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Joined: Jul 2017
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Music and vocals/ David Leckitch https://soundcloud.com/carroll-kiphen/fifteen-feetFifteen feet away/ distant star Verse You light the room with your smile. I wish you shined for me. If I could have but one wish It’d be that you loved me. Pre chorus How I wish, how I wish You’ll be mine someday. Distant star, distant star So, so far away Chorus This room is a galaxy Yet you’re fifteen feet away. Fifteen, feet, fifteen feet away. Verse It breaks my heart you don’t see The way I look at you. If I could kiss you one time It’d be my dream come true. Pre chorus How I wish, how I wish You’ll be mine someday. Distant star, distant star So, so far away Chorus This room is a galaxy Yet you’re fifteen feet away. Fifteen, feet, fifteen feet away. Bridge I lay awake at night Gaze out at the sky Dream of my distant star The way your smile shines. Tag It feels like a billion miles But you’re fifteen feet away.
Last edited by ckiphen; 06/18/21 01:40 PM.
Ckiphen
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Joined: Oct 2017
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Sounds like DJ.... I think
Catchy and nice feel, it woulda helped if you had edited the lyrics to fit what was being sung...
To my ear the "how I wish" sounds like the chorus, and the title. Kinda buddy Hollyish
The fifteen feet part sounds like a bridge, which would probably be better used once, after the second chorus. But then you have another bridge, so i dont know how that would work.
One possibility is changing the how I wish lyric.... into fifteen feet.....
fifteen feet....fifteen feet,
add line...
(twenty feet would sing better with that melody... lol)
Just some ideas to toy around with, all free of charge.
Last edited by Fdemetrio; 06/18/21 11:53 AM.
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Joined: Jul 2017
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Yes it's Deej. He changed up the lyrics slightly.
Ckiphen
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Joined: Sep 2007
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Hey Carroll,
It's always a challenge when a song has 2 TITLES cause if the writer isn't sure what to name it, what's the listeners take on what to call the tune? I get why you did it, because of the contrast between close quarters and a galaxy far, far away. I would rather one TITLE be more dominant in the LYRIC, but the way the LYRIC is, it's pretty difficult to distinguish what should be the TITLE...So in the end I guess a dual TITLE was necessary.
Good fun vibe to the tune & the storyline is clear & you feel for the main character who is so close & yet so far...
Nice job guys
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Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,610 Likes: 68
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I think Deej did a fine job with this! I just wish the recording had more "UMPPH"... 
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