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HI, all:

So my New Years resolution was to focus on doing some more upbeat, rock type songs . . . my last few solo efforts being a bit more acoustic folk type stuff. Well, like all New Years resolutions, it didnt last long. With guitar in hand looking for something new to play some nights ago, I stumbled across Traviss lyrics in the L3 Forum for Raging Storm and the beginning of something soft and slow was born . . . and together Travis David and I ended up with this.

I have two specific requests for feedback: First, we are both uncertain on the title of the song, and would love suggestions. Traviss title to the original lyrics was Raging Storm, but given the feel of the arrangement, which is anything but raging, it didnt seem the right title to me. So Im going with Pieces of You, which is, to me at least, a prominent line within the song. But were not sold on it either. So, looking for ideas, assuming the tune is even worth naming.

Second, and more on a lark, I added in the rain sound effect at the start and end of the song. Here, too, Im not sure I like it, so definitely would want thoughts on whether it works. Easy fix to 86 it if not.

Thanks as always for stopping in. Hope this one is worth the listen.

Deej

Here's the tune:

PIECES OF YOU

Here's the lyric:

The years went by
and still we tried
turning over all of the pages . . .
like we could write, something more bright
even though every hope had faded.

A bitter wind blows
across the path we chose;
a weak and wilted rose,
neath broken glass and stone,
in the place we lived,
In the bed we slept,
where I sleep alone.

From sweet dreams
to a bed of thorns;
from calm waters
to a raging storm.

Pieces of you . . .
things we used to do . . .
werent we such a handsome pair.
There was time or two,
and more times than you knew,
I could have danced with you upon the air.

Now a bitter wind blows
across the path we chose;
A weak and wilted rose,
neath broken glass and stone,
in the place we lived,
In the bed we slept,
where I sleep alone.

From sweet dreams
to a bed of thorns;
from calm waters
to a raging storm.

I studied you that last time,
your expression, every laugh line
that I used to think would never fade away.
And stuck between those naked walls,
in that awkward moment I recall,
I knew that I could never make you stay.

From sweet dreams
to a bed of thorns;
from calm waters
to a raging storm.
From calm waters . . .

(c)2020 John Vaughan/DJ Lekich

Last edited by Deej56; 01/25/20 05:18 PM.
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Moody. Nice lyrics, nice tune, emotional. Dee, your voice reminds me of a band called The Saw Doctors? Every time i go out for St Patricks Day that song N17comes on. You sound alot like that guy.

Not the hit on the album but a nice supporting track, I think.

Good Work

Last edited by Fdemetrio; 01/25/20 09:56 AM.
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Thanks Fde
Saw Doctors are a good band and I suppose fit in with two other similar bands,the Waterboys and The Pogues
A good comparrison, not sure if Dave is familiar with the SD ,I'm sure he soon will be!
Thanks
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Hi John and DJ,
I like the song, and the delivery very much. Don't hate me, but I like "Raging Storm" better, and I would hit it one more time in every chorus, building into the last 2 lines. KOS! Like this:

From sweet dreams
to a bed of thorns;
from calm waters
to a raging storm.
From peaceful seas
To a raging storm


Have a goodun,

John W. Selleck BMI Songwriter
A day without learning is a day lost forever.

www.soundclick.com/johnsings
www.soundclick.com/johnwselleck
www.soundclick.com/johnselleck
https://www.soundclick.com/artist/default.cfm?bandID=1468958 For Selleck/Kay co-writes
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Beautiful Guys! Raging storm works for me...

I'd like to hear more clarity on the guitar! And you could probably key up the last verse and chorus smile

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Deej56 Offline OP
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Fdemetrio, John and JAPOV,

Thanks for stopping in and giving it a listen; it's such appreciated.

Fdemetrio: Yes, definitely a later track on any album this might ever go on, and certainly not the lead single, lol! But hopefully pretty enough to make the cut.

