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#1175961 - 04/15/21 09:27 PM The Blow Off Go Away  
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 10,982
John Voorpostel Offline
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John Voorpostel  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 10,982
have at err...

The Blow Off Go Away
© 2020 John Voorpostel

“I was so gone”, she whispered from the shower
As I lay there on the bed just half awake
Still I heard the words and for the birds and for the wine
I saw it coming as a blow off go away


Some small talk about work and pressing matters on hand
She said “Time’s of the essence when it starts to make demands”
The coffee bean and bitter blues, gets served up boiling hot
It’s just the way its always been the why’s been long forgot


“See you some time”, she turned and sprang away
Left me standing shirt on backwards in her wake
Straightening out my clothes my worthy flaws came from the hand
I didn’t play; a blow off go away


Some small talk about work and pressing matters on hand
You know “Time’s of the essence when it starts to make demands”
The coffee bean and bitter blues, gets served up boiling hot
It’s just the way its always been the why’s been long forgot


It’s all done with mirrors, keep your eye on the flash
A bit of three card monte so the grifter makes some cash
Heading for a subway you can take anyplace
An easily delivered blow off go away


Some small talk about work and pressing matters on hand
You know “Time’s of the essence when it starts to make demands”
The coffee bean and bitter blues, gets served up boiling hot
It’s just the way its always been the why’s been long forgot


If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop

iAccountant --- Info L inc --- Taxboard
#1176031 - 04/19/21 09:50 AM Re: The Blow Off Go Away [Re: John Voorpostel]  
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 2,034
Marty Helly Offline
Marty Helly  Offline

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Posts: 2,034
Florence, MA, USA
Either "blow off go away" will go viral or this will totally flop. Feel like overall the lyric is too wordy for the former to have a chance to catch on.


Marty my home

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again!
#1176036 - 04/19/21 02:12 PM Re: The Blow Off Go Away [Re: John Voorpostel]  
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 10,982
John Voorpostel Offline
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John Voorpostel  Offline
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Posts: 10,982
Thanks for checking this out Marty.

You could be right. My head tune seems to be reasonably clear but I've not taken my guitar out yet....

But you are right that the words could get lost if I don't articulate\phrase well or try to sing too fast so words get lost...your critique is a useful reminder of that

But in the end...you could be right. It may still be too dense despite efforts..


If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop

iAccountant --- Info L inc --- Taxboard
#1176043 - 04/19/21 05:10 PM Re: The Blow Off Go Away [Re: John Voorpostel]  
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 1,662
Gavin Sinclair Online content
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Gavin Sinclair  Online Content
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Posts: 1,662
Conover, North Carolina, USA
I think it depends very much on the musical approach. If this is delivered in a conversational style over a quiet finger-picked guitar, then it could work without being too wordy.

I'm not sure I get what the lyric is about. I think I do, and then I'm not so sure. A couple of suggestions:

Why not change "Still I heard the words and for the birds and for the wine" to "Still I heard the words and for the wine and for the birds." There's an internal rhyme the way you have it, but it's much stronger at the end of the line. It's also more satisfying to sing and hear, because you have the alliteration of "words" and "wine," which is lost if they are too far apart.

I find the line "You know “Time’s of the essence when it starts to make demands” confusing. What is making demands - time itself or the work mentioned in the previous line?

#1176049 - 04/19/21 10:56 PM Re: The Blow Off Go Away [Re: John Voorpostel]  
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,088
Gary E. Andrews Offline
Gary E. Andrews  Offline

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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,088
Portsmouth, Ohio, USA
Because it's an 'odd' thing to say THE Hook will need enunciation to land in listeners' ears and be coherent, meaningful.
It is very wordy. It will take some real talent to deliver such complexity of Lyric and communicate it to a listener in an appreciable Melody and
conversation.
By ending each Verse with THE Hook you are employing a Refrain-Type Chorus, that single Line, single Melodic Refrain, as your Chorus, as opposed to the Stanza-Type Chorus comprised of many Lines.
And, since the main idea is in each Verse, emphasized by Repetition there, I think the other Stanza is simply a Bridge, which need only be given once, perhaps Repeated if it 'feels' right. Here's a shorter arrangement to try.

The Blow Off Go Away
© 2020 John Voorpostel

“I was so gone”, she whispered from the shower, (You create the Love-Interest Character in Line 1.)
As I lay there on the bed just half awake. (And the Singer-Character here. The actors are on the stage.)
Still I heard the words and for the birds and for the wine.
I saw it coming as a Blow Off Go Away! (You could Repeat THE Hook here to emphasize it.)

“See you some time”, she turned and sprang away,
Left me standing shirt on backwards in her wake.
Straightening out my clothes my worthy flaws came from the hand
I didn’t play; a Blow Off Go Away! (Repeat?)

(Bridge, to break the Repetition. The Lyrical content is not significant in the storyline, just Rhyming through, vague concepts.)
Some small talk about work and pressing matters on hand!
You know “Time’s of the essence when it starts to make demands!"
The coffee bean and bitter blues, gets served up boiling hot.
It’s just the way its always been. The why’s been long forgot.

It’s all done with mirrors. Keep your eye on the flash.
A bit of three card monte so the grifter makes some cash.
Heading for a subway you can take anyplace,
An easily delivered Blow Off Go Away!
Blow Off Go Away!
Blow Off Go Away!


There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
#1176085 - 04/21/21 01:54 PM Re: The Blow Off Go Away [Re: John Voorpostel]  
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 10,982
John Voorpostel Offline
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John Voorpostel  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 10,982
Thanks for the input Gavin. It is simply about waking up with a woman who thinks she made a bad mistake and is blowing the guy off the next morning....

Great suggestion Gary...will play with it some. Not sure I will adopt it but it is definitely worth trying

Thanks you all...I have to be away for a bit so we can leave this behind ...at least for now


If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop

iAccountant --- Info L inc --- Taxboard
#1176088 - 04/21/21 02:13 PM Re: The Blow Off Go Away [Re: John Voorpostel]  
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,758
beechnut79 Offline
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beechnut79  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,758
Villa Park IL
What I got out of this one is a lesson from, as the classic hit song from 1980 goes, the subject was looking for love or attention in all the wrong places. No wonder that one became such a huge hit. There seems to be some confusion as to what someone says and how it feels. It's lovely to be romantic and idealistic, but be careful of expecting the stars and the moon from one you meet or may even feel love for and being disappointed when they can't deliver what you want. That is the message I get from this piece. Good luck with it.


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