JPF Home Page Forums Creative Arts Forums Creative Writing Forum "ALEXA, HOLD MY BEER"

A short story by Michael W. Brown

"ALEXA, HOLD MY BEER"

Matt spent the better part of his day like he always does. In silence, because that's what Matt likes. That's what keeps Matt "happy." That is what keeps his "constant drizzle of sticky notes" to a tolerable "intermittent spring rain," as he likes to describe his lifelong "struggle" with ADHD. And when he's not immersed in his own thoughts, stories, struggles, conflicts, memories....., he's playing music. On his computer, his phone or on his blue tooth stereo in his car. If not playing music, he's making music on his guitar. He's creating words, composing songs, arranging melodies, conflating it all into the story of him. The Story of Matt, a little piece at a time.
When Matt is not bereft in silence, inundated with musical sounds or creating its predecessor, he is either reading history, or a classic novel, or Matt is loudly, unapologetically and without remorse bitching about the political state of America. He is, after all a "patriot," serving honorably in the Army for 10 years. He is all about family, despite a painful divorce after 25 years of "wedded blisters". He loves his children, grandchildren, brothers, Mom, Dad......He is proud to say he survived a brutal assault from a "family friend" at 11 who fed him alcohol and, along with his girlfriend commenced to sexually assaulting him in the middle of the night while on an outing at the lake. And although being the rambunctious "middle child" with a lightning fast tempter, near-genius intelligence and significant fighting skills, not even this direct blow to his prepubescent psyche could send him over the edge and into the abyss.
That's not to say he hasn't quite enjoyed dancing on the edge from time to time. Like now, for instance, as he radio's "Ice 9" from his isolated abode in the hills of central Texas, behind the times, another casualty of that long forgotten age of grace, God, manners, respect, American values, little league baseball and family trips. When community was real, politics were simple and bipartisan, at least it was perceived that way. When truth was all there was and love was the answer to all conflicts and resolution. But not today.

"Ice Nine, Ice One come in."
"Go ahead Ice One."
"Ice Nine......WE ARE A GO! I REPEAT, WE ARE A GO."
"Uhhh.....Ice One....ummm.....Do I copy correctly?.....IT'S A GO??
"I say again, do I copy, It's a GO?.......NOW?" OVER."
(5 second pause)
"That's AFFIRMATIVE, Ice Nine. WE ARE A GO.....NOW!"
"Ice One 10-4.....I copy....WE ARE A GO....Initiating now."
"Copy that, Ice One out....and Good Luck."

Matt plopped on his used couch, packed a bowl of premium Skunk into a small pipe and proceeded to light it, pulling in a large plume of heated, flowery goodness and slowly blowing it out. As the turpines flooded his senses and the active ingredients suddenly halted the anxiety strewn flood of this very moment, the culmination of 6 months of planning and choreography comes down to this very, solumn moment..... when absolutely nothing happens....and all hell breaks loose.

2

Just when Matt went to load bowl # 2, in sequence, both front and back doors explode with a tremndous blast, followed by loud yelling, an ear-throttling percussion blast and no less than 5 M-16 rifles pointed at Matt's head.

"DON'T MOVE MOTHA-FUCKA OR ILL BLOW YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF."

Matt immediately throws his hands up in the air as his Mini-Hooka goes crashing to the floor.

"Morning boys, that was fast. Which one of you PUSSIES is gonna pay for my Hooka?"

Just then the butt of one of those rifles comes down hard onto Matts temple, knocking him off the couch and onto the floor, followed by a crisp, sharp knee to his back, with enough force to deplete every ounce of oxygen from his body for a brief second. Warm blood now flowed in Matt's right eye as he is quickly searched, cuffed and marched to an awaiting van, where he is again slammed to the floor of the van and cuffed to a steel bar that rises about 3 inches from the bottom and lines the entire length of the van down the center.

"Dammit to hell, I TOLD my wife to pay that ticket, honest officer....if Ida known I....."