John, "Raging Storm" would work just fine . . . my concern was that the title might create expectations of a, umm, louder song. But apparently not--so we'll revert back to the original title, assuming Travis is good with that. I'm not sure about adding more to the chorus and repeating the refrain--particularly because I think that would push it up to around 5 minutes. It's s long enough song as it stands that I wouldn't want to push it.

JAPOV: I could play with the guitar a little more, but earlier versions I thought it sounded a bit too bright, and working against the strings in the latter parts of the song. Perhaps I overdid it. Interesting thought about a step up in key on the last chorus . . . will have to play with that idea.

Thanks again for all the input.

Deej

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Hi Again,

" I'm not sure about adding more to the chorus and repeating the refrain--particularly because I think that would push it up to around 5 minutes. It's s long enough song as it stands that I wouldn't want to push it."

At 4 1/2 you will have a hard time with radio airplay anyway unless they really like the song, and if they do, another 30 sec. shouldn't matter, but KOS, just an idea.


Have a goodun,

John W. Selleck BMI Songwriter
A day without learning is a day lost forever.

www.soundclick.com/johnsings
www.soundclick.com/johnwselleck
www.soundclick.com/johnselleck
https://www.soundclick.com/artist/default.cfm?bandID=1468958 For Selleck/Kay co-writes
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I wonder how it would sound without the cello/bowed instrument in the intro.
Letting the finger picking carry the intro and then bring the cello in at the verse.

Calm Waters would work for me.
Dee, I agree with your expectation factor about the title, Raging Storm.

In the bed we slept, shared
where now I sleep alone.

Nice collaboration guys...

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Hi JAPOV
Thanks for your listen and suggestions.
RAGING Storm is the title we're headed back too
Regards
John

Last edited by Travis david; 01/26/20 01:09 AM.

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Hi John
Thanks for your feedback, suggestions and RAGING STORNS like, it is being adjusted.
Regards
John


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Nicely done. I like the melody a lot.
If you force me to nitpick then I would say find alternatives to the "a bitter wind blows" as it doesn't seem to blend into "a weak and wilted rose" or "neath broken glass and stone".
Also "I danced with you on air" seems a little generic .

Well you did force me to nitpick didn't you?
Good one.

Vic


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.

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Hi John
Yes it's a long enough and radio stations tend only to play name bands/ singers with unusually long songs.
This one I think has reached its optimum..
Congrats to Dave though for a great production and vocal
John


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Nicely done guys, good production and performance as usual Deej...A bit long maybe, but I did enjoy the listen.
Regards
Mimmo

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Hi Mr. Nelson
We do have an alternative versions with just Dave on guitar. I'm sure it'll be posted soon
Thanks so much for your ideas and suggestions to the lyric and title
Regards
John


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It's a great lyric and a lovely performance. I always find something to say about songs I really like, so...

For me, the pre-chorus (if that's what it is) is missing a line. It works OK for me as Is, but I wonder if it wouldn't be better with 8 lines instead of seven, followed by empty space. That might also allow you to launch more emotionally into the chorus.

I actually think the title "Raging Storm" and the line from which it comes are the weakest part of the lyric. They don't fit the mood of the rest of it. I would either replace the whole chorus with something else or replace those last two lines. The following came to my mind, but you could probably do better.

From sweet dreams
to a bed of thorns;
I toss and turn
till my flesh is torn

Saw Doctors - they are from my wife's part of Ireland, and I have driven down the N17 between those stone walls, singing N17 smile I can imagine Deej singing it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32-WdYOeJLk

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Deej/Travis,

Beautiful song, both musically & lyrically. Well as far as the title, IMO, I like "Pieces of You." It reflects the theme of the song, creates curiosity as to what those pieces will divulge, and creates an evoking title that will sub consciously invite a listener to relate. It just makes a good "writing structure equation" - "Pieces of You" = (here they are).

I also think the guitar picking could be a little more prominent--let the strings be the support bed. Perhaps experiment with panning/ eq a bit on the guitar.

