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This is an old song of mine that I recently did a new recording for. It's still a guitar/vox only but I am planning on doing a CD called "7 Sad Songs" next year and am trying to pick the "best of the best" sad songs I've written for it. This one could be a candidate but I'm on the fence because of the graphic language. I'm not sure if it is suitable. At one point, it had a bridge and another verse but I deleted those b/c I felt it was too long and also that I hammered the heck out of the images. Sometimes less is more..

The idea is that Haley and the singer were both runaways. Haley passed away and the singer is grieving her and angry at the same time. My own sister passed away in a motor vehicle accident when I was 15. My mother and I happened upon the scene of the accident by chance. So I was able to tap into some experiences of my own regarding my sister's passing and the aftermath of that. This summer when I was traveling, I saw lots of runaway or young looking people camped out in New Orleans and also in Tulsa OK. I think this is a bigger problem than many people know. Seeing them made me want to work on this again. I had mostly shelved it as being too odd and graphic to really do anything with.

Do you think this is too "over the top" is my main question. The other question I have is, can you hear any harmonies or maybe other instruments that could be added to this? I want to keep the songs fairly stripped down for the CD but there might be something to add here, instrument/production wise.

Thanks for your thoughts.

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13489257
https://soundcloud.com/mamby-p/haley

Haley (by Wendy DuMond)

Haley, did you hear
As they sliced off your ear
As they peeled away your skin
Did they whisper of your sins

Haley, did you cry
As they plucked-out your eyes
As they cut into your brain
Exposing all your shame

(Chorus)
There's a tag on your toe
And now nobody knows
The lengths that you would go
To save me
I'm on the street tonight
But you're nowhere in sight
Are you still under their knives
Haley

Haley, did you feel
When they sliced you with their steel
As they weighed your tiny spleen
Did you show them everything

All those nights out on the street
Left you feeling
Just like meat
Something raw and dead and cold
As you were bought and sold

(Repeat chorus)

hey Wendy,i love this beautiful sorta morbid song.I think a cello would darken it even more.I agree,i would keep it stripped down as possible.I dig the delivery of this also.Mike

Its a terribly sad song, and well done. Yes, it is jarring, but to get the point across it needs to be. I agree with Michael about adding cellos. I think harmonies in last chorus would break things up a little.
I feel the volume needs to come up a tiny bit. Other than that, very nice Wendy.

Kimberly

It's a sad song, alright. Not something you'd want to dance to. Still, it showcases your talent.

Hi Wendy,

You do songs like this SO WELL !
Nice work, good luck with your cd - SEVENSADSONGS

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

I like the darkness of this. Very well done indeed.

Definitely not overdone Wendy. It does well as-is. If you add harmony, don't over-do it. It's starkness is part of my attraction to it.

John

Thank you for listening, Michael. I think cello would sound good on it. That is a great suggestion.

Thanks for listening, Kimberly. I like the cello suggestion too. Where to find a cello player is another issue though. I'll have to try to come-up with a harmony and see how that sounds. That might give it a nice lift.

Thank you for listening, Jim. I know it is not exactly everyone's cup of tea, for sure. I guess that's why I wanted to get some feedback. If I use it as one of the "sad songs" I don't want to be offensive. I guess that was one of the things I was trying to figure out.

Also, thank you for saying it showcases my talent. I don't think I have much. But I try. That made my day.

Thank you for listening, sir/bro Calvin. I do seem to gravitate toward sad songs. I guess that's why I am such a huge Leonard Cohen fan. Early in his career he was dubbed as "music to slash your wrists to" or something along those lines.

I'm going to challenge myself at some point and try to write a so-called "happy" song. I'm sure it will be a total train wreck..

Thank you for listening, John. I will consider your thoughts on the harmony idea though I wonder how it could sound that way. Kimberly def. gave me some food for thought by suggesting it.

Yes, odd and graphic but you say that like it's a bad thing? You don't hear nearly enough about spleens in music these days. I think some harmony in the chorus would be a good addition and I bet there's a JPF member who has a cello that's just waiting in the wings.

And, in case you need any help in choosing another sad song, He Loves Me He Loves Me Not has always been a favorite of mine. Just sayin...

Ricki

I really like this! It felt very organic and the chords are absolutely beautiful. The lyrics hit me like train, but not in a bad way. They really mixed well with your vocal style and melody. I wouldn't be afraid to include this one, I could really feel the heart and soul in it

Nice vocals and I believe a harmony part would add a ton to it. Maybe a violin solo if you can't find a cellist? In any case, you have great images in your songs, keep it up.

Well it definitely fits the sad-song requirement!

I personally think it needs more instrumentation because you are presently depending on the lyrics to hold someone's interest throughout. Attention spans being what they are, different subtle bits of instrumentation would help because they make people subconsciously wonder what's going to happen next. Maybe a cello on V2, an electric guitar playing tremolo chords on the chorus, etc. might work. Also, you might try listening to some dark band recordings for ideas....Radiohead/Creep, etc.

Your voice and the writing are very good of course!