"SHUT THE [naughty word removed] UP!....before we make a pitstop at Memorial Hospital en route to perpetual solitary confinement for life, you [naughty word removed]. NOW SHUT THE [naughty word removed] UP!"

Matt contemplated his next move carefully.....for about 5 seconds."

"[naughty word removed] YOU, BITCHES. [naughty word removed] YOU ALL! I WON!!! YOU HEAR ME, MOTHERFUCKER?
I. FUCKING. WON!!!!!!"

A sharp kick to Matt's ribs and one to his left thigh convinced Matt, at least temporarily that he didnt want to take this entire ride with a beat down all the way there. So he kept quiet, only occasionally and violently spitting the blood from his mouth that seemed to fill his oral cavity from an impressive gash just below his right ear. He turned his head onto his left side to stem the bloody flow and was suddenly looking into the face of one of his captors, still breathing a little fast from the chaos that just occured, glaring down at him with a biting, threatening stare that was straight out of a Tom Clancy novel. His growl quickly turned to a smile as Matt winked at him and smacked his lips together in a kissing motion. The officers smile slowly faded as he brought the butt of his rifle down again.

3

That was the last thing Matt remembered until he awoke in the infirmary of the Federal Correctional Institute in Washington, DC. His head was bandaged. One eye was covered with a metal patch and gauze. Both feet and one hand were chained to the bed frame. A lone guard sat at the entrance of his room playing some game on his phone. He was a large black man in a nice, italian suit, probably 6'4", 250-ish. He wore a shiney gold badge around his neck. He had a weapon, poorly hidden in a shoulder holster just inside his gray coat. "The View" blared in the back of the room which nearly convinced Matt that he had, in fact died and gone to hell.

"I want my Lawyer," Matt said in a parched, raspy, barely audible voice.

"What?" snapped the Officer.

Clearing his throat Matt repeated his request. "I said I want my lawyer, NOW!"

Surprisingly the officer closed down his game and placed a call.

"He's awake."

4

A square looking team of VIP's marched into the room and scrambled for chairs, getting the staff to fetch a few more. They placed their chairs in a semi circle at the foot of the bed, with one lone man sitting directly to Matt's right, opposite his patched left eye. One had a tape recorder. They all had pad and paper. The lone female was perhaps the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and he quickly surmised that she was probably banging the goon who now was now staring at him, close enough to invade his space, with a shitty smile that told him he was, one, in charge, two, he was immensly proud of himself and three, he was most certainly a self-righteous douche nozzle. After reading Matt his rights in the most condescending way possible, he began:

"Mr Matthew Reed Brown, age 56, Army Vet, amateur musician, Registered Nurse for 35 years........aaand someone who is in an awful lot of trouble. You are currently charged with a litany of Federal crimes to include, High Treason, Attempted Capital Murder of the President of the United States of America, Conspiracy to commit Treason, Conspiracy to Commit Capital Murder of the President of the United States, Conspiracy to commit......."

"Wait, wait.." Matt interrupted, "This isnt because I failed to pay your Mom for that bathroom blowjob at 7-11 is it?"

FBI Assistant Chief Barnes was not amused. He glanced over at his team and back at Matt with a look of incredulity and perhaps embarrassment. He forced a laugh and pulled even closer until he was within an inch of his nose.

"You're going to tell me about each and every member of your little plot and you're going to tell me now or you will simply just disappear from the record, my friend. We have your recorded phone calls, several gun purchases, encrypted texts, phone conversations, coded dialogue,.....we have your "Manifesto" hidden in some long forgotten dialect that only 4 people in the world can decipher. We know your political ties to the Republican party, your hate for the current Government and complete disdain for Democrats, Liberals and anyone who is fighting for racial equality, equal rights and respect for the LGTBQ and people of color, women and.........

"I will reveal everyone involved. I will give you all the names, tell you where to find all the shooters and bombs....I will tell you everything you want to know AFTER I talk with MY LAWYER! AND NOT BEFORE!!!!"