I really like the song a lot guys, beautiful melody and lyrics fit like a glove--with maybe the exception of the last part of the chorus where you have to hold some of those words/notes for so long--maybe prosody could be improved there by maybe breaking within a word by pausing then repeating or adding a a word or two those spots. It doesn't sound bad at all, but I think you might be able to improve those spots with some experimentation.

Beautiful write indeed, I'm impressed, and Deej, your vocals are hearfelt! Stellar lyrics John.

steady-eddie

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Deej56 Offline OP
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John,

I totally get where you are coming from. I'm less concerned about airplay--let's face it, that's a pipe dream regardless of length--and more concerned about anyone who stumbles across this. It's a slow, melancholy song. I think I'm pushing attention spans as is. If I could find a way to take thirty seconds off this song as it stands, I would. But it's always an art of compromise with any production. I'm hopeful I've hit the right balance . . . but my perspective doesn't matter in the ears of the listener. Thanks again for the thoughtful input!

Regards,

Deej

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Nelson,

Thanks so much for giving this a spin. I played with a couple of variations on this. Travis references the pure g/v version--despite it being just a recording on my iPhone, we both liked it a lot, almost better than the more produced version. My second attempt was adding just the fiddle, with a hint of cello. But it still seemed to lack depth. And so the synth flute and strings were then added.

I played with starting with just the guitar and fiddle, but it seemed to long before I hit the pre-chorus before adding depth to the tune. Instead, I kept the flute in the intro, dropping it in the first verse, then reintroducing it before the chorus . . . then added the strings in the second verse. All of which may be wrong, but I tried to balance the desire to add layers as the song progressed with keeping a slow ballad interesting along the way. I'm hopeful that my choice will satisfy most.

Contrary to Travis's expectation, I thinking I'll keep the g/v version on the down low for just a bit. But perhaps, just for giggles, at some point we'll share.

My best to you, kind sir,

Deej

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Gavin,

Your feedback is always appreciated . . . in fact, I always look forward to it. I'm not sure I'm convinced on your first point--generally, structure appeals to me, so 8 lines instead of 7 is more in line with where I would generally go . . . but it's not where the melody carried me. I can't recall exactly, but I think I added those three lines to Travis's original lyrics, led on by the melody as I was messing around with the lyric. Essentially, the elongated "where I sleep alooooonnnnneee," I think serves to cover that eight line. Dunno--I'm the last person to talk musical theory with.

Your second comment gets to the heart of my troubles with the title, and ultimately, that line "raging storm". It works just fine with the lyric on its own, but the phrase is hard, even now, for me to reconcile with the melancholy sound of the tune. It's why I'm still. hesitant about the title. All that said, I'm not inclined to change much there, because the syllable and sounds otherwise work really well with the melody. But it's a comment worth further consideration and one Travis and I will debate further I'm sure.

As for Saw Doctors, not sure I could pull those high notes off, but, yeah, a cool tune. Maybe I'll give it a try?

My kindest regards to you, Gavin. Hope all is well in your world.

Deej

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Hey, Vic--

Everything good with you? I hope so. Thanks for stopping in . . . but that's the last darn time I force you to nitpick, LOL!!!!! I appreciate your perspective on "bitter wind blows"--if I had an extra syllable there maybe "a bitter cold wind blows" or, if I had one less syllable, just "a cold wind blows". That "bitter" has other conontations is perhaps the trouble of it standing on its own. Something to think about.

I kind of liked the "danced with you upon the air". But perhaps me being an awful dancer makes it more novel to me than it is? smile

Thanks for the listen and taking time to comment.

My best to you, friend.

Deej

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Mimmo,

Thanks so much for stopping in and for the kind feedback. Yeah, the length is pushing on the edges, but hopefully engaging enough to keep the listener in. I'm going to remove the rain sound effects, so that should shorten it up 5-7 seconds or so, which may help.

Hope all is well in your world,

Deej

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Eddie,

So good to hear from you . . . I'm still leaning towards "Pieces of You" despite most being OK with "Raging Storm." Though at the end of the day, it's the song that matters, and overall I'm pretty happy with it, despite some of it's shortcomings.

