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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,124 Likes: 15
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OP
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Living a dream Verse I play guitar in a smoky bar. For tips in a mayo jar. While I work by day bailing hay Sleeping in the back of my car. Chorus Inside outside, in between Living in the moment And living a dream. Verse I write lyrics on a paper sack Save them for a rainy day. Sing them to the cows in the hay barn Hoping for a word of praise. Chorus Inside outside, in between Living in the moment And living a dream. Verse I hoping someday I’ll make it big Play me a stadium gig. Come back home so my teachers know. What playing my guitar did. Bridge Fame is as brief as a shooting star But I’ll ride it till the flame dies down. I’ll see my name in the walk of fame. I’m going to be the talk of the town. Verse I play guitar in a smoky bar. For tips in a mayo jar. While I work by day bailing hay Sleeping in the back of my car. Chorus Inside outside, in between Living in the moment And living a dream.
Ckiphen
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,633
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Please note this is just my opinion no more than that, I am just one person. it is not a judgement of whether it is good or not. just a few things to consider that may or may not help you improve.. Of the three songs of yours I've read, this is the the only one I would listen to beyond the first 2 lines... it is a reasonable idea with a couple good lines in it. Some however come over like you rushed to finish and are there because you couldn't think of anything else in the time allotted and you've padded it out. I don't believe the bridge fits the theme of rest of the song... the third verse would work much better as the bridge...
Not sure if it matters but:
most hay is bailed as the first dew falls .. like around 1 or 2 am . .. the reason for this is the hay need to be dry so it won't rot.. but the first dew gives it just enough moisture to not crumble or lose its leaf (depending on what you are bailing (Grass, cereals or alfalfa)) and become stalky leaving the best of it on the ground.
cows are in the animal barn (over here it's called the cow shed).. the hay barn (hay shed) is where the hay is stored, the cows would do doo doo everywhere and shred/ destroy it if they got into it.. they'd eat a hole (like a cave) though the side and eventually the whole thing collapses..
anyway I hope this helps.. cheers
Noel
Last edited by Noel Downs; 12/19/20 10:04 PM. Reason: had to edit a naughty word
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Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,124 Likes: 15
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Guess I should've taken an Ag class.
Ckiphen
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,633
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just drop the word. hay from in front of barn and most folk won't know....
For me, as someone who likes to write a story, it is a make or break .... the songwriter needs to know what they are writing about.... and if they don't know, go and ask those who do... it is about being empathetic with the people in the event and seeking empathy from the listener... but there are plenty of songs out there that are supposed to be true to life, but let's leave it at.. perhaps not all that accurate.. however as a writer you are allowed to give "the truth" some "Scope"..
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Joined: Sep 2007
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Hey Carroll & Noel.... Check out this link & critique of a line of Don Henleys in Hotel California & his response to the crit. He used wine as a "spirit", when wine isn't a spirit since it is fermented & not distilled....It reminded me of the thread here so far HOTEL CALIFORNIA critique of LYRIC begins at 3:51 to the end
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Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,124 Likes: 15
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For the most part the listener doesn't care about the details authenticity. I get that it's better is it's accurate.
Ckiphen
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