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#935775 - 12/08/11 05:44 PM Someone  
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 246
Aaron Corley Offline
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Aaron Corley  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 246
West Valley City, UT
This Broadway-inspired song was written several years ago. The clarinet plays the vocal part. It describes the person I was looking for at the time. I hope you enjoy it, but also, that you comment on it.

Someone
Words and music by Aaron Corley.
(c) 1997 by Aaron Corley. All rights reserved.

Introduction
I've been looking for someone,
But I do not know her name.
Still, if I looked in her eyes
I'm sure that I would recognize
My friend.

Verse 1
Someone to share in all my travels.
Someone to take away my sorrows.
Someone to be the friend I call my own.
Someone to hold each happy moment.
Someone that I can believe in.
Oh yes, someone who can make of my life a song.

Verse 2
Someone that I can share my dreams with.
Someone that I can hide my fears in.
And someone who will show me a brand new world
And then together, we'll find what life has in store!
But if I never find my forever friend,
Then I'll spend my life dreaming, hoping and scheming to the end!

Verse 3
Someone to hold me in the nighttime.
Someone to kiss me in the morning
And someone who will chase all of my clouds away!
But if I never find my forever friend,
Then I'll spend my life dreaming, hoping and scheming to the end!

#939057 - 01/03/12 05:56 PM Re: Someone [Re: Aaron Corley]  
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427
Dottie Offline
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Dottie  Offline
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Posts: 3,427
Hi Aaron,

I'm listening now and the 1st thing I thought, well comments below. smile

Introduction
I've been looking for someone,
But I do not know her name.
Still, if I looked in into her eyes I hear into rather than in. I can't explain it but like it's deeper.I'm sure that I would recognize
My friend. I wonder if my love might work better unless you just wanted a friend.

Verse 1
Someone to share in all my travels.
Someone to take away my sorrows.
Someone to be the friend I call my own.
Someone to hold each happy moment.
Someone that I can believe in.
Oh yes, someone who can make of my life a song.

Verse 2
Someone that I can share my dreams with.
Someone that I can hide my fears in. Maybe share my fears with I don't like the idea of hiding in this song, it just seems out of place.And someone who will show me a brand new world
And then together, we'll find what life has in store!
But if I never find my forever friend,
Then I'll spend my life dreaming, hoping and scheming all the way to the end! Scheming seems out of place here too. It's just too sweet of a song for that. smile

Verse 3
Someone to hold me in the nighttime.
Someone to kiss me in the morning
And someone who will chase all of my clouds away!
But if I never find my forever friend, Repeating these lines makes it sound like a chorus and it's not so I'd find some new lines to go here.Then I'll spend my life dreaming, hoping and scheming to the end!

I like this, its very cool. The clarinet works well to show the melody but I'd love to hear you sing it. I'm sure there are some folks on here would sing it for you if you don't want to. Anyway it's a very cool song. smile

Dottie

#939059 - 01/03/12 06:08 PM Re: Someone [Re: Dottie]  
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,710
Dan Sullivan Offline
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Dan Sullivan  Offline
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Posts: 3,710
MI
Aaron, Nothing wrong with the melody or music. But the lyrics are a string of cliches which don't do justice to the music. The lyrics also never hint at what this dream 'someone' gets in return for holding and kissing you and travelling with you and chasing away dark clouds etc. You've got a good tune. I'd like to see better lyrics.


Write from your heart, not what you think others want to hear.

https://dansullivan2.bandcamp.com

http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/dansullivan2
#939089 - 01/03/12 09:07 PM Re: Someone [Re: Aaron Corley]  
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 21
counthound Offline
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counthound  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 21
Mesquite, TX 75149
Aaron,

I really like the melody. Did you play the instruments?

The first thing I noticed is the contrast between "my friend" and "someone to kiss me". You want them to be a friend but also more than a friend. On the other hand my favorite phrase is "forever friend" which I think might be a better title than "Someone". You're not looking for just someone but someone special.

You might think about changing scheming to wishing or something like that.

Another thing you've got started with Verses 2 and 3 is the verse refrain form of lyrics. Since you have no chorus if you could have the first verse end with the same last two lines as verses 2 and 3 you would have the verse refrain form for all three verses. The two lines that are repeated at the end of each verse can act as a sort of a chorus to bring the lyrics together.

The disadvantage to changing the lyrics is the melody will need to change somewhat because of the different number of syllables between the words you have now and the words that would be used as the refrain.

A lot of the song is about what a "forever friend" can do for you. To balance things out there should be some mention of what you can do for your friend or change the wording to what the two of you can do for each other or share with each other.

Aaron, I've roughly rewritten your lyrics more the way I would try to write this song to show you what I'm talking about. I'll email them to you after I've had a chance to look over them.

Tom


counthound
#939124 - 01/04/12 12:55 AM Re: Someone [Re: counthound]  
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 8,683
glynda Offline
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glynda  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 8,683
Princeton Texas
You've been given some great suggestions and I love this music, did you do the music....You're onto a great start and once you have the vocals to do the music justice, you will have a great, great song on your hands...



glyn

#939147 - 01/04/12 03:47 AM Re: Someone [Re: glynda]  
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,490
Lisa Gundling Offline
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Lisa Gundling  Offline
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Hi Aaron,

The music sounds great and it reads like a sweet song that would be performed in a Broadway production! In verse 2 and 3, the last two lines are the same. I think that if you use different lines in verse 2, and save the existing lines for verse 3...I could picture the singer on stage, singing happily throughout the song, and then, at the very end, sort of drifting off and dreaming about the uncertain future with those last two lines. Also, in verse 1, the last two lines don't rhyme, as they do in verses 2 and 3. I'm not sure if that matters, but thought I would point it out!

