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Another acapella version of a song I wrote earlier this year


https://youtu.be/maqzpAC5hag


Chorus
Misery sat on a stool at the bar
On a saturday night in her Sunday dress
Usually Misery didn't like drinking
But for once she thought she ought try her best
Somebody told her it makes you forget
She already forgot who it was
So I guess it does

Vs1
She was her mama's good girl when that bad boy found her
Wrapped his arms like the fingers of the devil around her
She couldn't break free from his powerful grip
From the fever in his eyes
The honey on his lips
He took her home and made her his own
Then he blew away with the wind
She never saw him again

Vs2
She cried some tears, they were salty and bitter
Then she noticed her clothes had started not to fit her
He took her heart and he left her a baby
And deep down need that was drivin her crazy
The woods were dark and the wind said maybe
You should go and find you a man
Honey if you can

Cho
So Misery sat on a stool at the bar
On a Saturday night in her Sunday dress
Usually misery didn't like drinking
But just once she thought she oughta try her best
Somebody told her it makes you forget
She already forgot who it was
So I guess it does

Lead

Vs3
Nothing burns hotter than your first liquor
And nothing will make you wanna cool down quicker
Than a black eyed man with dirt on his shoes
And a colorful tongue to talk away your blues
He bought her a drink and he asked her her name
She smiled and said misery
He said you want company

Vs4
Now that babys at home cryin in its cradle
Like a little lost lamb in some ancient fable
While his mama keeps drinkin harder and harder
If you're willing to buy she's willing to barter
It all began with a glass and a man and girl on a stool in a bar
Now here we are

Cho
All because Misery sat on a stool at the bar
On a Saturday night in her Sunday dress
Usually Misery didn't like drinking
But just once she thought she ought to try her best
Somebody told her it makes you forget
She already forgot who it was
So I guess it does
She forgot who it was
So I guess it does
Good lord I guess it does

Nice job Ruby! See, you don't need anything more than a knee slap and nice voice to get your song out there. Good for you putting it out there. I think you might consider, in general, not just this song, to scale it back a bit length wise. Condense your story line down to tell it with less words. Pick out the best phrases that always move the song forward to it's resolution as efficiently as possible. Also, I would have liked to hear more variation in the melody and hook lines as it seems a bit repetitive.

You have a nice voice to present your song, but I think more melodic diversity would serve it well with a clear bridge that sticks out musically (melodically in this case). Perhaps extending some lines by halving the words and stretching out the notes with the same message you want to get across.

I don't want to rewrite your song, and I am not sure you need to for this purpose, but log these comments in mind as you work on a new one.

But most importantly, kudos to you that you put yourself and your music out there. That takes guts and earned a like from me! =)

Brian