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#1185123 03/10/23 05:52 PM
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Sometimes you just gotta stop with the funny stuff and squeeze out a sad one!

All comments and suggestions appreciated, as always.

https://on.soundcloud.com/nVt2a

I HAD MY HEART SET ON YOU

Your lips touch your glass of wine
There's a sadness in your smile
So I tell you I'm going to be be fine
It's just going to take a little while
But as I watch you take that last sip of prosecco
I feel as empty as your glass
I'm not ready for you to be an echo
Bouncing off the walls of my past

Do I hold you, do I kiss you, do I say how much I'll miss you
I have no clue what to do
Because, you see, silly me
I had my heart set on you

Come here and let me hold you
Hug you maybe just a little bit too tight
Door closing, the air is cold
I see you turning off the light
I throw my car and my life into reverse
It's a road I've been along
A few times now, I guess I'm just another verse
In an old, familiar song

I want to turn the car around but I keep driving across town
I have no clue what to do
Because, you see, silly me
I had my hear set on you

Don't talk to me of other fish in the sea
I don't want them swimming up to me
I have no clue what to do
I had my heart set on you.

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Impressive Gav! Definitely not your usual smile

I crave a minor chord at the 5th line of the long verses, but that's probably just me...

Good VOX too!

""I'm not ready for you to be an echo
Bouncing off the walls of my past"" NICE!

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Gavin,

Yes we all need to change up our vibes else we become too singular in our artistic expressions--isn't that one of the reasons why the Beatles popularity kept escalating? Your melody fits your vibe like a glove. My only "nit" is that there's a missing "t" on (heart) next to last verse.............needs edited else the song won't have a chance.....(joking)..........LOL!

steady-eddie

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Hi Gavin,

This is very pretty and heartfelt.

The chorus in your song feels more like a verse continuation with a titular tag at the end and I think it's because the orchestration/arrangement stays the same as in the verses and your vocal stays in the same range as in the verses as well.

If making the chorus feel distinctly different from the verses is something you might think you'd want to try, think about changing up the instrumentation in the chorus a little more than you do, and you do go to the 4 chord at the start of the chorus, a chorusy thing to do, but I wished for the vocal to elevate a bit there, too.

Just some ideas to consider; I'm always loving what you do.

Mike

PS...watch out for those "titular tags" --I hear they can be very painful. laugh

Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 03/12/23 06:26 PM.

Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

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Nice lyric and song Gavin...kudos to the Mysterious Beings

Oh.....and anyone who knows the provinance of this lyric would disagree and say you have definitely not given up the funny stuff....


If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop

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Originally Posted by Michael Zaneski
Hi Gavin,

This is very pretty and heartfelt.

The chorus in your song feels more like a verse continuation with a titular tag at the end and I think it's because the orchestration/arrangement stays the same as in the verses and your vocal stays in the same range as in the verses as well.

If making the chorus feel distinctly different from the verses is something you might think you'd want to try, think about changing up the instrumentation in the chorus a little more than you do, and you do go to the 4 chord at the start of the chorus, a chorusy thing to do, but I wished for the vocal to elevate a bit there, too.

Just some ideas to consider; I'm always loving what you do.

Mike

PS...watch out for those "titular tags" --I hear they can be very painful. laugh

Thanks, Mike, as always for your thoughtful comments, especially regarding the chorus. I didn't think of this as a "chorusy" song, and just brought in the drums softly behind the part that might be said to be a chorus, but I had wondered if I should add a little more. I'll think about that when i get back to it, which might be a little while, since I have gone and broken my arm. That's also why it's taking some time to respond to people's comments.

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I like the vocal out front, you seem to always have really good sound quality. I like the song, Vox are good. Maybe a little more change up at the chorus? I don't dunno, I'm still learning how to write much less critique, but I enjoyed the listen.

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Originally Posted by JAPOV
Impressive Gav! Definitely not your usual smile

I crave a minor chord at the 5th line of the long verses, but that's probably just me...

Good VOX too!

""I'm not ready for you to be an echo
Bouncing off the walls of my past"" NICE!
Thanks Tony,
As I said to Mike, it's taking me a while to respond to comments because I've broken all kinds of things in my arm. That line starts off G major and moves to E minor at "watch." I understand your craving, though. When I was writing it, I thought it would go straight to a minor chord, but it didn't sound as good somehow.

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Originally Posted by E Swartz
Gavin,

Yes we all need to change up our vibes else we become too singular in our artistic expressions--isn't that one of the reasons why the Beatles popularity kept escalating? Your melody fits your vibe like a glove. My only "nit" is that there's a missing "t" on (heart) next to last verse.............needs edited else the song won't have a chance.....(joking)..........LOL!

steady-eddie
Thanks Eddie. I'll go back and check the missing "t." Wouldn't want to miss out on a mega hit because of that. smile

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Well, this oughta' be good... wink

What did you do, Gavin? How in the world did you break your arm?

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Not that good, I'm afraid, Tony. I tripped over an ivy root and projected myself like a missile onto a concrete path. Had a six hour surgery to repair and replace various parts. The surgeon had done all the procedures but never all at once, but he seems pleased with the job he did and I'm hoping his confidence is justified. In the meantime I have to keep my arm raised, so I'm limiting my time at the computer. Also still feeling groggy from the operation, even though it was 5 days ago.

If I felt better I would spin you a yarn about trying to take down my neighbor's Trump 2024 flag and falling out of the tree.

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Well, just damn... Gotta' watch them roots, Gav wink

Seriously though, get well soon my friend. As long as you still have an opposable thumb, YOU'RE STILL IN THE GAME!

Just don't mix your meds with booze, wander next door, and break your other arm smile

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Here I go again , hearing other artists, and this one suggests the weepies.....very similar style. If I had not read while listening, I wouldn't really be able to pick the chorus out. Love the acoustic lines, nice and clear.

As with so many of us here, it also has that sixties folk connection, and that's a good thing as far as I am concerned.

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Originally Posted by maccharles
Here I go again , hearing other artists, and this one suggests the weepies.....very similar style. If I had not read while listening, I wouldn't really be able to pick the chorus out. Love the acoustic lines, nice and clear.

As with so many of us here, it also has that sixties folk connection, and that's a good thing as far as I am concerned.

Thanks, Mac. I'm not familiar with The Weepies. I'll have to check them out.

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Great lyric Gavin, including the prosecco and the echo coupling.
A heartfelt weepy which avoids the maudlin and creepy.
Well written, well done
Regards
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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GAVIN! smile

Where have you been!?
How's the arm?
Doing Ok?

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The arm is slowly getting better with occupational therapy, thanks. It's all been a bit depressing, so it's probably good for everyone's sake that I haven't been around here for a little while, bringing everyone down lol. Getting back to thinking about music and may even have a new song to post soon.


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