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#109092 - 05/18/04 01:47 PM Focus [Christian]  
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 70
Adam Gentry Offline
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Adam Gentry  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 70
Indiana, USA
FOCUS
Unpublished, Copyright(c) 2004 Adam Gentry

*Verse 1*
Reading late one night,
the pages blur, words dissolve.
As sleep intrudes,
my vision clouds, I lose resolve.
Want to stay awake
but I'm losing the fight.
I lose focus.


*Chorus 1*
Help me, God, I need to start
to focus on You
and get away from all the things
that get in the way.
Leaving all the world behind me,
hoping, Lord, that you will find me.
Lead me on the path of truth
When I lose focus.


*Verse 2*
Praying late one night,
my mind's a blur, thoughts unclear.
The world intrudes,
(con)centration clouds, no praises here.
Want to worship, Lord,
but I'm losing the fight.
I lose focus.


*Chorus 1*


*Verse 3*
Fighting for the light,
surrounded here on every side,
but I conclude
that God is here; He is my Guide.
Lord, I trust in You.
I'm winning the fight
When I focus.


*Chorus 2*
Help me, God, to keep my heart
focused on You,
and stay away from all the things
that get in the way.
Even though the world surrounds me,
knowing, Lord, that You have found me,
I will walk your path of truth
and I will focus.


------------------
-Gentry

Gentry's Portfolio - Original Christian and Orchestral Music
http://www.vspin.com/gentrystudy/tunes

Free comedy:
http://www.vspin.com/gentrystudy


====================
**GentryTunes! by Adam Gentry**
Original Christian and classical music
http://www.myspace.com/gentrytunes
#109093 - 05/19/04 01:54 AM Re: Focus [Christian]  
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 1,574
Cal Offline
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Cal  Offline
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Allen Park, MI
Hi Adam-
Nice unique concept.
You have an original style here.
I get your message.
A couple of small changes, and your in!

Cal

If one could repeat "mantras" 24 hours a day-
(pray), one would attain a higher conciousness; and become inviolable.

#109094 - 05/19/04 11:43 AM Re: Focus [Christian]  
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 70
Adam Gentry Offline
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Adam Gentry  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 70
Indiana, USA
What changes?

------------------
-Gentry

Gentry's Portfolio - Original Christian and Orchestral Music
http://www.vspin.com/gentrystudy/tunes

Free comedy:
http://www.vspin.com/gentrystudy


====================
**GentryTunes! by Adam Gentry**
Original Christian and classical music
http://www.myspace.com/gentrytunes
#109095 - 05/19/04 08:38 PM Re: Focus [Christian]  
Joined: Feb 2004
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Emmy Offline
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Hi Adam,

Very nice, I like verse 3, I can relate to this song, the world sure does get in the way.

The best to -u-whatever -u-do.

Emmy

#109096 - 05/20/04 01:12 PM Re: Focus [Christian]  
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 2,177
Shayne Vaughan Offline
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Shayne Vaughan  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2002
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Edmonton, KY USA
Your verse three changes viewpoint from talking to God to talking about God.

It's an easy fix:
that (God is--You are) here; (He is--You are) my Guide.

------------------
http://shayneman.proboards19.com/

[This message has been edited by shayneman (edited 05-20-2004).]

#109097 - 05/20/04 02:13 PM Re: Focus [Christian]  
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 1,574
Cal Offline
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Cal  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 1,574
Allen Park, MI
Quote
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Adam Gentry:
What changes?

</font>





Hi Adam-
Not a lot to change or add but;
You might wish to add "what you are reading"
in the first verse.

Reading my “Bible” late one night-
Reading “Luke” up late one night-
Reading “scripture” late one night.
Reading “Plato” late one night
Reading Mad Magazine late one night- (just kidding!)

*Verse 1*
Reading late one night,
the pages blur, words dissolve.
As sleep intrudes,
my vision clouds, I lose resolve.
[Want] to stay awake
[but I'm losing] the fight.
I lose focus

verse 1- line 5/6
"I try" to stay awake
“As I lose the fight”

*Chorus 1*
Help me, God, I need to start
to focus on You
[and get away from all the things
that get in the way.]
Leaving all the world behind me,
hoping, Lord, that you will find me.
Lead me on the path of truth
When I lose focus

I feel your chorus could be shorter, more to the point, more “hookish.”
lines 3&4 seem to wordy-
You may wish to re-write these, or eliminate them. Could be smoother.
“Stray away from all things”
“that get in the way.”

chorus

just an example

Please help me God
To focus on you
What you shall command I will always do
Don't let me stray from the light and the truth
I’ll leave the flesh behind me
As I focus on you
Focus

A tempo change in the chorus can be a good tool
to attract attention, and create excitement in a song;
drawing the listeners in and keeping them there.

*Verse 2*
Praying late one night,
my mind's a blur, thoughts unclear.
The world intrudes,
(con)centration clouds, no praises here.
[Want] to worship, Lord,
[but] I'm losing the fight.
I lose focus

line 5
"I want to worship you Lord"
line 6 -but
“Although I’m losing the fight.”

*Verse 3*
Fighting for the light,
surrounded here on every side,
but I conclude
that God is here; He is my Guide.
Lord, I trust in You.
I'm winning the fight
When I focus

my idea-

Fighting for insight
Surrounded by your light on every side
I must conclude
(-that) You are with me you are my guide
I trust in you Lord
I’m winning the fight
As I focus

(the "s" sound links the words: insight/surrounded/side/trust/and focus).

