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#1177813 - 06/18/21 11:17 AM Fifteen Feet  
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 837
ckiphen Offline
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ckiphen  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 837
- Select One - huntsville, te...
Music and vocals/ David Leckitch

https://soundcloud.com/carroll-kiphen/fifteen-feet

Fifteen feet away/ distant star
Verse
You light the room with your smile.
I wish you shined for me.
If I could have but one wish
It’d be that you loved me.
Pre chorus
How I wish, how I wish
You’ll be mine someday.
Distant star, distant star
So, so far away
Chorus
This room is a galaxy
Yet you’re fifteen feet away.
Fifteen, feet, fifteen feet away.
Verse
It breaks my heart you don’t see
The way I look at you.
If I could kiss you one time
It’d be my dream come true.
Pre chorus
How I wish, how I wish
You’ll be mine someday.
Distant star, distant star
So, so far away
Chorus
This room is a galaxy
Yet you’re fifteen feet away.
Fifteen, feet, fifteen feet away.
Bridge
I lay awake at night
Gaze out at the sky
Dream of my distant star
The way your smile shines.
Tag
It feels like a billion miles
But you’re fifteen feet away.

Last edited by ckiphen; 06/18/21 02:40 PM.

Ckiphen
#1177816 - 06/18/21 12:49 PM Re: Fifteen Feet [Re: ckiphen]  
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 4,147
Fdemetrio Offline
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Fdemetrio  Offline
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Posts: 4,147
Sounds like DJ.... I think

Catchy and nice feel, it woulda helped if you had edited the lyrics to fit what was being sung...

To my ear the "how I wish" sounds like the chorus, and the title. Kinda buddy Hollyish

The fifteen feet part sounds like a bridge, which would probably be better used once, after the second chorus. But then you have another bridge, so i dont know how that would work.

One possibility is changing the how I wish lyric.... into fifteen feet.....
fifteen feet....fifteen feet,
add line...

(twenty feet would sing better with that melody... lol)

Just some ideas to toy around with, all free of charge.








Last edited by Fdemetrio; 06/18/21 12:53 PM.
#1177818 - 06/18/21 02:35 PM Re: Fifteen Feet [Re: ckiphen]  
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 837
ckiphen Offline
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ckiphen  Offline
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- Select One - huntsville, te...
Yes it's Deej. He changed up the lyrics slightly.


Ckiphen
#1178034 - 06/27/21 02:12 AM Re: Fifteen Feet [Re: ckiphen]  
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 801
Steve Altonian Offline
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Steve Altonian  Offline
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Posts: 801
Los Angeles, California
Hey Carroll,

It's always a challenge when a song has 2 TITLES cause if the writer isn't sure what to name it, what's the listeners take on what to call the tune? I get why you did it, because of the contrast between close quarters and a galaxy far, far away. I would rather one TITLE be more dominant in the LYRIC, but the way the LYRIC is, it's pretty difficult to distinguish what should be the TITLE...So in the end I guess a dual TITLE was necessary.

Good fun vibe to the tune & the storyline is clear & you feel for the main character who is so close & yet so far...

Nice job guys






Steve Altonian---"I'll just do my best & let God do the rest"

http://www.stevealtonian.com
#1178035 - 06/27/21 02:23 AM Re: Fifteen Feet [Re: ckiphen]  
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,830
JAPOV Offline
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JAPOV  Offline
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Decatur, Alabama
I think Deej did a fine job with this! I just wish the recording had more "UMPPH"... smile


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