FBI Chief Assistant Chief Barnes grabs the room phone from Matts bedside table and jams it into the gut of Matt Brown, hard enough to get a little grunt in return.

"I'll need a phonebook, sweetheart," Matt says with a smirk and one is retrieved from the Nurses station and tossed onto the bed, nearly from the door by the beloved Assistant Chief. But not before Matt winked at him and made a kissing sound with his lips. The agent stormed out followed closely by his 3 stoolies and the one, lone female, who snuck in one lovely, final glance as she turned to leave, whereby Matt put two fingers up to his mouth and gauze-wrapped left ear, whispering, "Call me." Which, much to Matt's surprise, garnered a sheepish grin.

Matt dials the number and waits, glancing up at the TV to catch this "Breaking News on CNN...."
" We have stunning breaking news of a foiled plot by a Texas man to assassinate President Biden, Kamala Harris, Chuck Schumer, Nancy Pelosi and several other high ranking Democrat party members. Sources inside the FBI, who uncovered the plot in December, state that Matthew R Brown of Kerrville, Texas has been in communications with several operatives who all appear to have a hand in this attempted mass murder plot against some of America's top ranking Government officials. FBI spokesman and senior FBI official on the case say that Mr Brown has already admitted that it is his voice that is prominent in the recordings, apparently made from his home in Texas, plotting the mass assassination. Also confiscated were several high powered rifles, 4 handguns, an encripted "Manifesto" explaining his reasoning behind this failed plot and several Maga hats and American flags........."

"....This is the Attorney Generals office of Texas. If you are calling from a touch tone phone, dial "0" at any time to reach an operator............"

5

(3 weeks later at the Senate hearing of Matthew R Brown. Senator Chuck U Schumer, Chairman and ranking Senior Democrat Member, residing.

(Bangs Gavel)

"Can I have order in the Senate so we can proceed with this and settle this matter post haste? I have called a special Senate session at the behest of the Federal Attorney General's office and the State of Texas Attorney Generals office to resolve this matter once and for all. This defendent, who has already admitted to undertaking a series of plots to undermine democracy, to commit acts of treason and to ceremoniously assassinate myself, our President, Vice President and several other high ranking members of this body," has agreed to speak before the Senate today to not only confess to this body the full plot of his act of wonton violence upon elected officials but to reveal his co-conspirators and presumably to also point the finger at high ranking members of the GOP who also, according to Mr Brown, had a hand in this attempt to murder Democrats en masse. For this reason we have called this special session and have taken steps to protect Mr Brown leading up to this hearing, setting him up in an undisclosed location, so as to successfully and safely deliver him to this body in order to obtain the full picture in this unprecedented plot against our great Democracy and esteemed body of Legislatures"
"Mr Brown will give an opening statement which will entail his entire plot, reveal every co-conspirator involved, followed by a series of questions from our lawyers, investigators and members of this prestigious body of legislatures. Mr Brown, whenever you're ready, sir."

"Thanks Chuck," Matt smirks.
"And you will address this body as "Sir" or "Senator" Mister Brown," Schumer snaps."
'Yessir." My apologies your immensness"

"Ladies and Gentleman, my fellow Americans and Patriots, and the remaining Democrat party and their media puppets, thank you for allowing me to speak today before you. No doubt each and every one of you, including the millions watching at home through several media souces as well as people all over the world, are eager for me to reveal the depth of my plot and to hand over those who helped coordinate this plot along side of me. Some of you just want to know why. So I will begin with a brief explanation as to why I went to great lengths to plan and carry out this attempted "mass murder" (air quotes) of our leadership.

