The last verse in the piece is what is known in the field as "hitting bottom". And can apply to other things besides only excessive drinking. That's when you reach the point when you may wonder why you even got out of bed. Perhaps I'll come up with one with that theme. Felt very fortunate that I never developed a huge taste for drinking-- only a beer every now and then. For another powerful piece on this subject, check out Lucinda Williams' "Drunken Angel".
You don't have THE Hook. "Talk To Me" is your intended title, but it's not the gist of the Storyline. Even though she says it, there's no follow-up. She doesn't ask again, just that one time in the Chorus. And he doesn't talk to her. And using it as the first Line of the Chorus makes it forgotten by the end of the Chorus. THE Hook is the main idea of a Song. When you hear it it sums up what the Exposition in the Verses has been leading up to. The last Line of a Chorus is a strategic position. Even if you use it in the first Line using it again in the last Line means that's what's left ringing in their ears. I'd rewrite to get "Talk To Me" into the Exposition in the Verses. She wanted to talk to try to fix the relationship, to fix the drunkard. Even if there's no happy ending, that missed chance to talk and maybe have a different outcome is the main idea of the Storyline. It might be too clever to find a happy ending if they do talk. Sad Songs are easier to write. The ones where things are going good and stay good are rarer, and harder to write, maybe. Maybe not. If I were you, I'd talk to her. In fact, if you don't, I'm probably the guy who will. LOL
There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
This song definitely needs some rework Gary. I will take all your suggestions in when re-writing. I and Iím sure many others on this site appreciate all the critiques you give to us. They are mostly spot on and always will make for a better song. I just hope that those that take your ideas to heart myself included will include you in the co-write credits. I have on a couple of tunes.
I think you have a good start here, but i want to see more of the evolution of the problem. I also think in the chorus you could be more repetitive...you say "she says talk to me" i imagine her saying it again and again to try to get through to him. You allude to it, but only say it once in each chorus. What about switching it around and telling it from her perspective? Just as an exercise?