On the guitar, it's me playing, so I may have been a bit self-conscious (not generally being very good) and kept it a bit mellow; and also, following my song "So Breathe" (which I didn't play on, but in retrospect probably should have), where the guitar was too prominent . . . perhaps the combo of threw my perspective off. Perhaps worth revisiting the EQ and making it a bit brighter (I did soften it a bit on later versions).

I'll give some thought to the prosody. I get what you mean . . . it's one of the reasons I didn't drag out "From sweet dreams" on the last chorus in a desire to mix it up. Will give it more thought.

Always appreciate your insightful feedback, Eddie. My best to you as always,

Deej

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Hi Deej.
I didn't mean the meter. I meant the way the lines were not connecting lyrically.
They seem like separate statements to me, just put there to rhyme in a poetic way.
"A weak and wilted rose 'neath broken glass and stone in the bed we slept etc." doesn't make much sense.
Maybe you could sing:
"Now an icy blanket grows over the path we chose,
covers up a wilted rose, broken hearts turned to stone
In the place we loved
In this bed we slept
where I sleep alone"

It sounds fine like it is but from a nitpicker's point of view it could be better.

Vic


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Vic,

Thanks for clarifying your commentsI get your concern better. I can see how you might read the lines as two separate statements, and I do think theres a way to improve perhaps. To me, the lines are poetic, but intended as a single image. For example, much like your suggested alternative, where the icy blanket grows over the path and covers the wilted rose, here the bitter wind blows across the path and over the wilted rose that lies beneath the broken glass, etc.

What may be lacking is a better connector. And as Im not fond of the use of weak in that line (my addition, not Traviss), perhaps in light of your comment the better way to go may be just that: a bitter wind blows across the path we chose, over a wilted rose . . . . (Though across or upon a wilted rose would sing better).

Im inclined to keep the fourth line as is; for me broken glass and stone convey a destructive element more associated with a raging storm.

That small change may still not make it work for you literally, but Id hope the mood and feel of the song as played nevertheless convey the sense of loss.

Terrific and thoughtful comments,Vic, that got my head turninga good thing. Im sure it will turn more as I continue to think about them. Much appreciated.

Cheers!

Deej

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Yes Deej.
Different ways of doing it.
Maybe I'm against the "bitter wind" line because I've heard it a few times before. Bob Dylan's "Senor" for instance ("there's a bitter wind blowing on the upper deck") and one of my own too.

Vic


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.

http://store.cdbaby.com/cd/vicarnold2

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Hi Vic
Thanks for the listen, pleased you liked the melody.
Nit picking is fine it proves you were concentrating on the song. Which deserves a further thanks.
Cheers
John


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Hi Mimmo.
Good to see you around the boards again.. Thanks for the comments and listen.
Yes a long song but it is quickly becoming a favourite
Regards
John


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Hi Gavin,
The chorus can sometimes be an obstacle even with a hook lined up. In this case I had RAGING STORM then Dave suggested PIECES OF YOU.
I think your take is good but it still saying the same thing as the existing lyric, so it's one or the other IMHO of course.
Thanks once again for you comments suggestions and support
Regards
John


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I like Raging Storm. And I LOVE the song. Beautiful excution DeeJay. The vocal sounds pristine. I loved the pacing and melody change on the From Sweet Dreams part, as well as the lyric during that section. My favorite part of the song. It really stayed with me. Beautifully done. Congrats to the both of you.

Dave

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Dave,

So glad you enjoyed the listen. Raging Storm seems the popular vote . . . . and that's the way we'll go, I think. The one aspect that makes me feel more comfortable about that title is that, having listened to the song a few more times, I get the sense that the singer is past the raging storm itself . . . and reflecting back on what followed the calm waters. Not sure that makes sense, but it helps me reconcile the mood of the song against that phrase.

Anyway, thanks for stopping in, and, as always, the kind support!

My best to you,

Deej


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