10 members (Fdemetrio, VNORTH2, Gary E. Andrews, Perry Neal Crawford, couchgrouch, Sunset Poet, Guy E. Trepanier, bennash, Bill Draper, David Gill),
4,088
guests, and
270
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.
By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 90
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 90 |
This is quite different to what I normally do and so I would be interested in feedback. It's inspired by someone I know going through a painful break-up. https://soundcloud.com/kevin-ism/tell-me-why-you-feel-like-thatI've been lying on this bed Trying to make some sense of what you did You've never been the kind Why did you change your mind? I've been sleeping on my own Well, not really sleeping, but you know what I mean Just lying here awake It's more than I can take Chorus Tell me why you feel like that Tell me why you feel like that I' m not a stupid man but I don't understand What's going on I just can't read your mind In all the years that we have shared I never doubted that you cared for me Have you any feelings left? I'm out of my depth There have been so many times Times when I've needed you and you were there I just thought that you should know If you decide to go Chorus Chorus I just can't read your mind
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 378
Top 500 Poster
|
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 378 |
Kevin,
Captures the essence of the baffled heart....I especially like the chorus!!
iggy2
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,909
Top 50 Poster
|
Top 50 Poster
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,909 |
You have the mood required for this lyric.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 7,831
Top 30 Poster
|
Top 30 Poster
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 7,831 |
Hi Kevin:
The melody and lyric are fine. I would grind away at the recording to bring the song where it needs to be. Best of luck with it.
----Dave
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325
Top 10 Poster
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325 |
i like this Kevin,your delivery makes it all work.Mike
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 513
Top 500 Poster
|
Top 500 Poster
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 513 |
Certainly a song almost everyone can relate to especially the "I can't read your mind" line.
The music is pretty well done, and the main vocal part delivers.
I think you should simplify the line 'I just can't read your mind' to 'I can't read your mind' - it is more direct and emotive, imo.
I wouldn't put the vocal harmonies on the first couple of lines. I would wait to add them to add intensity as the song progresses. The vocal harmony timing is off, and could use some tweaking.
Overall, I liked it.
Peace, TC
Last edited by TC Perkins; 11/19/16 05:52 AM.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 90
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 90 |
Many thanks for the feedback. I've posted an updated version, with a slightly different mix.
TCPerkins: excellent suggestion regarding the backing vocals, so I've taken them off the first verse. After playing around with it, I decided to keep the "I JUST can't read your mind", as I want it to express the singer's complete bafflement, but thanks for the suggestion.
Kevin
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 5,827
Top 50 Poster
|
Top 50 Poster
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 5,827 |
Hey Kevin, That's a really solid write mate. Vocally delivery really captures the mood of the lyrics. I'd say this is a keeper, and to bring it upward, I'd concentrate on the musical arrangement. At the moment, the guitar is played through, so think about some musical phrasing to give it highs and depth. The violin needs to be brought in just at certain points, so I'd think about giving it some cuts, and use it for dramatic lift. I can see where you're coming from with the ghost vocal harmony, but it really needs to be pitch perfect to make it work. Don't cut it by any means, just nail the sucker ! It's a promising song, and a good listening tune. cheers, niteshift
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 90
Serious Contributor
|
OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 90 |
Hey Kevin, That's a really solid write mate. Vocally delivery really captures the mood of the lyrics. I'd say this is a keeper, and to bring it upward, I'd concentrate on the musical arrangement. At the moment, the guitar is played through, so think about some musical phrasing to give it highs and depth. The violin needs to be brought in just at certain points, so I'd think about giving it some cuts, and use it for dramatic lift. I can see where you're coming from with the ghost vocal harmony, but it really needs to be pitch perfect to make it work. Don't cut it by any means, just nail the sucker ! It's a promising song, and a good listening tune. cheers, niteshift Thanks for the feedback, some excellent points. I will play around a little more and post an update in a while. Kevin
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,325 Likes: 4
Top 40 Poster
|
Top 40 Poster
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 6,325 Likes: 4 |
You told the story beautifully. The flow is good and the music reaches into the lyrics. Well done IMO.
Douglas
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,313
Top 200 Poster
|
Top 200 Poster
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,313 |
Kevin, really enjoyed this one. Has a bit of a Cat Stephens vibe going on. Nice heart felt lyric and delivery. Thanks for sharing!
Tom
|
|
|
We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.
|
|
Forums117
Topics125,717
Posts1,160,950
Members21,470
|
Most Online37,523 Jan 25th, 2020
|
|
"If one man can do it, any man can do it. It is true. But the real question is, if one man did it, are you willing to do what it takes to do it as well?" –Brian Austin Whitney
|
|
|
|