Since 911, YOU, (pointing to Chuck U Schumer) and our Federal Govt have been spying on American's. YOU have teamed up with Corporate America to slowly negate our rights and freedoms promised in the Constitution. You read our emails, spy on our tweets, posts, you listen in on our private, personal calls, you attack and undermine those who are Conservative, Republican, Trump supporters, not "woke" enough. You "cancel" our jobs, hide our thoughts, hide the truth and spread false, fake stories to destroy those who don't comply. Our intelligence agencies spy on us now with reckless abandon. Our FBI, CIA and NSA are squarely in the pockets of the Left and the radicals in this body today and you have allowed and encouraged it all to happen. Your unscrupulous quest for power and control have far exceeded the measures allowed by our forefathers to acquire it. You've harrassed citizens for political reasons, inculcated the media in your propaganda campaign, confiscated property without legal authority, arrested and silenced agitators and have enlisted big tech to help silence the millions of us who are simply just FED THE [naughty word removed] UP. Furthermore...."

(Slams Gavel)

"Mister Brown, we will NOT allow you to sit here and disparage this body and curse and use inappropriate language in these chambers...."

"Reclaim my TIME"!

"MIS-TER BROWN....!"

"Are you done, Chuck? I'd like to wrap this up."

(Gavel, Gavel, GAVEL.....)

"MISTER BROWN......"

"Point of Order!" says Republican Ted Cruz.

"Senator Cruz, distinguished gentleman from Texas...."

"Christ Chuck, Let "em speak," Cruz barks.

(Laughter in the Chamber)

(Gavel, Gavel, GAVEL....)

"ORDER....ORDER.....(GAVEL....GAVEL)

"May I finish, Pul-eeese?" Matt speaks up.

"Yes, please finish...and watch your mouth in this chamber, Sir."

Just then two Congressional officers came in and stood on either side of Matt. Matt glanced up slowly at one, then the other, then laughed, shaking his head.

"You guys......unbelievable."

"Wrap it up Mr Brown, you have places to go."

"Fine........."

Matt takes a sip of water and a deep breath.....and continues.

"Since July, 2020 I have been reading from a script I wrote entitled, "Bye Bye Biden." It's a ficticious story about a plot to assassinate Democrats and the President. And for the last 6 months, I have been "talking" with suspicious characters, texting ficticious "assassins," "calling" ficticious co-conspirators, "plotting" "scheming", driving to reclusive destinations at odd hours, "conversing" with "ghosts" who were all a part of the "plot"...who were all a part of this plan to simply expose our federal government and their network of spies currently praying on Americans. There was never a "plot" to kill anyone. I was merely acting out a scenario IN MY HOME, in front of my TV, next to my phone, near my computer, in my car, via texts and social media.....I never had contact with ANYONE except for the characters I summoned to listen to my "plot." I own legal weapons, I have no criminal record and do not currently pose a threat to anyone here or anywhere else for that matter. This was ONE BIG HOAX designed to see just how pervasive this spy network on America citizens runs. How deep this corruption and stark violation of our basic right of privacy and safety goes. It appears to me and I'm sure to members of this body that it runs pretty fucking deep.....
(gavel, gavel, gavel......)
(Pandemonium erupts in the chambers)

"ORDER....ORDER....(GAVEL, GAVEL)....ORDER!!!!

"MISTER BROWN....MISTER BROWN, do you mean to sit here and tell us that this was all just some hairbrained scheme to embarrass this body and this Government? Do you expect this body of lawyers and lawmakers to believe such a ridiculous notion? Our FBI men and women are some of the best in the world. Our intelligence is second to none and the evidence we have currently contradicts this non sense youre spewing forth today. Now I demand you start revealing the truth or I will end this session and sent you back to your cell."

(Matt holds up a Compact Disc)

"Look Dick,....."

(Gavel, Gavel)

"You will address me by "Senator" or "Sir," Mr Brown or I will immediately....."

"My apologies Chuck (gavel),...but I have this CD that I'd like to present into evidence."

"OBJECTION" is called out by several members on the Democrat side of the isle.

"....I also have a CD for the media...." (Stands and walks toward the press pool but is immediatley grabbed by each arm by security).

"What the [naughty word removed]....get your fucking hands off me." (pulls away)

(Gavel, Gavel, Gavel)

"Mr Brown, please take your seat."