*Chorus 2*
[Help me, God, to keep my heart]
focused on You,
[and stay away from all the things
that get in the way.]
Even though the world surrounds me,
knowing, Lord, that You have found me,
I will walk your path of truth
[and] I will focus

line-1
“Help me God stay in my heart”

Again, lines 5& 6 could be replaced/eliminated, or re-written better.

line8- -and
I will focus

These are just suggestions-
One may have a different take on a lyric, or a song.
Being you do have a unique style, some changes may or may not work.


Good luck


Cal












[This message has been edited by Cal (edited 05-21-2004).]

#109098 - 05/20/04 02:18 PM Re: Focus [Christian]  
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 1,574
Cal Offline
Top 200 Poster
Cal  Offline
Top 200 Poster

Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 1,574
Allen Park, MI
oops!!!



[This message has been edited by Cal (edited 05-20-2004).]

#109099 - 05/28/04 12:58 AM Re: Focus [Christian]  
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 70
Adam Gentry Offline
Serious Contributor
Adam Gentry  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 70
Indiana, USA
Quote
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by shayneman:
Your verse three changes viewpoint from talking to God to talking about God.

It's an easy fix:
that (God is--
You are) here; (He is--You are) my Guide.</font>



Shayneman,

I had originally had in mind a kind of switching between narration and talking to God, but I can see how making the whole song a plea to the Lord would make sense and be easier to follow. Good advice -- I'll use your changes.

------------------
-Gentry

Gentry's Portfolio - Original Christian and Orchestral Music
http://www.vspin.com/gentrystudy/tunes

Free comedy:
http://www.vspin.com/gentrystudy

[This message has been edited by Adam Gentry (edited 05-27-2004).]


====================
**GentryTunes! by Adam Gentry**
Original Christian and classical music
http://www.myspace.com/gentrytunes
#109100 - 05/28/04 01:40 AM Re: Focus [Christian]  
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 70
Adam Gentry Offline
Serious Contributor
Adam Gentry  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 70
Indiana, USA
Cal,

Thanks once again for your help; it's much appreciated.

Quote
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Reading late one night,
the pages blur, words dissolve.
</font>


Quote
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Cal:
You might wish to add "what you are reading" in the first verse.</font>


When I first wrote this, I didn't think it mattered what the person was reading. You've made me realize, though, that by explicitly stating that they're reading the Bible, the verse becomes more appropriate for the song. Your ideas threw off the rhythm of my already-made melody, but I used that model to create these lines:

Reading late one night,
the Scriptures blur, words dissolve.


Quote
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">*Chorus 1*
Help me, God, I need to start
to focus on You
[and get away from all the things
that get in the way.]


I feel your chorus could be shorter, more to the point, more “hookish.”
lines 3&4 seem to wordy-
You may wish to re-write these, or eliminate them. Could be smoother.
“Stray away from all things”
“that get in the way.”

chorus

just an example

Please help me God
To focus on you
What you shall command I will always do
Don't let me stray from the light and the truth
I’ll leave the flesh behind me
As I focus on you
Focus
</font>


The reason I wrote the middle lines as I did is because I liked the wordplay of "get... [a]way." The repeated words seem catchier to me than using alternate ones.

I agree that it always helps to make a song more hookish, but I'm not totally sure how to go about doing that. What makes your example hookier than mine?

Quote
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">A tempo change in the chorus can be a good tool to attract attention, and create excitement in a song; drawing the listeners in and keeping them there.</font>


Good advice. I'll see if I can play around with that on my arrangement.

Quote
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">*Verse 2*
[Want] to worship, Lord,
[but] I'm losing the fight.


line 5
"I want to worship you Lord"
line 6 -but
“Although I’m losing the fight.”
</font>


It appears that you said the same thing but only changed the grammar. I know that what I wrote isn't 100% grammatically correct, because many people don't speak that way. I don't feel that the song is weakened by not being totally proper in its wording.

Quote
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">*Verse 3*
Fighting for the light,
surrounded here on every side,
but I conclude
that God is here; He is my Guide.
Lord, I trust in You.
I'm winning the fight
When I focus


my idea-

Fighting for insight
Surrounded by your light on every side
I must conclude
(-that) You are with me you are my guide
I trust in you Lord
I’m winning the fight
As I focus
</font>


Thanks, but that idea wasn't my intention. The battle's raging all around me, but I know I'm safe because God is leading me.

Quote
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">*Chorus 2*
[Help me, God, to keep my heart]
focused on You,
[and stay away from all the things
that get in the way.]
Even though the world surrounds me,
knowing, Lord, that You have found me,
I will walk your path of truth
[and] I will focus


line-1
“Help me God stay in my heart”
</font>


This is an interesting suggestion. I like the idea of having the word "stay" appear twice in the chorus, similar to the "get" idea in the first one. I'll go with that line.

Quote
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">These are just suggestions-
One may have a different take on a lyric, or a song. Being you do have a unique style, some changes may or may not work.
</font>


Though I don't plan to use all your suggestions, I could see how they would work well in other songs. Good ideas.


I thank you all for your responses.


------------------
-Gentry

Gentry's Portfolio - Original Christian and Orchestral Music
http://www.vspin.com/gentrystudy/tunes

Free comedy:
http://www.vspin.com/gentrystudy

[This message has been edited by Adam Gentry (edited 05-27-2004).]


====================
**GentryTunes! by Adam Gentry**
Original Christian and classical music
http://www.myspace.com/gentrytunes
#109101 - 06/04/04 08:33 PM Re: Focus [Christian]  
Joined: May 2004
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Drifter Offline
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Hi Adam. I can't think of anything else to suggest that hasn't already been covered. The message here is quite clear. Well done!
- Dave


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