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#1176618 05/15/21 08:41 PM
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Been working on this way too long :-) Hope you enjoy!

..ant

Play on Soundcloud

Shine Like The Stars

You got me caught in a sea of emotion
With all the power of your deep blue ocean
I don't know why I love you like you do
But when I'm caught in your tides I know
This much is true...

You make me wanna shout, you make me wanna scream
You make me wanna cry, you make me wanna bleed
You make me wanna laugh, you make me wanna sing
You make me wonder why I don't question everything
You make me wanna shine like the stars in the sky
Like the stars in the sky
Shine like the stars in the sky
Like the stars in the sky

One day we're happy and the next we're a mess
And then I see you in that silky dress
I don't know why you move me like you do
But there's just something in your eyes and I know
It's all I can do...

Every time you come around
You find some way to drag me down
Then you pick me up again
Tell me I'm your bestest friend
I wish that I could turn away
From all the crazy things you say
Maybe it's me, how would I know?

Last edited by ant; 05/28/21 11:21 AM.

My albums "Rhythms of Life" and "Out On The Road" are on Bandcamp, Spotify and Apple Music.
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That's good Pop Song Structure, lots of Repetition to drive home the main idea of the Lyric.
The Chorus contrasts well with the Verse, stepping up the emotion.
With two 'hits' on THE Hook, with 'Shine' in the Line, and two others just saying 'Like The Stars you get 2 to 4 'hits' on THE Hook with each giving of the Chorus, and sing the Chorus three times, so 6 or 12 'hits' on THE Hook, plus a couple more in the Coda (final Musical Movement.)
The 'ocean' metaphor in Verse I doesn't seem to succeed very well. But the Verse ends about 35 seconds in and you're on to the Chorus, strong Structure under the 'rule', "Don't bore us! Get to the Chorus!"
Verse II is more down-to-earth relationship stuff.
The Bridge runs a bit long, but serves the function of breaking Repetition of Verse/Chorus, Verse/Chorus with Change, and enables you to do a third giving of the Chorus, and the Coda to end.
I think your Verses could be stronger, supporting and setting up for the 'stars' Line. That Line seems more of a positive idea, which the conflict in Verse II doesn't support. It's brief, so maybe it's not a problem. That positive vibe might be a better Lyrical setup though.


There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
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I agree with Gary, great music but there's a conflict between the relationship chaos and the serenity of stars...

Easy fix; (Why can't we just) shine like the stars in the sky... smile

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Thanks Gary and JAPOV, I appreciate the feedback.


My albums "Rhythms of Life" and "Out On The Road" are on Bandcamp, Spotify and Apple Music.
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I really enjoyed the chorus.
Also enjoyed the bridge.

Imo...the verse was standard, predictable and lackluster
Imo...the drum disrupted the melody. I suggest changing the tuning, volume and timbre.

All around...nice effort.

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Solid pop rock tune. Pretty good production, too.

The rapid fire vocals in the bridge were the perfect changeup in the song. The music was really well done. It sounded liked you double tracked the acoustic guitar - this always gets a +3 from me. Some minor pitch issues notwithstanding, the vocal delivery was good.

The only thing that really stuck out to me as needing some TLC was the EQ on the main vocal. It sounds a little 'boxy'. If you cut some mids somewhere in the 400-600Hz range it would immediately fix this issue.

Overall, a really nice job.

Peace,
TC


If it has strings I will find a way to play it!

You can hear my tunes at https://soundcloud.com/tc-gypsy
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Thanks Sunset Poet and TC. I do feel the snare at least is poking out of place. I'll try a few things, thanks for confirming that! Same for the vocal - something isn't right. I'll try your suggestion TC.

..ant

Last edited by ant; 05/22/21 10:07 AM.

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I'll leave others to deal with the production merits, its something I dont get into, or truthfully know much about!
But I enjoyed the song Ant, I've commented on two great postings today. Best of luck with whatever you do with it
John

Last edited by Travis david; 05/23/21 09:25 AM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Thanks!


My albums "Rhythms of Life" and "Out On The Road" are on Bandcamp, Spotify and Apple Music.
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Thanks again everyone, I've updated the link in the first post to what I hope is a final mix. I incorporated good advice here on vocals and drums.

..ant


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It's a good song.

The drum is tuned better but I still think that it is a little distracting. The reason I say that is because I like the chorus so much. It is smooth and melodic and pretty and catchy...Imo...such an emphatic beat detracts from how pretty it is.

Nevertheless...beauty is in the eye. Very nice tune.

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Really nice pop tune. I loved the harmonies in the chorus and the way you changed the last chorus by having it build in intensity.
I get what JAPOV is saying about the lack of a relationship between the desire to shine like a star and what went before in the chorus, but I'm not sure how much this matters in a pop song like this.

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I love the melody and lyrics. After the 1st verse, based on the chorus lyric, I kind of expected a shift in dynamics and that the song would explode into the chorus. You do accomplish this with the bridge. Anyway, just my opinion.

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The music is poppy & fun...Toxic relationship, she's a lil' Bi-polar, this dude is in trouble...


Steve Altonian---"I'll just do my best & let God do the rest"

http://www.stevealtonian.com
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Thanks everyone, I really appreciate all the feedback, especially Sunset Poet on the drums. You were so right! I did some final tweaks and finally released it yesterday. Here are links for Bandcamp, Spotify and Apple Music.

..ant


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This has some strong potential...

I think you're tinkering with different styles and eras. Your first part of chorus..you make me wanna... sounds like rock, the shine like the stars in the sky, sounds more like America, or singer songwriter era. Or even Kiss Hard Luck Woman

Personally id go right to the sign like the stars part, and save the you make me wanna part for a bridge or and end out.

Some electric guitar might help give it more umph.

But i hadnt seen this or heard anything from you, you're like an Ant.... oh wait thats your name!

Good Luck with it, keep em coming.

Last edited by Fdemetrio; 07/04/21 12:34 PM.

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