"No need for strong arming, Chuck, you're on camera. I simply want to give the press members a copy as well."

"I have no objection", says Ted Cruz.

(Gavel, Gavel...)

"The gentleman from Texas will refrain from speaking out of turn in this chamber. I also have no problem with that, please hand over the CD's to security and we will pass them out to the......"

"No Sir," Matt speaks up. "I wish to see them disseminated to the press, right here, right now in full view of the cameras."

"I have no issue with that, Mr Brown. Security, please collect these CD's and pass them to CNN, NY Times, Washington Post....."

"No Sir....I OBJECT" yells Matt.

"You cannot object, Mr Brown," Chuck U Schumer retorts.

"BULLSHIT!"

(Gavel, Gavel)

"MR. BROWN...."

"My apologies, Chuck.....but I want these to go to Fox News, Breibart, Washington Times, BBC, Skye News, One America News and NOT CNN, WAPO, NYT....and if I may finish up my opening statement."

"Officer, please pass those out to the press as instructed. Now please wrap it up, Mr Brown," Chuck Schumer snarls.

"Okay, very well.

(Matt takes another sip of water and another deep breath and continues.....)

"On this CD that was just admitted into evidence and disseminated to our HONEST press corp, reveals one of the greatest hoaxes of our time. Not an admission to a plot to assassinate our leaders, not a conspiracy to commit treason or murder. There are NO other players in this plot, no co-conspirators, no bombs, no guns, no nothing. What IS on that CD is me, reading a play about a plot to kill the President and others, written by me for one purpose. To be heard. To have my "correspondences" intercepted. To have my words picked up by corporate spies and Government agents if ONLY to reveal the depth of our GOVERNMENTS PLOT to spy on, harass, monitor, read our private emails, texts, listen in to our calls, intercept messages, threaten and ultimately control us all. The FBI and its spy network of Govt Brown shirts fell for my "plot" hook, line and sinker. In July 2020 it was clear to me that intrusive actors were monitoring me and my correspondences to fellow Republicans that I am sure revealed my disgust at our current Govt, their plot to steal our election, exploit the Corona Virus and to use corporate media entities to usurp our freedoms with backdoor control by their corporate stooges. So, I hatched this plot to play out this H.G. Wells style of story telling from the comforts of my home, with the lone intention of proving the invasivness of this spying network against honest Americans. And it worked. It worked to perfection. YOU ARE ALL BUSTED."

(Matt stands up to face the cameras as security moves closer).

"American citizens......our Government is spying on us. Everything they "have on me" (air quotes) I HAVE on this CD. There was NO PLOT to harm anyone, but to save us from THEM!!" (Points to Chuck U Schumer).

(Gavel, Gavel, gavel)

"ORDER....I CALL FOR ORDER IN THIS CHAMBER, NOW. Security, take Mr Brown into custody and confiscate all CD's from the press corp at once," Schumer commands.

"Hey wait a fucking minute......WAIT, GODDAMN IT! I want the people to know! I want everyone to know how corrupt you FUCKS ARE!! "LET GO OF ME, MOTHER FUCKER......."

"GET HIM THE HELL OUT OF HERE! LOCK DOWN THIS HEARING, NO ONE LEAVES!"

"HEY [naughty word removed] YOU, CHUCK. FUUUUCKKK YOUUUU!.......

(The following day. Headlines in the NY Times.)

"IMPROMPTU SENATE HEARING ABRUPTLY CANCELLED. MATT BROWN REMOVED TO SOLITARY CONFINEMENT."

(Headlines NY Times, 2 months later)

"MATT BROWN FOUND DECEASED IN CELL. SUICIDE SUSPECTED."

The End.

Only in dreams could it ever happen--Have to have enough strong beer and Steinhager!

Mackie

LOL!

Oh, maaann... I was expecting a happy ending. A sea of red MAGA hats washing over DC with Trump on a bull-horn yelling, "Get the FFFFUK outta' my house!"

LOL.....sorry JP, just keeping it real.