Lisa




#939428 - 01/06/12 04:34 PM Re: Someone [Re: Aaron Corley]  
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 246
Aaron Corley Offline
Serious Contributor
Aaron Corley  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 246
West Valley City, UT
Good morning all and thank you for your comments. I hope you will forgive me if I address them all in one long post rather than individually. I really appreciate the time each of you took to listen to this and then offer constructive criticism.

Originally Posted by Dottie

Still, if I looked in into her eyes I hear into rather than in. I can't explain it but like it's deeper.
I'm sure that I would recognize
My friend. I wonder if my love might work better unless you just wanted a friend.

'In' fits the music better. I think that is the main reason I went with it initially; the same with 'friend'. Do you think it would make sense if I changed it to "I'm sure that I would recognize Someone" or maybe "I'm sure that I would recognize true love"? In this case, I would much prefer to leave the meter as it is. Forever friend or similar descriptor is just too long.

Originally Posted by Dottie
Someone that I can hide my fears in. Maybe share my fears with I don't like the idea of hiding in this song, it just seems out of place.

Good suggestion, although: would it work to have two consecutive lines ending in 'with'?

Originally Posted by Dottie
Then I'll spend my life dreaming, hoping and scheming all the way to the end! Scheming seems out of place here too. It's just too sweet of a song for that. smile

Other people I have shown these lyrics to have said the same thing. In using the word 'scheming', I was going for the idea that finding the right person is a much a matter of planning as it is of chance. I also wanted to rhyme with 'dreaming'. Is there another way to express this and still maintain that effect?

Originally Posted by Dottie
I'd love to hear you sing it. I'm sure there are some folks on here would sing it for you if you don't want to.

Thank you, Dottie. You've said this before and, honestly, I'm not as opposed to singing my songs as I was a few months ago. I just don't own a microphone. I have a neighbor who does, we just haven't been able to align our schedules the last few months.

Originally Posted by Dan Sullivan
the lyrics are a string of cliches which don't do justice to the music. The lyrics also never hint at what this dream 'someone' gets in return for holding and kissing you and travelling with you and chasing away dark clouds etc. You've got a good tune. I'd like to see better lyrics.

This has been said about more than one of my songs which is one of the reasons I prefer to work with a lyricist. There are some very talented people here. I suppose I ought to read a book on lyric writing or something though. Thank you, Dan, for your comments though. I'll see what I can do with this one and browse some of my other stuff for clichés.

Originally Posted by glynda
You've been given some great suggestions and I love this music, did you do the music....You're onto a great start and once you have the vocals to do the music justice, you will have a great, great song on your hands...glyn

Thank you, Glynda. I hope you are doing well.

Originally Posted by Lisa Gundling
The music sounds great and it reads like a sweet song that would be performed in a Broadway production! In verse 2 and 3, the last two lines are the same. I think that if you use different lines in verse 2, and save the existing lines for verse 3

Thanks, Lisa. I will consider your comments as well. Do you have any suggestions for changing the last two lines of verse 2? I wasn't really going for a chorus in this song, so making the change would probably help it overall.

Originally Posted by Lisa Gundling
I could picture the singer on stage, singing happily throughout the song, and then, at the very end, sort of drifting off and dreaming about the uncertain future with those last two lines.

This is the picture I had in my head as well. Perhaps the song is sung in one of the early scenes of the first act. The character sings about what he hopes to find in his forever friend and then, as the plot advances and the character matures, he realizes that relationships of this kind require as much give as they do take. His hopes change accordingly (probably prompting another song).

You've given me quite a bit to work on. Thank you all again!

#939650 - 01/08/12 06:17 PM Re: Someone [Re: Aaron Corley]  
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,490
Lisa Gundling Offline
Top 20 Poster
Lisa Gundling  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,490
Hi Aaron,

In verse 3, I was thinking that the line which says "even if I never find my forever friend" -- seems too final. At that point, we're set up to expect failure, so his search then seems frivolous instead of possible -- which, I know, is not the intent of the song! Also, maybe use "seeking" to replace "scheming"? So how about something like:

No matter how long it takes to find my friend
I will spend my life dreaming, hoping and and seeking to the end

Also, for the last two lines in verse two, you could go with something like:

Together we'll climb higher with no plateau
Together we'll discover what happens over our rainbow

Just some thoughts to keep or sweep, of course!

Lisa








#939664 - 01/08/12 07:29 PM Re: Someone [Re: Lisa Gundling]  
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 576
Meg Engell Offline
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Meg Engell  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 576
The Place to Be
I know I'm a bit late to this party, but here goes.

I'm agreeing with everyone else on the "a friend" line.
Also with the word "scheming."
The fact that there isn't a chorus bothers me a little bit, but it's not anything that I can't look past. I guess that would be part of the whole Broadway thing, though? I'm not really a Broadway type person, so I don't know.

Aside from my incessant rambling, I like the story that the lyric is trying to convey. Finding just that perfect person. Cliches are cliches are cliches, and lots of people are going to tell you to steer clear. But sometimes, I like to e reminded of why they became cliches in the first place. Ya know?

You've got a great song here, mate. Kudos.

Meg


Now writing as Orion Redgrave.

Check me out on tumblr @orionredgrave
#1172871 - 12/26/20 11:40 PM Re: Someone [Re: Aaron Corley]  
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 246
Aaron Corley Offline
Serious Contributor
Aaron Corley  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 246
West Valley City, UT
The sheet music for this song is now available for purchase here: https://www.sheetmusicplus.com/title/someone-digital-sheet-music/21822333


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