants for female singer ?)
That bottle was no bandit
You put your Bible in the drawer
My heart can't forgive the abandon
Your a broken commandment..
v2
Smiling like a Sunday angel
Dancing with a shameless devil
Nothing could have seemed stranger
Than a tryst between faithful
Blue eyes singing in the choir
Lit your adulterous fire
Ch
Bridge
Now I break one myself
Scorn tends to murmur
Jesus said hatred
Is kin to murder
You still use my name
But marriage takes two
So which of you
Do I blame
I'll never be the same...
Ch
Tag
I could've loved you forever
Just like the preacher said
For better or worse, but however
You ignored the words in red


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Bridge gets a tad poectic for country , alot of good stuff in this , shorten that v2 like Aldean to get to chorus quicker . Not sure on a female singer

Did you look at the Bible in the drawer, There in the drawers in motels I think
My heart can't forgive the abandon. maybe abandon might be to formal for country , I thought of that rhyme too
Your a broken commandment.

That works

I could've loved you forever
Just like the preacher said

Last edited by bennash; 08/02/23 04:49 PM.
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Lyrics
Two black Cadillacs driving in a slow parade
Headlights shining bright in the middle of the day
One is for his wife
The other for the woman who loved him at night
Two black Cadillacs meeting for the first time
And the preacher said he was a good man
And his brother said he was a good friend
But the women in the two black veils didn't bother to cry
(Bye bye, bye bye)
Yeah, they took turns laying a rose down
Threw a handful of dirt into the deep ground
He's not the only one who had a secret to hide
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Two black Cadillacs
Two black Cadillacs
Two months ago, his wife called the number on his phone
Turns out he'd been lying to both of them for oh so long
They decided then, he'd never get away with doing this to them
Two black Cadillacs waiting for the right time, right time
And the preacher said he was a good man
And his brother said he was a good friend
But the women in the two black veils didn't bother to cry
(Bye bye, bye bye)
Yeah, they took turns laying a rose down
Threw a handful of dirt into the deep ground
He's not the only one who had a secret to hide
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Yeah, yeah
(Two black Cadillacs)
It was the first and the last time they saw each other face to face
They shared a crimson smile and just walked away
And left the secret at the grave
And the preacher said he was a good man
And his brother said he was a good friend
But the women in the two black veils didn't bother to cry
(Bye bye, bye bye)
Yeah, they took turns laying a rose down
Threw a handful of dirt into the deep ground
He's not the only one who had a secret to hide
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah


its all conversatioal lines

Scorn tends to murmur. to fancy I think , we do not talk like that

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How did he know she was cheating in v1 on yours , I got that covered in v2 . Ok its rumors maybe , then found out on private eye for sure

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Intelligence and style...

I'm not a stereotypical country bumpkin lol. I hate that...
I refuse to limit myself to the lowest common denominator in Nashville, always have. I'm the anti-stereotype.

I'm convinced most country folk are tired of it too, especially Southerners.

So, I try real hard not to spoon feed the audience with generic "conversational" banality. Instead, I try to paint "visual word pictures"... and I'm not afraid to be concise and descriptive. The trick is not to overpower the listener with too much specific information; The lyric then becomes unrelatable.

Prosody is also a major factor. Lyrics are written to music, so they have to share a rhythm. Carrie's lyric is written for a modern "4 on the floor" country style. Which, in my opinion, is actually rock with a southern accent lol. I could write the same song in 3/4 time, with half the words, include more detail, and still be just as intentionally vague...

In short... I DO "talk like that" wink

It's your song, Ben... I'm just doing what I do smile


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So your saying my lines are stereotypical country bumpkin lol
Its not bad as is I used a few of your lines, Well Carries song was a number one hit , I do study them
I got her song She killed the guy with a car , and 2 women were invloved,
They both met at the graveyard where they buried him and apparently got away with it. lol, So basically she's a psycho , So this other women never asked if he was married ?
Right . Its her fault as much as his . It tugs at womens rights lets kill this guy , No divorce murder.. A man could never get away with this song . Double standards, Womens equality is convenient when they need it . You go to divorce court , Watch I'm the little poor girl oh shucks , Men lose all the time with that judge .

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Hmmmm...

Open casket, your favorite dress
I'll hide the vile with you
Small doses are untraceable
Only your little sister knew

Perhaps now you understand
We always had a plan...

Baby, I don't want to argue
You're right, don't matter what I think
Just know that I love you
Honey, have another drink

Last edited by JAPOV; 08/04/23 12:36 AM.

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Well I shot her right ? is this a fruedian slip on alcohol ? its a maybe I might break Thou shalt not kill, practice is a near rhyme
broken commandment is all in one rhyme , don't think I need to worry to much on a solid set up rhyme, So Jesus is on a cross for her cheating , Seems to work. Maybe practice don't work , its a sarcastic line on how many times have you cheated on me, if that makes sense and comes across at that, Maybe cheating takes some practice , its sarcastic still, Floor hits cross on a near rhyme

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Originally Posted by bennash
A man could never get away with this song . Double standards

I'm always up to a challenge wink


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ha ha ha, Well men don't get a shout out much , Adulerty in %'s is usually men on doing that, That evolution thing I guess, if you wanna entangle creation and the big bang therories.

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Lol...

Eve blamed the serpent, Adam blamed Eve, Kane killed Abel, Sampson was a complete idiot, King David had Bathsheba's husband killed, Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines...

Evolution my A$$!


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Cheating hurts damn it, there's the set up solid rhyme
Sampson , yup well women and all that , I'm not sure all that , the world being 4 billion years old , bible saying 6000 , Or some numbers like that
Solomon had 700 wives I'm close to that , I'm sure its a personal problem , Sex is a mean addiction, Its also natural , So there's the confuison . Basically it comes down to self control. what are you supposed to think about on a pretty girl ? Politics ? not really , You can guess what most men think. from 14 years old to 90. The bible is full of fallen men over sex. Out of all the 10 , Adulerty is going to be number 1 . if you look on history and men , The failure is adultery from common men , to great men , Say like Kennedy. Here's the deal on that women are always considered the victim . Thats not true , she jumped in bed with him , so its complete bullshit.
I'm not Saying RJ Kelly was not a piece of [naughty word removed] , But what were all them girls doing at his Mansion ? Expecting Sunday School lessons ? it was a free ride

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We obviously don't have the same rhythm in our heads lol...
But, yeah', you're getting the point across


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Well maybe like Aldeans That would not happen in a small town song , See how changes in v2 on on Rhythms ?
Just a thought


Last edited by bennash; 08/04/23 09:20 AM.
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Oh that 2nd one scrared me to death , I ended up homeless in a gagrage with carpet as a blanket
But it got better after she was gone . Much better lol

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Same bitch , I never did cheat on her , She ran off with a tow truck driver
First was the same ran off with a manager of a restaurant. My respect for women vanished after 3 divorces , Though Im happily married now , But i'm edgy , always aware they can leave in a heartbeat .

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Ok I killed her and we both broke a commandment
The twist on the end
I rewrote a few lines driving 5 hours to see Walker River , When now 3 wife’s have seen .I’m sure this will be the last wife

Last edited by bennash; 08/13/23 10:03 AM.
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https://soundcloud.com/elvisnash/broken-commandment-for-vox_85b
So that one studio blew me off cuz I killed her in bridge
So back to old studio

So let’s leave this a mystery in bridge
Should I break one myself
That might work

Last edited by bennash; 10/20/23 04:30 PM.

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