JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback MP3 Feedback Forum Don't Leave Me Alone

I found this song lyric in the Lyric Feedback Forum 2 the other day and it immediately caught my attention. The lines describe in great detail what mentally ill people go through. I found it challenging to write music for this song that sounded as dark as this lyric is. I'll leave it up to you to decide if I achieved my goal or not. These awesome lyrics are from Carroll Kiphen. I wrote the music and recorded all the instruments and vocals. Feedback is always appreciated.

https://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=14632843


DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE

Verse
Like a child inside a closet
Locked up for days at a time
I often feel claustrophobic
When I’m alone with my mind

Pre chorus
I hear the echoes of my conscience
It’s a voice tormenting my soul
Critical words of my father
Raking me over the coals

Chorus
Don’t leave me alone
Don’t leave me alone
Alone inside my head
Don’t leave me alone

Verse
I’m terrified of the darkness
Afraid of what I might do
I sometimes feel suicidal
When I’m alone in my womb

Pre chorus
I hear the crying from my mother
As I sit helplessly nearby
The malignant growth of my hatred
Refuses to let me cry

Chorus

Bridge
There’s a monster inside (inside my head)
A big bad monster inside (inside my head)
Whispering words like suicide (inside my head)
That big monster inside

Chorus

'Tsup Rob!
Just a small nit-pik... You've really created a great soundscape here, but that kick drum seems outa' place. I think it's way too bright.

Thanks Tony. I just mixed the drums a bit tighter. It does sound better now. I uploaded the new version to the same URL. All the best - Robert

Much Better!

Your feedback was very helpful. I've listened to the new version several of times and you're right, it is much better. Mega-thanks!

Musically and sonically this is awesome. Lyrically, it's just not as strong.

That's not to negate the lyricist part,v ive seen this guy have some great clollabs, so he knows something about making good songs

It's just a boring concept, boring title, and the lines are just so every day casual... like a child In a closet, sometimes I feel suicidal ..it's better to describe what you might do, instead of saying I don't know what I might do

It's too underwhelming for this great track. I think the lyrics helped define the melody and structure, bit they don't grab you in themselves.

Id like to hear a completely new set of lyrics.

It's also not great prosody. the music is dark in the verses, but hopeful in the chorus

Rewrite this for god sakes and be more poetic, I'm not reading a newspaper im listening to an emotional song.

I see great potential, I hope you guys change the lyrics

Wow!

This is a powerful expression and a great example of how someone sees/feels/hears mental demons in their head.

I'm not at all in objection to these lyrics as Fde was -- with all due respect Fde. I think the verse lyrics have definite poetic value, but not so much to be disconcerting. Yes the chorus slams home the frightened theme simplistically but I like that contrast which I think dramatizes the truth and paints the image of this tormented soul. I've known someone who described his inner thoughts closely to these lyrics and unfortunately and sadly did take his own life in fear of his own voices in his head. IMO, there are some great lyrical expressions here. With lyrics............are they ever finished anyway...........?

I would say from a music production standpoint, I'd back off on the synth volume a couple db and let the lead vox have a bit more presence. I could see David Bowie doing this song.

steady-eddie

You are allowed to disagree Eddie.

It was not meant as an attack, just a motivating moment.

Like a child in a closet,locked up for days at a time.

First of all, what child is locked up for days at a time, the kid would be gone.

I often feel clauatrophobic besides using the big word,hes not saying much usimg it

i "often feel claustrophobic"

Said like an arbitrary line, no emotion to it, it's just Intellectially being stated.

You wouldn't be saying it in that manner if it was a actually happening

Just seems boring to me, and in no way does it mean I'm better, or am I trying to be mean..

The opposite

Hullo Rob.
I agree somewhat with Fdem.

Not sure why the drums come in there. Maybe better to leave to the chorus for more impact.
Maybe also with the chorus bring the minor key in on the word "alone".
e.g. "Don't leave me" in Bb and "alone" in Gm.

Also as an example, you're not "Like a child in a closet". "I'm a child in a closet. A prisoner of time" is more meaningful I think, as the person still feels like that.

You could also change:
I’m terrified of the darkness
Afraid of what I might do
I sometimes feel suicidal (I've been told the night is harmless)
When I’m alone in my womb (But I know that can't be true)

The pre-choruses look fine

You can keep or sweep my suggs. Not sure of them myself. :-)

Vic

The way you're singing "Don't leave me alone" could be different.

Instead of . . _ . _ Don't leave me__ alone_
it could be _ _ . . _ Don't_ leave_ me alone_

Just a suggestion. You do what ever you want...

cool song man well thought out lyrically , one nit pik , you got suicde in v2 , Then again in bridge , I guess it still works
Nice job on this

Hey guys,
thanks for all the feedback here. I really appreciate it. I informed the lyricist (Carroll Kiphen) to take a close look at all your remarks. He might comment them. All I can say in regards to the lyrics is that they inspired me to create a beautiful piece of music. I'm always very grateful when that happens.
As for the music, I'll take a closer look at some of these suggestions. The drums have been causing me headaches from the very beginning. Again, thank you all for the feedback.

All the best
Robert