Hi Wendy,

I've been listening to this for awhile trying to figure out what could make this song better and more effective. I've even been messing around with some of your chords and experimenting for "kicks" to see if I can discover a more effective melody. IMO, since your you are writing this song to be sad perhaps even tragic, I think a stronger melody would better contrast the graphic strong images,yet would still effectively deliver their message, yet give you a music train that would create more musical interest. I don't at all mean "abandon your established melody--just subtle tweaks and transition experimentation.

If this were just a song designed for a cinematic short scene where you wanted more abstract music for dramatic effect, then you could write with more obscure chords such as diminished and a few minor chords perhaps--but I don't think that is what you are attempting to do here. Your vocal melody does lean towards that more abstract direction--which maybe is exactly what you want, but if so the music needs to fit that like a glove.

Lyrically,I think you are focusing more on a tragic story (tragedy) in the true sense of the word and that this untimely death shouldn't have happened etc. I think modifying the melody and possibly the tempo slightly could better draw in the listener to these very cool lyrics! I do think if you could touch lyrically a bit more on "what" is the "tragedy" and what she gave up or why......A Bridge would be a perfect place to digress and offer that contrasting lyric story to make the listener realize the tragic ending maybe could have been avoided or if not why? This would tug heartstrings and add more story interest and drama.

I feel your 3rd verse could be a verse to expound on the story related to the friend or the past--rather than returning to the physical/graphic verse type of V1 & V2. Continuing in this direction is "redundant" IMO and this verse could be utilized for more story or a climactic enlightenment. Then, YES, do have the last verse return again to the physical graphic realism which will allow that last verse to "again" hit you in the gut (no pun intended), which would give you a classic story circle.

As far as harmonies, I think I like it more lonely and singular with the vox. With more instrumentation, I'd keep it yes simple, but Colin would be a great guy for advice there, and had some ideas.

My thoughts are to create more story with more tragedy, (theatrical definition of tragedy) by either by using a Bridge, or maybe verse3 or both for that purpose. If I come up with any ideas for music, I'll let you know--not that you need or want to change a thing..........and my ideas are just my opinion how you could improve the song, and why.

There is no one way for sure. I'm liking this "write" because it's unique in concept with interesting potential. I also really like how you are approaching the vocals with the "airy" softness. As far as my ideas/thoughts, try/use/lose!

steady-eddie.

Good morning,

I will have to digest these thoughts some. Could you suggest chords that would add a bit of color to the melody? I believe it is mostly F, E, G, Am on the verses. I may have played an E7 too off/On. The chorus is similar, except I added a C. They are ordered a bit differently too. Just wondering if you came up with something more interesting.

Hi Wendy!

I'll do a little experimenting in the next week or two, since I've very little work during the holidays. This is not an easy song to find the exact music vibe....and my approach to songwriting is melody foundation first. I love how you sing this. I also have a friend who is an expert violinist, and know a celloist that may be cool in concert with a violin--not sure. I do think the acoustic guitar should still have a major role, (piano would make it darker, but maybe too dark) and like what Colin said about maybe some tremlo chords in places--but the song IMO needs to remain cold and lonely with maybe a slight "hint" of happiness within a Bridge for contrast. Just how I see it, and could be nothing that you perceive as your direction......which I would understand. I'm just sharing my thoughts. I love producing ideas as much or more than writing. I will be in touch PM next time around.

steady-eddie.

Beautiful and compelling song! Liked the simple arrangement just as is but would really love to hear the last verse elevate in intensity both musically and vocally. There is a great opportunity to seize a moment. I think it would put an exclamation point on an already brilliant song. Some light keys and cello (like what has already been mentioned) at this point might do the trick. Thanks for sharing! Love to hear songs that are unique and thought provoking like this!

Tom

Hi Wendy,

Nick Cave made an album of murder ballads..how about an album of post-mortem ballads?

(I jest..)

This never feels morose, though i read the lyrics and think it should. Your vocal tone and quiet strumming temper the rather clinical lyric to create a kind of sadness--a disconnected sadness?

Anyway, your songs never feel like anything short of tiny Indie Movie Miracles that go down untrodden, brave paths, so bravo my friend.

Mike

Wendy,

I did not read anyone's responses because I don't want their words or thoughts in my head...LOL

I feel this is crazy dark, but true, raw and meaningful as well. I think there should be a harmony in the chorus. I sung one with you and I liked it because it gives it a bit of a lift, doesn't have to be doo wop, but maybe the sad angelic addition. It doesn't have to be a durge to get your point across.

That is just my opinion since you asked.

Also...too over the top? The situation or your write? It is what you need it to be.

Tammy

Wendy,

Such a dark song but such a dark event.
I think the song tells the story quite effectively.
What a nice voice you have!
I think that minimal is best. But if you want to add anything, I was thinkin maybe some very subtle SYNTH PAD, to support the cerebral quality of the production. But I'd have to hear it to be sure. I think it works great just the way it is too.

Thank you for sharing.
Great work!

Paul