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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 32
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Here is a song I'm working on the lyrics....any help would be appreciated:
Don't say I told you so by Bethany Koubsky
I met him on a Friday Fell in love straight away Thought we were destined for greatness You said girl, stay away
I ignored every warning Thought my heart won't steer me wrong Took every wrong turn that I could Led me to a broken hearted song
Chorus: Please don't say I told you so Please don't say you knew I know I should've listened but that's not what lonely hearts do
Please don't say I told you so That you've been here before I know I should've listened Now i'm shattered on the floor
We dated for a minute then you knew he was a liar I was blinded by his charms my heart a burning fire
But you saw right through his lies gave me warning after warning you saw through his disguise (thin disguise??) Now i'm the one in mourning
Chorus
Bridge: Next time i'll listen next time i won't ignore you next time i'll listen when you say I know what's good for you
Repeat chorus
Copyrighted 8/24/2020 Bethany Koubsky
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Joined: Dec 2006
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In a Lyric there is a Singer-Character. You create her in Verse I Line 1 with the pronoun "I". That's the person who is telling the story. Now, who is she telling the story to? She's telling someone about the Love-Interest Character, "him". In VI Line 2 and 3 you omit a pronoun, the 'actor' to do the 'action' of the verb, "fell". I suggest getting that pronoun back in there. I wondered if it was "we" or "I". Who "fell"? Who "thought"? Judging by the Chorus I think the Singer-Character is talking to a third character, the "Friend-Character", a "Counselor-Character" who would have the involvement to say, "I Told You So", who advised her about her relationship, the "you" in Verse I Line 4. Rhyming Line 2 and Line 4 with the same word, "away", is not advised. I run through the alphabet for Rhyme-words, and see if one suggests something logical that fits the storyline. Bay, day, Faye, gay, hay, Jay, Kay, lay, may, pay, ray, say, even 'way' rather than 'away' in one or the other Line. Yay! Line 1 suggests the time factor, so 'day' or 'days' might be a good Rhyme, if you can find a logical Line of meaning that can land on that word.
"Don't Say I Told You So" copyright 8/24/2020 by Bethany Koubsky
I met him on a Friday Fell in love straight away Thought we were destined for greatness You said girl, stay away
I ignored every warning Thought my heart won't steer me wrong (Who "thought"?) Took every wrong turn that I could (Who "took"? The "I" at the end of the Line might make this one work.) Led me to a broken hearted song (What "led"?)
Chorus: Please Don't Say I Told You So Please don't say you knew I know I should've listened but that's not what lonely hearts do (I always try to eliminate 'But', 'And', 'Cause', 'Because', as clutter words. The Line can read the same without them, and the singer doesn't have to sing them. The listener gets the connection without the connector word. Writers use them to connect thoughts, but...you may not need them. It's your judgment call as to whether it's better with or without them.
Please Don't Say I Told You So That you've been here before I know I should've listened Now i'm shattered on the floor
(An eight-Line Chorus seems long. Using THE Hook, the title, as the first Line each of the two 'stanzas' may emphasize it as the point of the story, especially with the Melody I imagine, but sometimes that Line can be forgotten after all the others. You could use it again at the end, making a nine-Line Chorus. If it works, it works. That's the Line you want left ringing in their ears as the Chorus ends. And three hits on THE Hook per giving of the Chorus can be strong in driving that home. I can see the two 'stanzas' flipping, letting "That's not what lonely hearts do" be the last Line, as a stronger explanation of why the Singer-Character ignored the Friend-Character's advice. The "shattered" Line is more detail in the storyline.)
(Suggested Rewrite) "Don't Say I Told You So" Copyright 8/24/2020 by Bethany Koubsky
(Verse I) I met him on a Friday. (I) fell in love (BY SATURDAY). (I) thought we were destined for greatness. You said, "Girl, stay away!" I ignored every warning. (I) thought, 'My heart won't steer me wrong.' (I) took every wrong turn that I could. (IT) led me to a broken-hearted song
(Chorus) Please Don't Say, 'I Told You So', That you've been here before. I know I should've listened. Now i'm shattered on the floor. Please Don't Say I Told You So! Please don't say you knew. I know I should've listened. That's not what lonely hearts do. (Please Don't Say, 'I Told You So'.)
(Verse II) We dated for a minute. Then you knew he was a liar. I was blinded by his charms, my heart a burning fire! You saw right through his lies, gave me warning after warning. you saw through his disguise. Now I'm the one in mourning.
Chorus Please Don't Say I Told You So, That you've been here before. I know I should've listened. Now i'm shattered on the floor. Please Don't Say I Told You So! Please don't say you knew. I know I should've listened. That's not what lonely hearts do. (Repeat title Line? Or does that make it too long?)
(Bridge) Next time I'll listen! Next time I won't ignore you Next time i'll listen, when you say, "I know what's good for you!"
(Chorus) Please Don't Say I Told You So, That you've been here before. I know I should've listened. Now i'm shattered on the floor. Please Don't Say I Told You So! Please don't say you knew. I know I should've listened. That's not what lonely hearts do. (Coda) Please Don't Say, 'I Told You So'. That's not what lonely hearts do.
Last edited by Gary E. Andrews; 08/25/20 04:27 AM.
There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com
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WOW! thank you! I tend to do that in my songs...omit the pronouns...this makes perfect sense! Thank you!!!
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Hi Bethany, This reads well, with a good hook, good images, and it should sing well. Hope to hear it soon.
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Thank you John! I'm still working on cleaning it up a bit But i am really liking this one!
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